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Open Eyes
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 08:56 AM
  #41
AZ, I am sorry that you continue to feel all this pain. What stood out to me in what you just shared about your father and your younger brother is not anything done to you personally, but instead has caused you to feel a loss. Your mother did not intentionally do this to you, she was most likely exploring sexually 42 years ago, maybe drank too much and ended up getting pregnant and did not know who the father was and was too embarassed about that. Yet, she chose to go ahead and have you instead of terminate the pregnancy. There are ways now that you can learn who your father is by genetics.

Losing a sibling can be up there when it comes to trauma, but this is loss and not something you could have controlled or done to you to hurt you personally. However, with these life experiences you felt alone with how it affected you emotionally. It's as though no one cared about how YOU felt when things happened. This can cause someone to need more to feel a sense of purpose. It can cause someone to think that how they feel has no value. It's unfortunate, but that actually happens a lot in humanity. It's what can lead to someone becoming very vulnerable to being tricked and even spending money on fortune tellers. It can lead to all kinds of predatory tricks with some promise of seeing you in a SPECIAL way. Fortunes have been made on human misery.

Guess what, your wife is no exception to being vulnerable. While you feel she did this to you, that she failed you? Truth is she failed herself because she fell for someone's BS that has proven to work on individuals that are vulnerable. These perverts can get very good at drawing vulnerable people under their control. Your wife's biggest failure was that she was vulnerable. And 42 years ago your mother was naive and vulnerable and she did not tell you because she was ashamed and did not want you to know. Neither your wife or your mother can change what happened, all they can do is admit they made a mistake.

Trusting is always a challenge and a gamble. I think you are questioning your own value in this overall picture too. Our children do get to a point that they go off and live their own lives, and it's a good thing when they do that, you don't want them home and dependent do you? If they are trying to live their lives, it doesn't mean they stop caring you know. People often don't know your deep hurts, but they can feel their own hurts and inadequacies. It's part of being human, none of us are perfect.
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Open Eyes
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 09:17 AM
  #42
You may benefit by doing one of those geneology searches. You probably have relatives you don't even know about. And your father may have never even known about you either, he probably didn't.
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AZ Dad 1979
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 02:38 PM
  #43
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
AZ, I am sorry that you continue to feel all this pain. What stood out to me in what you just shared about your father and your younger brother is not anything done to you personally, but instead has caused you to feel a loss. Your mother did not intentionally do this to you, she was most likely exploring sexually 42 years ago, maybe drank too much and ended up getting pregnant and did not know who the father was and was too embarassed about that. Yet, she chose to go ahead and have you instead of terminate the pregnancy. There are ways now that you can learn who your father is by genetics.

Losing a sibling can be up there when it comes to trauma, but this is loss and not something you could have controlled or done to you to hurt you personally. However, with these life experiences you felt alone with how it affected you emotionally. It's as though no one cared about how YOU felt when things happened. This can cause someone to need more to feel a sense of purpose. It can cause someone to think that how they feel has no value. It's unfortunate, but that actually happens a lot in humanity. It's what can lead to someone becoming very vulnerable to being tricked and even spending money on fortune tellers. It can lead to all kinds of predatory tricks with some promise of seeing you in a SPECIAL way. Fortunes have been made on human misery.

Guess what, your wife is no exception to being vulnerable. While you feel she did this to you, that she failed you? Truth is she failed herself because she fell for someone's BS that has proven to work on individuals that are vulnerable. These perverts can get very good at drawing vulnerable people under their control. Your wife's biggest failure was that she was vulnerable. And 42 years ago your mother was naive and vulnerable and she did not tell you because she was ashamed and did not want you to know. Neither your wife or your mother can change what happened, all they can do is admit they made a mistake.

Trusting is always a challenge and a gamble. I think you are questioning your own value in this overall picture too. Our children do get to a point that they go off and live their own lives, and it's a good thing when they do that, you don't want them home and dependent do you? If they are trying to live their lives, it doesn't mean they stop caring you know. People often don't know your deep hurts, but they can feel their own hurts and inadequacies. It's part of being human, none of us are perfect.

There is a lot of wisdom in you words. I absolutely do feel like nobody cares about me or what I feel. My childhood is much more screwed up than I have shared and my mother was definitely not just a once and a while screw up. She exposed me to people and situations where sex, drugs, alcohol and many forms of abuse ensued. I think I put far too much faith and hope in my spouse. Like we were the only ones with each other. I thought I could trust her and. Ever have to worry about her hurting me. I was wrong.

She may have been vulnerable to the pervert, but honestly I’m mad she was foolish enough to go to such a crap chat site where when I checked it out was obviously for the purpose of role playing sex fantasies and hook ups. Not much needed to see and understand what the site was for.

It’s just a lot. I used to have a best friend and now I have nobody. It’s just me and yeah God, but He doesn’t exactly hang out like a human. Guidance and direction maybe but not laughs and good times. Thank you for your words
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 02:40 PM
  #44
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
You may benefit by doing one of those geneology searches. You probably have relatives you don't even know about. And your father may have never even known about you either, he probably didn't.

I did Ancestry and 23 and me. Neither of those found any matches. Also my mother says she doesn’t even know who it could be. I grew up being told it was this Bob guy, but when I did dna tests for him it was not a match from two separate places.
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Default Mar 06, 2021 at 02:47 AM
  #45
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Originally Posted by AZ Dad 1979 View Post
I have always had the soldier on mentality as well. I mean there will always be disagreements even full on arguments, but that doesn’t mean fall out of love and quit. I was definitely a better person because of my wife, but this is a transgression I just cannot get past. I know I’ll never fully trust her, and now I attach her to the deepest pain I have ever felt, and that’s not a small thing for me to say. I’ve gone through losing my lower half to paralyzation, mother lied to me about who my dad is (she has no idea), my little brother dying, and many other heartbreaking things.
I know exactly what you mean. Once trust is broken at such a deep level it is a thing that can’t be put back together.
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Open Eyes
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Default Mar 06, 2021 at 12:32 PM
  #46
Quote:
My childhood is much more screwed up than I have shared and my mother was definitely not just a once and a while screw up. She exposed me to people and situations where sex, drugs, alcohol and many forms of abuse ensued. I think I put far too much faith and hope in my spouse. Like we were the only ones with each other. I thought I could trust her and. Ever have to worry about her hurting me. I was wrong
From the little you just shared here, it's understandable how you actually feel traumatized by what your wife got involved with. What you are battling is how you don't want to "feel" the discomfort you experienced in what you shared here and what you experienced with your wife. Also, let's face it, being in a wheelchair just brings out another feeling of helplessness. So you definitely have some challenges to work through.

It's important to be patient with this and while you experience different emotional challenges, commit to acknowledging them, but, not act on them and that can be hard. You have pointed out some important things that are important to pay attention to so you keep on track with working through this challenge and emotional challenges that come with it. Also, it IS important to remember that your wife regrets her choice and has admitted it was wrong and is trying to restore the relationship. We cannot change our mistakes, all we can do is learn from them and do our best to work on restoration of our lives. When I say that please know I am in no way saying that is easy, I know first hand it's a challenge. The more we live life, the more we will witness how people can make stupid mistakes. And YES decisions always have consequences and all events change our perception of life and our own sense of self. This is what happens all our lives AZ.

I myself experienced a sudden traumatic situation that affected me so badly that I developed PTSD. I never imagined having to struggle with this challenge or what it would mean and how it would affect me the way it has. And everyone I have met that developed it has said the very same thing, "why can't I just like I used to". And a lot depends on the person's history and how much trauma they experienced too. Some recover better than others, it's all depends on WHAT caused the condition to develop. Like you, I too have powered through a lot of challenges in my life, literally going all the way back through my childhood. I have listened to others share and say the same things. I learned that I actually was very resiliant, however, all my history predisposed me where if something traumatic enough happened I was susceptible to developing ptsd.

I sure have to figure out a lot of things and I have also had to see how all these things contributed to who I am as a person and to also understand myself in a different way too. Yet, this is what living life is about in general, we are always continuing to change and learn and we never really get to a place where we can say "I am certain" and finally have all the answers. The best we can do is accept that we simply do not have all the answers and life will always present us with challenges.
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