No infidelity, domestic abuse or substance abuse issues / Depression in Marriage

Hi everyone,

I am reaching out to see if someone can relate. My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years (known each other for for about 17). We have two young daughters - 7 and 5. Currently, we are on the brink of divorce. The divorce is something I am leaning towards - he is completely against that idea. The reason I want a divorce stems from my general unhappiness in the marriage. There has not been one major issue but many small things that cumulatively have resulted in the current situation. Primarily, I do not feel like he prioritizes me, he is not affectionate, he is controlling, he is not supportive of my mental health issues and we have very different values - he is very socially conservative and I am much more liberal. I also have my own faults which have contributed to where we are now. He's a good guy, but we are just not compatible, and although I care about him deeply, I am not in love with him anymore - there is zero emotional connection. I suffer from chronic depression which has put a strain on our relationship. He feels like my mental health issues have resulted in my having negative perceptions of our relationship which do not really exist. I feel like my mental health issues are exacerbated by our relationship problems and that I would be much less depressed if I was not in the relationship. At the moment I am in therapy twice a week for depression, self-harm and suicidal ideation. Has anyone been in a similar scenario? My other main concern has to do with our children. I know that the divorce will have a devastating impact on them. Since there is no infidelity or abuse in our marriage, do you think it would be worth sucking it up for the sake of the kids? I would live with the unhappiness and depression if it meant not permanently scarring them. P.S. We have been to marriage counseling a couple of times and it hasn't worked. Considering giving it a third try.
Thank you in advance for reading.

HI Christy567. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are having a rough time in your marriage. That must be so difficult especially with the kids to consider.

I am not sure this would help, but a friend of mine was challenged by their relationship. They were considering leaving but the kids were a big issue. Finances too. It costs a lot to live separately.

In their case, they got a therapist and asked them to help them build the life they want despite the difficult marriage. They did not suffer abuse, so that was not totally unreasonable. I guess what they did is keep a notebook of all the things they wanted to do if they were not in that relationship.

Then they went back and started doing ones that were possible even though married.

These may be of interest
Dealing with a Failed or Failing Relationship-The 6 Abilities You Need Right Now

Denying Relationship Problems: How to Fix it
@CANDC

Now might not be the best time to start splitting up, what with the holidays and COVID peaking over the next few months. Perhaps you could think about a 3 month separation during the spring or summer, to see if you really do feel happier living apart from your husband? That's far enough away that you have time to figure out the logistics.

This is very interesting. In my situation, the roles are reversed, so my husband has ideas stemming from his mental health issues that leads him to believe that everything is bad in our marriage, when in reality, it isn't. If anything I can provide some perspective from the other side.

He doesn't want help for his mental health issues which he has had since his teenage years, and he had experienced the trauma of war several times, and to top it off, has a very stressful job that triggers him. Then he believes that I don't understand or can't relate, so therefore it's all bad. But I do understand and care, I love him and his issues don't spook me. My issues spook him though and he can't handle normal day to day things because it's too stressful for him, he says he can't handle nor mal things and that it is easier if he didn't have to deal with them, sounds familiar thus far?

The truth is that you probably would have the same issues without him. You are responsible for your own mental health. I applaud you for having the clarity of knowing how your issues affect others, so bravo for that and for being in therapy.

Just remember that he is struggling too and ultimately, he didn't cause your issues. Bonding is hard when people focus on their problems only. You have kids and a husband that loves you through your crisis, so look at two positive things already. My honest opinion is that you have enough good things in your life to be happy. Looking at what you don't have only overshadows the good things that you do have. Having a family is a blessing, destroying the good things that you do have will not solve your issues.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. This covid thing makes everyone struggles worse.

Staying together for the sake of children is never a good idea IMO. Kids know when things are not right.

I agree with Sarahsweets, staying for the children often makes things worse for them than better. I often find myself wishing my own parents would have divorced when they were younger (one is alcoholic which is the main reason, although has a few similar ‘qualities’ you describe in your husband).
Would your husband at least support you going to therapy, for yourself, if you think that might help? Or does he just not believe in mental illnesses or think they’re excuses?

I completely relate, it is so exhausting. You can pm me if you want. My husband is set on divorce, I am too tired to talk about it so got myself a lawyer and a therapist. I'm feeling depressed but I'm ok.

Staying for the children is pretty much ensuring that your kids will go for exact same bad relationships as you, if all they see is bad marriage it’s their normal. Pretty much it’s a guarantee they’ll need years of therapy to undo the damage of witnessing your bad marriage. And kids always always know what’s going on. Sure it’s not that bad you said, but controlling and not affectionate is a bad choice of a husband in my books

Divorce could be devastating for the kids or might be not. It depends how you handle it. But witnessing marriage where a man (or a woman) is controlling, unsupportive and not affectionate will sure devastate them in a long run because that is exactly who they choose for themselves. Consciously or subconsciously

Now sure living apart or being single is financially more difficult than relying on a partner. Usually it’s harder. But it’s more than doable. Ton of people are single with kids or without and they have great life and give great life to their children. Plenty of women have great lives and they don’t have a man. In addition, there is more to life than money.

Continue with therapy. Consult with a therapist. Work on your own mental health

Sure some people choose life of unhappiness. Some live their whole life like this. And find themselves in old age in misery and life in shambles and wasted. I’d never advice such a life to anyone. Having said that, it’s wise not to rush and think it through with a skilled therapist

Dear Christie I have read your post very carefully we are in a very similar situation I am sorry for your pain because I know exactly what you are going through I developed a severe depression with anxiety years into our marriage after feeling neglected not seen not heard and fell very deep.... I basically had a nervous break down and asked my husband that we needed to separate I wanted to move to a place to heal myself basically from him I am 54 you are much younger Christie I have two daughters also and I was able to talk to them I think they very well understood and I wanted to model for them that we are never stuck and we do not need to live in a relationship that does not make us happy..... it’s only been two weeks for me living in the condo and I’m still very very conflicted because it is the beginning of things for me.... but I do believe I made the right choice it’s just that he does not seem to understand he thinks I left because I wasn’t feeling well but I wasn’t feeling well because of him. I’m not feeling well is an understatement I went into a deep depression and crisis and had to get myself out of that I do not want you to go through that Christie... what you are showing your daughters now is that you are strong you’re making a wise decision and you get out of an unhealthy relationship for yourself. And you will model that for them hopefully one day they will make the right decision also for themselves... I don’t know how much this will help you and how clear I am because my mind is still very fuzzy but after 20 years of marriage and suffering the last 8 to 10 of them being completely neglected and miserable in our relationship I had to do this for me and my daughters all the best of luck to you — chat anytime ❤️❤️

Hello Christie, I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. I profoundly relate to your situation but from a different perspective. That of your husband.

My wife left me a bit over a year ago, after 11 years of marriage. We have 3 children ages 10, 9 and 6. We've known each other since she was born. She is my parents' best friends daughter. My father and here parents were best friends since they were teenagers.

I did not want a divorce even though I felt as much as her that our marriage was not going good. I was unhappy just as much as she was. But I loved her. Unfortunately for me I still do.

No matter how peacefull and responsible your divorce is I can tell you that your divorce will be devastating and will produce lasting damage to your children. I suggest you read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" (I tried posting an amazon link but the system won't allow me as I'm new to the forum. Look for it in Amazon if you are interested).

What I got from that book is that divorce will be the worst thing for your children unless you are living through an abusive relationship or you and your husband are neglecting your children . My wife got a very different message from It so perhaps my view on things is biased. Nevertheless I think it would be a good thing to read it.

In my case I was the one dealing with depression. I too felt that she did not prioritize me. She stoped being affectionate a couple of years before we separated. We got to a place where things were a competition of wills and I usually relented out of exhaustion. I did not feel supported or validated by her at a moment where I really needed it. We too have different values and outlooks on life.

Eventually a time came where I did think about leaving her. That was at a moment where she was not thinking about that. But after reflecting long and hard about it I decided to stay, Why? because she was the woman I chose. I loved her, I still do. And I decided to stick it out and try to soldier on even if I felt alienated and misunderstood by her.

She is a good person, with many faults. She is selfish, stubborn and can drive me crazy in so many different ways. And still she was the love of my life.

I do not believe in divorce, not because I am religious, I am not, but I think marriage really finds its true meaning when you are able to summon, the strength, the maturity and integrity to stay and learn to love a person at its absolute worst. That is It is a very difficult thing. But it is actually not that difficult if we can start to see past ourselves. I know I put a very high bar to my wife in this respect.

I truly do not think there is a thing such as "we are not compatible". You can get back to a place where you feel the opposite if you allow yourself to see past your own frustrations and learn to love him as he is, even at his worst. It is possible and you'll be better for it.

I absolutely do not think you should stay in your marriage just for the sake of your children, but rather for your own sake as well as your husband's. Breaking up a family is a horrible thing. And even if it gives you some relief to your current state of mind, I'm quite sure you getting divorce will eventually take you to a place where you will understand that your marriage is not the cause of depression. By that time what you have lost will wight heavily on you. It has happened to me.

Having said all that the really important question is: do you love him? it may seem like you don't at this time (I was there) but think long and hard before you answer this. You may find that you do and your own sense of frustration is obscuring that fact.

If you really don't (assuming he actually loves you) you will damage him and your children by staying, just as much as you will by leaving.

I offer you my view with absolute sincerity with a hope my perspective can give you some peace of mind. I really hope you can find a place of happiness and fulfillment.

Sincerely Pablo

Pablo,

I just wanted to thank you very much for your perspective. I've been separated for 3 months after being married for 23 years (married young). I know that your take on this comes from hours of thought, research, soul searching and pain. I agree with your conclusion 100%. I really appreciate your words. GOD bless you.

It's hard to struggle through that feeling of unhappiness, but it does seem like there is enough good there to work it out. It may be fixable and when you come out on the other side, you may find out things are better than they were before.