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Seetha
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Default Dec 09, 2020 at 09:56 PM
  #1
I am 34, no kids ,recently separated after a long period of conflict about whether or not to end the marriage.

Ours was an arranged marriage. We both had several things in common .We both have/had tremendous respect for each other and never really got into any major fights .We helped each other out in any given situation.

He was completely into me. But I failed to feel any connection with him or attraction towards him. there absolutely was no physical intimacy between us. I tried for years, took therapy, advice from friends etc. Nothing worked.I just felt so guilty and suffocated all the time!

I was scared to leave because I didn't want to be lonely. I couldn't convince myself to give up on what little I had with him.

My parents, therapists and friends everyone leaned towards me separating for my own good. But at the end of the day, it was my decision to make. One day, years later I decided to bite the bullet than stay confused at the fork unable to choose .I decided to separate

Its been more than 3 months now. And I feel like my life has considerably worsened.

I dread coming back to my lonely apartment from work. I have no family around and I am in a new place /new job so really, dont have any friends.I dont know what to do with all the free time. My parents call and check on me but that is about it.

Does this feeling of despair get better or worse with time ?

I feel like I have no energy or interest left to do anything. Like I used up my fuel in the conflict and decision making, that I have none left anymore.

How do I make new friends? Everyone/anyone who is of my age is busy in their lives with their kids and spouses.

Any insight is welcome.
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Default Dec 09, 2020 at 10:21 PM
  #2
Hi Seetha. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry for the loss of your marriage and the loneliness you feel. It is grief that we suffer in losing a relationship and a loss of who we are. It is difficult to reinvent ourselves as we did as kids when we fell down and got up again quickly.
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These may be of interest

All By Yourself? 10 Ways To Overcome Loneliness

Loneliness within a Marriage

https://psychcentralanswers.com/Depr...-and-divorce-/

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Last edited by CANDC; Dec 09, 2020 at 10:36 PM..
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Here we go again
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Default Dec 30, 2020 at 01:23 PM
  #3
Time heals all wounds.
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 11:41 PM
  #4
So so sorry to read this.. it looks like this post is a few months old I am wondering how you are doing? I am in the process of separating also from my husband it’s been a hard long few years in the making and I finally bit the bullet and moved out just about 10 days ago it really is hard I would love to hear how you are doing now I’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety and I’m going through menopause with two teenage daughters it’s been a really difficult and bumpy road let me know how you are doing I would love to chat — where do you live ? I live in Pennsylvania
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Default Apr 18, 2021 at 01:37 PM
  #5
Hi Seetha,

My situation sounds almost identical to yours. I married a woman 4 years ago I was barely physically attracted to but we clicked on every level. Over time I fell in love with her but sex and touching just wasn't something I waa into with her. Regardless, I learned that this needed to be a part of our relationship. So, we started to grow in that area of our life. Over time we started to grow apart. She is attached to her family to a point to where it is toxic and nothing I say matters if it doesn't involve them. We agreed to seperate a week ago but it hads been pretty scary for me. I live alone because I gave up most of my family relationships to come and live with her. I have one good friend that lives hours away. So now I'm lonely trying to understand what happened. I hope it gets better for you but I am right there with you.
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Seetha
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 09:08 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinderella67 View Post
So so sorry to read this.. it looks like this post is a few months old I am wondering how you are doing? I am in the process of separating also from my husband it’s been a hard long few years in the making and I finally bit the bullet and moved out just about 10 days ago it really is hard I would love to hear how you are doing now I’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety and I’m going through menopause with two teenage daughters it’s been a really difficult and bumpy road let me know how you are doing I would love to chat — where do you live ? I live in Pennsylvania
Big hugs to you

Sorry,I missed your reply. I didn't log back in until today.

Thank you for your kind words!

I think I m doing okay,.surviving, figuring out things and introspecting.

Lets chat for sure ( need to figure out how)! Ilive in Pittsburgh, PA !
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 09:10 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Ocn88 View Post
Hi Seetha,

My situation sounds almost identical to yours. I married a woman 4 years ago I was barely physically attracted to but we clicked on every level. Over time I fell in love with her but sex and touching just wasn't something I waa into with her. Regardless, I learned that this needed to be a part of our relationship. So, we started to grow in that area of our life. Over time we started to grow apart. She is attached to her family to a point to where it is toxic and nothing I say matters if it doesn't involve them. We agreed to seperate a week ago but it hads been pretty scary for me. I live alone because I gave up most of my family relationships to come and live with her. I have one good friend that lives hours away. So now I'm lonely trying to understand what happened. I hope it gets better for you but I am right there with you.
Hi Ocn 88,

I am just reading your reply.

Hope things are getting better at your end .

Thank you for those kind words.

I m right here too, if you need me!
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Default Jun 16, 2021 at 10:12 AM
  #8
I can echo your feelings word to word, though you seem to have through your separation and the heartburn further along than I. It’s been barely over a month for me and I am going through the same emotions and thoughts. The pain, hurt, loneliness - it’s scary. Never thought I would actually would feel this way. It’s been a painful 6 weeks and feel lonely when I get back to my empty place. Talking to friends and acquaintances seems to help a bit during the day, but by night fall it all comes back. Based on your recent posts, seems like you are beginning to cope up. That gives me hope and motivation to look forward to things. I am trying keep muscle busy with various activities, but somewhere along the sense of loss keeps haunting me. Unfortunately we don’t have the kind of family support system here than back home. Well I am glad you are getting back on your feet, hope to get there soon myself.
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Seetha
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Default Jun 23, 2021 at 05:18 PM
  #9
Hang in there. It does get better. Take this time to introspect and face your fears and shortcomings.. You will eventually feel like yourself again.

For me not having friends and family around was sort of a blessing in disguise as I would have used them to cover up my pain.

It may not seem like it now, but you will find peace.
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Thumbs up Jun 25, 2021 at 11:19 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seetha View Post
Hang in there. It does get better. Take this time to introspect and face your fears and shortcomings.. You will eventually feel like yourself again.

For me not having friends and family around was sort of a blessing in disguise as I would have used them to cover up my pain.

It may not seem like it now, but you will find peace.
Thanks for the encouraging words. for me most of my closest friends are all in India or somewhere else. But talking to them and sharing my thoughts and the pain really eases things out. I can see the difference week on week. From the point i posted my first note to now, I feel a lot better. My biggest challenge was letting things go, and I seem to be getting better along that path. Though some of the memories and things do come back to me, the frequency of that has been diminishing... so ya i have started to see a glimmer by the end of the tunnel (at least what it seems like the end)
Talking and sharing the pain, grief definitely helps (though this whole sharing thing is so new to me) and its nice to see people around here standing up and supporting each other! so dont be stranger and feel free to share your pain and thoughts, it helps heal things...
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SuddenlySingle
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Default Jul 19, 2021 at 01:59 PM
  #11
It does get better. It takes time, but it does get better. Three months is still very fresh. I've been divorced for seven months now and even though I have mostly good days, I still have bad days too. Today was one such day in which I felt extremely sad. I even have lonely days too. Have you been in counselling? After my divorce I was in counselling once a week for six months and this really helped me to cope, as the counsellor gave me practical tips and sound advice. One of the things that helps me is to journal. For you it might be to draw or paint, or go for walks. Find what gives you that outlet and use it. Do things for you and you can always chat over here too. I really wish you all the very best.
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Seetha
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Default Jul 22, 2021 at 07:35 PM
  #12
So happy to read this. I wish you all the very best moving forward!

I felt the same, when I re-read my initial post. I cannot believe how low and lost I was feeling when I wrote it. and a few months later, things don't seem as bad.

There are still some days where I feel lonely after work. But most other times, I m peaceful and happy.
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Default Jul 22, 2021 at 07:38 PM
  #13
Hi .Thank you for your input.yes. I am talking to a therapist. I need to figure a few complexities out and hoping it would help.

I m trying to journal, but havent been very religious with it . Will try to be more regular now!

Always been some one who took long strolls. that hasn't changed!

Wish you the very best too. feel free to ping if needed. happy to chat!
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Default Jul 26, 2021 at 04:14 PM
  #14
Hey all

I'm new to the forum and as I've noticed others say on a quite a few posts, I never intended to end up here.

My separation is pretty recent (3 weeks) and finding I'm having some really bad days. Not sleeping well and dealing with the anxiety is extremely unpleasant, and I'm hoping it gets easier to deal with soon.
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Seetha
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Default Aug 01, 2021 at 09:00 PM
  #15
It will get better with time. You ll learn to cope up.Hang in there!
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