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Younganddivorced
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Default Dec 12, 2020 at 08:45 AM
  #1
Hi Everyone,

I was with my husband for 14 years, married for 2. We had been together since we were 14 years old. Last year our relationship began to shift after we bought our second house. We hosted both our families for Thanksgiving. I was so lost and confused when the shift happened. He was staying out late, barely looking at me/talking to me.

Last December was rough, I was alone 90% of the time. He was out t drinking with friends until late (3/4am on week days), wouldn't tell me where he was or when he'd be home. And when he was present he wasn't really present (always on his phone). He kept blaming the shift on work, when he got his new job things would be better. Well he got the new job and things didn't change. I tried to talk to him and he wasn't interested. He has never been good at sharing his feelings so this wasn't surprising to me. The week of Christmas last year I had enough of being pushed to the side. He finally shared that he was unhappy and needed time to think. He was waiting to discuss until after the holidays which is why he didn't say anything. He said after 2 weeks we could talk. I agreed, to the two weeks. His behavior continued and I felt disrespected so I informed him I supported his need to have time (the two weeks) but that I needed to leave because I wasn't being treated properly. That I was leaving with the dog and going where I was wanted, loved and supported. This was the hardest thing I had ever done at the time. Leave my home and my best friend.

After the two weeks, we spoke. I thought it was going to be a conversation but I quickly found out he had already made his decision. He told me, he had been unhappy for years. I asked him why and he couldn't provide me with an answer. The one thing he told me was that I held him back from drinking and partying. I had supported him in his career, buying two homes (1st house was all my money) getting married, dealing with the toxic patterns in his family etc. When I asked him, he couldn't think of one way I supported him in our relationship. He didn't want to work through whatever the issues we had (I still don't know other than the above).

I am doing well a year later and it was the best thing to happen to me. I have found myself, done things this year I never thought I'd do. Even in the pandemic, I've been able to grow. All this to say the one thing I lack is people in my life who understand what I've been through. None of my peers are married, let alone divorced. I am hoping to find connection with people who know what divorce is like and if possible young people who have been divorced.
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Yaowen
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Default Dec 12, 2020 at 12:01 PM
  #2
Dear Younganddivorced,

Welcome to the Forums. It is very nice to meet you.

You have been through so much but how you have coped with it is so inspiring. I think that people like you are the real heroes of life.
Hopefully these Forums will be a warm and friendly place for you where you can find the understanding and compassion, encouragement and consolation that were so often denied to you in your life. I look forward to reading your posts here and want to wish you only the very best!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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RoxanneToto
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Default Dec 12, 2020 at 12:29 PM
  #3
I’ve never been engaged, never mind married, however, I’ve read enough stories about divorce on the internet to think that there are many people who don’t truly appreciate their partner, and then, blame them for their (sudden?) unhappiness because they cannot/don’t want to be honest with them for some reason. It’s just strange how so many of them, like your ex husband, say they haven’t been happy for years. It’s usually news to their spouse, too.
I obviously can’t truly relate to your experience, I’ll admit, but it’s heartening to read how you’ve progressed in the past year.
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Default Dec 12, 2020 at 02:02 PM
  #4
Welcome! So Sorry to hear about what You've been through! i am REALLY HAPPY to hear that things are improving Right Now And Hopefully i am Praying that they will continue to go well with You And that You Will be Able to find SomeOne who can relate! SEnding Many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @Younganddivorced, Your Family, Your FriEnds, Your ex-Husband And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Younganddivorced
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Heart Dec 12, 2020 at 08:06 PM
  #5
Thank you all for your kind words! Much love
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Default Dec 12, 2020 at 10:57 PM
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It sounds like you out grew each other. You were so very young when you began your relationship together. It sounds like you have survived and are actually happier.
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BrightDaysAhead
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Default Dec 15, 2020 at 04:42 PM
  #7
I was with my husband for 17 years, married for 9, and lived together since we were 17 years old. I'm 34 now. We should have separated a few years ago but sort of simply held on because of how long we'd been together.
While my husband didn't ignore me, he did eventually ignore what I needed in a relationship so he could live precisely how he wanted to, even if it was a strain on me. But the culprit is that we got together so young and figured out what we needed while we were in the relationship, so looking back, it was a gamble that we'd grow together and not apart.

Something you mentioned that resonated with me is that you provided significant financial boosts to your life together in the form of buying your first home. You also supported him in his career and managed what sounds like some toxic stuff from his family.

I share your experiences with this. I purchased our first, second, and third home; his toxic family became more and more of a burden (his alcoholic mother lived with us while she was on house arrest because of her multiple DUIs). He struggled with jobs until finally, five years ago, he gave up on his career altogether to pursue his art full-time.

Maybe this will help, and maybe it's not applicable to you, but something I've discovered in my separation is this: some men derive a lot of self-worth from being the "provider" or the "rock" even if they don't realize it or even want to be the provider/rock. I bought our homes because I wanted us to have a nice home, not to make him feel like less of a man, but it did make him feel like less of a man even if he didn't know it then. I didn't help him with his family drama just to have him feel embarrassed by them, but he did. I didn't take on all of the financial responsibility, so he felt like a deadbeat, but he did.

In the end, I did all of these things because I cared about his happiness, but all it did was make him feel worthless, so he looked for self-worth from other people outside of the relationship.

Your ex may have been happy with the dynamic the two of you had, but after a few years, his own view of himself may have become damaged. So he escaped into drinking with friends at all hours, most likely because it was fun and an ego boost.

He couldn't tell you why he was unhappy because I bet it was all of the things you did to support him. He twisted all of your support around and turned into a judgment of himself. He should have been the one to pay for the house, his family shouldn't be so messed up, and he shouldn't struggle with work. Healthy people accept and appreciate love and support from their partners; they don't let it become a wedge in the relationship.

Again, I can't stress enough that I'm not saying this is what happened at all. This is what happened to me. Now I know, moving forward, I will only get into a relationship with someone who has a strong sense of who they are, what they want, and are already working positively toward those things. I also know that my ex and I didn't work because we just didn't want things with the same intensity, so me just being me ended up making him feel insecure and unaccomplished.

It's a shame you haven't gotten much of a reason from him for what happened. Which my ex couldn't do at first either. That's why I thought I'd share.
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Seetha
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Default Dec 17, 2020 at 10:39 PM
  #8
You make some really great points here! Thank you for this post!
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Default Feb 25, 2021 at 02:01 AM
  #9
Hi, younganddivorced. I am currently 26 and going through a divorce with my husband. We have been together for 10 years (married for 4). Your story is very similar to mine, except I am currently in the process of divorce and shocked that it is happening. Although we had issues, I was confident we could work through anything and was surprised when our short separation ended with him telling me he wants a divorce. I was sure that he would want to work through our problems, but he also said he's been unhappy for years and seemed to focus on only all the bad times we experienced, completely disregarding the many beautiful memories and traditions we've built. He was once doing very well for himself, and our relationship did thrive at that point, the last two years he had businesses fail and was forced to go back to school, I have been supporting us since then. And I do feel that much of what he feels is really intern due to his failures. It was helpful to see a post from someone my age, who went through something similar. As at this point, I feel so lost and hurt, and cannot imagine my life. To hear you're happy a year later brings me so much hope that my situation will too one day improve.
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