He left me and I don’t know what to do

My husband of 20 years just left me at thanksgiving. We have 5 children together 2 are grown and moved out. I’m so heartbroken that he could leave his family at the holidays like this. Just packed up and left while I was at work and kids were with my mom. He just said he isn’t happy and he will always love me. The reasons he gave are so strange like he doesn’t want me to butt in when he is disabling the kids. He also doesn’t like the kids rooms being messy. Everything the kids do gets blamed on me. He lied to me saying he gave money to a man at his works wife while he was in jail but I found out from his mom that he was hiding money and bought a trailer that he filled with stuff he wants to hide and not split in a divorce. I’m so confused he still puts money in the joint account and even got it on with me on Christmas but lives somewhere else. I do everything for the kids and house. I am the only one that’s cooks cleans does all the normal stuff for kids for school and appointments. He just works but so do I. I’m the only one that does the yard work too. He actually said he does everything and the only thing he does is go to work. I literally do everything else. He has never even go to school conferences or doctor appointments for the kids.

Dear Letty1979,

What a sad and distressing situation. I am so very, very sorry. Things must be difficult for your children too. I wish I knew what to say that would be helpful. Hopefully others here with more knowledge, experience and insight will see your post and respond with something that will be really helpful to you. It is just heartbreaking what you are going through!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Sorry you are going through this, I have 23 years of marriage down the drain myself. It’s hard but what can you do other than pray often, comfort the kids, and get a good lawyer. Do you work as well or stay at home mom exclusively? If a stay at home mom a lawyer will probably work with you understanding it’s your husband who has to pay the legal fees including yours. You are in my prayers.

Perhaps he has depression and this is his way of trying to gain a sense of control and a sense of his own space. A lot of people have become depressed due to Covid and the election this year. Sometimes a small complaint can be a clue like how he complained about how he did not like your children's messy rooms. He sees their rooms as something he doesn't like looking at but can't seem to get control over.

Some people need their own sense of space and they get that by having a hobby and connections of their own away from the home. So basically, they need a healthy outlet that is theirs. If they don't have that outlet available they can become depressed and moody.

A home full of children can become overwhelming for some in that as they get older they make more noise and take up more space in the environment. It can feel like there is always someone invading your space and not everyone can handle that kind of environment. With the additional pandemic challenge a lot of people feel very trapped and caged. This has put a big strain on so many relationships.

Your husband's choice to get this trailer and set it up for himself someplace is his way of finding a way to actully have his own space and sense of privacy. It's like his man cave. It is not so much that he is leaving you personally, but instead creating his own space.

He got intimate with you on Christmas which tells me he still loves you but he needs a sense of his own space so he got a man cave on wheels.

We tend to think that if a relationship doesn't follow a certain pattern then things are bad. People will start thinking "he is cheating" in some way if things don't go a certain way when in reality often it's an attempt to have something that is separate that gives a sense of distance that is for "self" and personal freedoms.

Maybe you could work this out where the two of you have a bit of an affair in his man cave on wheels. Yet, he controls his own space and it remains his space/man cave. He has said he still wants to be married and he got intimate with you. So I think this is really about him gaining a sense of his own space. Think about it, it's probably quiet, set up the way he wants and he watches what he wants on TV and when he wants to sleep he can have quiet and sleep and no one is IN his space and he has privacy.

I see this a lot where a person is experiencing relationship challenges and they provide a list of all the things they do as though all these things should be rewarded in some way. Truth is, often that isn't what is important to the other person, they don't want to HAVE to owe and be the teacher or parent or boss that hands out the awards. Instead they want a sense of self and some privacy and a way of not having to serve a purpose for someone else. They instead want FREE TIME or a RECESS away from demands.

I just wish I could turn the clock back and fix everything. I’m trying to stay strong for the kids but it’s hard. I’m so lonely without him but I can’t make him come back if he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t realize how much his kids are starting to hate him for leaving.

Even if you turned back the clock you could not fix something in another person.

Immediately get a lawyer- like asap. If you need help looking let me know your area of texas and I can help/

Quote:

Originally Posted by Letty1979 My husband of 20 years just left me at thanksgiving. We have 5 children together 2 are grown and moved out. I’m so heartbroken that he could leave his family at the holidays like this. Just packed up and left while I was at work and kids were with my mom. He just said he isn’t happy and he will always love me. The reasons he gave are so strange like he doesn’t want me to butt in when he is disabling the kids. He also doesn’t like the kids rooms being messy. Everything the kids do gets blamed on me. He lied to me saying he gave money to a man at his works wife while he was in jail but I found out from his mom that he was hiding money and bought a trailer that he filled with stuff he wants to hide and not split in a divorce. I’m so confused he still puts money in the joint account and even got it on with me on Christmas but lives somewhere else. I do everything for the kids and house. I am the only one that’s cooks cleans does all the normal stuff for kids for school and appointments. He just works but so do I. I’m the only one that does the yard work too. He actually said he does everything and the only thing he does is go to work. I literally do everything else. He has never even go to school conferences or doctor appointments for the kids.

So he hid money from you to buy a trailer where he hides stuff from you

He lies

He packed up and left while you weren’t even home

He left you

He thinks he can lie, hide and live elsewhere but come have sex with a woman, well he isn’t entitled to sex and he is not being respectful. This isn’t love

He doesn’t help around the house. He literally does nothing

He is bothered by children, why have them?

I do understand it hurts but you need to protect yourself. If he is hiding things as not to split them in divorce, you and your children might end up really hurt. You will be in a huge dis advantage

It doesn’t work that way that if you act like a submissive wife allowing mistreatment, then he will change his mind and become a good husband and come back. You can’t change people. Doesn’t work that way

I recommend you consult with someone re what to do to be protected financially and otherwise. If it’s mutual money and he just buys whatever, it’s dangerous. You might have nothing left one day

I am so sorry you are in this terrible predicament.

Sorry for typos. Autocorrect is so annoying

Your husband has done something very wrong. He hid money from you, he lied to you and he bought a trailer so he can hide things from you through a divorce. He wants a divorce and is trying to be sneaky about it. That shows his true colors and character to you. You are the one working and taking care of the household while this man does nothing and has weak excuses. More about his true character. I understand you're heartbroken, and naturally so, but he is being very selfish and I wouldn't want anything more to do with someone who can lie like that and do something so sneaky behind your back. I would be the one filing for divorce at this point - you deserve far better.