I'm so confused. Outside perspective needed.

Hello wonderful people,

I am in a situation between love/fighting for my marriage, or giving up and accept. It's taking everything out of me to accept and make proper arrangements as my husband is consulting a divorce attorney on January 6 and he says he is not changing his mind. My appointment is January 18. Being new years Eve and with a festive note, I am now a wreck of being in love and wanting to fight for my marriage.

I don't have a bad marriage, and I feel happy. My husband is the unhappy one, mostly due to his depression which he has had since his teenage years (before me). He has never sought help for his issues. After some self reflection I have realized that I trigger some of his mood swings by just being me, I can be pushy, I like to plan things ahead, I talk fast and interrupt, I don't listen sometimes. I can be passionate on certain subjects, I can be needy and come from a broken home so I feel that I want to create the perfect marriage, which puts pressure on him. Not blaming myself, there is a big catalyst on his part for my uptick of pushiness, but now after a few random and seemingly unimportant arguments, he said he wants a divorce. He has said it before as well.

What I learned, well he obviously gas mental health issues and I am stressing him out on stupid malarkey. I never knew that, but after self reflection I realized my share on the fault. I apologized today for that, it was liberating. I just wanted that out of my chest, and I feel better. He felt better also. So I get it now, why he wants to break our beautiful family, because his mental issues doesn't give him a lot of coping mechanisms to deal with elaborate plans, parties with strangers, expectations for certain dates, children traantrums etc.etc.etc. I thought doing all of this would make us bond more, but it did the opposite. He thinks that he can't make me happy because of it, and that he will not be happy doing things he doesn't want to do.

Ok, I am justifing his behavior, and perhaps clinging to false hope. I don't know what to do. I've been so anxious and tense, and ive been desperate seeking his touch when he doesn't want to. I feel pathetic, clingy and stupid, but I cant help it.

He gives me mixed signals. We are still in the same house, we decided to start a diet and exercise regimen to improve his mental space, we are only deciding by the hour which has taken pressure off. Basically, I have learned (learning rather) not to get on his nerves on my own, be a better listener.

So, now what, in love and now getting what the problem is, a party of two planned for tonight, divorce appointments set... I feel confused. He is my best friend and my partner if 15 years, the father of my children, he is a wonderful man and I am not bad myself, we have a beautiful loving marriage with no abuse, no shouting, no gambling, no addictions, we have everything we need to be happy, so why a divorce???

I want to clarify that the issues started about 4 years ago when he went to a very demanding job that is very stressful that trigger the relapse of PTSD and depression. He said nothing to me about it, and I didn't know, so I went about my business as normal, so really not my fault or his, it is just what happened.

I started to notice manic behaviors, sabotage, and thoughts of self harm that he kept hidden. He made some bad decisions during this time, but he got back on the saddle, we worked on it together and started a very happy period if not the happiest of our marriage after that, UNTIL his best friend committed suicide 6 weeks ago, which triggered his worst depressive episode which concluded in his seeking a divorce. So nothing that I have done per se, he said he is unhappy and depressed and things should be so hard to do, but isn't that what depression is? Feeling detached, not enjoying what you enjoyed before? Then hot and cold again. I was ready for him to go, now I am melting with love and understanding.

So, what I am supposed to do? Accept? Fight? Why is he in the house? What are we doing? Him being at home is painful to me because I love him. but it seems like we are both staying here because we enjoy each other's company , I don't know what any of this means. Should I just believe what he says and stop my denial once and for all. I feel so stupid.

Is this false hope? Should I stop trying? I was prepared for being served, but now I am not so sure. Is he being nice just to avoid litigation? Does he feel sorry or obligated to humour me until he finds a place to live? Sometimes he doesn't remember what he says during manic episodes. I want for him to feel supported and understood which honest is (was) my only objective, but now understanding what this is really about it makes me feel that we can really fix this. In the mean time, he pays me on the head as we walked away to work.

I don't want to build false expectations. We separated before for 4 months with no hope of reconciliation and we reconciled, this time I feel that we actually have a chance since I get his side.

Thoughts?

I feel like you have to trust him at his word - that he wants a divorce. He has an appt with a lawyer. He is taking steps. I do feel like you are holding onto false hopes. So sorry - I don't mean to be hurtful towards you, I am just being honest. One person alone cannot fight for the relationship - both people have to want it to work, and he doesn't. Sounds like his depression could be in the way. He really should seek treatment for that, but it's not your responsibility. He has to be able to take care of his own problems and issues. I'm so sorry - I am going through a divorce myself right now. It's painful. I feel for you. I really do. I hope others will have some helpful words for you. Best wishes to you.

So Sorry to hear about this situation! It seems like you've been struggling with communication issues whom definitely didn't help either of you with coping with your own struggles. From what you wrote, it does seem like you're UnderstAnding your past mistakes and that you're working REALLY hard to fix them so perhaps it may be worth trying a second chance, perhaps with some Marriage counselling? i'd suggest to talk to him about ALL of this and see how it goes from there as Well as making him UnderstAnd that he also needs to work on himself if he truly wants to make this Marriage work. Please do remember that it takes two to make this work so he may decide to simply go ahead with his divorce and in that case unfortunately there isn't much that you can do so Please don't feel guilty about it! SEnding many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Here we go again, your Family, your FriEnds, your Husband and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!