Till Death Do Us Part

I want to start by saying by no means have I lived up to all the vows said on my wedding day over 22 years ago. However, I always believed it would be death do us part. My wife has decided otherwise. Neither of us have been happy the past few years. It took her wanting to end it, for me to realize what I was losing. I was/am willing to put in the work to save the marriage but as we all know, one putting in the work doesn't work. The divorce is imminent and I can't bring myself to accept it. The depression is so unbearable at times. I have gotten so low that I have gone over in my head what I would write

It wont get to that point as I could not do that to my kids. I know that time is ultimately the only thing that will ease the pain.
It does bring a little relief being able to read others situations and knowing I'm not alone.

Neither of you were happy, important to remember that. People can grow differently depending on what their life path is. We all learn as we live our lives so no one really stays the same as they were when they were younger. I noticed this happens a lot when the children are in their teen years. Just out of curiosity, how old are your children?

My husband didn't care if he lost me until he actually lost me. And now that I forced a separation and am divorcing him, he is trying to fix or PROMISE to fix the problems that should have been fixed on his end months and months ago. I grew very unhappy with him over time and it all came to a head and to a close when he cheated on me.

Time does heal. It will take time. Perhaps you can learn something valuable about yourself through the divorce process. Are there things you could have done better as a husband? Where did the problems exist and how did you contribute to those problems? I am not asking you to answer, I am just posing these questions to help you to think on it.

Endings suck. There's no way around it. And right now is a most difficult time to be facing a divorce on top of covid.

Open Eyes / Have Hope - No, we have not been happy for a long time. But I honestly believe we could be happy again with a lot of hard work from us both. If there was infidelity on either side, there would be no hope. If there was violence from either side, there would be no hope. We have both understood that from the beginning. There is no infidelity or violence involved. The issues in my marriage are "fixable", and it is difficult for me to accept this as so much is at stake but ultimately being thrown away because one person is just done trying. Our kids are in their teens.

That's exactly where I am in my marriage. I don't wish to try and I don't want couples counseling. I am just done. But then again, he has abused me severely in this marriage, so that's why I am done with him.

A few years of unhappiness is a long time in a marriage. While you may see this as fixable, she may not at all. Both people have to want to salvage the marriage in order for counseling to work. Why wasn't it addressed earlier? The problems that were causing both of you to be unhappy? I am not blaming you or pointing fingers, but rather I am curious why it wasn't addressed sooner?

As sad and as painful as it can be, accepting an ending may be the way you have to go since a divorce is imminent. You could give it a last ditch effort and try to talk her into counseling to resolve the issues, but be prepared for the possibility that she may not want to.

We have done counseling in the past with little success. But that doesn't mean there isn't a counselor out there that could help us reconcile. I already did try with a last ditch effort but it is too little too late. She has already divorced me in her mind and basically moved on. I am aware I need to accept it eventually but just haven't got to that point.

No one is perfect and we can all look back and see things we failed to do in a relationship and in parenting. I respect the fact that you are willing to be self aware and admit your part in the relationship failure. One of the reasons so many relationships fall apart when children are in their teens is because this is when the challenge of being a parent gets more taxing as this is when the children are exploring themselves and their independence and they often make choices that the parent is taken back by and they can be defiant and seem at times to be lacking in the ability to be considerate. This is typically when a child is developmentally more narcissisitic and self absorbed. Yet this is also a stage where the parent is needed and this requires a lot more skill and thought on the part of the parents.

When we raise children we tend to be guided by our own life experiences and a lot of this is actually on a subconscious level. And as the child gets to their more independent high school years it can actually contribute to the parent reminising about when they had that freedom and they can begin to long for that period of their lives especially since the parent is older. They go through this period of realizing how much older they are and what that means. It can become a time of discontent and regrets and stepping back and saying to self, "I am not very happy with where I am in my life".

I believe you, I believe you were unhappy and your wife was unhappy and yet there can be ways the two of you can work on getting past this difficult stage of life and make some changes together. But @WW Victim, it has to be something both have to be willing to work on. And if the partner doesn't want to do that part then there is little you can do.

This pandemic has made this extra challenging due to how all this quarantining has led to couples having to be in each other's space more than ever. Add to that the stress that is present and it's become a genuine recipe for a lot of unhappiness and desire to escape this trapped feeling. Unfortunately this has led to a lot of divorces and relationship challenges and family challenges due to everyone being so house bound. This definitely has contributed to magnifying whatever discontent was present. It has also contributed to many experiencing depression and anxiety. And for those who already struggle, it's often much harder. Some are experiencing a lot of desire to "flight" and even "fight" making any idea of "working harder at repair" often extremely undesirable.

Is there any way the two of you can live in separated spaces for a while? Separation doesn't always mean a period before divorce or that divorce is eminent.

i agree with the wise and wonderful Open Eyes and Have Hope. Both parties need to work together to adress the issues on the plate so that they can start working on it. I'd try to talk her out into Marriage counselling if you haven't already, but there isn't much more that you can do besides that, i am afraid. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @WW Victim, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!