advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Here we go again
Member
Here we go again has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2020
Location: Usa
Posts: 43
3 yr Member
16 hugs
given
Default Jan 03, 2021 at 05:02 PM
  #1
My husband is seing a lawyer Jan 6. He cheated, I forgave him, now he is at it flirting and making excuses to get out of the house. We are still in the same house as he has nowhere to go, so this is very painful and unfair to me and the children

I wish he just would move out so he can enjoy his extracurricular activities without the pain of seeing him lie, make excuses and dissasociate and making us all feel like chopped liver. He used to pick on fights then blame me, now he just makes excuses .

I feel so lonely and sad. I am trapped here putting a strong front for the kids, a supportive face for him as he struggles with guilt and depression, while maintaining the peace as we negotiate the terms of the divorce. I am getting a very generous settlement and got way more because he knows I did nothing wrong and he feels guilty, but money cannot repair my broken heart or give my kids the time back to be with their father. My husband changed and he brings a cloud of negativity that makes me feel bad about myself. I just want h to leave at this point, but don't want a litigate in court and lose the agreement that we have. I love him and always will. I have accepted this but can't move on until he is out. I was never consulted on this arrangement of him staying here for months until it is final.

I know he is trying not to hurt my feelings and spend time with the kids, but he is doing neither. He already made plans in advance, then gets tense and miserable while we do things with the kids as he struggles with guilt, then makes excuses to leave. The kids are used to him leaving do they are obvlivous, but I know. I'm tired of being treated like an idiot, forgiveness only enable him and made him look for excuses to do it again.

I an numb. I am not surprised or upset, but it hurts me that he acts fine, enjoys the perks of home and understanding, pampering, help with his guilt etc. then like a switch acts so miserable when he plans to meet whomever then, makes us all blue and feel bad as he disconnects when it's time to leave to do his thing, then perks up when it's time to go, then come back and feel guilty and depressed and I have to nursing back from the depressive moods, repeat.
Here we go again is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope, MickeyCheeky, Open Eyes, TishaBuv

advertisement
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 03, 2021 at 05:13 PM
  #2
Oh I feel for you and I feel your pain and sadness.

It's NOT fair OR right what your husband is making you endure. Can't you ask him to please leave out of respect for YOU? If he has any human decency to him, he WILL leave the home so he can pursue his extracurricular activities with other women outside of your home and NOT under your nose! It's appalling what he is putting you through. That's SO disrespectful! And why aren't you angry with him? I would be enraged. I am not blaming you, but supporting him while he is having affairs while still living with you undermines all your sense of self respect and human dignity. You are very kind hearted towards him, yet you are doing yourself a great disservice.

Ask him to leave - or tell him to leave. It's not OK. You should not be taking care of this person who is also hurting you.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
MickeyCheeky
Legendary
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
38.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 03, 2021 at 05:23 PM
  #3
i agree with you that it isn't fair of him to stay in your house like that even though you're separated without even trying to help. i understand that you don't want to ruin this agreement but i think if you want him to stop you need to stand up and make your voice heard about this. Please do consider speaking up about this with your lawyer or whoever else you feel like can help. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Here we go again, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 03, 2021 at 06:02 PM
  #4
Why are you giving your husband so much control?
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Here we go again
Member
Here we go again has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2020
Location: Usa
Posts: 43
3 yr Member
16 hugs
given
Default Jan 04, 2021 at 06:57 AM
  #5
Supposedly, his rationale is that he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, be "best friends' and for him to have access to the kids and house as he pleases. I am way past feeling hurt. I just want to move on.

Why you ask? I was not consulted, but rather informed. I am numb and putting up with this because the children love him. He feels guilty because he hadn't bonded with the kids in a very long time, and I wanted them to spend time with him and have at least some memories other than him being gone.
Here we go again is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Here we go again
Member
Here we go again has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2020
Location: Usa
Posts: 43
3 yr Member
16 hugs
given
Default Jan 04, 2021 at 07:07 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Why are you giving your husband so much control?
I don't want to lose what we negotiated I suppose. He is afraid of that also. I supposed we are both afraid of hurting each other and we are trying to avoid litigation and salvage whatever is left for civility and coordislity. He has no intention to draw blood in court and neither do I. He travels for work, so flexibility and cooperation is needed. Believe me, if we hated each other things would be much easier, but we care about each other very much. I just want the children to be happy. About the control thing, I suppose that could be argued the other way around if you ask him lol! But the truth of the matter is that he threatens with suicide often and has terrible depression and I don't want a tragedy. I just want him to be happy and safe, want the kids to have some memories of him and I want to make sure I am taking care of as he promised, I'm almost 50 and I deserve my fair share of everything that we both worked do hard to get. I just want to make it through the week, and do the best I can as we negotiate, but he really needs to go, I'm tired.
Here we go again is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Open Eyes
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 04, 2021 at 07:10 AM
  #7
Him threatening suicide is emotional manipulation. Can't you keep your settlement in tact and as is, even IF he moves out? And he IS hurting you - how can he tell you he doesn't want to hurt you, yet IS hurting you by staying? This is not making sense and it does not add up. He needs to move out and stop hurting you the way he is.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Here we go again
Member
Here we go again has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2020
Location: Usa
Posts: 43
3 yr Member
16 hugs
given
Default Jan 04, 2021 at 07:49 AM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Him threatening suicide is emotional manipulation. Can't you keep your settlement in tact and as is, even IF he moves out? And he IS hurting you - how can he tell you he doesn't want to hurt you, yet IS hurting you by staying? This is not making sense and it does not add up. He needs to move out and stop hurting you the way he is.
We are both hurting, but he gets the perks both ways, he gets it both ways this way!! I only get the responsibility and pain. I am sure since he spent the night elsewhere last night that he is now ready to move out, I hope that he comes home to pack, I will help him lol! Yes, it is my wish to preserve the arrangements, but I'm afraid that once he talks to the lawyer in a couple of days then he will be advised not to. It is a very loving and generous settlement way past my entitlements, he screws me big time and did nothing to deserve none of this, he knows his success today is off my sweat and years and a lot of sacrifice, and I ain't gonna go homeless or make my kids destitute and afraid of where they are going to live when they are 18. We both agree on this, so there is love and pain.
Here we go again is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 04, 2021 at 07:51 AM
  #9
He spent the night away last night? Yes, I would help him pack!!!!

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 05, 2021 at 12:18 AM
  #10
Do you have a good lawyer representing you?

__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Open Eyes
Here we go again
Member
Here we go again has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2020
Location: Usa
Posts: 43
3 yr Member
16 hugs
given
Default Jan 05, 2021 at 06:35 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Do you have a good lawyer representing you?
The best in town, but that seems unimportant to me at this point. I love him beyond rational thought. I just want to survive the week and see him one last time before he leaves forever. This is not right. Something is not right. It should be about anger, bitterness, winning and spite, but I don't feel that way, I feel compassion, love and an impulse to help. Divorce should not be about love. His appointment is tomorrow. I am at peace and it's greater than me and I can't help but to feel love, and if that is the way I will go, then so be it.
Here we go again is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 05, 2021 at 08:51 PM
  #12
When someone mentions suicide it’s not always manipulative or emotional blackmail. It can genuinely be due to severe depression and mental instability and duress.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 06, 2021 at 04:00 AM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Here we go again View Post
The best in town, but that seems unimportant to me at this point. I love him beyond rational thought. I just want to survive the week and see him one last time before he leaves forever. This is not right. Something is not right. It should be about anger, bitterness, winning and spite, but I don't feel that way, I feel compassion, love and an impulse to help. Divorce should not be about love. His appointment is tomorrow. I am at peace and it's greater than me and I can't help but to feel love, and if that is the way I will go, then so be it.
I think he's manipulating you and the situation to get what he wants - to stay in the home right now, but to do what he wants with other women - that's my two cents. Your gut tells you that something is off - your gut is usually correct.

Although divorce doesn't have to be bitter - people can split amicably. But he is disrespecting you right now and is hurting you.

You feel the way you feel though, and if. you're at peace, then that's a good thing. It seems contradictory to the title of your post and to your earlier posts about being hurt. Maybe you have mixed feelings? I know through my divorce, I feel a very mixed bag of emotions, which is only natural.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 06, 2021 at 12:44 PM
  #14
It sounds like you have always loved your husband and sacrificed a lot so he could get ahead and have a career that he could flourish in. Sometimes what happens with that is that the wife creates a different life for the husband and with that his lifestyle gradually gets so the wife isn't a part of this new life. What gradually can take shape is the husband gets more involved with the career and less and less connected to his wife and family. So in essence the husband gets more and more detached. He is no longer the person the wife married, he has grown into another person that is increasingly involved in this new existence. This actually can happen with the woman too where the husband supports her as she works on a career and she becomes so involved with her career world that she slowly detaches from her husband.

When someone works on and attains knowledge and becomes more valueable it often changes how others in that world see him, this includes any women that are exposed to him who are looking for a "made" man. It doesn't always have to be a woman though, instead it could be the career itself that provides so much reward that it becomes that individual's life. It's actually very common for this level to take place in the individual's forties. However, it can take place when an individual is younger and hits a level where they are in high demand like in music and acting careers and in competitive sports of all kinds. However, it can happen in the medical field too as I remember a client of mine that is a heart surgeon who once he accomplished the skill set needed he was in so much demand that he genuinely had little time to be with his family and children. I do remember him struggling with that challenge as he was experiencing the cost of his career in terms of a normal family life. This can also happen when either individual gets involved with serving the country and literally goes for several months when on tour of duty. We all know that too changes a person.

My point is there really is NO black and white and it doesn't always boil down to "you are being abused" either. I have met career individuals that are conflicted where their career path took over and they were not the ideal family/relationship individual they also thought they could be. There actually CAN be a lot of guilt because of that. And there are times where the career was so consuming that the woman or man can suddenly see their children in their teens and they really don't know them, how fast that happened too almost like over night.

Relationship challenges don't always boil down to "oh my god I am the victim". Also, when you invest in another person there is always a risk. Just because you did this and that it doesn't always give you a guarantee. Actually, when I talked to this heart surgeon one of his big challenges was how he watched his mother try to go through treatment for her breast cancer. He did watch her suffer and in the end the treatment failed and his mother died. This made him question if it was wrong for his mother to go through all of that. My reply to him was that he really had to keep in mind that there have been many women who seek treatment and survive, and that his mother had the right to at least try and that is why we have medical treatment in the first place. One would think he already knew this given how he holds another person's very life in his hands with every heart surgery he performs. Yet, he somehow could not see it that way and he really just needed someone to help him with that so he could remember there genuinely are "risks" and no guaruntees. There are times in our lives where we have to get to a point where we realize how we simply cannot always control outcomes. This heart surgeon was definitely struggling with "this is so unfair" feelings.

I don't want to project anything into this challenge you are facing, I see that happen a lot (after all no one here knows your husband personally or even you). It seems to me that part of you wants to find the best way to handle this challenge and there are some gray areas that I don't want to fill which can push you in any direction that would lead to an end result you really don't want. It's hard enough when it comes to sorting out why a relationship is not working out and sorting through your emotions about it. It can lead to this feeling of "this is so unfair". That is when it's important to step back so you don't let emotions take over as you feel them.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Jan 06, 2021 at 01:18 PM..
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Here we go again
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 06, 2021 at 06:09 PM
  #15
Actually regardless how bad things look you can always maintain friendly rapport with each other and co parent amicably. It doesn’t need to be a battle or bitterness at all. It could be a peaceful negotiation, there is nothing wrong with feeling compassion. Heck there are plenty of married people staying together in bitterness, anger and disrespect for each other. There is nothing wrong with divorcing in a compassionate kind way.

I don’t blame you for wanting him to pack his stuff and go. You are not running a hotel. He can’t just go sleep one night elsewhere and then return like nothing happened. That’s disrespectful.

Life is too short to spend it in misery and I’d never advice anyone to devote their life to misery. There is more to life than pain and suffering.

I think it’s entirely possible when you two finally go separate ways but establish good routine for the children and both are demonstrating good models of healthy life for your kids, you’ll heal and you will live a good life. I promise you that.

I wish you the best. Hugs
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
Here we go again
Member
Here we go again has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2020
Location: Usa
Posts: 43
3 yr Member
16 hugs
given
Default Jan 06, 2021 at 07:49 PM
  #16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
It sounds like you have always loved your husband and sacrificed a lot so he could get ahead and have a career that he could flourish in. Sometimes what happens with that is that the wife creates a different life for the husband and with that his lifestyle gradually gets so the wife isn't a part of this new life. What gradually can take shape is the husband gets more involved with the career and less and less connected to his wife and family. So in essence the husband gets more and more detached. He is no longer the person the wife married, he has grown into another person that is increasingly involved in this new existence. This actually can happen with the woman too where the husband supports her as she works on a career and she becomes so involved with her career world that she slowly detaches from her husband.

When someone works on and attains knowledge and becomes more valueable it often changes how others in that world see him, this includes any women that are exposed to him who are looking for a "made" man. It doesn't always have to be a woman though, instead it could be the career itself that provides so much reward that it becomes that individual's life. It's actually very common for this level to take place in the individual's forties. However, it can take place when an individual is younger and hits a level where they are in high demand like in music and acting careers and in competitive sports of all kinds. However, it can happen in the medical field too as I remember a client of mine that is a heart surgeon who once he accomplished the skill set needed he was in so much demand that he genuinely had little time to be with his family and children. I do remember him struggling with that challenge as he was experiencing the cost of his career in terms of a normal family life. This can also happen when either individual gets involved with serving the country and literally goes for several months when on tour of duty. We all know that too changes a person.

My point is there really is NO black and white and it doesn't always boil down to "you are being abused" either. I have met career individuals that are conflicted where their career path took over and they were not the ideal family/relationship individual they also thought they could be. There actually CAN be a lot of guilt because of that. And there are times where the career was so consuming that the woman or man can suddenly see their children in their teens and they really don't know them, how fast that happened too almost like over night.

Relationship challenges don't always boil down to "oh my god I am the victim". Also, when you invest in another person there is always a risk. Just because you did this and that it doesn't always give you a guarantee. Actually, when I talked to this heart surgeon one of his big challenges was how he watched his mother try to go through treatment for her breast cancer. He did watch her suffer and in the end the treatment failed and his mother died. This made him question if it was wrong for his mother to go through all of that. My reply to him was that he really had to keep in mind that there have been many women who seek treatment and survive, and that his mother had the right to at least try and that is why we have medical treatment in the first place. One would think he already knew this given how he holds another person's very life in his hands with every heart surgery he performs. Yet, he somehow could not see it that way and he really just needed someone to help him with that so he could remember there genuinely are "risks" and no guaruntees. There are times in our lives where we have to get to a point where we realize how we simply cannot always control outcomes. This heart surgeon was definitely struggling with "this is so unfair" feelings.

I don't want to project anything into this challenge you are facing, I see that happen a lot (after all no one here knows your husband personally or even you). It seems to me that part of you wants to find the best way to handle this challenge and there are some gray areas that I don't want to fill which can push you in any direction that would lead to an end result you really don't want. It's hard enough when it comes to sorting out why a relationship is not working out and sorting through your emotions about it. It can lead to this feeling of "this is so unfair". That is when it's important to step back so you don't let emotions take over as you feel them.

This is absolutely exactly what happened. You nailed it, that is why all the conflicting emotions, as we have everything to be happy and have been, but the career took over and he is conflicted between two different worlds. He chose though, and it's a bitter pill to swallow. I know he is making a mistake and that he will regret this, as what we have is worth fighting for, and it's beautiful, but I can't fight alone and he is too far gone at this point. It seems like he wants to feel/indulge in whatever he is feeling and I can't stop him. I am sure his depression would get worse this way, but he seems to think it is happiness that awaits on the greener pastures he sees.

I feel depressed today. I haven't been depressed in 30 years. But can't be because I have the most beautiful children and they need to see smiles not tears. I can't today, I cried, at least I'm not numb today.
Here we go again is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Open Eyes
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 06, 2021 at 09:07 PM
  #17
How old are your children here we go again?
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Here we go again
Member
Here we go again has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2020
Location: Usa
Posts: 43
3 yr Member
16 hugs
given
Default Jan 07, 2021 at 02:38 AM
  #18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
When someone mentions suicide it’s not always manipulative or emotional blackmail. It can genuinely be due to severe depression and mental instability and duress.
I agree with you. He has ptsd and depression, so I know the threat is real.
Here we go again is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Open Eyes
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 07, 2021 at 05:21 AM
  #19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Here we go again View Post
I agree with you. He has ptsd and depression, so I know the threat is real.
The threat may be real along with his depression and PTSD, but he could also be using suicide threats as a way to stay in the home. It's very possible.

This man has proven himself to be sneaky and a liar because he cheated on you, and to be disrespectful of you by continuing to sleep with other women while still living with you now.

Why are you not enraged by his behavior and treatment of you? You're focused on his depression and mental health issues, while in the meantime he is sleeping with whomever he wishes and he gets to still live in your home.

I think it would really benefit you to look at your husband with more of an objective and critical eye.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes

Last edited by Have Hope; Jan 07, 2021 at 06:38 AM..
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
sarahsweets
Here we go again
Member
Here we go again has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2020
Location: Usa
Posts: 43
3 yr Member
16 hugs
given
Default Jan 07, 2021 at 11:15 AM
  #20
Our kids are 8 and 11. Yes, I am focusing on my self and my healing, and trying to look forward and do things on my own and with my kids. Also trying to see things for what it is and stop justifying his behavior, clinging to false hope, but something is not right and I can't shake it.
.
Update

He finally said that he wanted to seek medical help and wanted pills. He agreed to go to counseling alone to sort his own issues, not marital counseling. Still going through the divorce, his appointment was yesterday.

He said that he carries a lot of guilt and that he hates himself, and everyone he sees me he is reminded of what he had done to me and his kids. He is sick, and happy that he is finally seeking help for his mental health issues.
Here we go again is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
 
Thanks for this!
Open Eyes
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:13 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.