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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,089
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#21
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And good for you for outlining your goals and future! It sounds like a very bright future ahead of you. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#22
It sounds like what you are doing is the pattern you had known in the past where he would come home then be away to serve. Even then you were intimate because you knew it would be a while before you would be able to again. This was an established routine in your relationship while he served. At the same time you learned how to have your own career too. We are creatures of habit and we can get into a routine where we unknowingly just follow a routine to free up our mind to think about other things and yet it's our way of gaining a sense of subconscious control too.
Your husband is used to seeing you during leave and then going off on a tour of duty where he is in another routine entirely that you are not a part of. Part of the reason he has not bonded with his children is because he did not really get to bond with them during his leaves when his main focus was to be with you. Those that get involved in the service are first of all young and they go through a lot of training and in that training it's very repetitive. It genuinely becomes someone's life style and how their brain gets wired to that life style. When their time in the service stops they WILL look for something that allows them to replicate that type of life style because it's how their brain is now wired to operate. You cannot compare the life style you got accustomed to with others that never lived that lifestyle. Also, you learned how to work and basically hold the fort of your homelife while your husband went off to serve. So that too is "learned lifestyle skills". It's also a pattern you got used to living. It's very important to understand this FACT @Here we go again because what is normal for YOU is going to be different from what is considered normal to others. You simply cannot judge yourself for this either or put yourself down as that's really not being fair to yourself. You were both young when you got married and you both learned to live a certain lifestyle. It's important to recognize the fact that you learned how to thrive in that lifestyle and you were able to actually learn to have a career too. You developed a certain kind of relationship style around what you both chose as a career path. What you have described of a pattern really isn't something "new". What was new was how he came home and was also suffering from ptsd and that new change in pattern changed YOUR pattern. So, in effect you had to suddenly deal with a lot of CHANGES you were not prepared to deal with. When I read about what kind of relationship you had, it's not the typical "abuse relationship" that others share. The dynamic of your relationship has been different. Truth is you never were interested in having a relationship with someone else, you were living the lifestyle that revolved around his serving and many women are loyal to their men that have to go off and serve for several months at a time. Like these other women you had a plan for what you wanted, that's pretty normal, but that plan did not include dealing with a man that got so traumatized he developed ptsd. When a partner develops ptsd it changes the relationship a lot, it changes the person struggling a lot and quite honestly, it's not INTENTIONAL, but instead intrusive. And it could be that YOU are connected to his old life that he can't live anymore too. You can be a reminder and when it comes to that kind of dynamic, that's really hard to address. Truth is he never planned what happened to him either, no one plans to experience ptsd and how much it changes a person. Yes, it can seem selfish, but, if you can understand what it means to need to distance from reminders it's more understandable. Doesn't mean it's fair. |
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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Member
Member Since Dec 2020
Location: Usa
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#23
True. I can't help him anymore, maybe his next victim has more endurance as they have known him like this and their romance has been between desert te es and granade explosions, he was a different person and that person is long gone. He left the military 10 years ago, but his job is related and just as stresful and full 🌝 f triggers. Add money and power to that plus first class tickets around the world traveling with cheaters and alcoholics, the perfect recipe for disaster, breeding grounds for cheating and detaching from your family. He knows that neither our children or I had done anything to deserve the abandonment and neglect. That is why he has sworn to generosity in the divorce and amicability/frie ship with me. Yes, I might just be the one stable friend he needs, or a healthy habit that reminds him if his former humanity and earlier
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Open Eyes, Purple,Violet,Blue
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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#24
I am sorry you are struggling. Hang in there.
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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Member
Member Since Dec 2020
Location: Usa
Posts: 43
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#25
I feel better, bit the struggle to get through this will be long. Thank you for your words of care and support. I feel alone and lonely. I feel stupid justifying his behavior over and over. I'm trying to distract myself and my kids and not to think where he is at it where he is doing. Definetely not feeling sorry for him, he out there chasing his conquest while we sit here eating alone. I don't have any proof of his cheating now, bit I know his mistress has circled back and he is very secretive with his phone, wants to excersise and duet and gas shaved his privates (gross). The writing is on the wall. I feel bad for my kids.
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Have Hope, Open Eyes, Purple,Violet,Blue
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,089
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#26
Sending warm hugs and positive thoughts for you. I am so sorry for your struggles and pain.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,372
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#27
Ouch. I am sorry. But you are not alone. Not at all. You and your children are a family. Enjoy good times with them. He could keep shaving (ouch, ew) and chasing women. Cannot control that. You can control your life and it could be a good one. For you and the kids
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Have Hope, Purple,Violet,Blue
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,116
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#28
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It's very hard to grieve how you wanted and were willing to love him only to end up not having that appreciated and respected the way deserved. The fact that you loved him doesn't mean you are a bad person or stupid etc., We often love someone that is for whatever reason unable to appreciate it. Sometimes it can be due to how something changed them in a way that is extremely hard to understand. Who is his next victim? Himself! He is very sick and needs help. Last edited by Open Eyes; Jan 16, 2021 at 04:40 PM.. |
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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New Member
Member Since Jan 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 1
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#29
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Open Eyes
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,116
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#30
This is an interesting article to read about fantasy and reality and emotions.
Fantasy and Its Effect on Your Reality | Psychology Today |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,116
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#31
@Hurting again, this is a very good article to read that may help you see your dilemma better. This is actually something very commonly experienced when finally exiting from a relationship, something you WANTED to be healthy but wasn't. Often a person WANTS others to understand the kind of pain they are experiencing and often others are only able to see the REALITY and not the "fantasy" you created in your mind about someone that simply failed to fit into the fantasy you wanted of them. Often the grief is more for "what could have been IF ONLY" and not the reality of what a person really was. This is a grief that others may not be able to "comfort" you for when instead they only noticed how the other person was wrong and toxic and unhealthy during the entire relationship.
Emotional (Phantom Limb) Pain | Psychology Today |
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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New Member
Member Since Jan 2021
Location: AZ
Posts: 2
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#32
"Now here I'm saddle with lawyers and the ****** process of dismantling our family, while he is out basking on his success that I HELPED him build. He is on top of his game right now, today the fruits of his hard work and mine and our children have come to fruition".
This resonated with me! I too built my husband's wonderful life, gave him all of me, gave him 4 beautiful children and a safe, relaxing home. Until he decided life is dull and gets to go out and have fun with whoever he wants and not have any retribution from doing so. Most men don't effing care about nesting. Most are like wild animals, they see an attractive female and instinct kicks in that they have to get their attention and F them. **** gets boring and difficult to deal with and they are off to the pasture again looking for excitement! Hang in there. One day you will look back and wonder how the hell you got thru this but you will also realize that you will never do that **** again! |
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Fuzzybear, Purple,Violet,Blue
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
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#33
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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