Update from Here I go again

Have Hope · Jan 16, 2021, 08:34 AM

Sending warm hugs and positive thoughts for you. I am so sorry for your struggles and pain.

divine1966 · Jan 16, 2021, 08:52 AM

Ouch. I am sorry. But you are not alone. Not at all. You and your children are a family. Enjoy good times with them. He could keep shaving (ouch, ew) and chasing women. Cannot control that. You can control your life and it could be a good one. For you and the kids

We are here for you.

Open Eyes · 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Here we go again

I feel better, bit the struggle to get through this will be long. Thank you for your words of care and support. I feel alone and lonely. I feel stupid justifying his behavior over and over. I'm trying to distract myself and my kids and not to think where he is at it where he is doing. Definetely not feeling sorry for him, he out there chasing his conquest while we sit here eating alone. I don't have any proof of his cheating now, bit I know his mistress has circled back and he is very secretive with his phone, wants to excersise and duet and gas shaved his privates (gross). The writing is on the wall. I feel bad for my kids.

Sometimes we love someone that simply cannot love us back the same way. The person your husband is running away from the most is himself. He is challenged with ptsd and he is constantly trying to escape through the alcohol and other drugs as well as being with women that have similar challenges. The so called "love" isn't actually love but the desire for "escape". His friend eventually decided to do the ultimate escape. Perhaps part of why your husband felt such a need to go to his wake was reflecting his need to see it was real and that his friend was really gone or to have a chance to say his goodbyes with the physical presence in front of him and to have a chance to pay his respects in a private way. There was a bonding that was present that is hard to put into words. I actually noticed this with my father who never really got over how all his shipmates he shared a compartment with ended up being killed by a bomb that hit that ship right in that compartment area. My father did not go on that tour with all his friends/comrads. He never go over that loss.

It's very hard to grieve how you wanted and were willing to love him only to end up not having that appreciated and respected the way deserved. The fact that you loved him doesn't mean you are a bad person or stupid etc., We often love someone that is for whatever reason unable to appreciate it. Sometimes it can be due to how something changed them in a way that is extremely hard to understand. Who is his next victim? Himself! He is very sick and needs help.

Hurting again · Jan 18, 2021, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Here we go again

Thank you everyone for your concern and advice. I read your thoughtful replies carefully after a long and difficult weekend. Thank you for taking the time to write, it means a lot to me. Thank you.

A few take aways and updates:

- Yes, I've been diagnosed with ptsd myself due to the trauma of infidelity two years ago. It was the worse thing, I sought counseling to manage the triggers and be better. I got better and got over it and then, Evan! Here we go again...

- I just want him to go but don't know how to say it without enraging him. He already has an exit strategy which he is not sharing, but I'm assuming, he will move out once he files for divorce to cover his behind, so in the meantime he pretends to be here and makes us all miserable. He is trying, but it's too difficult.

- Yes, I love him.but I'm done with his BS. Let his new hussy nurse his health and do his laundry. I deserve better than the coldness he shows, it makes me feel bad about myself.

-I'm done feeling sorry for him. I am done justifying his behavior. Cheaters cheat, takers take, and he prefers being elsewhere than with his innocent children, so no more excuses for him. There are other choices to handle things and he refuses, this is his choice, and not good ones, and I can't stop him fr pursuing "what he wants". I just get informed of what he wants. I'm.tired.

I feel that even though it has been painful and that I've humiliated myself and acted like a chump, I see things clearer on what I need and deserve, someone here me tioned that he can't give that me so it's best to let go, and let go and doing, it's hard, but the man I love is no longer there, his eyes are dead, his heart is elsewhere and he is too far gone into the rabbit hole. I am looking out for my kids and myself, that is the kind of live I need now.

-he is genially happier when away because he doesn't have to lie, deceive, hide his phone, live a double life, look at his innocent children in the eye etc. So for the sake of his happiness that he do desires,candy mine, he should go. I anticipate in 2 week tops from what I gather. Please help me get through this.

Thank you!

Hi, Believe it or not I am going through/diagnosed PTSD myself, She's left 5 times and now has become the number one issue in my relationship with her. She left again 2 mo ago and now hurting again, right back where I was before. Sorry you are going through this.

Open Eyes · Jan 19, 2021, 01:45 AM

This is an interesting article to read about fantasy and reality and emotions.

Fantasy and Its Effect on Your Reality | Psychology Today

Open Eyes · Jan 19, 2021, 04:06 PM

@Hurting again, this is a very good article to read that may help you see your dilemma better. This is actually something very commonly experienced when finally exiting from a relationship, something you WANTED to be healthy but wasn't. Often a person WANTS others to understand the kind of pain they are experiencing and often others are only able to see the REALITY and not the "fantasy" you created in your mind about someone that simply failed to fit into the fantasy you wanted of them. Often the grief is more for "what could have been IF ONLY" and not the reality of what a person really was. This is a grief that others may not be able to "comfort" you for when instead they only noticed how the other person was wrong and toxic and unhealthy during the entire relationship.

Emotional (Phantom Limb) Pain | Psychology Today

Fee007 · Jan 21, 2021, 03:36 PM

"Now here I'm saddle with lawyers and the ****** process of dismantling our family, while he is out basking on his success that I HELPED him build. He is on top of his game right now, today the fruits of his hard work and mine and our children have come to fruition".

This resonated with me! I too built my husband's wonderful life, gave him all of me, gave him 4 beautiful children and a safe, relaxing home. Until he decided life is dull and gets to go out and have fun with whoever he wants and not have any retribution from doing so.

Most men don't effing care about nesting. Most are like wild animals, they see an attractive female and instinct kicks in that they have to get their attention and F them. **** gets boring and difficult to deal with and they are off to the pasture again looking for excitement!

Hang in there. One day you will look back and wonder how the hell you got thru this but you will also realize that you will never do that **** again!

Fuzzybear · Feb 01, 2021, 03:11 PM

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