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Here we go again
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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 01:44 PM
  #1
Hello!

So, another update. My husband is severely depressed and going through a mental health crisis. He says that he is "crazy" and can't even cry anymore. He says he feels detached and unable to connect with anything or anyone. I've set up some appointments, he says he needs medication, whether he goes or not is to be determined.

I am just trying to avoid a tragedy here. He has contemplated suicide before (ptsd from war) . I'm trying to help but do t know how and I'm sure I am just raising his anxiety levels and make me resent me more just for trying to help. I'm doing what I can, but I don't know if I'm helping or what.

What am I supposed to do? I am going to counseling and not taking medication. He is doing neither. What is happening?? Our family went from happy to this like a switch. I was oblivious of his me talk health vows. I read on Yahoo today about michael phelps going through depression/detachment/unhappiness/wanting to be alone and his beautiful wife and children that are trying to help him. I see myself on her so much.

Where to turn, what to do? He is very sick and I can't turn my back now.
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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 02:56 PM
  #2
(((Here we go again))), there is a lot going on right now that is SO UNHEALTHY. For someone who has ptsd it can get down right overwhelming. And for a veteran struggling with ptsd much of what is being aired on TV and on the net can be very triggering.

Is your husband home? He probably doesnt even know how to get help for what he is experiencing. It would be helpful if he could at least have a presence he could talk to. He may need medication like Clonazapam to help him until things begin to calm down. Is he drinking?

He needs to distance from anything that can trigger him. If he can't cry or feel it's not a bad thing. He needs to stay away from all media right now too. The media is very unhealthy and too emotionally charged right now. Lots of people are struggling to connect. He doesnt have to see his challenge as crazy, a lot of people are genuinely struggling with all that is going on. There is a lot of unrest and instability right now and everyone is feeling it on some level.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Jan 13, 2021 at 03:24 PM..
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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 03:20 PM
  #3
He needs to take care of his health concerns and problems himself. It is not fair to burden you with this, as he is sleeping with other women and is asking you for a divorce. You are not obligated anymore. It is in his hands to take care of his own problems, which is what I would state to him. If you choose to now take care of his mental health needs, you are in a position of codependency, taking care of the man who is hurting you. I would tell him to get professional help and medication and that he needs to take care of it himself. I know that sounds perhaps a bit cold and perhaps a bit harsh, but honestly, he's been hurting YOU through all of this - how much are you supposed to harm yourself before you draw a boundary and a line in the sand? it's just not fair to YOU, the one he has harmed through the marriage.

I do have trouble wrapping my brain around still sleeping with him at this point, sexually. I am not judging at all , and I understand that relationships and emotions are complex. But you're just muddying the waters for yourself by doing so. He is sleeping with other women. I wouldn't continue sleeping with the man who is also having sex with other women, and perhaps even unprotected sex. Sorry... I know that was brought up in your other thread and is not a part of this thread. But I wanted to mention it.

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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 03:42 PM
  #4
Yes, this is very hurtful and difficult. I am just trying to make the best out of all the butter lemons. He swears that there is no other woman, he would be happy I would think, but this is different, he is just a walking sad zombie. He doesn't even have the will to drink anymore, or eat, or sleep. This is different from when he had an affair 2 years ago. I don't know what to think at this point.
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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 03:53 PM
  #5
So Sorry you are going through this! i am not sure if there is much you can do unfortunately as he needs to get help himself if he wants things to improve. Try to insist on him getting Help, provide support however you can, remind him that you're there for him, always remember that he is NOT your responsability and do not forget to take care of yourself as Well! It is hard to see our Loved Ones struggle but there's only so much we can do. It is his responsability. So i agree with Open Eyes, try to help and to get him away from the media. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Here we go again, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 04:03 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Here we go again View Post
Yes, this is very hurtful and difficult. I am just trying to make the best out of all the butter lemons. He swears that there is no other woman, he would be happy I would think, but this is different, he is just a walking sad zombie. He doesn't even have the will to drink anymore, or eat, or sleep. This is different from when he had an affair 2 years ago. I don't know what to think at this point.
I thought you said there were other women involved right now? Perhaps I misread? I thought he wasn't sleeping at home periodically and is spending the night elsewhere? I wouldn't trust the words of a cheater. A man who cheats also lies and covers up.

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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 04:14 PM
  #7
Dear Here we go again,

I am so very sorry you are in this situation. How does one help a person who can't or won't seek help? I wish I had an answer. You mention that are going to counseling. Does you counselor have any advice for you about that situation? He or she should be able to give you some really helpful professional advice, I would think. I myself don't know what I would do if I was in your position. It sounds like such a dreadful situation.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 05:35 PM
  #8
Immediately call 911. He is not mentally well. They have crisis teams that can determine what kind of hospital will help. This is not your job and it is emotinal battery regardless of his issues.

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Originally Posted by Here we go again View Post
Hello!

So, another update. My husband is severely depressed and going through a mental health crisis. He says that he is "crazy" and can't even cry anymore. He says he feels detached and unable to connect with anything or anyone. I've set up some appointments, he says he needs medication, whether he goes or not is to be determined.

I am just trying to avoid a tragedy here. He has contemplated suicide before (ptsd from war) . I'm trying to help but do t know how and I'm sure I am just raising his anxiety levels and make me resent me more just for trying to help. I'm doing what I can, but I don't know if I'm helping or what.

What am I supposed to do? I am going to counseling and not taking medication. He is doing neither. What is happening?? Our family went from happy to this like a switch. I was oblivious of his me talk health vows. I read on Yahoo today about michael phelps going through depression/detachment/unhappiness/wanting to be alone and his beautiful wife and children that are trying to help him. I see myself on her so much.

Where to turn, what to do? He is very sick and I can't turn my back now.

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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 06:07 PM
  #9
There is a veteran crisis line. You can call them yourself if he refuses to call and ask what to do. My husband must have the number somewhere. He does not need it but VA always sends a magnet with a number on it. Let me find out
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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 06:11 PM
  #10
Found it 1 800 273 8255, then press an option 1

You could do confidential chat texting to 838255
Or veterancrisisline.net

Now if your husband is active duty it might not be for him, but it won’t hurt to ask. Tell him to contact crisis line. Or do it yourself as a wife of a military and see if they might help you
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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 06:13 PM
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My husband contacted them when he was going through a terrible divorce with his ex. He and his adult kids needed someone to help them through. They were very helpful, he said.
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Default Jan 15, 2021 at 04:58 PM
  #12
Thank you everyone. Everything you have wrote has been so helpful. I called his parents to tell then what was going on, and for them to reach out to him so perhaps he centers down and starts remembering who he is again.

I will definitely call the va line. He is a veteran with 4 tours in iraq. He never claimed ptsd as he was ashamed of it, but he had it from the first time and got worse on his other tours. His parents actually suggested it also, I will call to ask guidance.

He is paranoid that asking for help will damage his current job, and that I will get the upper hand on the divorce. I swore to him that he didn't have to worry about that since I don't want to harm him and I care for his wellbeing. I will help him set up appointment s together, he said it was overwhelming and he got paranoid again. He thinks he is foil ng people at work, but people would have to be blind if they don't think he is a lose cannon.

He is drinking everyday. I think he is in a hotel or couch surfing since he comes here to shower and change. I don't think any friend or hobag would encourage him to drink everyday, that is not a friend. His (former?) Mistress was an alcoholic.

I have no proof that he is back with hobag again as last I heard she had moved on, I think this is a new crush, but things probably soured as who really wants to deal with this is.

Yesterday I asked him why is he doing this, and he said that he is furious that I didn't "let him" go to the wake of his friend that committed suicide. We went to the funeral together, what is the difference? He is not well.

He continues to mention guilt and death together often, do I finally figured out that he blames himself for his alcoholuc suck pervert bff's suicide and resents me for choosing me and his kids over his bff and mistress, which I think he blames his death on himself. Now everything makes perfect sense of what he says it does. I believe he thinks it was the butterfly effect, he befriends alcoholic coworker, puts his penis inside bbf's roommate/howorjer, damages family )is ashamed of himself, comes back home and hurts hobags feelings and ignores bbf's pleads to go join him to drink/party, feels guilty for hurting everyone, pervert kills himself do he caused everything in his twisted mind.

He is seriously sick. I plan on telling him that there is nothing he could have done to prevent it, bff was an alcoholic with severe detachment disorder, and plenty of money to party and use women, and he never filled that void with women, booze, reckless behavior, exotic trips etc. He was bad business and no one liked him other than my husband and his mistress, so lots of pain he carries.

Sigh...
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Default Jan 15, 2021 at 07:17 PM
  #13
@Here we go again, it's not unusual for a vet struggling with PTSD to not reach out for help and hide it for fear it will ruin their future. They do NOT want to be stigmatized and not be able to find something else they can do, even within the service itself.

Unfortunately what your husband did was he began self medicating with alcohol to cope, may have done that and smoked pot and tried other drugs as well. This leads to alcohol dependency and also mood shifts depending on how much alcohol it takes to maintain so as not to experience withdrawls which often leads to early morning drinking and maintaining throughout the day. It's not in the plan to become an alcoholic where it gets to the point where the body literally needs the alcohol or it goes into withdrawl. People manage to function and may go undetected for a while. And then your husband probably let loose when he was with his friend and they hooked up with women at times but not so much in any true HEALTHY way. It's actually not unusual at this stage to hook up with another alcoholic/addict as then both can engage in their addiction without any complaints.

Eventually however, this lifestyle tends to bring with it costs, REAL costs and your husband's friend that committed suicide more than likely could not take this ongoing lifestyle anymore. ALCOHOL DOESN'T REALLY HELP with ptsd, instead it actually can make it even WORSE because it is a DEPRESSANT. Truth be told there are often periods of bad depression and emotional breakdowns and as you mentioned alcohol NEVER actually fills that hole that ptsd creates in a person.

As I had mentioned earlier, it's a bad idea to decide someone expressing thoughts of suicide means emotional blackmail. ESPECIALLY if you are dealing with a vet struggling with PTSD. I am glad you reached out to his parents and plan on talking to the VA as well. He may be unhappy about this, may even lose his job, but it's better than losing his life through suicide as a high percentage of vets are lost due to suicide.

Glad you shared more, it was important that you lay things out not just for people who want to support you correctly, but also for yourself. IMHO, what your husband needs is new friends that are working on healing and facing their ptsd and there are actually better treatments now than 10 years ago. They are constantly studying this challenge in an effort to find ways to help these men and women vets who genuinely struggle often in silence and secret. I believe that he developed ptsd after his first tour too and yet chose to go back and serve three more tours, this is not unusual either.

I am sorry you have had to go through all of this and struggle with secondary ptsd. I don't think it's a good idea to focus so much on "intentional abuse" either. Instead as you mentioned, your husband is actually a very sick individual who needs help, not condemnation. He now has two diseases, ptsd AND alcoholism. So with that alone he has a lot to work on to regain a healthier sense of self.
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Default Jan 15, 2021 at 09:46 PM
  #14
Here we go again, calling veteran crisis line isn’t going to effect his career as I believe it could remain anonymous. My husband is a veteran, I asked him yesterday and he said he doesn’t remember details but he didn’t believe they would ask your name. He doesn’t recall. But we both believe you as a wife can call anonymously and ask for guidance. You can ask for help for yourself.
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Default Jan 15, 2021 at 10:16 PM
  #15
Just confirmed with my husband, it’s for active duty too, not just veterans and it’s confidential. And it’s for families too, not just military and veterans. I’d give it a try.

You cannot force other people to get help, quit drinking or seeing therapists, it’s not in your control but you can get help for yourself and ask what they suggest about supporting loved ones in crisis, they have ideas and they are speaking from knowledge. These people receive training how to respond and I never heard anything negative.

In addition you can call about any issue, not only service trauma related. It could be anything that veteran or active duty personnel is struggling with in their life. They are there to support military and veterans AND their families in time of need, regardless what that need is.

Please seek help for yourself and your children ASAP, that’s within your control. My veteran husband sends regards.
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