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LittleWing696
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Default Jan 14, 2021 at 02:49 PM
  #1
I found out in the summer of 2019 that my husband of 8 years was a sex addict. He had been cheating on me for most of the marriage. Shortly after this revelation, I realized I was pregnant with our 2nd child. Since then, we have been doing an "in home" separation. We are both seeing counselors, did couple therapy, and he has been very dedicated to his recovery. He checks in with his sponsor and does step work fairly regularly.
Prior to him facing his addiction, our marriage was crumbling. In addition to infidelity, he was very controlling and emotionally abusive. Our marriage was pretty crappy before I knew about his infidelities.

Since facing his addiction, he has become an amazing husband and father. He is finally attentive, caring, and has empathy. I wanted so much for the sake of our family for me to fall back into love. I mean, he finally became the man I wanted. Shouldn't this erase past trauma?

After discussing divorce in my counseling sessions for years, I keep coming to the conclusion that the only way for me to move on is divorce. I have not had romantic feelings towards my husband in years. I kept verbalizing its what I need, and sometimes look forward to divorce.

I asked my husband for a divorce. He has secured an attorney. I however, don't feel confident about moving on (even though I want it). He's become a great friend. He actually takes care of me now. What if Im making a mistake? What if I stick it out longer- maybe Ill fall back in love? I m also scared of being alone and not seeing my kids everyday.

I have been in this constant state of mental turmoil since July 2019. Despite talking to friends and therapists, I cannot move on. I keep making decisions, then second guessing them. Is this normal? How do I know when I am ready for a divorce?

Thank you to those that read this long post
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Default Jan 14, 2021 at 07:10 PM
  #2
Dear LittleWing696,

I am so very sorry you are in this unhappy situation. Given the magnitude of the your choices and their possible effects, I think it quite understandable that you are conflicted and are experiencing force that keep pulling you in different directions.

Complex situations are not easy to sort out and I imagine the things you are considering are probably one of the most complex issues you will face in your life. I wish I had some great insight to share with you, but sadly I am at a loss for ideas. Hopefully others here will see and read your post and respond with something really helpful to you. I am so sorry that I was unable to be helpful to you but I sincerely hope that everything eventually will work out for the very best for you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Thanks for this!
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Default Jan 15, 2021 at 10:53 AM
  #3
This is a tough one. Do you think it's your fear of being alone that is holding you back the most? Past trauma from abuse can be very difficult to overcome. And if you haven't felt in love with your husband for years, do you really think it's realistic that you would fall back in love? Also, abusers rarely change without intense individual therapy that addresses the abusive behaviors directly - it also takes many years of individual therapy for an abuser to truly change their behaviors. I worry for you that your husband is now the model husband but is putting on an act, or what is called the "honeymoon" phase after abuse. I worry that he could become abusive again. There's so many issues - abuse, sex addiction and infidelity throughout the marriage. The other side of divorce can be very freeing, empowering and one that is fulfilling and happy. But that's all up to you to create for yourself. I wouldn't stay in a marriage that doesn't work for you anymore out of fear of being alone.

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Default Jan 15, 2021 at 11:50 AM
  #4
So Sorry to hear this. Erasing trauma is not something that happens easily and it can take years before fully Healing. i think it's important to REALLY think about it since it's been well over a year of you feeling like this. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @LittleWing696, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Jan 15, 2021 at 04:32 PM
  #5
I've been through that. I had to had therapy for ptsd due to the trauma of infidelity, then worked on my trust issues and using what I learned, I healed and fell in love with him again, harder even because he was finally the husband that I had before and our relationship improved and was better than ever. Then out of the blue and after all that work and new found happiness and crazy in love, he gets triggered again and drops the same tube: I don't love you anymore, I've faked it for years, you are great but I'm unhappy etc. Same tune as before, so I just wasted my time. I don't regret the extra two years we got through, and can walk away with new goid memories, I refuse to dwell on the negative, and rather focus on acceptance and moving on.

So falling in love again IS possible. I recommend the book marriage max, is excellent. What you can't control though is your husband's emotions and thought process. In my case, I evolved, and so did he for a while, then fell off the wagon again. I am happy and will always be happy, but I don't want to spend one more day being told how his unhappiness is my responsibility, it is his and do are his mental chains and rethoric that fits his agenda. I am crazy in love with him and it's sad that he once again tells me that he doesn't love bme, so I gave no choice but to believe him, and save myself and my kids, he can go and self destruct if he pleases, I'm tired of being his nurse/secretary/maid/plaything.
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Default Jan 15, 2021 at 10:18 PM
  #6
It is completely understandable how you feel conflicted regarding safety, security, company, connection to your family and all those things that have to be compromised when divorcing. If you don’t act on doing anything toward divorce right now, you have made a choice to do nothing, and that’s a fine choice, too.

If he got a lawyer, he may surprise you by initiating the divorce, so be on guard.

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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 05:46 PM
  #7
Thank you 😊
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Lonesome Soul
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Default Feb 08, 2021 at 03:26 AM
  #8
Hello @LittleWing696. I'm kind of new here, and I realize this post is nearly a month old now. I was just wondering if there was any update to your situation. You see, I'm kind of going through something similar, where I know that my marriage is over; my wife and I are completely at odds with one another and I know that leaving is probably the best thing I could do for both of us. Yet there is still some hope inside of me that maybe we can turn things around.

One thing to think about is space. You said in your original post that you've been doing the "in house" separation. Maybe before moving ahead with the full divorce you try a legit separation first (if you haven't already.) Sometimes giving one another some space to really find ourselves again makes a big difference. And it may be that you all find that you really are happier apart than you are together. At least now you know. But if there were ever a chance for you to "fall in love" with him again, it's probably not going to happen going along the same path that you have been.

My wife and I have been through several "trial separations" of this nature where I'll leave for a while, and when I come back things seem to be better. Only problem is that the truce doesn't last because we haven't dealt with the fundamental issues at the core of our problems, so we just end up right back where we started. Maybe with your situation, where your husband has been doing the work and facing his demons head on, there is some hope that at the very least you two can have a healthier partnership when it comes to coparenting your kids.

Whatever happens, I truly wish you the best!
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Default Feb 13, 2021 at 12:38 AM
  #9
He gave you what you wanted but there is something deep inside of you that you have to get in touch with that's causing you to stay distant. If you've forgiven him then you don't remember the things of the past and they don't affect today. However, if you do remember those things or they are having adverse impacts then you truly haven't forgiven and you need some help to forgive. The only other thing that will push you forward into divorce is this being an opportunity to escape a marriage you are no longer committed to make work no matter what type of person he has become.
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