Just told husband I want a divorce

I have been married for 21 years. We have two daughters together 18 and 15. My husband has always been emotionally unavailable but a good man. He struggled with alcoholism on and off for a number of years of our marriage, never mean or violent, just a way for him to escape his anxiety and depression. I have thought about leaving so many times but kept hanging on because I hoped things would get better with us being more emotionally connected after he quit drinking. They didn’t and he is sober and has been for 3 years now but quit his job two years ago and hasn’t found another. Luckily we could financially afford that and I work. But seeing him during COVID every day just sleep and be by himself not really communicating was the end for me. I have been so sad and lonely. So, tonight I told him that I want a divorce. He handled it well, was stunned (even though it shouldn’t be a surprise) and was calm. But then he decided to go out. I am worried that he will fall off the wagon start drinking and go down an even darker path. It scares me, especially for our kids seeing him devolve if he spirals but I can’t be responsible for him anymore. I’m sad but resolved. Any advice or support welcomed.

Does your husband have a support group to help him with his sobriety? Did he attend AA meetings?

I am sorry to hear that. But you gave it fair amount of time in hopes for improvement. It’s good he quit drinking but two years without a job is excessive and totally unreasonable. What’s his rationale for not working? I get that job market is not stellar but there are jobs out there for those who want to work. But I guess it’s a separate issue. Emotionally unavailable spouse isn’t a picnic. Are you seeing a therapist? Is he seeing one?

He has always said going to meetings and talking about drinking make him want to drink. He reconfirmed his commitment to his sobriety to me today and feels confident he won’t drink. I encouraged him to seek out a therapist.

His reasoning is that he really wanted to do something different and if he went right back into the same kind of job he would be miserable. I agree that is the case but he didn’t also seem that happy not working. I am seeking out therapy and have encouraged him to do the same. We have both done marriage and individual therapy in the past.

It sounds that you gave it a good fair try. Didn’t just give up, therapy is a smart choice

Well he could always work somewhere else. It always amazes me how people choose not to work.. If he was single he’d have to get a job or he wouldn’t eat.

So Sorry you're going through. It seems like you've tried and still are trying to do everything you can to save this Marriage. i Hope and Pray that things will improve and that they will go well regardless of what path you take. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @NewPathBayArea, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

An interesting note...I am from the same city in CA as you. I am a little alarmed by his calm behavior to you wanting a divorce. Perhaps people react to the reality of divorce differently, yet I begged and begged my ex to stay for the sake of our young daughter and stepson. But, I could not get her to acquiesce and we moved out of our home and lead to separate lives. But I digress and don't want this to be about me.

I want to acknowledge something. You're a rock star, since you are concerned with his mood considering your decision to divorce. I am really struggling myself and drowning and it just appears that my ex does not give 2 thoughts about my struggle. I am alone and on the verge of breaking. It is touching to me to see that you care for his wellbeing and ultimately his relationship with his daughters.

Alcoholism is a tough demon to beat, since I did it about 20 years ago. I have not touched a drop of it. I think most people become seduced by alcohol by trying to escape something mentally. Alcohol numbs the mind to suffering. I know this, since it was why I used to drink. It was a nice escape.

So here is my dilemma. Why did your husband drink? I assume it was something he was escaping. I think you said anxiety, but I feel there is a deeper reason. Something hidden in him he is trying to absolve. I am a little concerned with his nonchalant reaction to your decision. Something just doesn't add up to me. Perhaps I am assuming too much. I am sorry if I gave you added concern...

--sarc

It sounds like his underlying issue that began his drinking was depression. I can see how that would cause him to feel he doesn't benefit when he attends a group setting for supporting those who have the problem and want to stay on the path of living their lives sober. (usually it works best for those who need social guidance and stimulation)

He probably did not react to your request for divorce because it may be something he no longer has to worry about. Depression is a beast to deal with and for some functioning at all takes a lot. He should see a doctor and get a physical and blood tests to make sure he doesn't have any health issues that contribute to his depression. Sometimes a vitamin deficiency can be a contributing factor. Then he will need to experiment with medications to see what combination helps and that does require patience.

It's very hard to be in a relationship with someone who is challenged. You certainly have been patient and hopeful for a long time. You will benefit from therapy yourself, especially since you tried so hard to be patient. Depression is hard on everyone in the family.

I would seek counselling. A good church helped me. Prayer can change things, don't just give up based on what you see on the outsider. There is so much more going on in the inside. If you can resolve that everything else will fall into place.