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Lostandneedhelp
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Trig Feb 17, 2021 at 09:49 PM
  #1
Hello all - I have been married for 23 years and was married right out of college. I have had a history of alcohol abuse and am in therapy and seeking help.


Last night my spouse came down and found a can of hard seltzer. She sees it as a betrayal and I had cheated on her. Well I freely admit I am in the wrong and have apologized and talked to my therapist today. My therapist told me that yes - you indeed continue to have a problem and you are trying to get better. We then discussed what could have drove me to have a drink (work, stress, my mom dying,etc). We then discussed how my spouse's reaction felt and I said I felt like my spouse was shaming me and not trying to understand what could be wrong.


Well I tried to talk to my spouse today about it and she brought up all the times in the 23 years I have betrayed her (drinking) and that she always stood by my side. She then went on to say she has given up everything for me and I have cheated on her by sneaking a drink which she considers lying.


I have never stood up for how I was feeling and have always deferred to her feelings but today I said I felt like she was shamming me and I was worried about her 3-4 glasses of wine she drinks in front of me.


She started losing it and told me that she has had counseling training and my therapist has no clue what she is talking about.


I then said I think we should wait for couples therapy and my spouse said that if I dont have the b*lls to talk now, then I should just call a lawyer. I pleaded with my spouse to wait until therapy so we could have an impartial person and my spouse told me to F* off and walked away.

While I am not saint, I do live my life trying to make her happy and our kids happy. I have never screamed, etc and was always very quiet when I had a drink.


Her history is her Dad is an alcoholic and her brother died from an overdose so I understand.

I feel like I am in a crossroads here....my spouse does not show affection because that is "not how she grew up"; she is not interested in my interests but then talks my ear off about hers. I want to stay because I love her but I feel like I am the scapegoat of her misgiving and uncertainties. She is also a pastor and while I feel like she shows grace to everyone else, I never see that.

I am unsure what to do....and afraid of the unknown.

Last edited by bluekoi; Feb 17, 2021 at 11:57 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon.
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Default Feb 18, 2021 at 12:29 PM
  #2
So Sorry that you have to put up with this. While your Spouse is understandably angry i also understand why you'd feel this way. Couple counseling does seem like the best option but it takes both of you to make it work out. Can i ask you how long this has been going on? if it's been for long it is possible she may be simply getting tired. Try to tell her that you're genuinely trying to change but that you need her support as well if things must improve. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Lostandneedhelp, your Family, your Friends, your Wife and AL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Feb 18, 2021 at 01:08 PM
  #3
When making the commitment to stop using alcohol, that has to come first. You have to learn how to now structure your life around not drinking instead of your life being structured around the alcohol. At first the physical challenge is the major hurdle and then after that it’s the daily psychological that is the constant challenge. This means learning how to face all kinds of challenges without using the alcohol as a crutch.

Your wife consuming alcohol in front of you is selfish on her part and disrespectful of what your effort to learn to live your life sober really means. You can’t expect her to give you the support you need as she is clearly prioritizing her resentments that you had a problem in the first place. This typically is what contributes to divorce in many relationships. And if that is the case then so be it because you need to stop drinking for your health at this point.

Please know that when you slip and drink your body can easily become dependent again right back to the level you were at before you stopped. So it’s really not the case where just a little bit will be ok.

This is what a sponsor is for that agrees to be there to help when you get the urge to sit with you and remind you why you need to be strong and keep trying. This is why AA can be so helpful as you have access to others who know what it’s like and can give you the support you need as you work at living your life without using alcohol.

You need support, not shaming which is something others who work at it understand. It’s good that you are working with a therapist. It would help if you found a support group too. That way you are around others that are more supportive to someone just starting to learn how to stay sober.
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Default Feb 18, 2021 at 09:35 PM
  #4
Quote:
We then discussed what could have drove me to have a drink
To get better, it has to be the case that nothing can drive you to have a drink. Nothing.

Do you have experience with AA?
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Default Feb 19, 2021 at 11:58 AM
  #5
First of all @Lostandneedhelp you have done the first important step where you have admitted you DO have a problem. You have expressed a desire to learn how to change and face the problem. That's a huge step in the right direction as many tend to choose different denials, even saying the problem will go away once this or that happens.

I will say to you that it's important to see this being caught and the anger IS a reminder of the negative that happens from engaging alcohol use. What most do when they feel like having that drink is they call their sponsor who talks them past that urge. Or, they go to an AA meeting instead. Due to Covid, it's been hard because in some states these meetings have not been allowed due to social distancing rules. Yet, I have watched how AA members like my husband have worked around that challenge and had Zoom meetings and some have actually set up a place outside where they have bonfires and can have meetings outside. My husband has been sober for almost 30 years now and he still is very active in AA and helping others and has friends, lots of friends now who also had to learn how to live their lives sober.

I understand your wifes anger as I have anger myself, however, it's important the sobriety itself be given time to take hold. The truth is, what your wife hates the most is the disease/mental illness of alcoholism itself. Truth is, it ruins relationships and people's lives. People who have this challenge notoriously make bad choices. Yesterday my husband basically chauffeured a friend from the program around because that friend's drinking cost him is drivers license. This man had to lose his own freedom due to his drinking, but he IS living sober and has to live with the consequences of his bad choices. He was a workaholic and alcoholic and it caught up with him. Truth is, it does catch up and cost the person who engages.

It certainly is hard with Covid and I am sure it's hard for you to deal with the fact that your mother is dying too. Thing is, the alcohol doesn't change any of that and alcohol abuse disorder NEVER fixes anything. It never truely helps anyone escape from reality. Yes, your wife has resentments, you can't fix that, it's up to her to get help with that. All you can do is fix yourself and learn to live one day at a time and stay sober. No one JUST gets it over night. Also, it's important that you understand this is something you are learning to do for yourself, it can't be for your wife or anyone else.
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