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New Member
Member Since Feb 2021
Location: Florida
Posts: 2
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#1
Hey! I’m not sure how these things go.... but here’s my story. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. He was my first boyfriend and we have a four year old daughter together. I’ve told him numerous times that I don’t want to be with him. He’s severely codependent and controlling. I didn’t really notice most of it.... I could go into a lot more detail about those issues or the issues related to his complete lack of motivation in life. I could explain why I’m unhappy, but that’s not why I’m here. I’m here because I finally told him to leave. It’s a bit complicated because I’m in the military and he’ll be moving back to our home state. He’s been increasingly mean, borderline abusive. He calls me names and has threatened to take my daughter and keep her from me. He gaslights. He denies saying certain things. Overall, I need help setting boundaries and how to navigate this. The times I’ve ended it in the past, he’s essentially acted like everything was okay the next day and I didn’t know what to say. So we would fall into the same routine except I grew increasingly depressed and more confused. He hasn’t exactly been willing to accept no as an answer. This time is different. I’ve been sleeping on the couch, giving myself space from him, but I’m nervous he’ll revert back. He wants us to be “friends” until he leaves. I don’t trust it though. What rules should I have right now? How should I act? It’s hard to look at him knowing I have to watch what I say and knowing all of the insane things he says to my mom about everything. My main goal is for us to be a team for our daughter, but he’s making it so hard to keep my cool. How do I get him to actually leave this time?? I have so many questions and can barely think anymore.
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Open Eyes
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,117
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#2
I am sorry you are facing this challenge. It sounds like your husband has some mental health challenges that he needs help with. This is not something you can fix either, instead he needs to find a therapist and learn whatever it is that keeps challenging him. It's unfortunate but a partner can simply be too unhealthy to live with and have a healthy relationship with.
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Legendary
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817
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#3
i agree with the wise and wonderful Open Eyes. You need to focus on yourself and on what you need to do. Have you tried to propose couple counseling to him? Although from what you wrote it really does seem like the problem is mostly on him. You're not responsible for how he behaves unless you cause it somehow. Have you already contacted some sort of lawyer? Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Inneedofpeace, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Open Eyes
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,376
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#4
I am sorry to hear how things worked out. Sadly I am not surprised you want to end it. He sounds impossible to live with. In addition it’s unhealthy for your child to watch her mother being treated poorly.
Honestly the first thing you should do is consult with the lawyer. Sometimes it’s impossible to make someone to leave if they don’t want to. I’d follow legal advice. Collect documentation. I also have to say that yours and your child’s well being should be your priority. He is a grown man and his well being cannot be your priority at the moment It would be also helpful for you to see a therapist, if possible. It would help you to get through this. You can do it. Hugs . |
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New Member
Member Since Feb 2021
Location: Florida
Posts: 2
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#5
Thanks everyone. We have been to marriage counseling, although he didn’t like it because she mostly talked to him. I met with a lawyer today... getting to this point was so hard. Thinking about the anger he will have if I actually have him served is terrifying. The attorney said I should file before he leaves so he can’t try to take my daughter with him. He also said I can’t be this much of a pacifist because he’s weaponizing it. His guilt trips are stuck in my head. I just need to work up the courage to do what’s in the best interest of my daughter.
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Open Eyes
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,376
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9 1,277 hugs
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#6
Many times getting a divorce means having strength and courage to recognize that situation is no longer working out for the best. Most people are not willy nilly about ending their marriage. We should acknowledge when people making difficult decisions to end their marriage. I applaud your courage and wish you strength in days to come
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belay426
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