Feeling lost and betrayed

So almost 7 years ago I met this women from Match, my first profile I was sent actually (I had moved over to Match from being a long time Eharmony user). It had been over 20 years since my first divorce, I was very comfortable in my own skin and comfortable being single. We hit it off immediately, we had so much in common! We got married in less than a year afterwards, bought a home and an RV together a year later.

Everything was great until the pandemic. Both her and her daughter (from another marriage) were home at the time. While we love our family time, having 2 people work and one person school under one roof, day after day, got us all on edge. Tempers often flared and the “romance” of our relationship started to fade. One of our common interests is gaming…video, board, card, camping…pretty much anything. There was this video game we used to play 2 player (split screen) that also has an online component. One day we tried playing the online version and got hooked. It meant we had to take turns, but we loved to watch each other play at first. Eventually we got familiar with other players and would occasionally be in a voice chat with them. I grew bored with the game but she was addicted, so when it was my turn we’d play other 2 player games or I’d play something alone. She got more and more involved in the social voice chatting element, eventually it became an all night thing. Then an every night thing. I was expected to either watch or go upstairs and watch tv anytime she was home. I tried joining the chat as well, getting to know these people. They seemed like nice guys. One of them, a 30 year old (my wife is 46) got especially close to my wife, eventually his Facebook was on her account and he was calling & texting outside of the game.

About a week ago I was fed up with it. After asking to play something together and being refused, I stormed up stairs to take a nap. She came up and gave me the third degree about being constricting to her and not letting her have freedom (wait, isn’t marriage about a partnership?). I told her how I felt, emotionally abandoned, unimportant, unloved. She said she doesn’t think it’s going to get any better. I left the house a bit to cool off, came back and had another conversation with her. It boiled down to the fact that I wasn’t affectionate anymore and that we had nothing in common (which is pretty laughable because we have more in common than not). Another conversation turned into she wants me out of the house and to give her space. She has refused every attempt that I’ve conversed with her at trying to fix this, going to marriage counseling, or trying to talk it out anymore.
We came to a compromise that I would stay in the guest room and try my best to “be invisible”. She hasn’t specifically said “divorce” but has been indicating it. We’re technically separated. I don’t want to give up on the marriage at all. All of her concerns she’s given me I understand and want to fix. And I’m not even the one having the online affair! I really want to do marriage counseling, so we can talk this through with a neutral party.

My questions are this (thank you to whoever has read this far):
I have (and continue to think up) new things to say that may convince her to at least try marriage counselling, yet the only thing she’s asked of me is to give her space. However I overhear (not eavesdropping, just can hear occasionally) her discussing on the phone (with family or the 30 year old guy) convincing herself out loud she’s making the right decision. I know her and know she loves to justify things over and over out loud. Do I continue to give her space and wait this out or interject my thoughts on fixing things before it gets too late?

I know I’m not healing at all being in the house with her. Do I move out to focus on myself or again, wait it out? If there’s any chance of saving this I am willing to put up with anything.

Should I even be focused saving the marriage due to how she’s treated me?

Dear BetrayedGamer,

Marriage counseling seems like a good idea but it is difficult in a conflict situation to know how another person is going to react to anything one says or does. I wish I had some helpful advice for you but sadly I am at a loss. I am so very, very sorry you are going through this unhappy, unhappy ordeal!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

So Sorry that things have been so hard for you. i agree with the wise and wonderful Yaowen about trying out Marriage counseling. Hopefully she will accept to work on this with you. If she refuses then i am not sure if there is much else that you can do but do not give up. Unfortunately pandemic has likely made things hard for many people. i Hope and Pray that you will BOTH be able to work things out. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @BetrayedGamer, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I think you might want to combine two threads. I replied to your other one. You can’t make her go to therapy if she does not want to but you yourself would benefit from therapy.

She sounds like she is an addict. Staying up all night gaming and chatting with guys while having full time job and a teenager at home, even if she wasn’t married, sounds absolutely ridiculous.

As with any addict, is it alcohol or drugs or gaming or sex, healthy relationships are not possible.... unless they seek help. You can’t make them though

If it’s jointly owned house do NOT move out. No way. It would be different with rental. Also, do you feel unsafe? If you don’t feel unsafe, I’d refuse to be invisible in my own house. Is this 30 year old the same guy who is coming to visit her in person? I wonder if that’s why she wants you out of the house

14-year old shouldn’t live like this. I am sorry you are in this predicament. Unless she seeks help with her addictions, I am not sure what could be done

Yeah I posted too much in the introduction thread, when topic-wise it belonged here.

She stopped parenting the 14 year old about a month ago. Doesn't check her grades or homework anymore (and she's struggling just to get Cs), doesn't make her clean her room or bathroom or enforce chores.

Sadly it’s a typical behavior of an addict. When addiction takes over, all other things fall apart. How sad. It sounds like you really care about her daughter. Teenagers need their parents to be alert and present

In my opinion she has already made the choice. Since she is the one who has decided to step outside of the marriage I’d gather as much evidence as possible and refuse to live in the guest room. That is both of your houses and if she wants to stray, she should stray to the other room or leave herself. Online affairs were already a huge problem with our modern society and the pandemic supercharged it. Stay strong and do not ever stoop to name calling or outward expressions of anger (if that’s at all an issue). If this is what she wants, let her have it. I have found in my own experience that fighting for the marriage is ALMOST impossible once the affair occurs. Trust will never be 100% restored. Every game she plays, text she sends and call she makes will hurt you and make you feel insecure.

Stay strong, collect evidence (in case you have to fight in court), and always remain in control and mindful of what you say and do. Good luck man, my heart goes out to you!

I worry about a fight for the house. She's told me she wants to agree to a settlement outside of lawyers, but I want to be prepared.

Does any of this matter when the house becomes a fight:
1. She has a kid, I just have dogs.

2. The divorce is 100percent her choice. She has refused to work on things, and has refused numerous attempts requesting to go to a Marriage counselor.

3. I get proof that she's having an emotional affair online.

FYI (and I know it's a question) there is no history of domestic violence. I've never laid a hand on her. I've never broken anything in the house out of anger. At worse I've raised my voice.

Make an appointment with a lawyer for yourself so you can learn your legal rights. You are too emotional and a lawyer will give you important facts Dont move out as this is your house too. Don’t do anything without legal advise.

If her child is not yours and you did not legally adopt her child then I don’t believe you will be expected to provide for this child. As I mentioned it’s very important to sit with a lawyer so you know your legal rights.

You either would have to buy each other out or sell the house and split proceeds. If you live in a no fault state, which are most states now, her affair or not wanting marriage counseling will not effect how divorce will go and how finances will be split.

I’d talk to a lawyer, first consultation is often free and ask for guidance. Don’t do anything drastic until you get legal advice

I don’t think she’d automatically get the house because she has a kid. It’s her kid. Not yours together. If she will keep the house, she’ll have to buy you out. It might not be a bad idea. You then can move on with your life in a new place.

Just talk to a lawyer and share what you want to happen. Then see what will be possible and realistic

Stay healthy and strong

Here's the problem with the advice I've been getting (from a lot of sources) about getting out and doing things. I was invited to a poker tournament last night. I went, even met another friend there, but I just felt out of place. Everyone was laughing and joking and I just couldn't get into it. I was clumsy and embarrassed myself a few times. I felt I was giving downer vibes to everyone there who were trying to have fun. I played horrible and couldn't wait to get out of there. I know (objectively) it should have been something I enjoyed, but I didn't.

Is it too early for me to be doing the "get out" thing? Or should I power through it? I want to go into hermit mode but I also don't want to be stuck there too long. Do I shell up until I feel good enough to get out? Feels like a damned if you do damned if you don't problem.

There are no rules. If you feel uncomfortable socializing, then don’t push yourself. If it feels good, then go for it. Just do what feels right .

I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
I think maybe it’s too soon for you to be getting out to socialise - not saying you can’t, obviously, but it does sound like you’re experiencing a lot of emotional upheaval and stress right now, which would have made it difficult for you to be fully “present” at the tournament. It might be better to focus on what needs to be done right now, practice good self care in the meantime and just do your best to hang in there.
Also, I wouldn’t recommend marriage or couples counselling if infidelity (or, speaking more generally here, any kind of abuse) has taken place. Most cheaters seem to weaponise the concepts and turn things back on you - some therapists even end up on the side of the person who cheated, too, which just makes things worse for the faithful spouse.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BetrayedGamer I worry about a fight for the house. She's told me she wants to agree to a settlement outside of lawyers, but I want to be prepared. Does any of this matter when the house becomes a fight: 1. She has a kid, I just have dogs. 2. The divorce is 100percent her choice. She has refused to work on things, and has refused numerous attempts requesting to go to a Marriage counselor. 3. I get proof that she's having an emotional affair online. FYI (and I know it's a question) there is no history of domestic violence. I've never laid a hand on her. I've never broken anything in the house out of anger. At worse I've raised my voice.

If you really think it’s that close to the end you need a lawyer. I don’t care what she says about being fair and keeping lawyers out of it many times the other person in a marriage says that and then they hire their own lawyer and screw you over anyway

Do you think it’s possible she’s addicted to online/outside contact due to her gaming addiction? Sometimes we can take some things out of an online relationship and turn it into a romantic fantasy that has no basis in reality.

Is this an online affair? Is it an emotional affair? Or is it a weird friendship?
Who’s house is it? Are you both on the mortgage or rental agreement?
How are the finances divided? Do you both contribute equally? Or does one person carry the financial burden more ?

Dealing with Covid has been hard on so many relationships. It's forced people to stay more confined and hense constantly kept in contact with a partner and even a child. This has created alot of cabin fever feelings in many families. We all NEED our sense of personal space and when that doesn't happen we can all get grumpy and stir crazy. There is such a thing as TOO MUCH together time. Truth is, it can get to feeling like someone else is constantly hovering and NO ONE likes that.

From what you have shared, it sounds like your wife feels suffocated by both you and her child. So, she is distancing in whatever way she can get the feeling of distance. There really isn't anything wrong with her wanting to keep playing that game even when you get bored with it. And, if she plays through the night, it could be that subconsciously that brings her more sense of space and having a chance to be alone because you and your child are sleeping. Too much of anything tends to spoil the good of whatever was so desireable.

We all love candy, but if we consume it constantly, we can actually get tired of it. Honestly, it sounds like you are taking her request for needing space as a rejection. That isn't always what it really means. The internet has become a form of escape for a lot of people right now because of the confinement due to Covid. I suppose it can become a bit of an addiction. I remember when it used to be sitting and talking on the phone for hours, and now it's the internet and also constantly using the iphones with all the ways a person can look at different things without having to go anywhere.

As far as her 14 year old getting C's right now, this is something that MANY students are struggling with of all ages. It's actually becoming a mental health problem for literally millions of children and teens. We were designed to socialize and move around, NOT, be sedentary. And giving a partner space isn't about being rejected, it's about allowing that other person to have their own personal time and space which is something we all need. Some may need it more than others. And just because she discovered this younger guy and played gaming with him and talks to him, it doesn't always mean she is having an affair.

Needing space has a lot more to do with maintaining one's sense of self. When we are constantly couped up with the same person it can literally cause one to actually lose that sense of self. So, you got bored with the gaming and you wanted to stop playing, that really doesn't mean your wife has to stop. She has a right to keep playing if she wants to, and even see if she can get better at playing the game. This doesn't mean you are being rejected if she doesn't give you all HER time. You don't "own" her and she isn't there to constantly service your needs. She does deserve to have needs of her own.

Yeah nice post Open Eyes, but you are wrong on all accounts.

Watching someone you love lose themselves to addiction is heartbreaking (and yes, video gaming can be an addiction, look it up). It can be just as debilitating as someone on drugs, alcohol, or losing themseIf to Alzheimers. If it were simply a matter of needing an escape from the rest of us during the pandemic, then she could have balanced it out with the needs of her family, the needs of her husband. Instead she shut us all out, day after day, spending time in her video game with these horny guys who "make her feel important" while her daughters grades suffer, her discipline is out the window (she stopped doing all chores, her bathroom and room are disasters). I still don't know if the guy she texts about 100 times a day when she's not chatting with him are a romantic involvement or not yet. I've contacted a divorce lawyer to be prepared, yet I won't file right away as I hold out some hope. But her behavior, her emotion abandonment to both me and her daughter are NOT ok nor justified. Good try.

Very good!! That reply took you time to create and you sat with what I posted for a while before you could let me know what bothered you about what I posted.

Yes, addictions do take over a person and can pull them away from others. Addictions are an ESCAPE and all addictions form "gradually". Once a person develops an addiction it's very hard to pull them away from it too. Our brains are set up to desire "navigation" and we all learn to navigate for our survival. Our frontal lobes can get tired and we are all set up so that we develop maps in our minds that are basically on automatic. To be honest, this is why a lot of people may end up with a person that is unhealthy for them. A lot of people choose a partner not seeing some red flags and that's because there is a comfort in the FAMILIAR. Or, a person can unknowingly create a relationship that is actually unhealthy because of the "Familiar".

We all tend to get used to constant "navigating" where something is consistent. As a matter of fact now that so many are so used to navigating with these Iphones and even computers, if one of these gets lost or malfunctions, a person can get extremely upset and feel lost. These iphones have become such a distraction that many have gotten in accidents because they got distracted while driving. Truth is, these iphones have become an addiction.

That was something she was escaping from that was "too much" due to being couped up with her family constantly. At first it's a distraction from, then came the gradual addiction to. There was something about this gradual addiction that she got pleasure from, something that provided psychological "rewards" and sense of empowerment. We are ALL prone to this "unknowingly".

It's very possible that given how this pandemic has led to so much home confinement that more individuals have developed some unhealthy addictive habits. And this is due to finding an escape from the reality of the confinement itself. This has caused a lot of problems with relationships.

Yes!! It's very hard to deal with a partner that develops an addiction and that addiction becomes more important than the relationship.