Coping with Being Left.

At the start of the pandemic my spouse fell into a depression. He's a workaholic and when he suddenly had to be home he went into free fall. As the months ensued I watched him fall into a deeper and deeper depression. By August he admitted that a hot new subordinate was put on his team at work and he was fantasizing about her. We'd been married 7 years so I didn't take it very seriously. This was the first time he was attracted to someone else? That's incredible. Looking back, however, I see when he made that confession he thought that would be the end of the marriage. When I went all in to help him, he sabotaged and tore me down until by the end of the year I was having panic attacks, throwing up, and started lashing out during fights. I stayed because I was convinced the root issue was depression, not the marriage, and we were in a pandemic after all. Everyone's lives have been turned upside down. Up until November I also had a very deep fear that he might be a harm to himself. Once the Lexapro started to kick in I stopped fearing he might hurt himself, the fights were getting worse, and I knew I had to go be in a supportive environment. The weekend before Christmas I packed up the car to be with family halfway across the country. It was not the first time I left but that time he did not try to get me to come back. No word from him. In the evenings I'd log onto the security camera in the living room and listen to him on the phone with the girl from work. Phone logs indicated the morning I left he was on the phone with her for an hour, two hours that night, and about an hour every day until he switched providers. No word on Christmas. The next day I received a barrage of emails. He was setting up a new bank account to divert his checks and was systematically changing the credentials on whatever accounts would let him. I had been the money manager for years -- he hadn't signed into an account since 2013 -- so I quickly transferred half of our emergency fund to an account he didn't have access to. That night I heard him on the phone with his ex girlfriend say "You don't know HOW HARD it is to break up with someone who is doing everything they can to save the marriage." Poor guy, what a hard life. A few nights later he called -- I knew what it was about so I didn't answer -- so he texted saying he'd rented a luxury apartment and was moving the next day. When I returned home a few weeks later I found our apartment untouched. He hadn't even taken all of his clothes. He moved and bought all new furniture, even though less than 2 years prior we'd filled our apartment with new things. I didn't trust him to not throw everything out so on the 10 year anniversary of when we met I watched movers put most of our belongings in storage. I had texted several times that I would be taking what I needed and putting the rest in storage, and I truly believe he let me because I was doing the hard thing and he didn't want to bother. The next day he texted "Where is my stuff?" And that's when I decided my mother needed to be our intermediary. I suspected that he would want to get the divorce over with as soon as possible. Even now, two months later I have been able to keep from him where I'm living. He's not even sure if I'm still in the same city. So when he told my mom I needed to check the mail at our old apartment which was not yet subletted, I knew what to expect. It wasn't divorce papers, but a few days later when he said the same thing I found them on the kitchen counter with a single dead flower placed on top. The flower had been from a collection of bouquets he'd purchased for me over the years. He must have pulled it out of garbage.

I joined Bumble before even coming back to my city. Two nights before I put our belongings in storage I went on a date with a man and much to my surprise we really hit it off. That weekend we had another date and I had the best sex in a decade. For the next two months we saw each other 2-3 times a week, talked daily, and even spent the better part of a week in Mexico together. On Tuesday, however, I let it slip that when I apply to the next degree program I will not be restricting myself to this city. It needed to be said but since we had had zero conversations about feelings for each other or commitment, I wasn't even sure if it was appropriate. A few nights later after dinner we were sitting on his couch and he began asking-- did I want to get married? Have kids? What did I want with my future? Well, hun, I was just left 3 months ago. I thought this was the year we would try to start a family. I mostly fumbled over my words until he said "This is not what I want." And I get it. I'm damaged goods.

The last few nights have been brutal. I 100% believe I need to be alone right now but dating someone new buoyed my sadness and now it's a second arrow in a wound. After everything I went through with my spouse I have yet to truly miss him. He ******* tore me down and I want nothing to do with him. But you better believe the day after things ended with the new guy I missed him. He made the right choice, and it's clarified that I do in fact want this to be the last year I live in this city, but it means I'm now, finally, facing the devastation of being left.

Welcome! So Sorry for what you're going through! Thank you for sharing your story. i think divorce can be hard, perhaps especially when it's still fresh in your mind, but i do think that you can get over it. i think focusing on yourself may be a good idea but feel free to do what you see most fit. You can start dating again when you feel comfortable to, i think. No need to rush, take some small steps. Perhaps it may be a good idea to talk to a therapist as well if you can afford it. Of course there's this forum as well if you need support. Feel free to contact the admins and moderators in case you need assistance. i am also available for assistance and/or support and Hopefully others as well. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Technically Techne, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!