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Newly Joined
Member Since Mar 2021
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1
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#1
After 7 years today I didn't myself lost and drained. In 1 week I found out that my husband has a porn addiction and he has been sending his ex money. I feel like my life has been turned upside down, I feel disgusting and like I have been married to a stranger. How do you deal with the self blame?
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Open Eyes
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Member Since Oct 2020
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
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#2
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Observer82AB
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Legendary
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817
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#3
So Sorry this is happening. Have you tried to talk to your Husband about this? Please do not give up. i agree with the wise and wonderful AZ Dad 1979 on this matter at least. You have no fault for this, unless there is something you have not told us. Perhaps propose Marriage Counseling to him to him if he's willing to actually put the work into it. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Tiff0, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Member Since Mar 2021
Location: Brampton
Posts: 2
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#4
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New Member
Member Since Mar 2021
Location: Tahoe City
Posts: 3
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#5
You and he probably both did things wrong. Everyone does. Don't reflexively heap blame on yourself or on him, just try to understand what caused the situation. I'd suggest you two try to build trust by promising to start sharing and listening without condemnation. It's a slow process, but if you can both take some small steps confessing how you feel and what you need and want, you might find out that you have common ground and can repair things. Not that I'm judging him one way or the other, but he'll need A LOT of assurance from you that it'd be safe for him start opening up, that you want to love him and give him the benefit of the doubt. And you can ask that of him too... you should tell him how he made you feel but try to not be hurtful about it.
On porn: I have a different opinion than AZ Dad, I don't think porn is necessarily wrong or bad*. I mean, a lot of it is lame, but it's not sinful or anything. It's just sexually explicit entertainment. And liking it doesn't necessarily mean being addicted to it. My ex condemned it for a long time and eventually realized that her attitude was causing a lot of harm, while my occasional interest in porn was harmless at worst. Do you know what he likes to watch, and why? He might love getting your permission to watch it as a warm-up for sex with you. And, if you haven't checked it out, maybe there's some you'd like. There is some porn made with high cinematic quality and aimed at the tastes of women. Best case scenario, you two might try watching together. Maybe you'll laugh at it together, maybe you'll both get turned on. Just be sensitive. As a sex-ed teacher friend of mine says, "Don't 'yuck' someone else's 'yum'." On sending his ex money: It's actually potentially sweet and kind of him to do that. Do the agreements the two of you have permit him financial autonomy, or is he sending dollars belonging to both of you? Either way, doing it in secret seems like a big problem. You two probably need to hash it out and find some sort of common ground about why he's doing it and what the right thing to do is. Good luck! R * Disclaimer:
Possible trigger:
Last edited by bluekoi; Apr 20, 2021 at 10:13 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon. Apply trigger code. |
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Member Since Apr 2021
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 2
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#6
Don't blame yourself for other people's shortcomings. And people do grow in separate ways and directions. You are far from alone.
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