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tones_ad
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Member Since: Aug 2013
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10 yr Member
Default Apr 04, 2021 at 10:32 AM
  #1
Hello-single father here desperately looking for advice.

Been divorced for almost a decade and have been there for my children in every way. My ex has been completely controlling and manipulative with their time as it relates to trying to get me back into a relationship with her. When I've cooperated seeing my children was encouraged, and when I did not cooperate, she would send them off to their friends. Though I've been able to see my children each week, I've not had them overnight due to financial challenges and renting a room; however, in 2018 I got a better job and in 2019 I had to return to court since my ex was keeping them from me again for weeks at a time. Court could see right through her plan and advised her to come to an agreement with what we proposed or it would turn out very bad for her, therefore I did end up with weekends/Wednesdays/holidays/etc.

The issue I'm currently faced with is since going back to court, she and her family has convinced my teenage daughters (13 and almost 17 now) that I am trying to control them and make them miss out on events with their friends and mother's family, which is clearly not the case. They also convinced them I was the cause of the divorce, etc. They come over each weekend and sit in their rooms and refuse to do anything and barely speak to me unless they want food. I literally sold off my car and purchased a townhome so they'd have their own rooms. I was able to get counseling for the oldest but it was pretty clear she was just going through the motions until her mother finally stopped having her go. I recently bought my youngest a backpack from Disney whom I could tell was excited, and after a few weeks she quit bringing it with her. The oldest is about to turn 17 and asks to spend the night with a friend (which is sometimes to attend events with her mother) at least one night of each weekend visit of which I've said yes to and provided transportation. The youngest on occasion has done this as well, which I imagine will certainly increase. And I've also been flexible and allowed addition time with their mother's family during special events and occasions.

I guess my point is that none of my kindness gains me any traction in the relationship with my daughters as it's clear they are using their method to gain control and if anything the expectations are getting worse as they are asking more and more to spend the night elsewhere. They see it hurts me and take advantage of this. I feel as if I should have just said until you change your behavior, there will be no privilege's, but was advised that would backfire on our relationship. Now I am torn as to what to do... my soon to be 17 year old will probably quit coming over soon since they'll be little the courts can do, and my youngest-their mother is going to continue harassing me over trying to get her way. I literally can't make any plans with my children and they've cut me off completely. The sad part is they are destroying what once was a great relationship all because the lies they've been told.

I told my daughter since she may be 17 soon I'd be willing to talk about a modified schedule, but she didn't respond. I'm kind of at a loss right now. I'm afraid if I just let them go back to not having a schedule (which is clearly the whole plan), they'll think that what they are being told about me is true and I gave up, plus I'll never get to see them. And if I keep things the way it is, clearly nothing is changing.

Any feedback or help is appreciated.
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Default Apr 04, 2021 at 12:38 PM
  #2
So Sorry you are in this terrible situation! Unfortunately i am not sure if there is much that you can do. i'd suggest to try to have a sincere talk with them and try to make them understand that you meant no harm to them. It will be up to them whether to Believe you or not. i am So Sorry. i'd suggest to pursue individual therapy as well if you feel like that may help you. i wish i had something useful to say. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @tones_ad, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Apr 04, 2021 at 07:31 PM
  #3
Thank you for the kind reply. I guess at this point it's about at least seeing my children. I'm trying to balance the visits by letting them continue the activities while no completely surrendering our time together as to maintain hope. Thanks again.
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