Overwhelmed and anxious

My husband of 13.5 years finally told me last night he couldn’t do this anymore and wants a divorce. I wasn’t completely blindsided. He has always been insecure and needed a lot of attention and validation and I’m not great at giving it. He has cheated in some way or another throughout our marriage and he came clean about it last night. Again, not a complete surprise. He craves attention.

He has always been extremely moody and when he’s angry he’ll say anything to get the last word in and hurt you more than you hurt him. He acknowledges this. For this reason I have always avoided arguing with him. Nothing good would ever come from it. This probably made me seem like I didn’t care, but I didn’t know a better way.

We have 2 children both still at home. In the back of my mind I know this is probably what’s best for our family, but I can’t help feeling like I’m failing my children. I would have stayed in this marriage forever for them, and yes, I realize that’s not healthy either.

But how do you walk away from someone who has been that constant in your life? It’s so scary to imagine life as a single parent, not having that person there to back you up on things, let alone the financial support.

I struggle with anxiety naturally and this is just putting me in a tailspin. How do you avoid drowning in depression for the sake of your kids?”

We plan to co-parent because we both love our kids, but he’s the “fun” one and I’m the caring one. What happens when they’d rather be at his house because it’s more fun?

Thanks for allowing me to vent. I know there’s no other way to get past this than to just go through it. I just hope I’m strong enough and don’t make too many mistakes. I’d love to hear positive stories about divorce!

Dear jace7896,

I am so terribly sorry that you are in the situation you describe. How awful and heartbreaking! Reading about situations like this always makes me cry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. Wish I knew what to say to help or even just to ease your pain and grief. I think your anxiety and your feelings are totally understandable. You are such a heroic person. I hope and pray that things will somehow work themselves out for the best for you. Your children are so lucky to have you. So sorry I do not have helpful words for you. My English is not very good and I don't know how to express myself well. My heart goes out to you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Hi jace,

Good for you that you saw it coming, and it seems to me that you're saying a lot of the right things, like that this might be best for the kids.

Reading your post, it sounds like there might be some opportunity for you. Like, the kids will be with you a good bit of the time, so start being just as fun with them as your STBX. Maybe it'll bring you joy to let go of some of the parenting authoritarianism and indulge more in play. Or, now that you'll be free of the moodiness and hurtfulness, take a deep breath and enjoy the drama-free time to pursue hobbies and/or time with friends.

Not sure what'll fit for you, but I'm a couple months further along in my divorce than you and those are some of the things I've found work for me.

Good luck! You're probably at the worst point. It gets better.

R