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Paul Neil
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Default Apr 08, 2021 at 10:15 AM
  #1
Hello:

I am going through a divorce. I have two children 3 and 10. My ex and I are getting along and are trying to co parent as best we can. When I have my kids I show them all the love I can, do activities with and them and all. Just recently my oldest constantly cries for my ex. Does not want to do anything because it will just make the sadness grow for my ex. I do not know how to handle this. I my kid I love them and the response is I love you too but miss my mom. I'm concerned for my kids pain and sadness but I feel like also what am I doing wrong?

P
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Default Apr 08, 2021 at 10:47 AM
  #2
HI @Paul Neil welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry you are in a post divorce situation which can disrupt the whole family. My first reaction is they are grieving the loss of a coherent family and they may feel they do not know why their world they created in their mind of a loving family is so disrupted.

Would you consider having a therapist so you could get professional advice on how to coparent and deal with the children's sadness?

There are a bunch of articles when I search for coparenting coping with childrens sadness but I am not sure which might apply to you.

How about inventing new games and routines? Maybe there is a need to reinvent life.

I love Warren Hanson for their illustrations and thoughtful books. Raising You Alone

I came across this book whose title seemed to be applicable to your situation I Have Two Homes: A Children's Book About Divorce | Etsy

All the best to you @CANDC

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Paul Neil
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Default Apr 08, 2021 at 03:22 PM
  #3
Thank you for the response. Yes I agree with you on your first reaction. I am currently looking into therapist for this situation. Thank you for sharing the material, I will look into. Another problem is my children have already been thrown into another environment with another person and kid at times. I have expressed how extremely unhealthy that is as well. I believe my oldest may be acting that way in fear of getting replaced..as quickly as she saw her family get replaced.
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Default Apr 08, 2021 at 03:49 PM
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This seems like a very difficult situation, I think I'm about 5 minutes away from being in your situation as well. Although I have one child close to your youngest age. Please let me know how your coping with this....everyone says things like, time will heal all wounds and you will get used to the new situation, but these words don't help when your deep into it at all I feel. I hope your not blaming yourself and thinking your doing anything wrong, you seem to care a great deal. This new situation that your kids are in really is horrible. I hope there's some people out there that can at least say they made it the other side somehow and still ok.
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Default Apr 08, 2021 at 07:47 PM
  #5
It is by far one of the most difficult things I have ever dealt with. I have my good days and my good nights, then the bad ones. I have seen myself getting stronger, it does take time, there will always be scars, just don't those scars bleed on others. There are times I want to blame myself and feel like I should but that will do no good. Thanks, I really do appreciate it. I am trying my best, and a shout out to all the single parents out there, it is not an easy task. Yeah the situation my kids are in really upsets me, but I do not want them to see me like that. I am not bashing their mother one bit through this at all either. I think I will be okay one day. Surround yourself with good positive people and don't be afraid to express your emotions while going through this and keep your head up.
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Default Apr 08, 2021 at 09:20 PM
  #6
It may be that your daughter is missing her parents together. It’s important to let her know her parents are still there for her and love her and that won’t change.
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Default Apr 08, 2021 at 09:51 PM
  #7
I think it's inevitable for children to be sad if their parents separate, but that doesn't necessarily means anyone did anything wrong. Not all relationships work out and some of those are bound to have children already.

Not to say some family therapy would be a bad thing but none of what you said seems alarming or unusual to me, but negative and painful experiences are a part of life, and in the end it's not like someone died, so even if as a parent it may really hurt to see your child experiencing sadness, there's nothing inherently dangerous about it. Of course, a professional could probably help all of you manage and cope in a better way.
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Default Apr 08, 2021 at 10:21 PM
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You are right. She tells me that all time. When she sees a family on TV, she says it isn't fair, because we are not that anymore. For some reason she only tells me that though, but I assure her that we still still love her the same as we always did and always will.
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Default Apr 21, 2021 at 02:40 PM
  #9
Hi Paul,

I agree with PP Open Eyes. Just being there for her is what's important. My ex and I have two kids we are doing our best to co-parent, ages 8 & 10, through the beginning stages of our divorce. We have okay days and very bad days. We are looking for a family therapist hoping it will give us some ideas of how to cope and show we are trying our best. It's not going to be easy, hell parenting in general isn't easy, but as parents we do our best, tell them we love them and be in the moment with them as much as possible. With kids it's best to be upfront about everything as much as possible rather than ignoring it as we do with adults sometimes assuming they'll understand. Kids are figuring out the world and need us to guide them even when it's a bit foggy for us as well. My kids have been asking why can't you be together? You aren't fighting, so why can't you live together again? I don't get into the whys, but try to explain that people change and we're doing what we think is best for our family, even though we might be making our best guess and sometimes adults can make mistakes too. Ask for their input when making plans - at least the older child's - it makes them feel good when their opinion is heard. Hope this helps.
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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 08:23 AM
  #10
You may want to see if there are any children's story books that deal with a child who's parents live apart. You can sit and read them to her. Being that your daughter is only 10, she struggles to understand why her parents are not together, it's normal.
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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 10:11 AM
  #11
i agree with the wise and wonderful posters. i think it is understandable your children would find this painful and confusing. i think some family therapy, perhaps together with their mom if possible, may Help. Hopefully with time they will get used tot his and the situation will become slightly more bearable for everyone. It is a REALLY good thing that their mother is still there so that they will at least have a mother figure growing up even if not in the same house unfortunately. Try to be the best possible father you can be as i think you're already trying to be. Consider therapy. So Sorry you're in this situation but Hopefully things will then improve. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Paul Neil, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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