Remembering and hurting

It's been two years since I last saw him. Since he officially said he wanted to end things. I found out by chance (and I was blindsided to even see his name) he got remarried and I did do some research and he seems happy and it seems healthy. They are raising a child.


I'm learning a lot about myself, and I realize, as he accused "I don't realize it but my mental health is a lot more of a problem than I realize". I think there is merit to that. He is not innocent in this, and the person he married he in fact was dating while we were still trying to be together. He treated me poorly and deprived me of any sense of affection or love, or concern or care. That goes beyond just a "feeling" but deliberate, calculated actions to intentionally ice me out.

However, I look at my behavior and things and I wouldn't want to live with me either. I feel horrible for those intense crazy moments and I hate myself because he's gone and it probably is majorly my fault. I feel so much pain and remorse about it. I am glad he seems happy. I however have never been able to move on in this time. I accepted the facts as they were-- we divorced. but I don't know if I could love again. But that's for another day.

Hi @WindsThatBlow I am sorry that relationship ended in divorce. Despite what your ex says, it was not your fault. In court they often do not accept the testimony of a criminal. He was no saint. Dating another woman while you were married.

I am sorry it hurts so much. You went into this with your all and they shut the door. I am not sure what your ex was thinking but to blame you for the breakup of your marriage when he was cheating is absurd and totally unfair. Some might say he was emotionally abusive. I cannot say. You might find these articles of interest:

Gaslighting: Did your ex try to make you go mad? - Divorce Club

5 Ways to Recover From Being Cheated, Lied to, or Manipulated | Inc.com

Hope you get the support you need to come back from this disappointment
Building Confidence and Self-Esteem | Psychology Today

All the best to you. @CANDC

@CANDC

Hi there,
Thanks for your thoughtful response and articles. I know a marriage is a two-way street where both parties contribute to the family dynamic and grow and develop together the relationship. I know, intellectually, it's not all my fault, but I guess I just realize how much of it I really contributed in the recent days. No one wants to deal with someone with serious, chronic mental health issues, and he stopped loving me. I am not saying I think that's OK or even that I understand it -- I couldn't stop loving him, regardless of the situation. Things are better off this way, he is happy, and I am at least not dragging anyone down the chaos tunnel with me. I don't have much hope of it ever getting to a point that I'll open up again, at least not fully to another -- but I know things do get better with time.

Anyway, I'm not trying to debate the cause here-- I really am just wanting to say thanks for reaching out. It means a lot, especially when you feel isolated and alone to just hear someone other than yourself speak.

So Sorry about what happened! Must have been really painful! i agree with the wise and wonderful CANDC about being So Sorry for what happened and the fact that he was wrong for cheating on you. i don't know the details of what happened between you two but i still feel like saying that cheating is wrong and that it definitely can make things hard in relationships. Please do not blame yourself that much for it. i Hope things will improve for everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @WindsThatBlow, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

@MickeyCheeky Thank you for your kind words. It’s hard , but I’ll try to remember the situation and that I’m not solely the reason for our breakup. Thanks again.

Hi, @WindsThatBlow. You seem like a very thoughtful & caring person. You're happy for him because he has what he wants, & sad because you still love him. I hope so much that something wonderful will happen for you soon. Also I notice you are a new member here, so I want to say welcome to the forums & I'm very glad you've joined us. I have my fingers crossed for you!

@WindsThatBlow much of what you say resonates with me as my ex left me mainly due to my mental health issues although she too had mental health issues. She preferred to blame me for her falling out of love with me. I totally get the heartbreak and especially the remorse - and at times the grief can feel inconsolable. But never doubt that you can be fulfilled and happy - acceptance and peace is achievable, be kind to yourself. Stay in touch!