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Velouria812
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Default Apr 21, 2021 at 01:57 PM
  #1
I am new to the site/forum/online support in general, so forgive my newbie lack of knowledge on how this works. I don't know if it's better to comment on other posts, or start my own thread, so I'll try both.

I'm on here because 1) I cannot afford therapy right now, although I absolutely believe it helps in the healing process, 2) I need some unbiased ears to listen/comment, 3) I like to help others and hope to offer my support, if only as a good listener, and 4) I'm lonely.

A little bit about me...

I've been married twice; I'm going through my second divorce. The first time we did not have kids, so I found the breakup to be simpler. I was the one who left that time as well, although it was after knowing I was not happy, an emotional affair on my part, months of therapy (my own as well as attempting couples therapy), and him finally admitting he couldn't forgive me. We were fairly young, and even today I believe it was the right thing.

My relationship with my second husband began 9 months after my separation from my first. I was not ready for anything serious and wasn't even sure I should have been dating anyone yet. We met by chance and connected physically almost immediately. After just a few months, I found out I was pregnant, we committed to the relationship, moved in together, had our two beautiful children (ages 8 and 10 now), and had been married 8 years this past December. I fell in love with him over time for the father and provider he is. I also realized over time that the emotional and mental connection was missing and he couldn't provide some things I was looking for (strong family ties being one). I tried to convince myself it didn't matter and the four of us were what mattered and as I got older the rest would fade anyway. Then I met someone. We connected on all levels, although physically not right away because I knew in my heart I didn't want to hurt anyone. Once we did though the guilt consumed me. The person I met was married at the time and I pulled away and asked him to deal with his own troubled marriage. A few months after we parted ways the world went in to lockdown for COVID, my depression and anxiety worsened, and I had a mental breakdown. My husband and I grew even further apart somehow while being around each other all day. In the summer of 2020 I told him I wanted a divorce and he said he'd try anything to keep us together. There was never any abuse, mental, physical, drugs or alcohol. All I can say is the connection was missing for me. He's had issues dealing with the type of work he does and it definitely had an affect on our family, but I can't say that it would have changed anything if he had dealt with it differently. It's hard to hear when someone tells you that you are their best friend, but you never felt that connection with them. I feel guilty being the one to leave, having cheated to realize it wasn't right to just pretend, but knowing he's better off without me, and that our kids deserve to see their parents happy whatever that may mean in the future.

I moved out almost 2 months ago now. We are currently co-parenting and our uncontested divorce is in process. I'm struggling with forgiving myself, trying to explain to my kids as they go through bouts of uncertainty, confusion and sadness, and offering up explanations to anyone who asks because it "wasn't something terrible" that ended our marriage.

Just need someone to talk to. All the divorce books seem to be from the perspective of the person that was left, not the one who left. I know it will seem selfish to some, but I'm struggling to get through each day.
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Smile Apr 22, 2021 at 12:45 PM
  #2
Welcome to MSF, Velouria. I don't think there is a lot I can offer with regard to your situation. But I noticed you had yet to receive a reply to this thread. So I thought I would write one. Hopefully there will be more to follow.

I presume you've looked into possible options for free or income-adjusted counseling services. A group therapy situation might be an alternative if something like that were available where you live. The pain of divorce is something that stick with you for many, many years even when you know it was the right thing to do. So it's important (IMHO) to work through whatever feelings you have regarding your experience.

You mentioned not being certain if it would be better to comment on other members' threads or start your own. I think it's important to do both, as you have done. Sometimes it can take a while to become established here. But if you keep posting (both replies to other members' posts as well as your own threads) you'll gradually become known. And, if you stick with it, there's a lot of support that can be available here. My best wishes to you...
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Thanks for this!
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butterflytoe
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Default Apr 25, 2021 at 08:52 AM
  #3
Hi Velouria,
I, too, am new to this group. I have divorced 3 times and each time it was me who left. I keep thinking maybe I should seek counseling, but every time I start the process I don't follow through. I am sorry about what you are dealing with. I also have difficulty with friendships and often find myself wanting to just be home by myself, even though that gets lonely at times. Maybe because I'm ashamed of what a wasted life I have led.
Anyway, I don't want to bog you down with my troubles but I did want to offer up myself as someone you could talk to
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Shameley
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Default Apr 27, 2021 at 12:16 PM
  #4
I totally relate. Was married 15 years. It was a nightmare at times. Never connected mentally, emotionally, intellectually or physically. Was with him since I was 15 married at 19 only person I'd ever been with. I didn't even recognize a lot of the mental, emotional and sexual abuse because I just assumed it was normal. We have two kids. I met a guy at church and he became best friends with me and my ex and kids. Fast forward 3 years and we both realized we had feelings for each other. I have never connected with someone like I do him. I ended up getting divorced and I'm still with the other guy...but I feel guilt all the time and so does the new guy...it's really complicating
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Velouria812
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Default Apr 27, 2021 at 12:34 PM
  #5
Hi butterfly,

Welcome! I'd love to chat if you want to PM me. I have seen a counselor in the past, but the main thing I get out of it is they feel I'm a perfectionist. I honestly don't think I am when it comes to men or friends for that matter. I actual appreciate differences, but just think it's important to have something in common that can help get through the tough times. Boredom in a relationship does not bode well for me. Anyway...if you ever want to talk, I'm around.

~Vel
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Jaan21
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Trig Nov 03, 2021 at 11:44 AM
  #6
HI
Can I just say how much your message meant to me.
SO MUCH of what you said resonated and mirrors my experience.

- good at being friends, but we were not good partners
-horrendous guilt for starting the process to end it.
-He wants to work it out, I just cannot see a way to do so
- None of the "obvious" get out of divorce "free" cards( physical abuse, substance abuse, infidelity etc) though emotional abuse was a thing.

First of all: statistically more women file for divorce than men, so there is that. Mostly because, I think, we tend to be more aware of the emotional fallout and get to a point where we just cannot take it any more.

I'm at that point. I walked out 2.5 yrs ago and left to go study abroad after being with him for (now) 17 yrs. ANd like what you experienced during covid I experienced while on a 1yr long "dream" (make that emotional nightmare) holiday .
I got to the point one day where I had an epiphany. I stood on a beach looking out a gorgeous view , alone (since as usual he left me to do his own thing) I realized there was 3 outcomes:
Possible trigger:


I have Crohns disease. That means strong emotion and stress is like jet fuel to my disease. I have had it for 13 years. It radically changed me and my outlook on life as I had to adapt with living with a chronic disease that causes high levels of pain. Bottom line, the fun travel loving adventure girl he married, died in an ER some years back, and who left the hospital (after weeks, where he visited infrequently and never for long) was a woman who was either going to have to radically change her life or die of this disease in 5 years max.

SO I left to retrain in Italy. He knew I was unhappy since a lot had happened and he knew it was make or break time. I also had to retrain since I could no longer do my job as is due to the disease. He supported me and tried to do what he could to change.

But the things that were unbearable to live with, he cannot change.
He's on the spectrum (I now realize) so he will never stop being OCD and controlling and emotionally incapable of supporting me when I go through hell. (like he did when I had numerous miscarriages, was in the hospital fighting for my life due to the disease or even recently with Covid- suppressed immune system made that a rough ride). He gets emotionally overwhelmed, shuts down, leaves (either physically or mentally) and thats that.

So I know I have no choice but to leave this relationship, because staying will literally amp my disease up till it kills me faster than it already is likely to.
But it doesn't change my feeling of immense guilt.

He doesnt understand what the problems are, and since I dont think he is able to change, I dont see what the benefit is of telling him.
I still love him deeply as I do a sibling or a very close friend. I dont want to hurt him. Doing so now with my decision is leaving me distraught.

I havent even told him I want a divorce. I'm still in EU and he's back in the States. When I broach the topic of coming back and having a very necessary talk he says only if its good news.
So... what??? I end a 17 yr relationship on the phone? He wont even do zoom if he says its only bad news. I cannot reconcile the idea of ending what is almost half my life with a Whatsapp call. Even if doing so would make it really much safer for me (I'm not sure how he will take it- he has become volatile in the past. He also has controlled me financially for years since everything is joint and he allows me minimal access so he could cancel my cards and then I couldn't even get a Uber.) Plus travel during covid with a weak immune system is dodgy at best.

I'm in the dark, drowning in guilt for hurting him and all I know is I feel a burning sense to try and do this right. Treat him with dignity and respect by talking this out face to face.

Just dont know how to handle this...
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