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Travelgurl
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Default May 25, 2021 at 10:25 PM
  #1
After 32 years of marriage I found out 8 weeks ago that my husband has been having an affair for the past 4-5 years. Other than a decreased level of activity in the bedroom which I attributed to aging and long term partnership there were no other signs. And in the past 2 -3 years I asked several times about his feelings about what was declining sexually and stated my love and commitment and willingness to work on it and was reassured that all was ok. I had him leave the home immediately and we are in the process of divorce. I can’t describe the shock and the pain over the loss but even more so the betrayal. In the past 8 weeks he has continued with his affair partner while we have been trying to process what has happened. We have 4 adult children who are devastated. 3 of them are not speaking to him. He has been saying he loves me and I am his best friend and he wants to have some sort of relationship with me even if just friends. I asked him to stop with his affair partner but really am disappointed I even had to ask. He agreed but who would ever know if he is keeping his word as he lied and deceived me so effortlessly for so long, and so successfully. I fully intend to go through with the divorce and have made this clear. I feel crazy for even having anything to do with him, but also can’t imagine my world without him having some part in it. Any advice or guidance or similar experience?
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Wakingnightmare
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Default May 25, 2021 at 11:23 PM
  #2
You are not crazy for still speaking with him, He was your partner and best friend for decades. My husband cheated on me and I am divorcing him as well. It's a sad and lonely time and all you want to do is turn to your best friend, but you remember that it was this person who caused all of this pain. I hope that this forum helps both of us through yhis confusing and heart wrenching time.
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Travelgurl
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Default May 27, 2021 at 10:26 PM
  #3
Thank you for the reply. Sorry you are going through a similar experience. It is so confusing and painful. We will both be in a different, and hopefully better, place this time next year.
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BigBubba
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Default May 28, 2021 at 04:37 AM
  #4
I dunno if it's gonna help with the pain, but this kind of things have been known to happen ALL THE TIME. It's just most people never find out, living in a bubble their whole lives. At least you have the full, real picture of the situation. Best of luck to you.
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MickeyCheeky
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Default May 28, 2021 at 08:27 AM
  #5
So Sorry this is happening! Please Do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that you're not crazy for still talking to him, i'd say quite the opposite in fact! Have you tried to suggest couple counseling to him perhaps? i imagine it can be hard to get through this. Hugs. i Hope things will improve and will be solved soon. Please do keep us updated if you want to. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Travelgurl, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Open Eyes
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Default May 28, 2021 at 09:21 AM
  #6
I am so sorry you find yourself dealing with this challenge. We all have a tendency of developing a sense of another person in our world and it is a shock when we find out the person isn’t what we thought. This can happen in all different kinds of relationships.

We all are designed to navigate and also find our place amongst others because humans are designed to thrive in groups. We all have a tendency to project and fit others into places we desire so we experience a sense of comfort as we go about navigating our lives.

When we experience behavior in another person that is different then how we set them up in our orbit it can affect how we feel and sense of structure in how we were so used to navigating.

In your situation you developed a sense of your husband and your children also developed that as well. So discovering your husband wasn’t what you thought is a genuine shock. It’s normal miss what you thought you had. It’s normal to feel a loss of a presence you thought was a best friend too. It’s normal to feel lost. And yes it’s normal to feel betrayed too.

It’s normal also to want some of what was there that one navigated around. Even the children struggle with that challenge. It’s normal to feel alone and lost when an important relationship presents something very unexpected like what you have shared. Even feeling shame in “how did I not see this?” It isn’t just trust in someone else but also in self too. Oh yes and that bigger question of “how do I navigate now?”

Well your is the same person but now you see a side to him you did not know. It’s not your fault. You were busy being a mother and navigating your life and he knew how to work around that so you would not know about his other life. He was doing the same thing with this other woman. He never gave all of himself to either of you. He was cheating both of you and his children. He is a cheater and prone to being selfish. Obviously there is something missing in him. Sometimes it revolves around the person’s need for attention that often is threatened when a woman has children. A jealous can develop due to not having all the attention and suddenly having to share. It can be a strange left out feeling that is deep in the individual that makes that individual vulnerable to straying. The lack is in that individual and not something you can change.

Lots of women have dealt with this challenge in one form or another. It’s not necessarily another woman but some other passion. Like the men who left their wives while they went to sea or the war or business travels or political ventures.

This won’t change in him either. Even if he and you divorce and he is with this other woman he will still be this type of man and do the same with her too. It’s how he navigates.
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