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jnc1
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Member Since: Jun 2021
Location: ontario
Posts: 2
2 yr Member
Default Jun 15, 2021 at 08:44 AM
  #1
Hi.
So sick of bugging family and friends about this. They don't really understand anyway since none of them are divorced or separated.

I'm just really feeling down and low. I have been separated since the end of 2019. The whole marriage was hard for me - I loved my husband but I never felt that he was all in. Never. He always felt like he was not fully committed. Before we got married, He told me a couple of pretty big lies. When I suspected he was lying, he told me I was paranoid, searching articles to prove to me that I was obviously paranoid and dysfunctional. I was totally correct and he eventually admitted these lies to me (when I left him no room to hide them any more). Still, even though he had been found out, He still made it to be my issue. Just before we got married he admitted to another thing he had been hiding from me, one that I specifically addressed right when we started dating. I wasn't sure I should marry him at that point but I did.

When we got married, he held back completely. I felt so insecure I didn't know what to do. I was always asking him why he was hiding certain things or why he wouldn't make any plans for us. Why it was so difficult to maintain intimacy between us.

I could never be comfortable. I was always thinking about what I could do to draw him in. Never could. I would ask if I should stay or go because I don't feel like he was into the marriage. He told me that I should trust whatever feelings I have. So I left. Then came back. Then left. Then came back. Only once did he try to explain himself to me. He wouldn't give me reassurance of his feelings, and kept putting the responsibility on me to feel better. I know it was flaky of me to leave but when you are feeling around in the dark and somebody refuses to turn on the light, it feels scary. Like why won't you turn on a light?

I felt on edge all the time. Rejected in every way. Arguments abounded, always with me apologizing for yelling or an outburst or something. I couldn't take things one at a time. I didn't feel I had a foundation. I was crying all the time went to counselling, tried everything I could to figure out how to navigate the marriage.

It just got worse and worse until finally it imploded. I left for good. He made a lukewarm attempt to reconcile - not really but sort of insinuated.
I could not trust that. It felt like too little too late. No reflecting on his behaviour, just hammering in my transgressions. He knows I would never even have an issue if he admitted he wasn't perfect and asked to try again with both of us working on our issues. That never happened. It was all on me. I have never avoided admitting to my mistakes, I have always explained my feelings and where my behaviours were coming from. I'm not perfect. But my intentions in our marriage were always clear. Even now if he were to come to me and say, you know, I wasn't perfect. Maybe I didn't do this and I should have. I would go back! But of course he hasn't done that.

Now it is just a dragging separation. We have a young son and I knew I couldn't stay there if things were the same way - I don't want him growing up in a bad situation. I thought that if there was some distance there could be some perspective.

Never happened.

I am just really sad. I have been ok for a long time, but sometimes it hits me and I feel horrible. I don't know how to pull myself out without a lot of help from others. I can get my work done, take great care of my son. exercise cook keep my home together. I have bought a house, so I can get things done.
I just feel so terribly sad and hopeless. I can't stop thinking that there was some key that I could have turned that would have fixed everything.
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Yaowen
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Default Jun 15, 2021 at 12:27 PM
  #2
Dear jnc1,

I think your feelings are completely understandable. If I was in your place I would be thinking and feeling the same things. Wish I knew what to say that would help, but I lack wisdom. Sure hope your life gets better. It is heartbreaking that you are suffering so!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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