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soulsearch2021
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Default Jun 15, 2021 at 01:14 PM
  #1
My husband and I are separated. Married 25 years. He was not happy and decided to move out. We have worked on things, but nothing has helped. He is also a victim of childhood trauma, sexual, physical and mental abuse. That causes a lifetime of scars.
He developed an emotional affair with a coworker about 18 months ago. Although he claims nothing physical ever happened, he is still very much connected to her. As he has told me the emotional affair was not what caused the issues in our marriage. The issues were there before the emotional affair. I agree, but what he cannot/will not see is that as long as he is continuing his involvement emotionally with this coworker, there is no way for us to try and heal our relationship. Couples therapy did not help especially since he lied about still being involved with her.
She has been going through a divorce as well. That started about 8 months ago and she is still not divorced, but the timing is suspicious.
I truly want to try any last ditch effort to save our marriage, but can't seem to get him to understand his attachment to this other woman will not help.
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Yaowen
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Default Jun 16, 2021 at 10:45 AM
  #2
Dear soulsearch2021,

I'm so sorry you are in this unhappy situation. So heartbreaking! Wish I knew what to say to help.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Jun 16, 2021 at 11:13 AM
  #3
I’m not trying to be harsh or mean, I know you’re hurting, but I don’t think he wants to save it. It’s not that he doesn’t understand - you’re making yourself perfectly clear to him - he just doesn’t agree that his behaviour is a problem. I’m so sorry.
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Default Jul 07, 2021 at 02:26 AM
  #4
I'm sorry for the pain of your circumstances. You are a woman of great love and commitment to have been trying so hard to save this marriage. Maybe things have changed since you posted above.

My suspicion is that your husband is being used by this female co-worker. Some people who have an early history of being abused are vulnerable to being used and manipulated later in life. Unfortunately, he may be the last person to see through what's really going on with this co-worker. You sound like a nice person who really cares for this man. She knows that he has a wife, but got entangled with him nonetheless. I'ld be willing to bet a dollar that she is not as nice and caring as you are.

Maybe it's good that he is moved out, while this relationship he's in continues. If you have the patience to wait it out, his connection to her may eventually collapse. But, as you correctly say, he can't work on his marriage to you and be involved with her at the same time.

Your husband is an unhappy man, and I don't think it has a lot to do with him not finding the right woman to be married to, or involved with. He's got deep, internal wounds that he never figured out how to recover from. This Jezebel is probably clever at distracting him from the pain he carries inside. For now this feels good to him and allows him to avoid dealing with his issues. She's new. Novelty may feel like a kind of refuge to him . . . like he can get a fresh start. That's all a delusion. The dirty, old baggage in the attic of his mind is still there. He can't reinvent who he is just by changing women.

Maybe the fantasy he's living in will wear thin, and he'll return to where he was actually loved. Or he may just keep chasing fantasy. Only you can decide how long you can wait. He may not be capable of joining you in a sincere effort to remake this marriage. At some point, you may have to decide to cut your loses and let go of the marriage. Should the two of you part on a permanent basis, I have more hope for you finding some measure of happiness than I have for him.
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SuddenlySingle
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Default Jul 19, 2021 at 01:54 PM
  #5
I am very sorry that you are in this situation. I agree with you that he has to be honest about his emotional affair and has to be willing to break it off completely with her, if your marriage stands even a chance. Just make sure that:
1. if he does that, you will be able to trust him again. Because as you know no relationship can work without trust.
2. he also wants your marriage to work. There's no point getting into the ring if you are the only one fighting.
I truly wish you the very best and hope you two can work things out.
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