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sarcgeo
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Default Jun 21, 2021 at 12:24 PM
  #1
It has been a long time since I posted, but I need to get some things off my chest. It has been almost 2 years now, still no divorce papers yet. Trying to pay off bills and can't afford $5,000 retainer fees. Into the abyss of misery and bitterness I go. I still have bitterness in my mouth from the day that she told she wanted to leave. It is an irony that it takes two to marry, yet only one to divorce. I begged, pleaded, did everything imaginable to save our marriage. Sadly, she already was checked out and determined to leave me.

My ex and I have a daughter, whom is 8. She has had a very, very hard time coming to terms with mommy and daddy not being together. Well, I come to find out on father's day, that my ex has a new "friend". My daughter then asks me if she has two daddies and it ripped my heart apart. Adding fuel to the fire, my little unicorn tells me that her mommy brought her over to the man's house. It made me feel very bitter, distressed, and worried for my little girl. Being at another man's house without me knowing and having to hear it from her. I got very upset and texted mom that our daughter filled me on these details. Ex got very defensive and said that it was none of my business and that I was exaggerating the situation and that their relationship is only one of friendship. Yet, all I could think was about the look on my daughter's face when she asked me, "Do I have two daddies?" My ex likes to hide things from me. In fact, it was recommended that our daughter be held back in second grade, but my ex decided that our daughter should go to third grade. Again, I have to repeat, I cannot retain a lawyer and just dog paddling to stay afloat in this vicious whirlpool.

I called a "help" line that night. The "therapist" told me that I need to accept this reality of divorce and to guide my daughter that the decision to divorce was made jointly. What a disgrace! SHE WANTED TO LEAVE ME, I said to the therapist. How can I tell my daughter that we both made the decision? I do not condone lying at all, perhaps a white lie now and then is ok. I walk a very cautious line with respect to our daughter and NEVER try to talk down about her mother. But, I assure you, when our daughter is old enough, she will learn that mommy is the one who gave up on us and not me. This "therapist" told me that I had to tell my daughter this web of lies and deceit and perpetuate this myth. Just because my ex wanted the easy way out, I don't want to lie to my daughter. But, I guess I have to for the sake of my daughter's sanity. But no one seems to give two iotas about me being asked that question by my daughter on Father's Day! No one seemed to care and once again I am forced to swallow this deceit.

In my opinion, this whole best for the kids part is all a crock of s$#$. Because, thanks to my exes blind eye and her hunger for intimacy, she decides it is best to have our daughter meet this "friend". Now, our daughter is thoroughly confused, having to see someone whom I don't know and am very concerned about. Someone whom my daughter kept mentioning during my custody time. The worst of all--I have to play pretend with my daughter and make believe that everything is ok, while my soul rots away. My principles of integrity vanishing for the sake of "truth" in this wretched twist of reality.

--sarc

Just venting here and divorce sucks PERIOD!
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Default Jun 22, 2021 at 10:28 PM
  #2
It’s understandable that you do not want to lie to your child. Please understand that at her age there is no way she has the ability to understand why her mom and dad are divorcing

Just keep telling her that the change has nothing to do with her and that she will still have a mom and dad that love her.
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Default Jun 22, 2021 at 11:22 PM
  #3
I asked my ex husband to leave when our daughter was 4.5 due to employment and mental illness and substance abuse issues . My daughter eventually got it. I didn’t get into another relationship until she was almost 13. I tried briefly dating someone when she was 9 and it didn’t work out. There’s a lot to say about this. I hope you’re getting lots of help and support . Feel free to message me if you want to speak more privately . This is a loaded subject and can get volatile .
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Default Jun 23, 2021 at 02:53 AM
  #4
I disagree with that therapist - you don’t have to lie to your daughter. Could you perhaps find an age appropriate way to explain what is going on to her? I’m so sorry you’re going through all this, though. Keep being the sane parent who has your daughter’s best interests at heart, hopefully as she grows up she will realise who was there for her.
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Default Jun 23, 2021 at 06:37 AM
  #5
So Sorry for what is going on! Please Do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that you don't have to lie to your daughter. Just try to explain it the best possible way you can and remind her that it's not her fault any of this is happening. Unfortunately it seems like your wife/ex-wife has already decided where she stands. Have you already tried to propose Marriage counseling to her in the past? i suppose it is a bit late for that right now but i may be wrong. Please try to do what you can to keep going. God Bless you and your Family Well. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @sarcgeo, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Last edited by MickeyCheeky; Jun 23, 2021 at 10:33 AM.. Reason: originally sent at 13.35; capital S on Safe in second to last sentence
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Default Jun 23, 2021 at 07:20 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by RoxanneToto View Post
I disagree with that therapist - you don’t have to lie to your daughter. Could you perhaps find an age appropriate way to explain what is going on to her? I’m so sorry you’re going through all this, though. Keep being the sane parent who has your daughter’s best interests at heart, hopefully as she grows up she will realise who was there for her.
I agree with RoxanneToto.

I don't understand the legal process of divorce. Still, it puzzles me that you need to come up with $5,000 as a retainer, given that you don't want to get a divorce.
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Default Jun 24, 2021 at 12:27 PM
  #7
First, thank you all for your wonderful responses and support!

Bill3, from what I understand, to retain an attorney, you usually need to pay what is called a retainer. I think it works like a down payment. In family law, I contacted about 10 attorneys in my area and the average retainer was about $5k. My ex wife is the one that wants the divorce, but I am the one that has to front the money to pay for it, since she claims to not have money.

The reason for needing an attorney is to have a good parenting plan written up. Some people have shared resources with me and I appreciate that.

Once again,

Thanks...

--Sarc
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Default Jun 24, 2021 at 12:54 PM
  #8
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I agree that no matter who wants the divorce, you need legal representation to protect yourself and ensure a fair custody agreement.

It also really sucks that she is introducing her to some guy that she does not seem to know too well. Most single/separated parents I know take a lot of time to get to know someone before introducing them to their children.
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Default Jun 24, 2021 at 02:11 PM
  #9
I am going through a similar process. No kids involved but after 30 years she left me and I have to clean it up. It doesn't seem fair that one person can initiate the process but not be responsible for it? I rrefuse to pay an attorney and am navigating the complicated world of family law alone.
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