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Cleco
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Default Jul 01, 2021 at 01:50 AM
  #1
My wife has no idea I want a divorce, despite so many signs that this relationship is not healthy and not working. Our relationship has faded to a state more like roommates and coparents. There is almost no fighting, but there is no intimacy, on any level. We are like coworkers who get along fine, but have no interest in each other. I’ll spare you the details of our 20+ year story and why we are together, but I am certain that we are not meant to be together.

That being said, I have no idea how to break this to her. We do Not talk about us. We only talk about superficial things like work and about parenting our kids (9 and 13). Because we rarely fight, this will seem to come out of nowhere to her, despite so many signs for so many years. We pretty much already live separate lives, but my wife is ok with things as they are. I am not. I want more and I honestly want more for her. I want to be happy and I want her to be happy, but I do not have more to give to her.

I do not want to hurt her any more than necessary so I am looking for advice on how much to tell her. I have never gotten over a previous relationship that ended 30 years ago. I still have feelings for that woman and plan to connect with her down the line to find closure. To be clear, I’m not leaving my wife to get back with my ex, we are not in contact and I have no idea if she still cares for me, and whether or not she does I will be ok. What I do know is that I don’t love my wife and I know now that what I once did feel for her was not true love. The relationship was founded on fear, confusion and loneliness and cannot stand any longer.

How much do I tell my wife when this conversation inevitably happens? Do I let her know that I now understand that I don't love her and never really did in the way that I need to feel for my partner? Do I tell her I now understand that I settled for her because I didn’t think I would ever know that other kind of love again? Do I tell her I still have feelings for my ex and plan to get closure one way or another? Is total honesty the best policy? Do I owe her the truth of why I am ending our marriage or do I try to soften the blow by leaving out certain harsh details? At the same time I don’t want to give her false hope that things can be worked out, or have her blaming herself and thinking that it could have worked if only she had done this differently or I had done that differently.

Advice?
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Smile Jul 01, 2021 at 12:15 PM
  #2
Hello Cleco: I know you're here seeking advice regarding your divorce plans and I'm going to leave that to other members. But I noticed this is your first post so I thought I would at least welcome you to MSF. I hope you find the forums to be of benefit.
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Usedtobe
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Default Jul 02, 2021 at 08:30 PM
  #3
Have you thought about trying to rekindle your love instead of walking away. There are more options. Try to fall back in love with your wife. Get a huge E FOR EFFORT.
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Rose76
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Default Jul 08, 2021 at 03:37 PM
  #4
Before saying anything to her, you might want to have a sit-down with an attorney to learn the nuts and bolts of how a divorce would be structured. Those two kids still have to be provided for. Have you thought about how your finances will be affected when you have to pay child support and set up a second household for yourself?

Sometimes a couple stays married "for the sake of the kids." It became fashionable for people to say that kids don't benefit from parents staying in a sham marriage. They have a point. But ask yourself what, exactly, will your life be like, if you leave. There is no guarantee you'll find someone to fall in love with again. I think your thoughts about a love from 30 years ago amount to a fantasy. You might consider going for counseling to develop a clearer sense of what your options are, realistically. I think the counseling might work best, if you went alone.
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Default Jul 10, 2021 at 04:16 AM
  #5
Hi @Cleco, welcome to MSF.

Hopefully it felt a little better to have a place to sit and write out all that you shared. Marriages can hit a phase like this where a couple can get so involved with work and raising children that the couple can drift apart very much like you described in what you shared.

IMO I think that you should hold off on saying anything to your wife and instead sit and talk things out with a therapist. The reason I am suggesting this is it’s important that you figure out what is going on with yourself first before saying anything to your wife that you can end up deeply regretting.

As far as that old girlfriend from so many years ago? She is not the same person and neither are you. It’s more important you figure out what is missing in you personally that can help you find some closure. It’s very common to get to an age where a person looks for something that feeds their ego and this can become a time when people stray and end up making some big mistakes.

Maybe it’s more that you don’t love where you are right now and it’s not your wife. It’s possible she has these same thoughts. Yet it’s a stage that’s very common so it’s best to be clear about this challenge before saying something you regret.
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Marie123
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Default Jul 10, 2021 at 06:33 AM
  #6
I think working it thru with a therapist could be helpful. I wouldn't tell her of your feelings for someone else. That would be unecessary and cruel. Focus on how you are feeling about your relationship. If there is no communication you really have no idea how she feels about anything. You could begin by asking her how she feels about the relationship.
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MickeyCheeky
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Default Jul 10, 2021 at 06:47 AM
  #7
i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about considering whether or not you want to truly end your marriage here. i think counseling or couple counseling may prove Helpful as well even if you reach the same conclusion. At least you will have some clarity i think. Hugs. i Hope things will tunr out Ok for everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Cleco, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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LostInAllThis
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Default Jul 13, 2021 at 06:53 AM
  #8
Hi @Cleco,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad that so many qualified people have suggested that you explore an outside source of assistance (counseling and therapy). As someone who is on the opposite side of this equation (my wife has been secretly planning a divorce) I see the importance of exploring the possibility that there is something inside yourself that can be addressed first. With children involved I believe that it is important to explore every avenue of healing before bringing your relationship to an end.

I also want to say that I see the importance of being direct and honest with your spouse. I am not saying to jump right to telling her you want to leave, but perhaps you broach the subject by expressing how you have been feeling and that you would like to seek outside assistance.

I know how hard this time can be. Thank you again for sharing your story and good luck.

.
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systemRAT
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Default Jul 26, 2021 at 06:32 PM
  #9
@Cleco

I felt the same way as you for a very long time during my marriage. We are now separating, and although my predicament is a lot less complicated, I do feel that if I walked away earlier we would not be in such a messy situation that we are currently.
But then again, each person walks his own path. No two relationships are the same, so good luck and I hope it works out well in the end.
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