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Maggiesmimi
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Default Jul 06, 2021 at 11:01 PM
  #1
I tried for 5 years to get my husband to chose our family and not the booze. 26 year marriage, 30 total…Finally last year I decided I was done after he quit his job and packed a uhaul back to his parents house. 1 year later we are finally divorced.
I feel great now that I’m done being on the rollercoaster of his drinking, but I am having trouble with 2 things
1. The lies and drinking continue, 2/3 kids live with me (they are all out of school), how do I parent and not be angry he chose not to be around
2. 3 weeks the divorce is final and he is already “in a relationship “. How do I support my kids when they are angry about his decision and how do I deal with him not being able to pick us, but can spend his time and energy on someone new?
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Smile Jul 07, 2021 at 12:23 PM
  #2
Hello Maggiesmimi: I'm not going to be able to be of help with regard to your concerns. But I noticed this is your first post here on MSF. So I thought I would at least welcome you to the forums. I hope you find being here to be of benefit.
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RoxanneToto
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Default Jul 07, 2021 at 01:19 PM
  #3
I’m wondering if this new person has some kind of potential “use” for your ex, perhaps as an enabler or soft place to land? I know it feels like he’s chosen them over you, but he isn’t going to have changed and become a truly better person for them, than he was with you. He would at the least have to commit to getting sober and genuinely improving himself, and that’s not going to be an overnight job.
I’m only basing this on my own experiences (adult daughter of alcoholic and seeing other relationships break down because of drinking).
I’m sorry you’re struggling, especially as you have children and it sounds like you’re doing most of, if not all the parenting work. I’m not a parent, but I know that must feel really unfair.
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Default Jul 07, 2021 at 02:21 PM
  #4
So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! i think some individual counseling may prove Helpful and explaining to your kids what happened if possible may be useful as well. Perhaps it won't be easy but give it your best try nonetheless. Hoping the absolute best for you and your Family. Hugs. Stay Safe. Stay Strong. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Maggiesmimi, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Jul 07, 2021 at 03:31 PM
  #5
It is very hard for an addict to choose something over the addiction. I quit drinking about 20 years ago and never looked back. My then girlfriend at the time gave me some of the same choices that you gave your husband. I guess we were lucky that we were not married and no kids involved.

Alcohol is very seductive and can cloud your judgment and if you choose to drink it to medicate your pain, then it becomes more sinister. That was the reason why I used to drink, to hide my pain. I understand your concern with his deceit, but as long as the bottle isn't too far from his grasp, I would continue to tread carefully. There is a lot of truth to the quote, In vino veritas....but alcohol can also hide and conceal very well.

In regards to the new "relationship"...I am about 99% certain is of an enabling nature and will end up with him being kicked down the road...I would be more concerned about his relationship with the children and let the children know the seductive nature of alcohol...

At least you're cognizant of this problem and good luck on your journey...

--Sarc
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Default Jul 08, 2021 at 03:03 PM
  #6
Hi Maggie. I'm sorry for all the grief you have to deal with. I don't see how you and the two kids who are in your home can not be angry. He turned his back on his responsibilities. Not much of a man. You had ample reason to end the marriage, when he quit his job. He's gone home to his folks to begin a second childhood.

You say he still drinks and lies. Isn't that why you divorced him. I'm confused about why you would think the drinking and lying wouldn't continue.

Your 2nd issue is his being in a new relationship. What kind of woman would want him? I doubt those two are going to build a great life together.

The kids have something to be rightfully resentful of. The upside for you and the 2 kids is that you don't have someone staggering home drunk all the time. You were on a roller coaster that you wanted off of. Those 2 kids were on that same roller coaster. The home should be a nicer place now. I lived with a problem drinker for 7 years. Then I left and was much happier alone.

You have the heavy burden of raising you kids with little help from him. That is a tough challenge. You'll do the best you can, and the kids will know who really loves them.

You all need time to adapt. Life with him gone may prove happier.
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Default Jul 18, 2021 at 09:16 PM
  #7
It’s very heartbreaking when partners choose something else over the one they vow to be with all the time. My ex was into drugs and cheated several times.
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