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4real123
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Member Since: Jul 2021
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Default Jul 10, 2021 at 09:43 AM
  #1
Hi I’m new to the site and looking for advice. My husband and I are currently separated. We have been married for twenty three years. We have no children together but blended our families. I had a daughter from previous marriage and he has two sons. All children are grown and out of the house. My husband had custody of his boys when we married, so we raised them together. My daughter’s father passed away when she was 6 so my husband is the only Dad she has truly known. During our 23 year marriage we’ve had a lot of ups and downs. My husband had problems with drug and alcohol abuse, their had been some physical abuse, mental abuse in the form of jealousy and insecurity. We both are co dependent. Although I had sought out counseling for my codependency and feel I’m in a much better frame of mind. My husband kicked the drugs and alcohol problems and did that about 7 years ago. Our relationship began to be a lot more healthy since that time. In the past we would have really bad fights and arguments. He sought counseling for his bad behavior during that time and it seemed to work. There had been numerous times I thought about leaving but never did. Above all the problems and disfunction we were each other’s best friend. We had a lot of fun together and have a healthy sex life. The last 5 years together up until this past year have been the happiest in my marriage. Something major changed. He lost his job during the pandemic and got extremely depressed. Even during that depression we weren’t fighting. I was working out and dieting preparing for our daughters wedding. I was helping with the planning of the wedding and spending a good bit of time working on myself. He began arguing with me a lot, accusing me of things that weren’t happening. I had recently got into audio books and he was resenting the amount of time I spent listening to my books. The accusations got so bad and it was happening every week that I couldn’t take it any longer. He started going to counseling again and trying to sort through his feelings. Each time we fought he would regret his accusations and knew he was wrong but he would continue to do it. Basically self sabotaging our marriage. It seemed to me that as I began to become somewhat independent of him and was afraid I would leave him so he had a fight or flight response. My husband is bipolar and does take medication for it. After our last big fight four weeks ago we both decided he needed to move out and work on himself. I was walking on eggshells because he was digging in my phone, tracking me and making my life crazy. We did agree that we would continue to stay married and work on our marriage. I wasn’t giving up on him or us. He told me that he was committed on being a better husband and working through his issues so he could be here for me. I have stuck by him through all the BS because I love him and I know a lot of his problems stem from his past trauma and childhood abuse. Well three weekends ago I went out of town with his best friend’s wife for a girls weekend at Disney World. My husband and I were suppose to take this trip ourselves but he had to work that weekend so he suggested I go with our friend. One of those nights my husband choice to go out by himself to a local bar and although I really don’t believe he cheated, a women got his phone number and texted him the next morning. He didn’t text her back. I reached out to the women who side everything was platonic but that he did tell her he was divorcing and living by himself. He swears he never told her that. He told a guy in the group he was talking to that he was going through some marriage problems. I’m not stupid and I know my husband was drinking so he may have told the women that. Regardless now I’m at a serious cross roads. He has never cheated on me but again we’ve had so many other problems. Here he is claiming he wants to get himself right but continues to make bad decisions. He should have never even been at that bar by himself. Again, sabotaging our marriage. I don’t know if he’ll ever get better and I’m tired of being hurt and let down but I’m also scared of losing my best friend. I know this post is extremely long and apologize for it. I guess I just needed to get out as much of the back story as possible. Any advice on how to move forward would be appreciated.
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Default Jul 10, 2021 at 02:34 PM
  #2
@4real123 I am sorry you have some challenges in your marriage. It does sound like it is causing an inner conflict where to go from here. I wonder if you might consider a therapist to help you navigate the "potholes". It could help clarify your own feelings and get professional help how to cope with a person with bipolar disorder in your relationship.

Bipolar disorder can be treated so someone can be stable. If someone is not getting treatment, this mood disorder can really rear its head into mania which can get someone very irritable, unable to manage money wisely, promiscuity, and sometimes even a disconnection with reality. Relying on what someone says who is suffering from mania, can be frustrating because they may say one thing and do another. Intoxicants can make mania much worse.

No one else really knows exactly what you need and only you are qualified to decide what a life changing decision should be, so getting professional help can offer the opportunity to get a trained listener and life coach that can offer you your best options for self care and a relationship.

These may be of interest. You, Me & Bipolar Disorder Makes 3: Marriage Tips | Psych Central

Bipolar Disorder and Marital Conflict: The Bipolar Marriage

9 Reasons Why Bipolar Relationships Fail and How to Overcome Them

When Saving a Marriage Is Impossible

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Rose76
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Default Jul 16, 2021 at 04:25 PM
  #3
This decision 4 weeks ago that your husband should "move out and work on himself" was, IMHO, a totally foolish decision. It just set the stage for increased alienation. Typically, you don't improve a marriage by having the spouses physically go off in different directions. There's too much good in this marriage not to make a more sensible plan for getting through this rough patch. It may be that your marriage will always be prone to a bit of turmoil now and then, but that doesn't make it a bad marriage. You both need to stop aggravating your current difficulty by flitting around with unhelpful distractions.

There's no way your husband is going to become a better partner by renting a room somewhere and subjecting himself to the loneliness of that arrangement. Of course, he's going to go out to a bar and be open to finding some company to keep. He needs to "work on himself" as a husband. That means staying at home with his wife. Wife needs to put away the audio books and nevermind running off on girly getaways. You've got an only daughter's wedding coming up. That's enough of an energy drainer. The two of you need to sit still at home with each other and be truly available to each other. Also, stop auditing each other's cell phones. If you spend more time at home together, you'll each know what the other is doing because you'll be doing it together.

You married a man who is a high-maintenance husband. That probably can't be changed. He needs what he needs, which is a woman who makes herself a dependable, reassuring presence who stays pretty close at hand, physically and psychologically. He needs you to focus more on him. Between the wedding, the books and Disneyland, your too far away from him and too distracted to be meaningfully engaged with each other. That's not how you value your "best friend."

After the wedding, you might jointly get some couple's counseling to figure out how you can have some reasonable amount of "me time," without him feeling abandoned. He sounds rather needy, but that's who he is, and you chose to marry him.

This marriage has already weathered some tough challenges, for which I congratulate you both. Build on that, and I think you'll be very glad you did. Start by sleeping in the same bed every night, at least till after the wedding and some therapy together.
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Default Jul 17, 2021 at 12:10 AM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4real123 View Post
Hi I’m new to the site and looking for advice. My husband and I are currently separated. We have been married for twenty three years. We have no children together but blended our families. I had a daughter from previous marriage and he has two sons. All children are grown and out of the house. My husband had custody of his boys when we married, so we raised them together. My daughter’s father passed away when she was 6 so my husband is the only Dad she has truly known. During our 23 year marriage we’ve had a lot of ups and downs. My husband had problems with drug and alcohol abuse, their had been some physical abuse, mental abuse in the form of jealousy and insecurity. We both are co dependent. Although I had sought out counseling for my codependency and feel I’m in a much better frame of mind. My husband kicked the drugs and alcohol problems and did that about 7 years ago. Our relationship began to be a lot more healthy since that time. In the past we would have really bad fights and arguments. He sought counseling for his bad behavior during that time and it seemed to work. There had been numerous times I thought about leaving but never did. Above all the problems and disfunction we were each other’s best friend. We had a lot of fun together and have a healthy sex life. The last 5 years together up until this past year have been the happiest in my marriage. Something major changed. He lost his job during the pandemic and got extremely depressed. Even during that depression we weren’t fighting. I was working out and dieting preparing for our daughters wedding. I was helping with the planning of the wedding and spending a good bit of time working on myself. He began arguing with me a lot, accusing me of things that weren’t happening. I had recently got into audio books and he was resenting the amount of time I spent listening to my books. The accusations got so bad and it was happening every week that I couldn’t take it any longer. He started going to counseling again and trying to sort through his feelings. Each time we fought he would regret his accusations and knew he was wrong but he would continue to do it. Basically self sabotaging our marriage. It seemed to me that as I began to become somewhat independent of him and was afraid I would leave him so he had a fight or flight response. My husband is bipolar and does take medication for it. After our last big fight four weeks ago we both decided he needed to move out and work on himself. I was walking on eggshells because he was digging in my phone, tracking me and making my life crazy. We did agree that we would continue to stay married and work on our marriage. I wasn’t giving up on him or us. He told me that he was committed on being a better husband and working through his issues so he could be here for me. I have stuck by him through all the BS because I love him and I know a lot of his problems stem from his past trauma and childhood abuse. Well three weekends ago I went out of town with his best friend’s wife for a girls weekend at Disney World. My husband and I were suppose to take this trip ourselves but he had to work that weekend so he suggested I go with our friend. One of those nights my husband choice to go out by himself to a local bar and although I really don’t believe he cheated, a women got his phone number and texted him the next morning. He didn’t text her back. I reached out to the women who side everything was platonic but that he did tell her he was divorcing and living by himself. He swears he never told her that. He told a guy in the group he was talking to that he was going through some marriage problems. I’m not stupid and I know my husband was drinking so he may have told the women that. Regardless now I’m at a serious cross roads. He has never cheated on me but again we’ve had so many other problems. Here he is claiming he wants to get himself right but continues to make bad decisions. He should have never even been at that bar by himself. Again, sabotaging our marriage. I don’t know if he’ll ever get better and I’m tired of being hurt and let down but I’m also scared of losing my best friend. I know this post is extremely long and apologize for it. I guess I just needed to get out as much of the back story as possible. Any advice on how to move forward would be appreciated.

Hello and welcome.
Have you ever heard of al-anon or the term codependency?
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mynewlife76
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Default Jul 26, 2021 at 04:08 PM
  #5
Hey there!
I can appreciate your story & all the effort you have put into your marriage. I don’t agree with you staying together, not saying divorce- saying time apart.
I believe you made the right decision for yourself and your mental well-being by separating. You can’t fix him & you can’t be accountable for his behavior (as I’m sure you know this). Continuing to stay in a toxic environment isn’t healthy for you or for your husbands recovery. Allowing someone the space to reflect & do “the work” to improve & change on their own in order to show not just talk about the change is where you want to go. The old saying “actions speak louder than words” is key here
Stay strong honey!
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