So confused and torn

Hi. I am 37 and have been with my husband for 21 years. We have been separated since September 2020 and are in the divorce process. He had an affair for over a year. I found out about it on my birthday, he spent the whole day with her. Needless to say, he’s shown no remorse or guilt about it. We tried working it out but I kept throwing it in his face, which I know is wrong. He wanted to give me a time table on how soon to get over it and when I didn’t, he left me while I was at work. I know I haven’t been the best wife, but I don’t deserve to be cheated on, no one does. Fast forward to today…. He wants to divorce now. Of course I begged for another chance and he has said if I don’t take half of his 401k, he will come home and we can be together again but only AFTER the divorce. If I take half the 401k, it’s over completely. He has been threatening to “move on and sleep with other women” until I give him what he wants. He knows how badly I want my family together. So from people who don’t know me…. What would you do? Give him what he wants and allow him to come back or take half of everything I’m entitled to and lose him forever?

Hello Destroyedandbroken: There are other members, here on MSF, who will be better able to offer you advice with regard to this. Hopefully you'll hear from them. But, in the meantime, I noticed this is your first post so... welcome to the forums. I hope you find MSF to be of benefit.

P.S. Personally, I'd take the money and run...

So Sorry for what is going on! Please Do not give up! i agree with the wise and wonderful Skeezyks about Hoping that there will be other members alongside him that will be able to assist you. i'll admin that i didn't quite understand the deal he proposed but that is my fault i think as i don't really understand this kind of thing. In any case, if there's no way to convince him i suppose those money could be useful especially if you will have custody. i am not sure. Have you already tried to propose Marriage Counseling to him? In any case, i think the decision is up to you. i Hope things will improve really soon. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Destroyedandbroken, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

How do you know that he will come back and stay once he has the entire 401(k) and is legally divorced from you?

I would not trust him one bit under the circumstances.

Marriage is not extortion.

I would keep the money.

*******

Have you been getting individual counseling? It sounds like counseling could really help.

Yes, I have been in counseling and seeing a psychiatrist myself. Him? No. He refuses to do anything. He’s threatening to move on and find someone new. But yet, he acts like he still wants to be with me. I don’t know, it’s just such a head trip. I’m so tired of it. The only good thing that would come from me not taking half of his 401k is that I would keep the house and not have to worry about refinancing or buying him out. So technically I win either way. I just don’t know. It’s just not fair. I shouldn’t have to make these decisions in the first place! But I also feel if I give up the 401k, he’s winning. There’s no repercussions to his actions. I’m just so torn.

This marriage is over. He is offering to "do you the favor" of living with you, after the divorce, if you comply with his request. That's the craziest offer I've ever heard of, in the context of a pending divorce. Were you to accept that offer and he were to actually stay with you, I'ld bet anything he'ld continue to have relationships with other women. It would be a miserable existence for you. He sounds very cold-blooded to me.

Don't go along with this insane plan just to hold on to a house. To continue living with a man who has divorced you would destroy you emotionally. You need this man completely out of your life. Only then will you begin the process of grieving the loss of your marriage and recovering from that loss . . . which you can do. It is not you who should be begging for "another chance." I've known couples whose marriages survived one of the parties being unfaithful. I've seen love restored in that context. But your husband is saying he does not want to be in this marriage anymore (though he's willing to maybe stay in the house.) Let him go. This proposal of his is crazy. Deep inside, I think your heart already knows that this man is utterly untrustworthy. That's why you kept throwing his betrayal in his face. You were hoping for him to sincerely regret his affair, and he regrets nothing . . . except the money this is costing him. Here's another thing: ask yourself was this marriage really any good back before he had the affair. I don't see how it could have been because your husband sounds like an exceptionally selfish person. That's who he is, who he was, and who he will always be. I think your life might very well improve, if you let some other foolish woman take him off your hands. He's not worth making any deals with. I'm sorry for the pain you've been in, but I believe you can heal from that hurt, if - and after - you expel this man completely from your life.

Rose76 has given some wise advice. I agree her that you are better off without him. I know it will be hard to adjust, but it sounds like he has already checked out of the marriage.

He doesn’t sound like someone worth holding on to at all. I would cut my losses and be thankful he was out of my life. You married young and you still have time to meet someone else when you’ve taken the time necessary to heal from this relationship. You deserve better then this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Destroyedandbroken Yes, I have been in counseling and seeing a psychiatrist myself. Him? No. He refuses to do anything. He’s threatening to move on and find someone new. But yet, he acts like he still wants to be with me. I don’t know, it’s just such a head trip. I’m so tired of it. The only good thing that would come from me not taking half of his 401k is that I would keep the house and not have to worry about refinancing or buying him out. So technically I win either way. I just don’t know. It’s just not fair. I shouldn’t have to make these decisions in the first place! But I also feel if I give up the 401k, he’s winning. There’s no repercussions to his actions. I’m just so torn.

Why would you want to stay with a schmuck like this? He is manipulating & trying to use extortion on you.

Do you have a divorce lawyer? If so what do they say about all this. They are supposed to look out for your best interest not your soon to be ex's.

Also be careful with the house also. Bottom line, if you keep the house without refinancing, his name states on the loan & if he isn't forced to sign & file a quit claim he actually still has ownership & a say in what happens with the house. He doesn't JUST give it to you without a lot of legal stuff happening. Seriously I would consider getting half the 401k & using that to help refinance the house or force the sale of the house & buy something you can qualify for on your own. You will be better off in the long run (saying this from personal experience) Liquidating & dividing all assets is the best way to end things

I hope you do have an attorney of your own. Your husband is a very tricky guy. You need good legal counsel about exactly how you will be financially impacted by each of the options you are looking at. Your husband is aggressively trying to have his cake and eat it too.

Yes, you do have to make decisions that you hate having to make. You say he "refuses to do anything." That's not true. He is doing everything and anything that is exactly what he wants to do. He's doing plenty to try and have his life and finances be just the way he wants them to be. This guy plays a hard game, and he takes a long view of how things will affect his future. You need to do the same. This is not about trying to keep him from "winning." This is about you keeping what is rightfully yours. The only "consequence" he cares about is holding on to as much of the wealth of the marriage as he can. After 21 years, it's time for you to claim your share of the assets with a finality that stops him ever cheating you out of what should be yours. You may be overlooking shenanigans he's capable of thinking up down the road. That's why eskie, above, and I say make sure you get legal counsel that isn't biased against your interests.

As far as not wanting to "lose him forever," what do you honestly think you can hold onto? A housemate who comes and goes as he likes and goes off with whomever he fancies? A guy who demands his way or the highway? A guy who gives you a "timetable" for getting over betrayal? The arrogance of this man!

His having an affair is not the principle reason I urge you to let him go. As I said above: some couples do get past unfaithfulness. But he's pretty much telling you that he is going to live and operate as a free agent going forward. Believe him.

You're almost a year separated and already moving through the divorce process. Certainly a couple can change their minds and cancel a divorce. But he gives you zero reason to halt the divorce process. If you did, he'ld see you as weak and able to be manipulated. He'ld treat you even worse over the next few years.

At age 37, cut your losses and give yourself a chance to live with some dignity, free of this man's cruelty. There is more than an even chance that you will find another relationship. Do not make the mistake of following the path of least resistance.

I agree with Rose and eskie that you should engage a divorce lawyer at once if you don't already have one.

I just did the math. You were 16 when you got involved with your husband. He's all you've ever known. That's why this is so hard. Life holds many possibilities you know little about. There is a world out there for you to explore.

I wonder is your husband the same age as you?