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Cardooney
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Cardooney Cousin of the artichoke
 
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Default Aug 07, 2021 at 01:38 PM
  #1
Im not seeking a divorce or separation, but I have felt like the relationship is difficult enough to warrant it. I have wondered if my husband would be better off with someone else that will irritate him less than I do (if that person could even exist). He claims to love me and be happy with me, but he shows annoyance and aloofness towards me enough that I truly am confused. Because of the way he behaves, Sometimes I have expected at any moment he will say he wants a divorce. Yet he doesn’t. I’ve brought divorce up a couple times to see if it’s what he wants, and he says he doesn’t want it.

I realize in reading the above that I might sound like i am not thinking about this subject in the right way. I feel like the situation is complicated because he has mental illness that may explain why he has treated me like horse*** so often. he manipulates me (more in the past) by mocking my feelings about things he says/does that are hurtful. He gets very self centered and obsessive and abrasive. Before I had a few years of therapy, I spent so much time catering to his happiness and needs/wants, and trying to be supportive of him, even to my own detriment.

He has such a naive view about us. I’ve asked for counseling with him, and he just says he doesn’t have the capacity and isn’t interested. The way our relationship works from my view is that I stay out of his way, expect little as far as family activity or taking care of the home, and avoid fighting as much as possible. It’s suffocating me.

I love and care about him, but then again I ask “how” since he has treated me so badly in the past and is still combative towards me currently. I don’t feel love or cherished in my heart, but my head tells me I am but that my partner has issues so I can’t expect good treatment. I can only expect not to be treated too poorly.

He’s a jerk so often. He has a good heart blah blah blah but acts so rude it’s mind blowing sometimes. He rarely accepts responsibility/acknowledges his poor behavior. He blames and projects and it’s exhausting. He won’t get his own counseling or anger management because he is not emotionally stable enough to, or maybe now thinks he is past all those problems anyway.

I’m so burned out in most aspects of my being. I look like a sad person now and I can’t hide it. I feel painful loneliness. My husband does not care how I feel if it has anything to do with him. It only aggravates him and makes him defensive, which I get it’s delicate. If I do assert boundaries, it only works if I tell him to piss off and then I walk away. Any type of attempt at dialogue results in nonsense.

He gets short with me anytime he feels like it, and has no care how I would feel about him being that way. All that matters to him is how he feels. He is easily overwhelmed by the most basic marital topics and over the years has being completely unwilling to discuss what I would consider basic things. His view is not to ask not to worry and to stay out of his way. Even when he’s squandered all our funds, I have no say. His mental illness is in charge.

He is medicated thankfully.

I really need counseling again at this point and am working towards that, but in the meantime maybe I can find a support group and I am venting here.

He was being stupid last night, and I got extremely flustered and almost ragey towards him, telling him to back off and to stop projecting things on me. It was one thing after another of him getting annoyed with me, defensive, accusatory about really ridiculous stuff…I was so flustered I had to go on a walk to get away.
I said to him that I can’t please him I’ll never be good enough or give enough to be treated well and that I can’t make him happy and only he can do that for himself. He texted me saying it’s ridiculous that I think I’m trying to please him, and that he asks nothing of me.

I reiterated that I can’t please him, and he asked me “what pleases me?”
Like I should know or care, or is he quizzing me on his needs? I don’t get it. It’s a weird way of love
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MickeyCheeky
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Default Aug 07, 2021 at 02:22 PM
  #2
So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! Hugs. From what you wrote it does seem like things aren't going that well with your Husband, right? You've said that you don't want to divorce but i am not sure what other solution there may be for your own Happiness. You've mentioned he doesn't want to come to counseling so unless he changes his mind that doesn't seem an option. i think counseling for yourself may be a good option and i'd encourage you to try that one. i am just not sure if it will be enough. But i don't want to pressure you or make any decisions for you especially those i don't want either. Just do think about your options and if you can avoid it. i Hope everything will improve really soon for you and everyone. Please do update us if possible if you want to. Love. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Cardooney, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Last edited by MickeyCheeky; Aug 07, 2021 at 02:23 PM.. Reason: originally deleted; fixed the throb emoticon also
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Cardooney
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Cardooney Cousin of the artichoke
 
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Default Aug 07, 2021 at 03:38 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! Hugs. From what you wrote it does seem like things aren't going that well with your Husband, right? You've said that you don't want to divorce but i am not sure what other solution there may be for your own Happiness. You've mentioned he doesn't want to come to counseling so unless he changes his mind that doesn't seem an option. i think counseling for yourself may be a good option and i'd encourage you to try that one. i am just not sure if it will be enough. But i don't want to pressure you or make any decisions for you especially those i don't want either. Just do think about your options and if you can avoid it. i Hope everything will improve really soon for you and everyone. Please do update us if possible if you want to. Love. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Cardooney, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
Thanks, MickeyCheeky. I won’t give up. I’m not sure of the solution either, but I’m the meantime I will work on building myself up.
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sarahsweets
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Default Aug 13, 2021 at 08:09 AM
  #4
Hey @Cardooney have you thought about why you re still with him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cardooney View Post
Im not seeking a divorce or separation, but I have felt like the relationship is difficult enough to warrant it. I have wondered if my husband would be better off with someone else that will irritate him less than I do (if that person could even exist). He claims to love me and be happy with me, but he shows annoyance and aloofness towards me enough that I truly am confused. Because of the way he behaves, Sometimes I have expected at any moment he will say he wants a divorce. Yet he doesn’t. I’ve brought divorce up a couple times to see if it’s what he wants, and he says he doesn’t want it.

I realize in reading the above that I might sound like i am not thinking about this subject in the right way. I feel like the situation is complicated because he has mental illness that may explain why he has treated me like horse*** so often. he manipulates me (more in the past) by mocking my feelings about things he says/does that are hurtful. He gets very self centered and obsessive and abrasive. Before I had a few years of therapy, I spent so much time catering to his happiness and needs/wants, and trying to be supportive of him, even to my own detriment.

He has such a naive view about us. I’ve asked for counseling with him, and he just says he doesn’t have the capacity and isn’t interested. The way our relationship works from my view is that I stay out of his way, expect little as far as family activity or taking care of the home, and avoid fighting as much as possible. It’s suffocating me.

I love and care about him, but then again I ask “how” since he has treated me so badly in the past and is still combative towards me currently. I don’t feel love or cherished in my heart, but my head tells me I am but that my partner has issues so I can’t expect good treatment. I can only expect not to be treated too poorly.

He’s a jerk so often. He has a good heart blah blah blah but acts so rude it’s mind blowing sometimes. He rarely accepts responsibility/acknowledges his poor behavior. He blames and projects and it’s exhausting. He won’t get his own counseling or anger management because he is not emotionally stable enough to, or maybe now thinks he is past all those problems anyway.

I’m so burned out in most aspects of my being. I look like a sad person now and I can’t hide it. I feel painful loneliness. My husband does not care how I feel if it has anything to do with him. It only aggravates him and makes him defensive, which I get it’s delicate. If I do assert boundaries, it only works if I tell him to piss off and then I walk away. Any type of attempt at dialogue results in nonsense.

He gets short with me anytime he feels like it, and has no care how I would feel about him being that way. All that matters to him is how he feels. He is easily overwhelmed by the most basic marital topics and over the years has being completely unwilling to discuss what I would consider basic things. His view is not to ask not to worry and to stay out of his way. Even when he’s squandered all our funds, I have no say. His mental illness is in charge.

He is medicated thankfully.

I really need counseling again at this point and am working towards that, but in the meantime maybe I can find a support group and I am venting here.

He was being stupid last night, and I got extremely flustered and almost ragey towards him, telling him to back off and to stop projecting things on me. It was one thing after another of him getting annoyed with me, defensive, accusatory about really ridiculous stuff…I was so flustered I had to go on a walk to get away.
I said to him that I can’t please him I’ll never be good enough or give enough to be treated well and that I can’t make him happy and only he can do that for himself. He texted me saying it’s ridiculous that I think I’m trying to please him, and that he asks nothing of me.

I reiterated that I can’t please him, and he asked me “what pleases me?”
Like I should know or care, or is he quizzing me on his needs? I don’t get it. It’s a weird way of love

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Thanks for this!
Cardooney
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Cardooney Cousin of the artichoke
 
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Default Aug 13, 2021 at 08:34 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Hey @Cardooney have you thought about why you re still with him?

I hope things will approve and that peace and joy is a tweak away rather than a start over
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Cardooney
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Cardooney Cousin of the artichoke
 
Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 142
5 yr Member
101 hugs
given
Default Aug 15, 2021 at 11:10 PM
  #6
He agreed to counseling. So that is a good development. I think anyone would need counseling after one partner getting a bipolar diagnosis. I believe bipolar effects interpersonal communication and communications in marriage. It all feels so complicated and confusing. I hope a counselor might be able to provide insight? I hope it will be good for the both of us.
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