Is No Contact really the best way to proceed?

Hi - I am new here. This is my first post.

My wife and I have been divorce for a while but still shared a house for financial reason, for the kids and for ourselves. Although I divorced her for cheating, she showed such remorse that we remained best friends and lovers.

I still wanted to eventually separate as I can not stop thinking about what she did.

My financial position came to the point that I wanted it to be before I could end it. I believe that once we have been apart for some time, the gut wrenching pain will diminish. Still, I will miss her.

I did get closure. Since I knew it was coming, I got to really say goodbye, in my own way. One last weekend morning in bed, being lazy and happy. Only I knew it was the last time. So, well, I cherished it. Right up till the moment I got out of bed that morning. As soon as I stood up, I quickly got dressed and then I told her I had decided it was time to end this.

She was very angry at first. I think she thought that I would never get to this point. That she could change my mind. She is very self confidant though so she calmed down quickly and found a place to move to and did.

I'm not going to pretend that it still doesn't hurt like a death in the family. It's been coming for a long time though, so it's not like, hit by a bus, more like cirrhosis of the liver. It still hurts. A lot.

She has an apartment. Not far away. I am having a hard time not calling her and texting her.

Like a rare bird she really loves to see, came to the bird feeder today. I felt like I had to and then did text her about it.

I had a great meeting at work that I was not sure would go well. I was very worried about it. She knew it was coming up before she moved out. I could not resist telling her all about it.

Long before she moved out, there was an issue with her finances that she needed my help with. She is terrible with money issues. I felt like I should and did follow up with her to make sure she remembered to do what I told her about this issue. She thanked me.

She called me to alert me to watch something on TV that she knew I would want to watch. Something we would have watched together if we were still together. I thanked her.

Is this messed up behavior? Am I sabotaging my exit from our relationship?

Could it be that you still have feelings for her?

Oh absolutely. No question. She is/was my best friend and best lover ever. I still love her. I just can't stand the sight of her, lol.

Seriously though, yes, strong love but at the same time I can't forget what she did. When I see her I think of that. Every time.

Does that mean that if it were possible in some way to forgive and/or forget, you might be willing to get back together with her?

No contact or ‘grey rock’ (be as boring/non committal as possible) can be very helpful in healing during separation. I don’t think it’s right for every single person splitting with a partner, but it does help most people move on sooner than they would if they were still in contact. It can still be very difficult, especially when first started. I’m sorry your wife made such choices that made you want to divorce - for what it’s worth, most people who reconcile with cheaters find the marriage is never as good again (after all, once trust has been broken, how hard is it to rebuild?) and/or they later find their spouse is still cheating, but just learned to hide it better.

We have talked about this. The only way I can think of to fix this is by way of a time machine.

It isn't so much the trust issue. I really do trust her now. More than even before the affair. She has really matured a lot with respect to honesty and character. Not just with me but in her entire lifestyle.

It is the lack of respect. How she disrespected me then. How I don't respect her now.

I can't respect her because it was such a stupid move. It was what I now know to be a typical Married Man/ Married Woman affair. Never going to leave his wife. A con man. A truly disgusting person who did this to many women.

Which leads me to not care so much what SHE wants in a relationship. I don't try to keep her happy that much. I don't buy her all the things she wants, at least not too the ridiculous degree that I used to do to supposedly keep her happy. Also, if something is important to me that she is against, I did it anyway.

I am revolted when I think of her with him. She is fit and beautiful and picked me because well, at least I am fit and care about such things. He is totally out of shape, doesn't even try. Eats total crap. She is tall and said she would never date anyone shorter than her. He is. In fact she threw me off, made my suspicions less, because she would say, "Really! You think I would do something like that with HIM!" So disgust and loss of respect is huge.

I didn't actually tell her to go even. I would have eventually but something came up that I didn't want to pass up, that I knew she would hate. I told her I wasn't passing it up and she decided to go.

So Sorry for what is happening also! Please Do not give up! Hugs and So Sorry. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that you may still have feelings for her and that no contact may be a better option if you do decide to not come back to her. i think i can understand it may be painful to do this but if you want to move on i am fraid it may be necessary. Of course i may be wrong and you may still be able to Handle it. Still, at least consider it. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone whatever decision you want to take regarding this obviously. Please do update us if possible if you want to obviously. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @What Next, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

My two cents is the sooner you cut all contact with her, the sooner you can move on more fully. Often times, the only way to truly move on from someone is to cut all contact, even if and when you miss her and even if and when you still want to share aspects of your life with her. But really, yes, no contact is the best way to move on.

I feel the need to talk to her of course. Like anyone going NC that didn't want to do it.

I looked up an old girlfriend. From high school. She is single. I've talked to her three nights in a row now. Nothing romantic, but long fun talks. I am getting to feel less of an urge to talk to the other. I am glad this girl has time and seems as interested in talking as I do.

If/when you decide to go NC, how will you handle things when you need to speak about the kids?

There is a lot of advice out there on how to handle this. It is a common problem.

I have the urge to help her with problems I started helping her with. I feel like my time to date on these issues, mostly financial, will be wasted if I don't follow through. I don't like unfinished projects. Plus if she has more money it is to my benefit. It is not a lot of work for me but it would be for her, if she could even do it. One is very low effort but very long term.

To answer your question , YES , if you really want to move on you definitely have to go totally NC. It’s the same as if the person has died. Seems though that , for whatever reason , your not going to be able to do that. It sounds like if you went to a couples therapist you might be able to salvage the relationship..
Seems like your ego was hurt more than your feelings. Let me tell you from experience that in most marriages , that last any length of time , one or the other or both individuals will be unfaithful. I think marriage should be abolished.
Asking 2 people to be faithful to each other over a lifetime is a very very difficult thing to do. It’s just human nature.

Yesterday she got very angry that I declined her offer to pay for a cleaning service to come to my house. By angry I mean livid. Name calling, threatening, etc.

I don't want her to waste her money since eventually she will run out and then need my money. Plus I don't have the same housekeeping standards that she does and I feel it is time for her to give up control over MY house. Her view is that our children need to have her standards met even at my house.

I am feeling starved for conversation. So far I have not given in to the urge to talk to her. My high school ex and I have exhausted our ability to talk. We have lead such different lives for decades that we no longer have anything common, other than our shared days in the past. There is only so much conversation you can make about that limited time long ago.

Comments about any of this? Please, I need attention, lol.

Get online. You can find tons of women to speak with on online dating sites. At least it's one way of getting some attention!

You may be right about most long term marriages. Statistics do support that view. Still, I am so disgusted. Revolted. I can' t look at her without thinking about what she did.

At least when she is out of sight, I think about it less.

Do you mean like Tinder? Or Match.com? Something else?

I wish I even just had friends. Like guy friends. Or women. I gave up all such friendship and devoted all my free time to my children and wife.

I've read about this. It is quite common for men (or the woman if she is the family's breadwinner) to ignore everything except making money and spending the rest of their time with their children and significant other. The result is lonely middle aged people with no friends. Often resulting in early death due to drugs, alcohol or suicide.

Either. Whatever your preference is! Tinder is more for sexual encounters and Match is more relationship-focused.

What interests you, or might interest you? For example, there are lots of opportunities to learn/play chess online.

I play sports with men. We are friends in the locker room but it ends there. We never meet other than for the sport and probably don't have anything in common other than that.