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Kate2715
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Default Aug 23, 2021 at 04:00 PM
  #1
My husband and I have been together for 21 years, we have two kids 10 and 9. Our relationship has always had issues, we are different in how we think and view a lot of things in life. He has always been the positive one, me not so much. He took a night job for our kids school schedule and we started to sleep separately due to this schedule and it just became the norm. We then started watching TV separately, too. I have felt like I carry the financial weight and the majority of the housework, he feels the same. He says has tried and tried to make this work but there is no talking to me. I do not feel either of us tried to do more than place blame and ignore each other. We agreed to wait until our lease is up to determine what’s next. Then, he recently came in contact with an ex girlfriend and started texting and talking to her about our relationship. He, of course, didn’t tell me until I caught him. Wednesday morning he left while the kids and I were asleep. Snuck out without saying goodbye, refused to answer or text me. When he finally did, he said he’s done. He’s not going to allow me to “bully” him anymore and that our relationship is “toxic” and kids are “resilient.” All words he had never used toward me… ever. He has since admitted this girl has been a great listener and she’s been there. She just helped him see what he hasn’t been able to say. He now tells me how
this entire situation is my doing. He announced last night he wants a divorce and even if things turned around 100% he just can’t see himself ever being happy with me as I have changed him. He wants to be who he was 20 plus years ago. I am at a loss as to who this man is anymore. He’s leaving was a wake up call for me. I don’t want a divorce and I am surprised by that but when he snaps at me that I put the salt on the wrong shelf, can’t load the dishwasher right and we have too much food in our pantry… I guess I just am the bad guy.
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Default Aug 23, 2021 at 04:33 PM
  #2
Hi @Kate2715 - Welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry your marriage is hitting big challenges. That must be rough for you to handle.

It sounds like your husband wants things done a certain way, his way. That sounds like a very controlling attitude on his part. He may sense that he has lost control of you now as you sound like you are coping with the changes in job and living arrangements.

When someone starts cheating they may be looking for where the grass is greener. I am sorry for your loss especially with two not very old children.

I hope things do not get contentious if this leads to divorce. Do not be overly concerned for how he will do. He may just try to take more than his fair share, but think of you and your 2 kids. You might need a lawyer to help you through these difficult times because he does not sound reasonable or fair. You also may find a therapist beneficial as well.

This is just a start of articles that may be of interest to you.
6 Strategies To Use When Divorcing A Control Freak

5 Ways To Handle Your Hostile Ex | HuffPost
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Default Sep 02, 2021 at 01:21 AM
  #3
Welcome @Kate2715
I dont think you are bad and it sounds like you were shocked by all of this. Since he has left and he is obviously having an emotional affair it is time to get a lawyer like ASAP because it is the only way to protect your kids. Do not be fooled into thinking it will be over when the lease is up. You need court ordered financial help and child support. if he tries to have a verbal aggreement to "keep the kids from court" get a lawyer and ignore him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kate2715 View Post
My husband and I have been together for 21 years, we have two kids 10 and 9. Our relationship has always had issues, we are different in how we think and view a lot of things in life. He has always been the positive one, me not so much. He took a night job for our kids school schedule and we started to sleep separately due to this schedule and it just became the norm. We then started watching TV separately, too. I have felt like I carry the financial weight and the majority of the housework, he feels the same. He says has tried and tried to make this work but there is no talking to me. I do not feel either of us tried to do more than place blame and ignore each other. We agreed to wait until our lease is up to determine what’s next. Then, he recently came in contact with an ex girlfriend and started texting and talking to her about our relationship. He, of course, didn’t tell me until I caught him. Wednesday morning he left while the kids and I were asleep. Snuck out without saying goodbye, refused to answer or text me. When he finally did, he said he’s done. He’s not going to allow me to “bully” him anymore and that our relationship is “toxic” and kids are “resilient.” All words he had never used toward me… ever. He has since admitted this girl has been a great listener and she’s been there. She just helped him see what he hasn’t been able to say. He now tells me how
this entire situation is my doing. He announced last night he wants a divorce and even if things turned around 100% he just can’t see himself ever being happy with me as I have changed him. He wants to be who he was 20 plus years ago. I am at a loss as to who this man is anymore. He’s leaving was a wake up call for me. I don’t want a divorce and I am surprised by that but when he snaps at me that I put the salt on the wrong shelf, can’t load the dishwasher right and we have too much food in our pantry… I guess I just am the bad guy.

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Default Oct 04, 2021 at 07:16 AM
  #4
Hi...I find myself in almost the same situation, but my husband isn't seeing anyone else. I think our relationship is salvagable, but he doesn't...so I guess that means it really isn't because it takes two to make it work, right?

I'm sorry you're going through this.
How are you doing now? What is happening?
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Default Oct 08, 2021 at 07:53 AM
  #5
Hello Kate2715,

I'm not going to try to give you relationship advice. Lord knows I'm not the person for that. But, as I read your post, your comment of, "I don’t want a divorce and I am surprised by that ..." caught my attention. Do you know why you don't want the divorce? From a personal growth perspective, seems to me that is a good question to ask yourself.

BOM
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Default Oct 09, 2021 at 06:46 AM
  #6
I wonder after reading your post if you feel that your husband is correct - that you've bullied him and that the relationship has become toxic because of how you are in the relationship. I read that part and it stands out to me. People usually in relationships don't use those words unless there's some truth to them - OR, he's the one who has bullied you and is turning it all around on you. It's something to reflect on, at the very least.

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