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Lemlot
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Default Aug 30, 2021 at 12:28 PM
  #1
I never in a million years would have thought that I would need marriage counseling at my age. My husband admitted that he no longer wants to be married to me but wants to go to marriage counseling . He says he’s torn apart about feeling stressed and depressed and wanting to leave me but also wanting me to stay. I just moved to a new state alone and started a masters program and we agreed that we made long distance work out the first time(military family) and that we could do it again, but now it feels like he’s getting what he wants. I think he loves me? He says he does? We have been together for 8 years and his confession came out of nowhere. I want to do marriage counseling becuz I’m so dearly hoping he is just depressed but then I’ll have to face reality that he truly doesn’t want to be married to me anymore and that our marriage is what is making him depressed and stressed. Has anyone been through marriage counseling? Was it successful and why? And was it not successful and why? I don’t want to compare my situation to anyone else’s.. I just need some hope. Sorry for the misspellings, I’m too upset to pay attention
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Default Aug 31, 2021 at 03:24 AM
  #2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemlot View Post
I never in a million years would have thought that I would need marriage counseling at my age. My husband admitted that he no longer wants to be married to me but wants to go to marriage counseling . He says he’s torn apart about feeling stressed and depressed and wanting to leave me but also wanting me to stay. I just moved to a new state alone and started a masters program and we agreed that we made long distance work out the first time(military family) and that we could do it again, but now it feels like he’s getting what he wants. I think he loves me? He says he does? We have been together for 8 years and his confession came out of nowhere. I want to do marriage counseling becuz I’m so dearly hoping he is just depressed but then I’ll have to face reality that he truly doesn’t want to be married to me anymore and that our marriage is what is making him depressed and stressed. Has anyone been through marriage counseling? Was it successful and why? And was it not successful and why? I don’t want to compare my situation to anyone else’s.. I just need some hope. Sorry for the misspellings, I’m too upset to pay attention
Since you are already long distance will the counseling be virtual?

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Default Aug 31, 2021 at 07:03 PM
  #3
So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i agree with the wise and wonderful sarahsweets about asking you whether the counseling you plan will be virtual. In any case, i think it may be worth it to give it a try at least. i think i can understand how such news may be shocking to you but i don't think you're alone. i don't have any first-hand experience with marriage counseling but i think it has the potential to work out if the couples are serious about it i Hope and i believe. i think it is good that at least your Husband seems willing to want to improve or at least it seems i Hope and i believe. Please Do update us if possible if you want to obviously. Love. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Lemlot, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Aug 31, 2021 at 07:18 PM
  #4


It sounds to me as though he could benefit from individual counseling, as he is depressed, stressed, and seems unsure of what he wants.

Quote:
now it feels like he’s getting what he wants
Can you say more about this feeling?

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Default Sep 01, 2021 at 02:18 AM
  #5
Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. The way it happened was, he came to my new state that I’m living in to help me get adjusted and then the day before his flight out , he breaks down and says he no longer wants to be married and that he has held it in for a year. So because we live in different states, it will be virtual. What I mean by “getting what he wants” is , him no longer wanting to be married to me would mean separating.. which is what just happened. I left with hopes of having someone to come back to me now I possibly don’t. My biggest issue is just questioning everything about myself . I’m confused becuz he says he loves everything about me and I’m perfect but doesn’t know if he wants to be married . I worry that after the marriage counseling, he will realize he actually doesn’t want to be married and that’s scary. The thought of rebuilding a new life that doesn’t involve him. I’m trying to be patient and supportive with him while also trying to be patient and supportive with myself. I feel like I’m in a panic. Like at any moment he could just say “I’m done”. I kind of feel like I’m on hold
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Default Sep 01, 2021 at 03:11 PM
  #6
I'm really sorry that you are having to face this situation.



A significant concern here in my view is the fact that he held this in for one year and in fact allowed the current separation to occur without being honest with you about his feelings.

Now he is giving you mixed messages, which of course is confusing.

I think a fair thing for you to consider is how long you are willing to wait in suspended animation and fear while he figures himself out and decides whether or not to say that he is done.

You could--just as an example--tell him that he has six months to get back to being a regular husband or you yourself will file for divorce. In thinking about this, remember that he has had this on his mind for a year already. How long is he going to keep you--his wife--dangling and suffering?

And if he were to say that he wants to stay married--how will you know whether you can trust that? In other words, he might be honest in saying that in the moment, but to me you would need to know also that he will be rock solid in that intention over time.

In my view: don't let him have you in his back pocket indefinitely while he supposedly is figuring things out.

At a minimum, in my view, he should be taking serious steps, such as individual counseling, to come to a conclusion and "fish or cut bait".

If he does decide to leave, how will you approach planning your new life without him? This would be good to think through, so that you are better prepared if he does suddenly say that he is done.

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Default Sep 07, 2021 at 10:56 PM
  #7
Hi Bill,


I never thought about how long I would wait until you brought it up and I think that is a very important thing for me to think about. How do I put a time limit? (rhetorical question) When I know I would wait forever, but that does not help me. I am also concerned about how long he waited and am feeling hopeless about the situation. It makes me question his commitment and question when he says he loves me.


You have given me a lot of insightful advice and I greatly appreciate it! It took me so long to reply because I have been thinking about it. I felt so much raw pain when I initially posted this and have since had time to see this situation more clearly. I overall still feel sad because I have so many other things going on and I feel like the world is caving in on me and I am trying to claw my way out everyday.


He has agreed to get individual counseling, but I am starting to feel a little resentful sometimes. I am trying to be patient but I have days where I am so angry with him. I am slowly distancing myself and it hurts because it isn't what I want, but its like you said...what if he decides he is leaving me.

Your words are something that have made the most sense to me lately. Thank you
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Default Sep 09, 2021 at 11:32 AM
  #8
Thank you so much for your kind words about my last post.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you right now, with so much uncertainty and anxiety about what your husband is thinking and feeling. I'm really sorry for the pain.

Quote:
How do I put a time limit?
It certainly can seem arbitrary to say, for example, that at five months and 31 days you are staying but then the next day, at six months, you are leaving.

To me, the main thing is to stay open to any and all feelings and thoughts might come up, positive or negative. That would include the feelings of resentment and anger that you mentioned. I consider those feelings to be completely understandable. They come from a part of you that wants to stay healthy, wants to have a happy life, and gets upset with people and things that might get in the way of that. I encourage you to welcome those feelings and to express them (again, whatever feelings, both positive and negative feelings) in some safe way, like maybe in a journal for example. Maybe see a counselor yourself?

When you are open to the feelings, and you listen to them and honor them, perhaps you will come to a point where you say to yourself "I have had enough, I am ready to leave". That isn't a specific time limit: It's more organic, arising out of the total of thoughts and feelings coming from that part of you that wants you to stay healthy and have a happy life.

Another possibility is to think about how you make major decisions. How do you usually come to know that X is right for you and it is time to move forward?

Quote:
I am slowly distancing myself and it hurts because it isn't what I want, but its like you said...what if he decides he is leaving me.
I don't blame you for distancing yourself. How are you doing it?

Quote:
I am trying to be patient but I have days where I am so angry with him.
How much do you want to warn him that there are limits to your patience? I mean, you don't have to warn him. But if you wanted to, how would you go about it?
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Default Sep 12, 2021 at 09:45 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by Lemlot View Post
I never in a million years would have thought that I would need marriage counseling at my age. My husband admitted that he no longer wants to be married to me but wants to go to marriage counseling . He says he’s torn apart about feeling stressed and depressed and wanting to leave me but also wanting me to stay. I just moved to a new state alone and started a masters program and we agreed that we made long distance work out the first time(military family) and that we could do it again, but now it feels like he’s getting what he wants. I think he loves me? He says he does? We have been together for 8 years and his confession came out of nowhere. I want to do marriage counseling becuz I’m so dearly hoping he is just depressed but then I’ll have to face reality that he truly doesn’t want to be married to me anymore and that our marriage is what is making him depressed and stressed. Has anyone been through marriage counseling? Was it successful and why? And was it not successful and why? I don’t want to compare my situation to anyone else’s.. I just need some hope. Sorry for the misspellings, I’m too upset to pay attention
My wife has ask me for a divorce, because I think she feels depressed in our marriage as well, UT she never talks to me about her feelings. She runs to her adult daughter, mom and friend and I always told her, only we can fix what's wrong in our relationship, here I am now with 3 small kids and she ready to live her life without us, because of lack of communication. Talk, tell your husband to talk to you. Communication is key! Seek therapy try to save your marriage only if you can see your life with this person. It has to be the type of vision you never saw with anyone else.
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Default Sep 16, 2021 at 02:03 AM
  #10
We have mutually agreed to a trial separation. To start(as of today) we have agreed on a week until after we both have our therapy sessions. We will discuss how the separation affected us. I have chosen no contact whatsoever and he didn’t give me any push back which was hurtful. I know it’s what I wanted but I had to painfully talk thru my tears for those words to even come out of my mouth. I wanted it to him to be fearful of losing me and I didn’t get any sense of that. I have put so much work into wanting this work by reading and googling ways to help this relationship. I’ve even gone far as seeing things I’d like to improve on in our relationship. I know I wasn’t perfect in this. I put my own work into my therapy sessions and work on introspection and identifying my feelings. He has a hard time with that aspect. He can’t even identify what about our marriage makes him depressed. I’m starting a new masters program in my home state(he lives somewhere else) and have been having exciting days, and I withhold it from him. Why does he get to continue to take from me is how I see it. I’ve given all I’ve had to give the last 8 years of our relationship and it wasn’t enough. I think I’ve given too much of myself so withholding parts of my life is my way of regaining that control. Why does he get to hear about how great I’m doing . He sometimes acts as if everything is the same and it isn’t fair to me becuz it’s very real for me everyday. I’m in pain and feel like I cannot breath everyday. Our conversations can be so one sided sometimes becuz I talk a lot about my feelings(maybe too much) and he shuts down. I respect and am understanding of him being depressed and maybe not knowing how to express certain feelings with me but even when I try to prompt in conversation to help him think more deeply.. he sees it as “going in circles”. And it goes in circles becuz he refuses to talk to me or give me any type of clarification of feelings. I care so much and so badly want this to work.
We have both sought out our own therapy but I feel like he isn’t putting in the work. He’s also new at therapy so I tried to tell him what therapy can offer and the way he has control of his sessions and what he wants to talk about. I’m on a waiting list for marital therapy as of two weeks ago. What I want out of this trial separation is .. maybe he will miss me. Maybe he will see being separated isn’t what he really wants? It’s difficult already living apart. He says he misses me and he loves me .. I just don’t feel it. The way the conversation was left felt cold on his end. This week is going to be tough.
Thank you everyone for responding .
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Default Sep 16, 2021 at 03:35 AM
  #11
I'm so sorry for your pain and sadness and heartbreak.



It sounds like you have done and are doing everything you can to try to help him realize what he is doing to your relationship and to you.

I think that your no contact decision was wise, it will help you assess his state of mind and what you want to do next.

It was good to read that your new program is going well.

I hope that you find writing here to be a bit helpful and if so that you will continue to post here.

I'm really sorry for your pain and for what you are going through.

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