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HarderThanIThought
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Default Sep 04, 2021 at 05:24 PM
  #1
Hi everyone,

I'm brand new to the group, and felt it might be therapeutic to talk a bit about my experience. I'm newly separated (3 weeks) and really struggling. Things had not been going well with my wife for some time - I know she loves me, but is not a particularly warm person. I often felt criticized, that I was putting more into the marriage than I was getting, and that her love had to be earned instead of being unconditional. I think things have always been that way, but I've been able to ignore those issues because we were busy with kids, work, etc. In the last couple years though I've taken my happiness into my own hands and became involved more with activities for ME (running, music, seeing a therapist) though which I have received a lot of validation from others about the way I was feeling. Unfortunately I think my wife felt threatened by this, and it got to the point that her criticism was taking a toll - I began to feel anxious about how she would react to things and started to keep my feelings to myself more and more.

At any rate, I finally made the decision to move out - not necessarily with the intent of getting divorced, but just to focus on myself without the guilt, anxiety, and manipulation I was experiencing. It's only been three weeks, but I have to say I'm having a really tough time. I don't miss HER per se (although I do miss the adult companionship, even if it wasn't particularly loving) - I think I had already gone through a grieving process of sorts and was mentally prepared for that.

I think my heartache is really focused on the things that are different now - I miss the house, I miss seeing the kids every day, I miss the dog, etc. It's a feeling of homesickness more than anything. It makes me sad to think about not sharing holidays or birthdays or vacations together anymore. I miss the kids immensely when they aren't around, but I feel equally sad when they are with me because my new place doesn't feel like home yet to them. There have been a couple of times when they've said they want to go back to Mom's house, which hurts a bit.

One of the reasons I decided to move out was to work on myself and be able to show my kids a much happier version of myself, but so far I feel like I've failed miserably at that. But on the other hand I didn't feel like my wife and I were doing a good job at showing them what a loving marriage looks like.

So to make a long story short, this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I'm questioning whether it's worth it, and if it would be better to just try to reconcile, even if it's just for the sake of the kids. She's not a bad person - I do love and respect her, even if our relationship isn't/wasn't particularly loving.

Sorry for the long post, but it is helpful to put into words what I'm experiencing. Looking forward to hearing whether any of you have had similar experiences.
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endofthetunnel
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Default Sep 05, 2021 at 12:27 PM
  #2
Hello friend,

I'm in the same boat. It's strange to know this is a better path than staying but then feel the deep loneliness from choosing that path. People keep telling me it will get better and I know it will but it's hard when the loneliness is so acute. I start thinking about the far and few between "good times" and some how those moments are magnified when in fact they were microscopic in the grand scheme of things.

Take care of yourself. Going through the pain and emerging on the other side having processed and worked on the healing will be better for you. I know it's hard to imagine right now, even as I type that I think this pain feels like it won't ever go away, but if I compare it to days ago, weeks ago, or even before the breaking point, the loneliness had always been there, I just found scraps of comfort that someone emotionally unavailable had been around.


Be well. You're not alone. Loving yourself through this process will be a gift that may not be known until further in the future.
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Default Sep 05, 2021 at 07:06 PM
  #3
So Sorry for what you're gong through also! Please Do not give up! Hugs. It seems like you've described a bit of a complicated situation maybe. I'd say if reconciliation is an option it may be good to try but both of you must really want it for it to be successful at least in my opinion. Perhaps propose Marriage counseling if available. Otherwise if that is not possible then i believe you just need to Grieve your Losses and wait some time so that everything can adjust again. i understand this may be hard to do but unfortunately sometimes it may be the best solution perhaps. Do focus on being the best version of yourself. i think that's always an healthy option overall. Love. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @HarderThanIThought, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Sep 06, 2021 at 10:21 AM
  #4
Thanks @MickeyCheeky. I think reconciliation is an option, but if we went that route we'd have some serious work to do (including counseling) - I think I need to determine if I can be the best version of myself during that process, or whether I'll end up compromising myself like I did before. Regardless, I agree that I need some time to grieve these new losses and adjust. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!
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Default Sep 06, 2021 at 05:25 PM
  #5
I think it's probably rare for a marriage to be truly 50/50, in terms of effort made. One party is very apt to be more the giver and more likely to defer to the other's wishes. Your wife picked you out to marry for a reason. At the same time, people have a right to evolve as they mature, and that may create a need to renegotiate the relationship. I think you should go see a marriage couselor, regardless of whether your wife is willing to go with you. You need a coach to encourage you to spread your wings and pursue your own interests without worrying that it will put your wife's nose out of joint. Let her figure out that she needs to adapt to these changes in you.

You would have preferred to have gotten your wife's permission and blessing to follow your interests and nurture other friendships. You have to forget that. If you go back home, do the things you want to do and don't feel you need permission - like a kid in school raising his hand to be allowed to go to the bathroom. Your wife's need to control might be so strong that she will not accept that you have certain rights too. Over time, though, she may adapt to you being your own person.

I think there's enough love between you that it's worth a try. Good luck. I don't think you are going to find happiness living alone, with kids just popping over now and then.
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Default Sep 07, 2021 at 10:16 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by endofthetunnel View Post
Hello friend,

I'm in the same boat. It's strange to know this is a better path than staying but then feel the deep loneliness from choosing that path. People keep telling me it will get better and I know it will but it's hard when the loneliness is so acute. I start thinking about the far and few between "good times" and some how those moments are magnified when in fact they were microscopic in the grand scheme of things.

Take care of yourself. Going through the pain and emerging on the other side having processed and worked on the healing will be better for you. I know it's hard to imagine right now, even as I type that I think this pain feels like it won't ever go away, but if I compare it to days ago, weeks ago, or even before the breaking point, the loneliness had always been there, I just found scraps of comfort that someone emotionally unavailable had been around.


Be well. You're not alone. Loving yourself through this process will be a gift that may not be known until further in the future.

Thank you so much for this, @endofthetunnel - you described perfectly the way I've been feeling. I catch myself thinking "maybe the bad stuff wasn't really bad enough for me to leave" and "I wasn't miserable ALL the time". It's good to have some reassurance that things will get better. I know in my head that they will, but not always in my heart.
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Default Sep 07, 2021 at 10:42 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
I think it's probably rare for a marriage to be truly 50/50, in terms of effort made. One party is very apt to be more the giver and more likely to defer to the other's wishes. Your wife picked you out to marry for a reason. At the same time, people have a right to evolve as they mature, and that may create a need to renegotiate the relationship. I think you should go see a marriage couselor, regardless of whether your wife is willing to go with you. You need a coach to encourage you to spread your wings and pursue your own interests without worrying that it will put your wife's nose out of joint. Let her figure out that she needs to adapt to these changes in you.

You would have preferred to have gotten your wife's permission and blessing to follow your interests and nurture other friendships. You have to forget that. If you go back home, do the things you want to do and don't feel you need permission - like a kid in school raising his hand to be allowed to go to the bathroom. Your wife's need to control might be so strong that she will not accept that you have certain rights too. Over time, though, she may adapt to you being your own person.

I think there's enough love between you that it's worth a try. Good luck. I don't think you are going to find happiness living alone, with kids just popping over now and then.
Thanks, @Rose76. Your insight about wanting permission is spot on. I tend to be a people pleaser and a conflict avoider, and she tends to be a controlling personality. I suspect my personal grown has made her feel more out of control, which has caused me some guilt an anxiety. Fortunately I have an awesome therapist who has encouraged me to work on "healthy conflict". Putting this into practice was very liberating at first, but over time it became clear that she wasn't adapting and I started becoming both resentful and more anxious. I didn't like the person I was becoming - I felt it was unfair her and the kids, and also to myself. These feelings I think are what ultimately led to the decision to separate.

But, I agree that it may be worth a try again in the future. My hope is that living separately for awhile will help me to better focus on my own self-confidence and boundaries, hopefully making me better equipped to function in a relationship with her.
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Billyboy1232
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Default Nov 01, 2021 at 09:28 PM
  #8
It's very hard for both members of the relationship.. my wife left me 2 months ago .. I know it's not easy for her. So I hear you. For me it's been so so difficult.. depressed.. in our home along with my cats and no motivation to do much expect stay in bed ... Which is a big mistake.. so before you can work on your self you first need to deal with your pain.. get any help you need to deal with your immediate feelings... Avoid falling into depression, like me then you can work on other issues you may have we all have issues.. my wife who worked as a mental health counselor at one time always talked about my "unresolved" issues and these issues caused big harm ..not funny, but funny. I got back into therapy to address these issue and this was before my wife left . So at this point my focused has switched from dealing with my issues to crisis management from my separation.. good luck .
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