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SadSingleDad
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Member Since: Sep 2021
Location: New Hampshire
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2 yr Member
Default Sep 16, 2021 at 10:01 AM
  #1
TL;DR - Divorced my wife after cheating on her emotionally for years, she had cancer during some of it, met her new bf and feel like crap now.

This is a long story, and beyond nuanced, so please bear with me as I go through it. Male, single dad, divorced and incredibly depressed and lost. I initiated the divorce for a number of reasons, but not the least of which was that we were constantly fighting, and I was cheating (emotionally).

I was married for 7 years, and my ex and I have been together for almost 2 decades. We grew up together in nearby schools, went to college together, and moved to our current city together. We were in love, but all the while I was chatting online with other women.

She knew about this during college, and told me it needed to stop, and it did for a period. I have since learned through therapy that this (along with cannabis and alcohol) have been long-seated coping mechanisms I learned to avoid dealing with incredibly complex, overwhelming emotions (fear, anger, sadness, grief, loss, frustration, hopelessness, and suicidal ideations) from an early age. While cannabis use was fine within the context of my marriage, infidelity was obviously not.

I have been in various types of therapy for this over the last 10 years to try and understand this need for distraction, and I'm exploring a new style of therapy that has helped me to uncover some very painful things that I haven't been dealing with in order to shape and hopefully help me along my path to finding myself and becoming a better man.

However, right now (a month and a half after we finalized our divorce), I'm flailing... I have been crying several times a day this entire week, and I know that is part of the process. I hurt a lot and I'm trying not to beat myself up over it... but it breaks me every time i think about how much pain I've caused my ex-wife... whom i still deeply love, and who currently does not share that love.

I know right, of course she doesnt love you right now, you sought external solace from other women during your marriage, and when things got BEYOND hard you gave up on love... I was scared, and i didnt feel like i was supported to pursue treatment and really start to unpack my trauma... of course now I'm doing it without ANY of her support.

What comes next will be hard to hear.

I told my wife about my infidelity about 4 years after we were married, a month after the birth of our son. She was still recovering from a cesarian, and i dropped that bomb in her lap. She stayed with me, despite wanting to leave... and for the next year I was honest with her when I sought it out, while going through therapy, but i didnt have a good understanding of why i was doing it. I think now, hindsight being 20:20 that I was overwhelmed by being a new dad.

Over the next year I occasionally ended up back online and chatting, but now everytime I did I stopped myself and immediately told her. In April 2019, she was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, and we immediately started treatment. I stopped any online chatting and focused on her and our son, but I didnt take care of myself... I wasn't seeing a therapist, I had no real support network outside my family and close friends, or rather i didint have a support system that understood what it was to be a cancer caregiver, and go through watching the person you love the most wither away into a skeleton. I have severe, immobilizing PTSD when i remember her waking up from her tumor removal surgery, her skin grey and the thinnest i have ever seen her in my life (I'm crying while writing this ...) and to add to that... My aunt died of the same type of cancer in the same hospital 20 years earlier.

During her treatment, she regularly told me that I was not emotionally available or supportive of her... and I know that my trauma (sucide of a close friend, death of an ex gf, death of my aunt, death of my grandfather all occuring in about a 12 month period during my senior and junior years of HS) prevented me from being able to be AS emotionally available as she likely needed, but I know i did the best that I could at that time. She also had a 3 week period at the end of radiation, where she became convinced that the stress I caused in our marriage caused her cancer, and she reminded me that at least once a day for 3 weeks before she finally apologized. That destroyed me, because (as I'm learning now) i internalize the pain i've caused other people and shut down.

We divorced, it was amicable but bitter - she didnt want me to sell the house, wanted to keep living there with our son and pay rent/get a roommate, which our lawyers and the mediator all recommended against - but she has told me she'll never forgive me for taking away her garden.

We separated in March, and she started dating, finding a guy (whom is her new BF) in April. While i initially had a period of seeking out new partners, ive since realized that it was a distraction from dealing with how much I'm hurting... and stopped.

I still have open communication with her, which is necessary for logistics with our kiddo, but i have also been overstepping (inappropriate because shes in a new relationship) by emotionally cannonballing her. I told her all about what I've been uncovering with my new therapist, how I'm committed to healing and doing the work, going through the long process of forgiving myself and finding myself and my path again and hopefully finding happiness at the end.

It kind of boiled up this week because I met her new BF (she's introduced him to our son... after dating for 3 months, despite my opinion that it was a bad idea). I've been in a tailspin all week, crying constantly... Im jealous, but only because I no longer have the chance to make her happy and somehow redeem myself for the past... which Is an impossibility anyways - It happened, and I cant fix it.

I'm just trying to heal, be better for myself, my son and any future partner that I find... and this is such a derailment.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk
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Default Sep 16, 2021 at 06:13 PM
  #2
Welcome! So Sorry things are being so hard for everyone! Please Do not give up! Hugs. From what you wrote it seems like you've been through a lot. i think it is beautiful that you're seeking therapy at least and i Hope that you will find the path to become a better person even for your ex-wife obviously. Unfortunately things like this can happen obviously and even though cheating on her was wrong you should be proud of yourself for acknowledging your flaws and trying to improve. Please do continue to seek therapy and try to be kinder to yourself and others. i think it can be hard to deal with trauma so do what you can to make it easier as long as it is healthy for everyone. i Hope things will improve soon for everyone and that you ex-wife will be able to forgive you. i am not sure if there's a possibility of things working out again but if it happens do try couple counseling at least. For now at least try to focus on bettering yourself. You matter. Love. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @SadSingleDad, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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diRektive
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Member Since: Oct 2021
Location: NM, US
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Default Oct 10, 2021 at 06:55 PM
  #3
I had no idea I had joined this forum and wrote this. Many elements of your story are intensely similar to mine. I hadn't been chatting online or involving anyone else in our relationship but was always emotionally unavailable and shielding myself through coping mechanisms. I definitely understand the shock of finally dealing with the havoc you have wrought after essentially being blind to it.. finally coming to grips with hurting someone you love is a terrible experience. I hate to say it but the damage is done. Just like my ex tells me, you cannot take it back or erase the past. However.. I think it is important to recognize she is alright (thankfully) at least in the capacity of being more healthy and seeking/found a relationship. You didn't permanently damage the person (or cause their cancer) - but I'm sure it was a very painful experience for her. Your path through therapy, and improving yourself, I would say is the right one. With that said, I think an important distinction is that you have to do it for yourself - you can't expect that she will change her mind or relate it to her at all. In almost any situation, you have to get yourself right before you can start changing things you can change in the world. Ultimately, once you are good then you can start building. I wouldn't look at it as a derailment so much as a very painful reminder of why you absolutely need to do this. Not many things are permanent in life. Peoples' emotions change, your situations change, everything is quite malleable. The bright side however is that you recognize you have an issue, what you need to do, and are seeking to do it - that is something a lot of folks cannot say. I'm beginning that phase right now as my second divorce is in process. I didn't take the time to get to know myself, take the time to really listen, and always thought I was okay when there were genuine issues that needed to be resolved within myself. I also worry about future relationships, repeating the same mistakes, but knowing is half the battle. One day at a time, set short goals to do one thing better each day, fix one thing, work on small steps. Small steps add up to big steps. I wish you the absolute best of luck and I know you will succeed in getting past this in a manner that works for you - just stick with it and really give it your all. Nothing (within reason of this analogy) is forever.
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