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BuntyBooks
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Confused Sep 28, 2021 at 06:33 AM
  #1
Hello all, my first post.
Ive been married to my husband for nearly twenty years. This year in May he came home from work to tell me he had been fired because he was having an affair with a colleage, both teachers. This hit me hard, there was no indication of anything wrong. To cut a long and painful story short after he promised to work on our marriage, wouldnt see her etc …etc.. Is now at the point where hes told me theres no chance for us. I am so devestated, am on anxiety tablets and antidepressants, for some time i was ringing the suicidal phone lines.
Today we are still living together mostly due to this being his and his aunts house and i have no where to go. Hes cold and sees nothing wrong in what hes done. My son is moving out as he is both disgusted at the way his father has treated me but also seeing me so distressed causes him distress. He is on the autism spectrum. His own father didnt tell him what was going on, i had to tell him everything, hes 22.
My biggest problem now is i have no money, unable to work due to stress, no family here, im English but living in the netherlands and no friends. I would really like to reach out to any of you dear people to advise me or even just be here for me.
To my utter shame and disgust my weakness is asking him for attention and if he could cuddle me, thats so so stupid and weak of me. Im just naturally a cuddle person and really crave this, i know it gives him power but please anyone tell me how to stop doing this. Im also obsessed with thinking of him with her…it drives me crazy but i cant stop.😞😞😞
If i can offer any support to anyone else i would gladly do so, can also private message me….im so alone and cannot yet see a way out of this crushing nightmare….
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Yaowen
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Default Sep 29, 2021 at 07:31 PM
  #2
I am really very, very sorry you are caught in such a distressing, stressful and unhappy situation. How awful! I wish I had some advice or wisdom to share but given my own life history, I am really the last person on earth to offer advice. I do hope your being here will be some comfort to you. I have found the people here to be so compassionate and understanding and this place has really been a life saving refuge for me in my struggles. You are burdened with such a heavy load of unhappiness. It is so heartbreaking.
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BuntyBooks
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Default Sep 30, 2021 at 02:47 AM
  #3
Thank you so much Yaowen, for you kind words. You seem such a lovely caring person, i have read many of your warm responses to others on this site.
I also wish you love, strength and much happiness
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moodyblue83
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Default Sep 30, 2021 at 06:21 AM
  #4
There aren’t many 20 yr marriages that haven’t had any cheating by either
side. Concentrate on your own self survival. Your son can’t help you in any way ?
Seek out all the assistance possible. Financially , medically , and psychologically.
Try and get over what appears to be an attachment or addiction problem.
I know the feeling of needing that hug and not getting it. You CAN get through this and start a new life. Just constantly say to yourself “ I’m number 1 “ !
Best of luck to you…..

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Ralah
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Default Sep 30, 2021 at 06:21 AM
  #5
BuntyBooks, I am really sorry for what you are going through. I am new here myself and I am also going through a heartbreak so I can relate to at least part of what you are suffering. My husband doesn’t love me anymore and he is my whole world.
I don’t think you are weak at all in going to your husband looking for cuddling and attention, I think its human nature. Please try not to be hard on yourself for doing this, it won’t help to beat yourself up. It will only make things worse. I know, I struggle with the same problem and am still trying to learn this lesson.
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BuntyBooks
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Default Sep 30, 2021 at 10:22 AM
  #6
Many thanks Moodyblue and Ralah…..it seems these same problems recur in alot of marriages but ive just never felt such heartbreak to the point of pain before. Ive read the books and only hope that what they promise will come to be……light at the end of this dark lonely tunnel.

Love to you all on here, strength and hope
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moodyblue83
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Default Oct 01, 2021 at 05:11 AM
  #7
Never put your whole “self” in the hands of another human being.
There’s someone else out there somewhere who would love to share their
life with you. You just haven’t found him yet. And even if you don’t ? That’s the problem with this “ love” business which is actually fairly new in human history.
The idea of staying with one person your whole life. It’s platonic fantasy.
Because of this we have not followed up on the basic levels of self survival.
I don’t want to sound mean but we generally find this out when we’re older
and it’s late in life. I know how you feel.

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Thanks for this!
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Default Oct 01, 2021 at 10:46 AM
  #8
Thanks Moody,

Yes i guess you’re right, a lifetime is a very long time to stay with one person.

But this still hurts like nothing else, many thanks for your kind words…
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Default Oct 01, 2021 at 03:42 PM
  #9
Life has its ups and downs and so does marriage. Do you have a job?

If you don't have the means to survive on your own, please re-think about ending your marriage. I was homeless once and can tell you the world out there is a cold place to be by yourself. I urge you to be smart about yourself, instead of thinking of your bruised ego, and think about how you are going to survive. If you have the skills to make it by yourself, then please ignore my message!

I live in Asia where many men have extramarital affairs and usually don't divorce their wives. It is inherently morally wrong to have affairs. I feel bad for their wives. However, your husband admitted to his affair and said he would stop it. So, if you can't survive on your own at your age, then please be smart and re-think your situation. I'm not saying you have to forgive him but honestly, can you make it on your own?

I do hope you are able to survive on your own since you are determined to end your marriage. So, yes, I support your efforts if this is the case.

In either case, I wish you the very best!! Also, please don't drag your son into this situation. He is already fighting his own battles with autism. Please be nice to him and don't give him another problem to deal with. Just my two cents!
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diRektive
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Default Oct 10, 2021 at 06:31 PM
  #10
Bunty, reading your story makes my heart go out to you. I was much the same way with my wife during the divorce; wanting to still be close and have that sense of comfort. From my perspective, you are seeking that comfort from the idea of your husband, not necessarily your husband himself. That person you imagined he was isn't who he really is; you may be seeking the idea of him. The reality is, that person doesn't exist - the most important person now is you. I know you had said you don't have the means to leave but that should not leave you beholden to him. I think the first steps would be to get yourself stabilized - no drastic lows - and put together a plan of how to extradite yourself from the situation in the safest way possible (economically, I mean). It may take a while, and you'll have to deal with someone being cold, but ultimately you don't want to stay in that situation nor do you want to put yourself at risk by rushing it for the sake of getting away. All too often in these situations we can be blinded by merely the fact of being in the middle of it; a forest for the trees situation. The good thing about this is that others who are removed from the situation may be able to break it down into simpler, smaller parts that can be accomplished sequentially. My main message would be to set a goal, whether that goal is to move away or whichever you come up with, but it should be with the aim to free you of this relationship and to set you on a path for a better, happier time. Then you might try working backwards - if my goal is to be on my own with a stable platform to recover, what comes before that? What comes before that? Walk it all the way back to where you are now and it might lay out a path of reasonable steps to follow back to that goal. I wish you the utter best of luck and am terribly sorry you find yourself in this position.
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Have Hope
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Default Oct 11, 2021 at 11:37 AM
  #11
@BuntyBooks, are you able to return to your home of origin and rely on your family to support you? That is the only way I see you getting out of this situation, unless somehow, you can find work to support yourself and be able to live on your own, possibly with spousal support through a divorce.

Loneliness is a real thing and a painful experience for certain, but you CAN DO THIS!!! Stay busy, get active and problem solve your way out of this situation you found yourself in. Talk to your family members and ask for help, is my advice.

And your soon to be ex husband did a despicable thing. The RIGHT thing to have done was to end the marriage BEFORE deciding to cheat on you and have an affair. Affairs only create pain, anger, rage and sorrow. I'm so very sorry that he did that to you!

And please PLEASE show yourself self respect and do NOT ask your ex to cuddle with you. He cheated on you, he abandoned the relationship AND you... you are only hurting yourself more by doing this.

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Ralah
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Default Oct 20, 2021 at 07:57 AM
  #12
I've been thinking about you BuntyBooks, I hope you're ok. Check in with us and let us know how you're doing (if you want to of course).
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BuntyBooks
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Default Oct 20, 2021 at 09:39 AM
  #13
Thank you so much all you lovely people…my situation is still the same sad story but i have made one huge leap, i have seen a solicitor….love, strength and best wishes to you all xxx
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Ralah
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Default Oct 20, 2021 at 09:05 PM
  #14
That is a huge leap. Hopefully the solicitor will be able to give you some much needed guidance, and some good news to help you move forward - at least with the logistical aspects of the situation. Stay strong and take care of yourself!
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Default Nov 01, 2021 at 09:02 PM
  #15
Remember to take care of your mental health.. my life left me 2 months ago and I am so lost . Can't see a future without her, but of course there is life beyond these very tough times. Peace and good vibes to you
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