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NorfolkBoy
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Member Since: Oct 2021
Location: Norfolk
Posts: 1
2 yr Member
Default Oct 21, 2021 at 05:19 AM
  #1
My wife left me just over a week ago. I am struggling to cope just day to day. I don't know what to do. I am so lonely especially in the evenings. I'm in the family home and whilst our eldest is at Uni, I have three teens here with me and I'm trying to maintain things. Whilst my wife and I have had some relationship issues, in my opinion we have never really done much about it, either between the two of us or getting external help. For her to get up and walk out without any talking without any trying to resolve things, after over 20 years, I find an insult to me. She is a great mother and a health professional, so whilst she knows betters she still dragged the three teens out of school on the day, and drove them about 150 miles away to be with her at her sisters. Only to return 2 days later. So much for not involving the kids and minimising the changes to their routine. The lack of any communication since is also hard to handle. I must have sent her 100 whatsapp messages asking for some information of any sort. I've tried to speak to her in person but she blocks be out and leaves the room (she is at a mutual friends at present). What is hard for me to accept is... well, all of it... yes we had issues but I took ownership of mine and I don't believe she did for her own. Added to this is a background for us both. I had a mental breakdown about 4 years ago. I have been a lot better for the last 2 years. I think she felt as if she moved from partner to carer and then could not go back. But there are issues she faces; also long term depression, we lost a child 17 years ago and although a year ago she acknowledged she had still not got over the bereavement and needed help, she never did anything about getting that help. The menopause hit her hard; yet no action to soften the effects so major mood swings. Plus it really made her unable to sleep properly so has not had a decent nights sleep for about 3 years. She works full time hours across a 4 days week. On her day off she also did extra shifts to do the covid injections at a local centre. So yes it was hectic lifestyle but one that had been chosen. We moved about 15 years ago to be about 200+ miles from both sets of parents and our siblings (aunts/uncles for kids) and so we have never had much by way of family support. So much so that we never had a honeymoon and never ever had even a night away from home together as we always had the children (one came along before we married). Additionally she has really suffered across covid... far from family and then blocked from visiting them for so long. Even her role became zoom based and she couldn't cope with the lack of people contact and had to get special permission to make changes to enable some human contact in an office (with social distancing) to help her cope with the stress and anxiety the virus created. So much of this I feel she has not taking into consideration, taken her own ownership for and as a result I feel that I've become the victim. I'm not sure if this is me only wishing to find an excuse. But I have taken ownership of my issues and been trying to address them and I've tried to involve her. She walked out, no explanation, no commication since, I feel I have caused the family to breakup. My own family background is not great and so it makes me want a truly great family and she knows this, so it hurts more to feel that I could be the cause of a broken home for my own children. I'm struggling with my emotions and as she is not talking or responding to messages I find I'm talking to the eldest at home, my daughter is 15. she is hearing too much of the wrong stuff (I'm not being critical of her mother), I'm just wanting information to help me process things, to help me to accept to help me to understand. One of few messages I have is this morning "I have found a house locally. I move in next week" (thats it). I have asked what she wants from our home and what she has in mind with regards to financials on a few occasions and yet I hear nothing. This adds uncertainty and worry to my situation. On my own I cannot afford to stay in this house on my income alone. I've not taken any legal advice as feel unable at present as until hearing that she has another house I was hoping to let things get calmer and then talk things over. I love her to bits and do not want to move on. Even if I get over this and were to find someone else as a true best friend and life partner, I know I would still be thinking I've failed first time around and let my kids down. I'm now 52 and feel I cannot get through this. I have made suicide plans. I have not told her as don't want to bribe her into returning. I have few people to support me. (my parents are 200 miles away and around 90 one with dementia so I can't even tell them what is happening.) I am just on the right side of the danger line for my own safety. I know I don't want to end my life and I know the impact on the children would be worse than the present situation. The worrying thing is that I now often think that is something that may just have to be as at least then I'm not here dealing with my emotions. One can see how this is a slippery slope and how things can get bad really quick. What advice support is there from you or others out there? what can I do? I think I'll now have to call someone to help me get out of this now low mood I'm in.#

Last edited by bluekoi; Oct 21, 2021 at 11:08 AM.. Reason: Move post to own thread.
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Yaowen
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Default Oct 21, 2021 at 02:07 PM
  #2
I am so sorry that you have been forced into these awful ordeals. Sometimes a traumatic event, like the one you suffered can lead to clinical depression. This happened to me but is still to painful to talk about. I was helped by seeing my family physician and getting medical help for depression. Of course this did not solve all my problems but it helped me a lot. I don't know if that would be helpful to you since I am not a doctor or medical professional.

I think it is good that you are able to express into words what happened to you and is still happening. Hopefully you will feel welcome to lean on us when you are feeling lonely and overwhelmed. This site helps me a lot when I am desperately lonely and overcome with powerful but happy emotions. I think your feelings are completely understandable in the circumstances. I hope, sincerely hope you find some real relief and can get some peace of mind and joy of living back into your life. You deserve that!

Your post helps me a lot and I hope you will continue to post here.
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Broken Old Man
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Location: Colorado
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Default Oct 21, 2021 at 03:03 PM
  #3
Welcome Norfolk,

I'm sorry you find yourself here.
There is a lot in your post that strikes me, but I'll focus only on one thing.
You have your daughters at home with you. More than anything else, they need you to be there for them now.
I encourage you to focus on the, possibly look at getting them and yourself into some counseling. It sounds to me like you can all use it...especially if you are having suicidal thoughts.
Your wife is going to do what your wife is going to do for her own reasons. You have no control over that and if you do try to control her at this point, you will only push her farther away.
You have more than enough to keep you busy and occupied right now. These things take time. Use this time to get closer with your daughters and work on your own issues. We all have issues.

BOM
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Billyboy1232
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Location: Trenton nj
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2 yr Member
Default Oct 21, 2021 at 06:24 PM
  #4
its so tough, my wife left me about two months ago.. I raised stepchildren and they are grown.. so find myself along in a big home.... you will go through many emotions and maybe even some depression. first, find a good therapst... work hard not to put your kids in the middle of things.. you need to have people to talk to when needed.. not your kids.... talk care of your mental health, so you can take care of your kids....

stay in present, the past we cannot change and we have no control of the future.. so one day at a time...

peace to you
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Ralah
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Default Oct 22, 2021 at 07:01 AM
  #5
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can relate, I am going through many of the same feelings myself and it is the worst trauma of my life.

Somebody wrote something on a forum that has helped me a little bit so I will repeat it here. That is to live day to day as though you have a future, even if you don't believe it is true right now. I've latched onto that, and so I get out of bed and try to force myself to eat food and do some work etc. I really don't believe I will ever be happy again but I've been wrong before in life, many times actually, so maybe I'm wrong now too.

Sorry if this isn't much help, but if nothing else at least know that you are not alone in your feelings. I hope things get better for you.
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Keeptalking71
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Member Since: Nov 2021
Location: South Africa
Posts: 3
2 yr Member
Default Nov 02, 2021 at 04:49 AM
  #6
Hi NorfolkBoy,

Wow, so much of your story is just like mine. It was one year and one week ago that my wife left me and our child, with little to no warning. It hurts badly, if you are like me it's like a bomb went off next to you...you walk around in a daze, you can almost hear it ringing in your ears.

I really want to encourage you to seek help, even if it is just a call to Samaritans, about the suicidal thoughts. I find your description of feeling those thoughts very familiar and completely understandable. I'm relieved you have kept your own children firmly in mind when deciding whether to go through with it. Yes, it will be far more devastating for them to lose you, than to come to terms with a divorce. And sitting here typing at "one year and one week", I can promise you you will start to feel better. I still take a dip downwards, which is why I am here today, but overall it does get better.

One thing I did was sit down (with a glass of wine) and list out all the things I could now do that i couldn't when I was with my Ex Wife. This included everything from eating fish at home (she hated it, I love it), to watching horror movies in my pants, to places I'd always fancied visiting on holiday that she didn't... and yes, even dating.

It's not 100% fool-proof, but in therapy I had a breakthrough that I was driving myself insane trying to answer the "why?". I realised it really didn't matter. All that mattered was that she didn't love me anymore and that's all there is to it. It at least gave me a singular reality to hang my hat on, rather than driving myself nuts over all the details and nitty-gritty.

I found strength and hope through a new relationship. A lady I had been distant friends with for 12 years. We went for dinner with neither of us having much expectation other than fresh conversation, and breaking the monotony of being single-parents who didn't get out much. Whilst many therapists sound the alarm bells at this sort of thing so soon after a split, in my case my therapist quizzed me heavily and gave her seal of approval (for the relationship being healthy and that it could continue).

Hang in there. It does get better.
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