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Confusedandalone99
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Member Since: Oct 2021
Location: Oxfordshire, UK
Posts: 1
2 yr Member
Default Oct 25, 2021 at 07:59 AM
  #1
Right this is my first time on a forum. I am so confused. I do still have feelings for my husband of 22yrs (I think - not sure it is enough though) we are still intimate with each other occasionally. I don't feel like we are the same people anymore. We have 2 children 16 and 21. 16yr old son has left as he can't live in the same house as my husband. (Very long additional story there) my 21yr old daughter still lives at home. I don't think our relationship is healthy. I have tried talking to him but I do feel there are some emotional abuse issues so I end up getting stonewalled or gaslight and then he sulks and the tension is so bad I basically cave in to relieve the atmosphere. Everyone thinks he is lovely and would do anything for anyone but that is not the reality. He is moody and aggressive with words not physical. I am financially independent he works but sporadically. I am scared to leave (tried 12 months ago and
Possible trigger:
he has no real family or support. Has both depression and addiction issues. Sounds easy right? GET OUT. Much harder to actually do though. How do I actually start planning. I don't want to disappear, we have kids and that feels cruel. But trying to have a conversation is impossible too. I am so worried about the fact I was 21 now 43 haven't really been on my own. I have anxiety and self esteem issues. I am not thinking about anyone else but I am a little scared to be on my own. (Even though I feel like that anyway!) I have asked for us to go to relate etc but he says we are fine our issues are with the kids, he really doesn't see his behaviour. Ridiculously he sees it in other people or TV and comments about how awful it is to do that to someone. I don't know if I am being selfish and unreasonable but the kids, home and every domestic aspect are my responsibility and it is all just so hard. Sorry ended up in a massive ramble but I really needed to get it all out. Any advice from anyone in a similar situation? Thanks. (I have contacted a therapist today to explore my feelings and help me to make a decision)

Last edited by bluekoi; Oct 25, 2021 at 10:47 AM.. Reason: Apply trigger code.
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Mynewreality
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Mynewreality has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2021
Location: Iowa
Posts: 2
2 yr Member
Default Oct 30, 2021 at 09:57 AM
  #2
I’m new here as well. And have some similarities to your situation. I’ve been with my husband 20 years, married 11 of those years. I guess things started to change in 2016. As I think back to then, I see that I was the only one making an effort to make this work. Conversation with him was always one-sided. Even til today I can pour my heart out and he won’t even respond. Or if he does he tells me that all I ever do is complain and he’s getting tired of hearing it. Sometimes I just laugh to mask the pain because this is someone I’ve been with for a long time, who up until 5 years ago was my best friend. Listened, offered advice, encouraged me, had my back and never let me down. Confused is exactly the feeling I have because I can’t understand where that person went. It’s so heartbreaking dealing with someone you no longer know. So many years together you’re attached and fear leaving. You fear that you’ll never find someone better. Mainly because of the abuse you’ve suffered from him. Gaslighting and love bombing is abuse. That man is a narcissist and as I tell you I am also speaking to myself. It is time to leave. What that man is doing not only harms you, but harms your children as well. And as easy as I am saying leave. It’s not so easy to do. I most definitely understand. I decided yesterday I would find a support group and that’s what led me here. I know others are going through this and have been through this and with this and Gods help, I hope to be able to leave for good and finally get some healing. I hope and pray the same for you as well.
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