New member ambivalent about divorce

Hi everyone,
Not sure where to start. I've been married for 30+ years. the marriage had plenty of ups and downs. Both of us are highly sensitive and emotional persons with plenty of differences (the opposite personality styles), so there were plenty of fights and sparks fly from time to time. She likes to raise voice and scream, i fight back by swearing. We lack self restrain in those moments, but i learned to walk away lately.


There is plenty of mental health issues and both of us had childhood trauma and suffer from various degrees of cPTSD/PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, and possibly personality disorders, none of that officially diagnosed. She was treated a few times for anxiety and I was for depression. That in part explains why we have so many sensitive buttons and tend to trigger each other.


I've been practicing self awareness and self growth for a few years now and discovering different layers of issues hiding inside me. Some of that is very traumatic and the change triggers grief. This year was about the worst for me. Covid, financial loses, stress at work. But also a discovery of codependency to my wife and trying to remove myself from it. It almost killed me, i crashed and was suicidal for a moment. fortunately, i got treatment for depression and started therapy.


I got a bit better since, but sex ceased to exist and i often isolated myself to a guest room. I was able to get a good support from 7cups.com and even befriended a good soul there. the more i recovered, the more i saw my dysfunctional marriage and how my wife can be a toxic, judgmental, and mean person, as opposed to anonymous kind strangers. I slowly resigned myself to give up on the marriage and consider divorce.


this weekend i snapped after my wife threw away my barely used audio equipment. She believes in minimalism, her style. She buys new things for her and throws away
my stuff if i don’t use it in a few months. since i’ve been depressed, i wasn’t able to do any hobbies or even stand up to her. to date, she threw away my older PC and the game system. i told her in no uncertain terms she is not to touch my stuff, but she doesn't take no for answer. She is also controlling and jealous, especially of any female friends.

So, anyhow, this weekend i decided enough is enough and told her i can’t take it anymore and i want divorce. Since then, I have been researching about the process, the pitfalls, and hardships. Reading about it made me scared. That it’s too hard to go through that in my fragile shape. I’m hearing about rampant depression, drug, and alcohol problems that i have problems with already, even before the divorce. Reading this forum itself shows the difficulties people go through. So much so, Monday morning i was too anxious to go to work, but was able to medicate myself with anti anxiety meds, to function well enough. This is contrast to what i’ve been hearing from the friends, that if i make a decision to leave this dysfunctional relationship i will feel instant relief.

Not sure what to believe anymore. What is the correct instinct. Instinct to leave or instinct to stay. Or maybe there is no good answer and either way it's lose-lose?

Please stop me if i’m setting myself for a failure. I started discussing that with my therapist but I’m on on a third one in a few months and i’m hearing that i need to find a new one now, because the previous one left. What a mess.

Thank you for reading this sad book of my life and thank you for any kind remarks you might have.

PS: not everything is lost, as i’m considered to be an accomplished professional and have 2 fairly successful grown up kids, but it doesn’t seem to help me much. Logic and emotions are 2 different things and emotionally I’m a mess.

Greetings. It is very nice to meet you.

Welcome to the Forums.

There are many, many people here going through separations or divorce or the aftermath of these, so I think you will find this site helpful.

Having never been married, I don't really know how to helpful in the situation you describe. Hopefully many members here will see your post and respond to it with empathy, understanding and helpful insights.

I wish you only the best. You must be going through such a terrible time and I can't even imagine how heavy are the burdens you bear!

I have never experienced marriage, but I have been in toxic relationships. Leaving them is scary, and something within tends to cling to what is familiar out of fear of the unknown. I wouldn't be able to tell you if divorce will make things easier, I heard divorces can be a lot to handle. But it also sounds like this relationship isn't healthy for you. Something I was taught to do is write out the pros and cons of a situation and compare to gain some perspective. This might help you see things more clearly.

I extend genuine empathy toward you, because, this sounds like a tough situation and relationship. I think if someone threw away my PC I would flip out. Married or not, there are boundaries that deserve to be respected. It doesn't sound like she respects your boundaries, you, or your possessions.

Yaowen and cinnamonsum. Thanks for listening and your empathic replies. Sometimes writing down the grievances helps. I made a decision to go through couple therapy first before proceeding with separation or divorce. I'm scheduling it now. I'll let you know how it goes. I don't have any serious expectations it will work, so I'm not setting myself for a disappointment.

update, we're going through the motions of counseling. So far, the sessions (both joint and individual) are about him taking a background situation. meeting once a week makes it a very slow process. in the meantime, i'm looking closely at our dysfunctional communication and how each of us emotionally triggers the other due to lots of unresolved trauma in ourselves. amygdala hijack describes it the best. the problem is any knowledge or logical thinking is ineffective till we develop some strategies to not let ourselves to be hijacked by toxic emotions.


to be continued...