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DevastatedinAZ
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Member Since: Nov 2021
Location: Arizona
Posts: 33
2 yr Member
Default Dec 23, 2021 at 07:32 PM
  #21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tjpg View Post
Hey Jeff,

I think you should take a moment and be proud of yourself for not only being an adult about this whole situation, but for starting to really search yourself and find out what YOU want. Its difficult to ask yourself the hard questions/life changing questions when you realise that you are better than how you are being treated and whether or not you will stand for it against someone that you love, and that is hard. I'm happy to hear that she is getting some help through therapy. Its amazing how helpful a therapist can be.
It sounds like you are being kind to yourself, and taking things as they come. Try not to plan out what every move will be, you might find it completely exhausts you over time.

Tessa
Thanks Tessa. I am trying to take one day at a time.

Last Saturday was not a good day, negative phone conversation. I was told again that therapy would not be successful for us by her. I moved to then tell her that we need to accept this is what it is and remove everything else off the table. Just co-parent and we can text things about the kids to remain in touch. But maybe its time to move on for both of us. She countered and rolled things back a bit by saying how can therapy work or even a relationship if we can’t even be nice or civil to one another? She included herself in that question

Fair point. Is she wanting to see if we can be nice and civil to one another as a stepping stone? I believe we have 3 options for us… co-parents, friends or an intimate relationship. I have already been overly explicit about being ‘friend zoned’. Not going to happen. We have way too much history, 3 kids, house, assets etc… No. Her response was, “You are not going to be friend zoned.” Ok.. that leaves co-parents or intimate relationship. All or nothing.

Monday, I wrote her a text that basically said I commit to her that I will be nice and civil with the hope that we could move this forward and see if there is anything left for us. She read it, but did not respond.

Monday night, we met up as a family for a sporting event and watch our youngest scrimmage. I was teasing the kids the entire time and within ten feet of her. We looked at each other, smiled, nothing serious. Afterwards while waiting for our youngest, the 4 of us stood in a circle and just started bantering with one another like we have always done in the family. Its all about the natural selection process in our family. You strike or be struck with sarcasm. So for 20 minutes, our other two kids got after each other. My (ex)wife and I teased each other with laughing and joking. She had a hoodie on and took that off when we started standing next to each other laughing and joking. (I don’t know if that means anything by removing the hoodie. Id like to think it was due to allowing me to see her fitted clothing) After that, we left as a family of 5 with her in front and I was looking backwards to finish some jokes, turned back to the front and she had STOPPED. I almost plowed into her and it would not have been good. I am 6’3, 230lbs and she is 5’3, 110lbs. She looks at me with a sheepish grin… “You are a little jumpy tonight.” Nice… I nearly ran you over and you are getting after me? Good joke, we laughed.

While leaving (I was looking away) two other dads in the group were mouthing “WTF is going on?” To me for which I have no answer. Later that night, another 2 parents reached out to me and asked what was going on? They said, for two people divorcing, it sure doesn’t look like it! If they didn’t know what we were going through, they would have thought we were the happiest couple/family on the team.
Then comes Tuesday night. The kids joined a fundraiser tournament and everyone was in attendance.

We walk into the park as a group, kids break off and she and I want together to the courts. She says, “Oh good! My table is open!” (huh? Ok) She walks up to this little table that seats 2 with 2 chairs, turns around to me and asks, “Are you going to be sitting with your friends? Or are you going to sit with me?” (my turn, wtf?) Me being the playful jerk … I ask, “Are you asking me to sit with you?” “Only if you want to…” she says. Another joke, loaded… DELETE! I cant imagine the amount of courage it took her to throw it out there and ask me if I wanted to sit with her… So I re-directed… and said, “I would love to sit with you, if you will have me?” She responds, “Ok, good!”

During the first match, she gets up to go watch the kids on the far side. Later, I walk over to the court on the near side and watch the same game. I see her looking over to where I WAS and not locating me. Frantic look right and left to find me. She locates me on the other side of the same court and begins WAVING her hands like a crazy person trying to flag me down. Dumbfounded, I make sure she is wanting my attention, she confirms it. Then starts waving me to come over to where she is sitting down. (where two chairs are located, she is using one) I walk over and she asks me if I would sit down next to her. Sure. While watching the kids play, we are talking, joking and teasing each other while laughing. Kids are annoyed turning around and looking at us. When the game is over, we walk shoulder to shoulder back to our original table. This happens several more times throughout the night.

On one occasion, our daughter drops off her socks (dirty, muddy, cold and wet, gross) on the bleachers by me. She and I are sitting 2-3 feet apart from each other with no one else sitting by us. We are talking about the gross socks. Me being me… I picked up the socks and throw them at her and get her in the face and ear and neck. I am hollowing at this point laughing so hard and she is angry laughing and says, “You are such a child!” Thank you I say… Kids are annoyed with us again. Later in the same match, I am into the game, keeping score, all serious! She scoots over to me and smashes those same socks into the side of my face, ear and neck. I scream! She says you scream like a girl! I yell back, “God, you are such a child!” She is hollowing and I am grossed out from being violated. Kids are annoyed yet again.

So that is pretty much the rest of the 3.5 hour evening. I took orders for the kids to hit the snack bar for food/drinks and asked her if she wants anything. She says, “Can I come with? You know what, I am coming with!” OK… so we walk to the snack bar, grab stuff and come back. (did that again later in the night) Volleyball coaches and directors are looking at us walking together smiling and just watching us…

Another parent was there sitting with her and I. After she got up to go watch the kids play, he leans over to me and says… Im 80 years old, I have been divorced one, married now for 30 years and I have seen a lot of sh**. This… between you two… I don’t understand what is going on… What is going on? I know how you feel… but she is engaging you more than you are engaging her. You guys look like a happily married couple. What gives? I have no idea I tell him…

At the end, we split up to go to our respective locations and she says, “Have a great night, please drive home safe.” I respond with, “You too! Have a great night and please be safe driving home.”

Later that night at home, I am having dinner with the 18yo lad and he tells me, “Dad… I was watching you and mom tonight.” Ok, why? “He says, it was kind of hard not too! You guys were joined at the hip the entire evening. Neither one of you would leave each others side. You were constantly talking, joking and laughing with each other.” I said I know, I don’t know whats going on son. He says, “Whats going on dad?” I don’t know… I am just taking one day at a time and see where this goes…
Still confused… Clearly, it appears she has changed gears to be “civil and nice” as per her request and my confirmation text back to her.

This appears to be a good or a positive encounter. I get the feeling that these kinds of interactions, playful banter, flirting was what she misses between us. I just don’t know what to take away from it, if anything. I received confirmation from others in our proximity that they are noticing it as well.

Any thoughts from your guys on the outside looking in after a cold read?
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Thanks for this!
workinonit32

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DevastatedinAZ
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DevastatedinAZ has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2021
Location: Arizona
Posts: 33
2 yr Member
Default Dec 23, 2021 at 07:37 PM
  #22
I need to add and forgot... Besides her asking me to sit with her, calling me over to the other side of the court, ramming dirty socks into each other's faces... I cant tell you how many times we looked into each others eyes while delivering a joke at the others expense. 3-4-5 seconds... Lots of smiling and laughing... I was relaxed and having fun. I detected she was relaxed (finally) and having fun with me. None of the D-word anxiety, no labels for each others actions...

It was just her and me... I enjoyed the time... I am hoping she did.
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