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DevastatedinAZ
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Default Nov 05, 2021 at 10:37 AM
  #1
Hello all,

I am not even sure what I am doing here or why I am posting. First post…

Back in early September, my wife of 21yrs of marriage (27 total) total me that she wanted a separation and needed to leave the house for her mother’s. We have been together and known each other since we were teenagers. I was devastated at hearing this news… I even threw up…

I knew we were a little more distant than normal, but I thought that was the period of time, good and the bad, the up and the down… But she went on to tell me that I did not prioritize her as a wife… that she felt lonely, that she felt we were roommates instead of a married couple. That we lack emotional intimacy and it was time she needed “time and space”. I talked to her and asked if there was anything we could do to work on us, or go see a marriage counselor… She became angry and said “now you want to go to therapy?” I said I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage.

Needless to say, she left the house that day… It was a Saturday… and on Wednesday, she was filing for divorce.

We met as teenagers and I was struck by lightning when I first saw her. We became friends and then started dating. She was the end all be all for me. We got married in 2000 and by 2003, welcomed our son to the family. In 2006, we had a daughter and in 2008, another daughter.

I guess I consider myself the fixer of all things… whatever she wanted, I got for her. We were both very much in love. She wanted a car, we got a car. I kept the house up, kept the cars running… I did everything around us so she did not have to… and perhaps that was my fault.

We got her set up after kids with breast implants (2010ish), then completed the mommy makeover for her stomach. She had a partial hysterectomy, gallbladder surgery… Breast implants 11 years later to replace the old.

All the while I took care of her… I guess I did it well because she always wanted out of the hospital and to go home earlier so I could take care of her. In 2017, while at work, she was involved in a car accident that messed up her neck. She needed a cervical fusion to fix what was wrong. Her neck is still not right but no one will touch her. She apparently needs a large surgery for her neck next, something that involves a cage. I cared for her for 2-3 months after that surgery waking up in the middle of the night early to prepare her pain meds, get a glass of water, pudding and/or granola bar. Wake her up, give her the meds and have her go back to bed. I would log the meds and calculate the next time I needed to be up and set my alarm. I slept on the couch next to her. Tough sleeping then… but I had the easy part, she was in pain.

She had a hip issue relating to the accident that we did not figure out until 2020. The labrum was torn almost all the way around. She developed drop foot, nerve pain down the leg… But we got that fixed up for her but she was bed ridden for 2 months… I helped her crutch over to the bathroom and back… up and down the stairs to the Dr appts… I stayed in bed with her for 2 months working beside her on my laptop. I did not want her to feel alone. And if she needed anything, I was there to go get it. We ordered dinner to have it dropped off at the door and then the 3 kids would bring it up and we would eat as a family in our master bedroom.

Recalling one surgery in the past, she developed a heart issue coming out of the operating room where her heart was racing. Nurses could not bring it down and were freaking out. She demanded that they get her husband (me)… finally they did. I walked in the back to find me, held her hand, kissed her on the forehead and told her “I am here…” Within 2-3 minutes, her heart rate came down to a normal level and the nurses did not know what to say.

I fear that the 2017 accident impacted her mentally where she may have felt broken. Neck being problems… hip… she used to spin cycle, we would go walking/jogging, she would do yoga… She is 5’3 and usually 125-130lbs. She was solid and athletic. But after the accident, she could no longer spin cycle, walking was a chore until fixed or even working out. She no longer works out to this day.

Today, still 5’3 but barely pushing 110 lbs. She is frail looking in the legs and arms… Her stomach and chest look great. I tried my best to find supplements to add calories so she could gain weight. She did not eat much… Looking back, I wonder if she was unhappy with her life?

She tends to be a vane person, looks were always important for herself and how she saw herself. My support group feels that she is unhappy with herself, that her face is aging (42yo) and that she may feel broken because of her neck and hip. When I saw her a few days ago for kid drop off, she wore baggy pants and a skin tight bodysuit top with make up on. They say she is covering up her legs and butt area but letting the top half shine given the work. So this may show she is trying to show her what she thinks is her best assets. I know she is self conscious about her face.

So we are two months into this separation/divorce… I want reconciliation and she continues to decline. She has called me a narcissist, manipulating, controlling husband and I am abusive in our relationship. I am heart broken.

Search of phone records turns up a phone number that shows she talked to someone for 44 hours over 2 months and 100s of text messages. I confronted about this guy, who she used to work with 5-6 years ago and he was just a “friend” in need of help with a live in girlfriend. Ok…

What, do you think I am whoring around now? Is that what you think I have become? I have way too much respect for you. I could never do that to you. I believed her.

During the first 4 weeks of separation, when we spoke on the phone, it would escalate into her yelling at me over the relationship, everything was my fault… I did not validate her feelings or make her feel heard… I never made her a priority… finances are all my fault… So I had to write an email to her saying that we need to establish boundaries here and maybe writing emails is the best approach now. I no longer wish to be her punching bag on the phone for things she was aware of while she participated in during our relationship. She had no idea how to respond…

She even brought her (our?) Acura sedan over to inquire about things that need to be fixed on it… another tight bodysuit and daisy duke shorts. Seems odd or overkill for kid dropoff. I topped her oil off and told her I do not feel comfortable working on the car (boundaries) given the circumstances. She looked at me like I “cannot believe you aren’t going to work on car.” Thought it was odd at the time but, again, now I know why. I am glad I did that now, I would’ve felt like a fool if I did fix everything.

I was under the guise or hope that she was coming over to reel me back in or gauge my interest in her still after the boundary email? Or was it to manipulate me into working on her car?

By the middle of October, I had a photo of her car parked in the carport of this guys house spending the night. And the following weekend, she spent Friday night again… So I guess I have my answer… the emotional affair has turned physical now and I now know which direction she is going.

6 weeks…

I have been in therapy for nearly 2 months now trying to grow, change, self reflect and learn how my behavior can impact others that I have relationships with… the idea was to self improve and maybe get my wife back.

While I think she was unhappy… it bothers me that she left me in limbo during the separation until I found out my answer. She would say things like, “If we got back together, how would it be different?” or “I cant go back to the way it was…” Even the therapist was optimistic… she never provided me with EXPLICIT and CRYSTAL CLEAR language that she is NEVER coming back. I guess you find this in divorces more? The one spouse is crystal clear so that the other spouse can accept it, move on and speed up the legal process?

I never received that… so I kept fighting thinking I had hope…

She wrote me an email telling me that our two teenage daughters find Sunday kid exchange deeply stressful and chaotic. And as parents, we need to make sure we keep those levels to a minimum. So she thinks we should change kid drop off to Mondays now. Mondays are a school day, a work day for me… This smells like she wants her weekends off so that she can go run off with her new pookie. I wrote back and said I disagree. The kids are fun and it is only Sunday. We need to exchange the kids that day so we are not chasing around during the school/work week. I made the email entirely about the kids. Instead of her version which really seems like she was trying to manufacture a crisis so she can move the exchange to Mondays and have the entire weekend to herself.

Now, I have to accept that this is over. I am mourning the loss of the relationship dearly. I am mourning what I perceive to be my wife and best friend changing into something I do not recognize.

Feedback I have received from friends and family is that this seems to be some sort of midlife crisis? I have researched that and it seems to come close to fitting. She had a rough childhood with parents divorcing, Dad leaving the family when she was 5, mom has a mental illness and would kick her out of the house or send her to live with grandparents because mom was unable to care for her. So there appears to be childhood trauma there that could be impacting her relationship.

I’ve also heard this could be what is affecting her low self esteem? Low self esteem from childhood can impact her ability to love herself from the inside? From what I have read, it is not my job to fill that void for her, that is something she needed to fill on her own. So failure was WHEN it happened, not IF. This may explain why she says I never paid attention to her or the emotional neglect that I showed her.

So that is my story… I am sad… I am devastated… I lost my girl, my family is fractured and now I have to start a new life that includes finding myself as a single parent. I do not know what that looks like as I have been apart of a team for the past 27 years.

Thanks for reading.
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Default Nov 05, 2021 at 04:11 PM
  #2
What an utterly heartbreaking situation. Just so heartbreaking. Wish I knew what to say that would help. Can't even begin to imagine what you must go through day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.

People are so mysterious and I have really given up trying to understand why people do some of the things they do. The human brain is so complex and sometimes the tools we use to understand it seem quite primitive, like taking apart and trying to fix a fine Swiss watch with picks and sledge hammers. Psychology is such a young science compared to the other empirical sciences.

But hopefully you will find these Forums helpful to you in your distress. I have failed so many times in relationships that I am not at all qualified to offer insight or advice. There are many folks here, though that are going through separations and divorce and I really hope they see your post and respond to it in a kindly and really helpful way. You don't deserve the terrible burden of distress that you bear!
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DevastatedinAZ
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Default Nov 26, 2021 at 01:45 AM
  #3
I have stayed in therapy to work on myself. Discussions with my spouse have open up recently and we discussed the relationship at length and I asked if about couples therapy…

She said, “I don’t know…” (minor win!)

Later in the 4hr conversation, we talked about it, felt she might come around and asked again… She said, “Let me think about it. Im not giving you an answer tonight!” Fine! That is all I can ask for…

That was 2 weeks ago… During the last 2 weeks, we started texting, she called every other day, we were laughing and joking/teasing… I was on cloud 9 with optimism… If I could get her to couples therapy, maybe we will have a shot!

Yesterday morning, she called me, I shouldn’t have picked up but who knew, and she was in a bad mood.

Nothing I said or did was right… Almost like an ambush. And she told me, “Im done! Im done! Im done! I don’t want therapy! I don’t want reconciliation!” I said lets please hold onto this conversation and come back to it. You sounds quite angry. She said she made up her mind…

So this is tough… I was devastated and depressed because she filed for divorce on me… then for the past 2-3 weeks, things seem to tick up and there was a sense of optimism… and then yesterday it came crashing down… I almost feel played with or like a puppet. Sounds bad… but why tell me you are researching therapy and it yields great results. She asks for time to “think about it” and then just breaks me one morning because she is in a bad mood.

Back to being broken and devastated… depressed… sad… Not a great update.
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Default Nov 27, 2021 at 08:10 PM
  #4
I think your e-mails about boundaries was a great idea. Boundaries as I'm sure you know lets you take control of any personal situation and control is so important while going through times when you feel lost. Logic over emotion is a term I heard that helps set boundaries and could help when it comes to your wife. Logic over emotion especially if she likes to play with your head like that.
Take care
Tessa
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Default Nov 28, 2021 at 01:28 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tjpg View Post
I think your e-mails about boundaries was a great idea. Boundaries as I'm sure you know lets you take control of any personal situation and control is so important while going through times when you feel lost. Logic over emotion is a term I heard that helps set boundaries and could help when it comes to your wife. Logic over emotion especially if she likes to play with your head like that.
Take care
Tessa

Hi Tessa,

Thank you. I agree with you. Boundaries are important.

That is what I don’t understand I guess. These past 2-3 weeks appeared to be so positive, I was starting to get interested/excited about the idea that maybe she wants to go to therapy and SEE if this can be worked out. Only for her to drop the hammer on me and say she is done, no therapy, no reconciliation.

I was like filling a balloon full of optimism and then popping it with a sharp needle. Was she even or ever considering therapy or is this a game to play with my head? Is she truly lost as well? Or is this retaliation for something she perceives?

I am trying to apply logic over emotion but it is so challenging due to the emotional nature of this matter. It feels like I am trying to constantly stick a square peg in a round hole. Never going to happen.

It is just difficult to move forward. I lost my best friend, my companion, my lover and my wife all in a single shot.

Jeff
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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 01:23 AM
  #6
I was looking for the support group and found your post. Here's my current situation.

20yrs of marriage and heading for divorce. I didn't expect it when my husband told me so I was shocked. He told me he's been living and serving for others in his life and now he wants to live his life for himself. He wants to find the purpose of his life.

Long story short, I found out he already met someone lives in outside of US. So, they haven't seen each other, just video chat and email. He told me that we've been separated for a while and doesn't think anything wrong with it. I've never peeked into his cell or email before but I found out they are exchanging emails like lovers and also found out they met a matching site. When I saw his browsing history, I also found out he's been searching for very young women on the site.

We have 12 and 18 years old daughters. Now, I'm living with them and he is living at his sister's place. I just couldn't understand why he couldn't wait to start new relationship until our marriage is officially over.

I'm just wondering after read your post. Why do you still want her back? Is it love or attachment? I realized one day that I just have an attachment with this marriage, not love towards him. Then, I let go. It took for a year and a half since he told me to divorce, he moved to the apartment, found out about another woman, he moved to his sister's and found out about the matching site. Now I'm working on selling the house and still working on divorce forms. We're filling uncontested divorce. I just can't wait until everything is over.

I hope things go well for you.
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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 11:51 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miyavi View Post
I was looking for the support group and found your post. Here's my current situation.

20yrs of marriage and heading for divorce. I didn't expect it when my husband told me so I was shocked. He told me he's been living and serving for others in his life and now he wants to live his life for himself. He wants to find the purpose of his life.

Long story short, I found out he already met someone lives in outside of US. So, they haven't seen each other, just video chat and email. He told me that we've been separated for a while and doesn't think anything wrong with it. I've never peeked into his cell or email before but I found out they are exchanging emails like lovers and also found out they met a matching site. When I saw his browsing history, I also found out he's been searching for very young women on the site.

We have 12 and 18 years old daughters. Now, I'm living with them and he is living at his sister's place. I just couldn't understand why he couldn't wait to start new relationship until our marriage is officially over.

I'm just wondering after read your post. Why do you still want her back? Is it love or attachment? I realized one day that I just have an attachment with this marriage, not love towards him. Then, I let go. It took for a year and a half since he told me to divorce, he moved to the apartment, found out about another woman, he moved to his sister's and found out about the matching site. Now I'm working on selling the house and still working on divorce forms. We're filling uncontested divorce. I just can't wait until everything is over.

I hope things go well for you.
Wow, 20 years and that is what he tells you. Why couldn’t he come forward and try to change the marriage before reaching this point?

That is a good and fair question. I am struggling with that now if I am honest. Maybe a little of both at this time? We met as teenagers and grew up together. I loved her personality, sense of humor, kindness to others, ability to reach new people and get them to open up and talk, the way she looked at me, the number of experiences we encountered for the first time together. Attachment because when we got married, I thought I was saying I do for the rest of my life. Being Catholic, she converted to being Catholic so we could get married in the Cathedral. (formal 2hr mass/marriage) I guess I considered our marriage a little bit like a fairy tale because we met so young, grew up, had kids, have a large house for our large family, white picket fence, cars, assets, trips.

But now looking back, listening to her… I guess I saw what I wanted to see and perhaps not see what was happening or going on. She paints a very different picture of the relationship and why she did what she did.

Talking to my friends, they think I did too much in the relationship and perhaps her level of appreciation moved over to expectation. I worked on the house to repair things, car repairs, yard work, watching the pool. I probably did 75% of the house cleaning, majority of cooking, 90% of the driving to/from volleyball for my kids, 95% of the travel across the country for tournaments. I made all the travel arrangements… I watched over our financials, paid the bills…

She was a wife, mother, full time job (high level job), full time online student for undergrad. She had an excellent pulse on the family when kids were not doing well or feeling well or watching over me. All she had to do was turn the key on her car, drive to work, work and bring home a paycheck. I thought it was even nice to put gas in her car so she didnt have to... I assume she looks at all this as "controlling"... I never intended it to be controlling... I just thought it would be nice for her and out of a sense of husband "duty". She got whatever she wanted to buy whenever she wanted it. (e.g. special car from NE WA and had it trucked to AZ), US$350 haircuts/color, acrylic nails every 3 weeks, new wardrobes for every season, implants every 10 yrs when due.

She has had some health issues over the years that include gallbladder, she celiac (gluten free) and she was in a serious car accident in 2017. She needed a cervical neck fusion (still has daily pain in her neck where no medication can touch it) and had a hip repair surgery to fix that joint. So she could no longer spin bike, yoga or exercise. I think that has had an impact on her self-image or ability to exercise and stay out of the depression zone. She suffers from migraines so is on a daily medication to keep them at bay. Has a nose spray by the ready in case there are any breakthrough moments.

So while she is in school, I felt it was my duty to help out around the house so she didn’t feel like she had to do that on top of all of her stuff. Plan was, just maybe, when she finishes up her assignments each day, I would be done with chores, that we could sit down and hang out, watch tv, whatever.

But over time, I kind of feel that she started to take what I was doing everywhere for granted. Then that turned into resentment and/or anger because I (in her eyes) never had time for her or us. She felt that I was choosing all of the chores over her and that made her less important. And I started to see her bring up issues/things/chores to me but wouldnt do anything about it. It made me feel like she was saying, "Hey, we have this to do or that to fix, can you do it?" I would have to fix, clean, do whatever as she sat on the couch. Servitude? But I did it to help out and for the family. Never did I think this would lead to her filing for divorce to “get away from me”.

I guess we reached a point where we were no longer in balance and she felt her only option was to separate and file for divorce. I think our communication stunk and if we could improve that, we could get over this patch and possibly change and continue with our relationship. But she made it clear last week, day before TGiving that this will never happen. She is “done”. Snapped me in two after 3 weeks of increasing optimism.

So telling my friends my story as objectively as I can… Granted it is from my perspective but I am trying like heck to include all of her thoughts/concerns/issues with me so I can paint a clear picture.

From what I can gather, I need to find someone that appreciates me for me and what I have to offer. And not take it for granted and ask for more. I have my issues with communicating how I feel towards her and I am working on that in therapy now. 12 weeks in, I am talking too much (see this post/novel?) and my long term friends are blown away. They have never heard me talk so much about feelings, emotions, relationships etc. What bothers me is that IF I finally am waking up to talk about these sort of things in a relationship, I will never get the opportunity to correct MY issues in the relationship with my (current? Ex?) wife. And perhaps that is her loss as it is the one thing she wanted from me. Everything else was perfect according to her. That irks me… we could be so close to being to repair this and she is just not interested.

So I guess to answer your question… perhaps a little of both? I love her and who we were together before this started to turn sideways. I look back and beat myself up seeing red flags everywhere that I did not see when going through time when it happened.

Attachment because we have so much history together as kids into adults. We got married and I believe in fighting for my marriage at any costs. Willing to do anything or change anything to make it work.

But as I start to witness what she has become or changed into, I am starting to see less and less of the girl I fell in love with and married. That part really gets me sad.

Its almost like she feels that life hasn’t turned out to be the way she wanted to turn out. Now, she is snipping everything from her old life so there are no attachments. And working on beginning this new life, new outlook, new friends and moving forward. The only real link to the life prior is our children. So she wants a “mulligan” perhaps to start over? As I understand it, this can be quite common and rarely works out with letting go of your family/friends to start over or try to re-capture some youth so that you can “live” something new.
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Default Dec 03, 2021 at 11:51 AM
  #8
Sunday should be interesting…

For the past week after my wife did what she did on the day before TGiving, I have just been emailing her responses to her questions. She attempted to call me several times last Saturday and Sunday. I did not pick up. She tried texting me, I did not text back. I kept a low profile. I am not trying to be rude, but I just want to establish boundaries where I am not getting yelled out, put down or told how horrible I am. And yet, how ironic is this, I am the one she accuses of being narcissistic, controlling, manipulative and gas lighting.

So apparently this approach has upset her. With each call I did not answer, she grew increasingly angry. What does she think or think of me that she can call and I come running to answer the phone? Does she think so little of me now that the expectations would be the same as if we were married? How does that work? So once she figured out that I am not picking up the phone, the texts started coming in and became increasingly snotty. And then finally, emails started coming in and I responded to her emails.

She texted me once again on Tuesday regarding something about one of our kids. I was aware of the upcoming event so I am not sure the text was needed. She started it off acknowledging that I am not answering her texts before getting into the body of the text. I found this odd, then if you know I am not responding to texts, why are you texting? I assume because she wants to find a way back into texting one another and see if she can breach my boundary again. At the end of her text she says something like she is only trying to be helpful and kind. That is like telling someone how smart you are! If you have to say it, you are not. She has been anything but helpful and anything but kind.

So when I received the text… I read it, processed it and wrote her an email back. Within a few minutes, she is calling me (maybe 1020pm). I did not pick up. I thought there is nothing we can talk about outside of the text that is already settled. Why call? What did she want to talk about? The message included the following days practice, time and location. There is nothing to discuss. Why call? If I am honest, I wonder if she wanted to engage or fight some more. Not something I want to do at 1020 at night. I was relaxing and getting ready for bed. I don’t want to be revved up and sad or angry.

The following day, Wednesday, she emails me at 1030am while I am at work. Nice… Like this could not wait until after 5pm? You have to rain on my workday while I am at work? Nice… But the email basically states she is coming over on Sunday (assume with friends) to pick up all of her clothes, a piece of furniture she wanted and other personal items. And that she does not want me present or the girls. I don’t think that is appropriate. So the girls will be off with the grandparents and I will be present as I am not comfortable with her being in the house and I am not present. The nice thing is that I have 4 friends coming over, bringing pizza and will act as witnesses. I am so thankful for them. So we plan on sitting there and watching her/them move stuff out so they are uncomfortable. I am so thankful for them to be present. I guess the other option was to contact the local Police Dept and see if an officer can come by and babysit. But I did not elect to do that. I think me and my 4 friends (witnesses) should be sufficient.

So anyway, this is upsetting again. She is grabbing all of her stuff out of the house and just another example of where this is going. She is entitled to her stuff, fine. But it seems odd that all of a sudden it is time to move on moving her stuff out. People are wondering if this is some sort of way for her to regain “control” of the situation or momentum. She very much likes being in control of this process since she filed. She has patterns of lifting me up, making me feel there is a chance and then lifting up and letting me fall to pieces. Lifting me up and then smashing me into pieces.

So the working theory is in the past week after she broke me, that I am not calling her, contacting her and not picking up the phone. She does not like this and expects me to be at her beck and call. So with the distance that I am putting inbetween us, she needed to find another mechanism to “stick it to me” buy coming by the house (3-days notice) and removing all of her personal items. They think this will make her feel better and that it may get her to feel like she is back in control of the process again. Since I am slowing things down and not contacting her.

I don’t know, they could be way off base and that works too. I know for me, creating space is beneficial because I have time to build strength and heal without having texts or phone calls to deal with. I cannot help buy feel in some way, that she is being abusive with playing with my emotions/head and then contacting me to engage/fight.

Everyone on my side seems to think she is struggling with telling herself she is making the right decision. I need to be the villain and she needs to be the victim in order to justify breaking this long term marriage up. She has eliminated all of her old friends, we assume, because her friends know me and may not understand why she is divorcing. So instead of feeling bad or having to plead her case to them, its easier to eliminate them.

She has a new set of friends, the divorced club, who appears to be welcoming her with open arms. So she runs to them and feels like she is apart of the club. They understand her feelings/intentions and support her so now she no longer has to feel guilty or like she has to explain herself for breaking up what most people consider a great or forever marriage.

I hope we are wrong about this assessment. But if even if remotely true… it sheds some insight into her new world. For me, the sadness is still present as I long for the relationship we HAD. But if I think about it more, I have my things that I am working on, but the signs start to point to her as well for having changed. I still refuse to accept 100% of the blame. It takes two… I am working on making myself better. She is working on re-fueling her anger/fury towards me to justify to herself that she is doing is the right thing.

So by distancing myself from her, I am not giving her any fuel to continue this crusade over me. Sadly, that may still result in us getting divorced in the end but at least I will not be constantly getting beat up. I do not think her stubbornness and/or ego will allow her to admit she may have over-stepped or made a mistake with this… tragic if you think about it.
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Default Dec 04, 2021 at 01:24 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by DevastatedinAZ View Post
Sunday should be interesting…

For the past week after my wife did what she did on the day before TGiving, I have just been emailing her responses to her questions. She attempted to call me several times last Saturday and Sunday. I did not pick up. She tried texting me, I did not text back. I kept a low profile. I am not trying to be rude, but I just want to establish boundaries where I am not getting yelled out, put down or told how horrible I am. And yet, how ironic is this, I am the one she accuses of being narcissistic, controlling, manipulative and gas lighting.

So apparently this approach has upset her. With each call I did not answer, she grew increasingly angry. What does she think or think of me that she can call and I come running to answer the phone? Does she think so little of me now that the expectations would be the same as if we were married? How does that work? So once she figured out that I am not picking up the phone, the texts started coming in and became increasingly snotty. And then finally, emails started coming in and I responded to her emails.

She texted me once again on Tuesday regarding something about one of our kids. I was aware of the upcoming event so I am not sure the text was needed. She started it off acknowledging that I am not answering her texts before getting into the body of the text. I found this odd, then if you know I am not responding to texts, why are you texting? I assume because she wants to find a way back into texting one another and see if she can breach my boundary again. At the end of her text she says something like she is only trying to be helpful and kind. That is like telling someone how smart you are! If you have to say it, you are not. She has been anything but helpful and anything but kind.

So when I received the text… I read it, processed it and wrote her an email back. Within a few minutes, she is calling me (maybe 1020pm). I did not pick up. I thought there is nothing we can talk about outside of the text that is already settled. Why call? What did she want to talk about? The message included the following days practice, time and location. There is nothing to discuss. Why call? If I am honest, I wonder if she wanted to engage or fight some more. Not something I want to do at 1020 at night. I was relaxing and getting ready for bed. I don’t want to be revved up and sad or angry.

The following day, Wednesday, she emails me at 1030am while I am at work. Nice… Like this could not wait until after 5pm? You have to rain on my workday while I am at work? Nice… But the email basically states she is coming over on Sunday (assume with friends) to pick up all of her clothes, a piece of furniture she wanted and other personal items. And that she does not want me present or the girls. I don’t think that is appropriate. So the girls will be off with the grandparents and I will be present as I am not comfortable with her being in the house and I am not present. The nice thing is that I have 4 friends coming over, bringing pizza and will act as witnesses. I am so thankful for them. So we plan on sitting there and watching her/them move stuff out so they are uncomfortable. I am so thankful for them to be present. I guess the other option was to contact the local Police Dept and see if an officer can come by and babysit. But I did not elect to do that. I think me and my 4 friends (witnesses) should be sufficient.

So anyway, this is upsetting again. She is grabbing all of her stuff out of the house and just another example of where this is going. She is entitled to her stuff, fine. But it seems odd that all of a sudden it is time to move on moving her stuff out. People are wondering if this is some sort of way for her to regain “control” of the situation or momentum. She very much likes being in control of this process since she filed. She has patterns of lifting me up, making me feel there is a chance and then lifting up and letting me fall to pieces. Lifting me up and then smashing me into pieces.

So the working theory is in the past week after she broke me, that I am not calling her, contacting her and not picking up the phone. She does not like this and expects me to be at her beck and call. So with the distance that I am putting inbetween us, she needed to find another mechanism to “stick it to me” buy coming by the house (3-days notice) and removing all of her personal items. They think this will make her feel better and that it may get her to feel like she is back in control of the process again. Since I am slowing things down and not contacting her.

I don’t know, they could be way off base and that works too. I know for me, creating space is beneficial because I have time to build strength and heal without having texts or phone calls to deal with. I cannot help buy feel in some way, that she is being abusive with playing with my emotions/head and then contacting me to engage/fight.

Everyone on my side seems to think she is struggling with telling herself she is making the right decision. I need to be the villain and she needs to be the victim in order to justify breaking this long term marriage up. She has eliminated all of her old friends, we assume, because her friends know me and may not understand why she is divorcing. So instead of feeling bad or having to plead her case to them, its easier to eliminate them.

She has a new set of friends, the divorced club, who appears to be welcoming her with open arms. So she runs to them and feels like she is apart of the club. They understand her feelings/intentions and support her so now she no longer has to feel guilty or like she has to explain herself for breaking up what most people consider a great or forever marriage.

I hope we are wrong about this assessment. But if even if remotely true… it sheds some insight into her new world. For me, the sadness is still present as I long for the relationship we HAD. But if I think about it more, I have my things that I am working on, but the signs start to point to her as well for having changed. I still refuse to accept 100% of the blame. It takes two… I am working on making myself better. She is working on re-fueling her anger/fury towards me to justify to herself that she is doing is the right thing.

So by distancing myself from her, I am not giving her any fuel to continue this crusade over me. Sadly, that may still result in us getting divorced in the end but at least I will not be constantly getting beat up. I do not think her stubbornness and/or ego will allow her to admit she may have over-stepped or made a mistake with this… tragic if you think about it.
Hey Jeff,

Thank you for keeping us informed on whats happening. I can relate with the packing and taking of the things. Its really hard. And to be honest I tried to not be there. I felt extreme anger and tried to pick fights... I had to try and keep it together for my kids.
Wether shes playing a game with that or not, wether you ha
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Default Dec 04, 2021 at 01:34 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by DevastatedinAZ View Post
Sunday should be interesting…

For the past week after my wife did what she did on the day before TGiving, I have just been emailing her responses to her questions. She attempted to call me several times last Saturday and Sunday. I did not pick up. She tried texting me, I did not text back. I kept a low profile. I am not trying to be rude, but I just want to establish boundaries where I am not getting yelled out, put down or told how horrible I am. And yet, how ironic is this, I am the one she accuses of being narcissistic, controlling, manipulative and gas lighting.

So apparently this approach has upset her. With each call I did not answer, she grew increasingly angry. What does she think or think of me that she can call and I come running to answer the phone? Does she think so little of me now that the expectations would be the same as if we were married? How does that work? So once she figured out that I am not picking up the phone, the texts started coming in and became increasingly snotty. And then finally, emails started coming in and I responded to her emails.

She texted me once again on Tuesday regarding something about one of our kids. I was aware of the upcoming event so I am not sure the text was needed. She started it off acknowledging that I am not answering her texts before getting into the body of the text. I found this odd, then if you know I am not responding to texts, why are you texting? I assume because she wants to find a way back into texting one another and see if she can breach my boundary again. At the end of her text she says something like she is only trying to be helpful and kind. That is like telling someone how smart you are! If you have to say it, you are not. She has been anything but helpful and anything but kind.

So when I received the text… I read it, processed it and wrote her an email back. Within a few minutes, she is calling me (maybe 1020pm). I did not pick up. I thought there is nothing we can talk about outside of the text that is already settled. Why call? What did she want to talk about? The message included the following days practice, time and location. There is nothing to discuss. Why call? If I am honest, I wonder if she wanted to engage or fight some more. Not something I want to do at 1020 at night. I was relaxing and getting ready for bed. I don’t want to be revved up and sad or angry.

The following day, Wednesday, she emails me at 1030am while I am at work. Nice… Like this could not wait until after 5pm? You have to rain on my workday while I am at work? Nice… But the email basically states she is coming over on Sunday (assume with friends) to pick up all of her clothes, a piece of furniture she wanted and other personal items. And that she does not want me present or the girls. I don’t think that is appropriate. So the girls will be off with the grandparents and I will be present as I am not comfortable with her being in the house and I am not present. The nice thing is that I have 4 friends coming over, bringing pizza and will act as witnesses. I am so thankful for them. So we plan on sitting there and watching her/them move stuff out so they are uncomfortable. I am so thankful for them to be present. I guess the other option was to contact the local Police Dept and see if an officer can come by and babysit. But I did not elect to do that. I think me and my 4 friends (witnesses) should be sufficient.

So anyway, this is upsetting again. She is grabbing all of her stuff out of the house and just another example of where this is going. She is entitled to her stuff, fine. But it seems odd that all of a sudden it is time to move on moving her stuff out. People are wondering if this is some sort of way for her to regain “control” of the situation or momentum. She very much likes being in control of this process since she filed. She has patterns of lifting me up, making me feel there is a chance and then lifting up and letting me fall to pieces. Lifting me up and then smashing me into pieces.

So the working theory is in the past week after she broke me, that I am not calling her, contacting her and not picking up the phone. She does not like this and expects me to be at her beck and call. So with the distance that I am putting inbetween us, she needed to find another mechanism to “stick it to me” buy coming by the house (3-days notice) and removing all of her personal items. They think this will make her feel better and that it may get her to feel like she is back in control of the process again. Since I am slowing things down and not contacting her.

I don’t know, they could be way off base and that works too. I know for me, creating space is beneficial because I have time to build strength and heal without having texts or phone calls to deal with. I cannot help buy feel in some way, that she is being abusive with playing with my emotions/head and then contacting me to engage/fight.

Everyone on my side seems to think she is struggling with telling herself she is making the right decision. I need to be the villain and she needs to be the victim in order to justify breaking this long term marriage up. She has eliminated all of her old friends, we assume, because her friends know me and may not understand why she is divorcing. So instead of feeling bad or having to plead her case to them, its easier to eliminate them.

She has a new set of friends, the divorced club, who appears to be welcoming her with open arms. So she runs to them and feels like she is apart of the club. They understand her feelings/intentions and support her so now she no longer has to feel guilty or like she has to explain herself for breaking up what most people consider a great or forever marriage.

I hope we are wrong about this assessment. But if even if remotely true… it sheds some insight into her new world. For me, the sadness is still present as I long for the relationship we HAD. But if I think about it more, I have my things that I am working on, but the signs start to point to her as well for having changed. I still refuse to accept 100% of the blame. It takes two… I am working on making myself better. She is working on re-fueling her anger/fury towards me to justify to herself that she is doing is the right thing.

So by distancing myself from her, I am not giving her any fuel to continue this crusade over me. Sadly, that may still result in us getting divorced in the end but at least I will not be constantly getting beat up. I do not think her stubbornness and/or ego will allow her to admit she may have over-stepped or made a mistake with this… tragic if you think about it.
Hey Jeff,

Thank you for keeping us informed on whats happening. I can relate with the packing and taking of the things. Its really hard. And to be honest I tried to not be there. I felt extreme anger and tried to pick fights... I had to try and keep it together for my kids.
Wether shes playing a game with that or not, brace yourself. I am extremely happy that your friends will be there.
If I were in your situation, I would have my friends there and not attend myself. She would be astounded when your friends told her that you had better things to do.
The thing is about her throwing every emotion at you, including kindness, sadness, anger is that she may not know it but she actually doesnt know how to live life without you right now. No clue. So she acts out, at you, because you guys have acted out to each other your whole lives basically as any married couple does. I mean, I am also separated so my advice isnt coming from a professional anything lol

Anyhow, I hope this helps and that Sunday goes okay. Good on you for keeping your boundaries and yourself in check. So hard to do!

Tessa
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Default Dec 04, 2021 at 01:52 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Tjpg View Post
Hey Jeff,

Thank you for keeping us informed on whats happening. I can relate with the packing and taking of the things. Its really hard. And to be honest I tried to not be there. I felt extreme anger and tried to pick fights... I had to try and keep it together for my kids.
Wether shes playing a game with that or not, brace yourself. I am extremely happy that your friends will be there.
If I were in your situation, I would have my friends there and not attend myself. She would be astounded when your friends told her that you had better things to do.
The thing is about her throwing every emotion at you, including kindness, sadness, anger is that she may not know it but she actually doesnt know how to live life without you right now. No clue. So she acts out, at you, because you guys have acted out to each other your whole lives basically as any married couple does. I mean, I am also separated so my advice isnt coming from a professional anything lol

Anyhow, I hope this helps and that Sunday goes okay. Good on you for keeping your boundaries and yourself in check. So hard to do!

Tessa
Hi Tessa,

This is going to be really tough. I am fortunate to have my friends shoulder to shoulder with me. I don’t like going through this… someone I have know most of my life wants nothing to do with me and is looking to hurt/manipulate me in anyway as “pay back”. Or to see if she can get more money out of me.

Interesting point. My therapist brought that up as well. She does not know who she is NOT being my wife. Her behavior is emotional and erratic at best. I think that is what gave me hope about the future. That the hot/cold treatment was her struggling with what she wants to do, or perhaps she is telling herself this is the right thing to do. Mind over heart? I don’t know, I do not think I will ever truly know.

Yeah, I need to accept that this is happening and even possibly starting to look at it as a “business transaction” that needs to be finalized. I think that is the hard part… nearly 3 decades of relationship, emotions, love, intimacy, best friend, companion, wife… Im trying to turn a corner to accept that this is not going to change back and I need to start defending myself and looking out for any assets/cash that carry over into my future “new world”.

Thanks, tomorrow is not going to be fun. A lot of symbolism… She has been radio silent now… I am 98% sure she figured out I have an attorney now. So her anxiety/panic level just went up 10-fold and is radio silent to keep from communicating with me.

Jeff
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Default Dec 04, 2021 at 07:32 PM
  #12
Jeff,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I feel like you are narrating my future. I was only married for 2 years together for seven so I won't even compare other than the separation. My kids are from my first marriage so I don't have that issue either but they love her so it's tough on them too. I'm still holding out hope but also have it stuck in my head how could we come back from this and do I really want to be with someone that can run away and make it seem like the decision to "try" is so hard.

Having been through a divorce with kids involved, for me, don't get hung up on the personal possessions, keep the kids the number one priority. My parents split when I was young and they were awful to each other. I vowed to not do that hat to my kids. It sounds like you are the level headed, bigger person just don't let her actions pull you down to her level. Hang in there, one day at a time. You will get through it.

Tom
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Default Dec 04, 2021 at 07:52 PM
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Jeff,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I feel like you are narrating my future. I was only married for 2 years together for seven so I won't even compare other than the separation. My kids are from my first marriage so I don't have that issue either but they love her so it's tough on them too. I'm still holding out hope but also have it stuck in my head how could we come back from this and do I really want to be with someone that can run away and make it seem like the decision to "try" is so hard.

Having been through a divorce with kids involved, for me, don't get hung up on the personal possessions, keep the kids the number one priority. My parents split when I was young and they were awful to each other. I vowed to not do that hat to my kids. It sounds like you are the level headed, bigger person just don't let her actions pull you down to her level. Hang in there, one day at a time. You will get through it.

Tom
Thanks Tom,

I hope I am not narrating your future. This does not feel good and I fear it may get uglier.

Im reaching that point I believe… How do you decide to get out after being in a marriage so long? She left and is that something I would want back IF she came back?

We put up the tree today and I was overwhelmed with memories of Christmas prior. I saw my youngest tear up a little doing it too. She was quietly sighing getting through hanging stuff up. After, she retreated back to her room. I think we needed to do this and get through it… But its tough.

There is me, my wife and 3 kids in the family… So we have 5 stockings up on the fire place. (not sure that is right)

I am getting hung up on the personal items, literally each one has a memory attached. Its getting me. We decorated the inside of the house today, not because I wanted to, but for the girls to have some sense of normalcy.

You are right. She has been getting quite sh*** lately and it seems to be getting worse so this should be a fun ride. I am trying to take the high road where I can but its not without an emotional price. I’ve been trying for 3 months to fix things to no avail.

Thank you for the positive vibes. I need them. Its going to be a tough Holiday Season this year.

Jeff
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Default Dec 04, 2021 at 08:12 PM
  #14
Jeff,

Just keep remembering, she will be in your life until the kids are grown and even after. I caught my first wife on tinder and texting with guys. Not sure if sh ever physically cheated but I was bitter for a while. I still have to see her every play, rehearsal, concert, she never goes to partner/teacher.
My mom tells a story of my dad taking just the couch cushions, I grew up not able to say my step mom's name to my mom, she was "witch" or the other women". You can't control how she behaves but you can control how you react and what the kids see if you.

Currently in the process of putting up a tree and also contemplating the stocking thing, crazy you say that. My wife also bought a new tree after last Xmas so I had to figure out if I put the new one up or the old one. I'm going with the old as I don't want to unbox the new one and cause more problems.

It's really good to hear you have the support structure you do. I have very similar. I feel bad as they have heard this before but true friends don't care and want to help.

Tom
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Default Dec 05, 2021 at 11:59 PM
  #15
Minor update…

I think today went well??? My friends came over to sit with me and talk at the kitchen table while drinking and eating pizza. Ex-wife rings the doorbell, her and a close friend of the family are standing outside. Just the two of them.

I open the door, my ex- walks in like she owns the place, we don’t look at each other or say anything. Friends thought this was a ‘power move’ by her to show me who is in charge and that she is going to make me pay today or abuse me. So I focused on the friend of family, I walked with her and talked and said hello. I asked her if I could get a hug. She said yes, of course. So I hugged her and said it is really good to see you. I am sorry it is under these circumstances. She looked at me too said, “I know, me too…” (sad face)

By the time we were done talking, my ex- walked into the kitchen to find my friends sitting at the table all looking at her. She became immediately pissed! Very angry that they were present. She was NOT expecting anyone to be in the house. My friends were acting as witnesses. She goes upstairs to begin packing her stuff. Our friend of the family follows her.

I sit down at the table to talk to my friends and wow… they were smirking… they said my ex- gave them the mother of death glares once she figured out everyone was in the house watching her. One friend (girl) took stock in my ex- and said she is not doing well. Massively underweight… I said I think she is around 110lbs. My friend says… uh, no, I think she is pushing 105 now. Her eyes were dark and sunked, so she is not sleeping well. And her face is starting to show traces of mileage from stress. She clearly has elevated levels of stress in her life and her face is starting to show it. She said she is “not doing well” and this is “not a receipt for success.” (not good)

So each time my ex came down the stairs with stuff to carry outside, she refused to look at us, even shook her head like she cannot believe this is happening. She would walk to the front door, open it, walk through and as she started to close the door each time, she would look me dead in the eyes from across the house where only I could see her and she could see me. She would give me a dirty look as she closed the door. This happened maybe al 6-7-8 times. My friend said to stop looking at her, so I stopped after the 4th time. But why is she starring at me each time she closed the door?

There was one time my ex was bringing down a lot of stuff that it slipped and some fell to the floor. At the exact same time, two of my friends were telling a joke and picking on one another and began laughing. The third friends says to my ex-, whoa that is a big load you have… My ex- believes this means that everyone is laughing at her for dropping something on the ground. They weren’t, they were busy talking amongst themselves and the timing worked out. But my ex gave all 3 friends a very nasty dirty death glare. Which of course, made my friends all smile at her and say nothing.

In the end, she takes the final round, she says nothing to me/us and walks to the door. She stands in the open doorway looking at me. I finally look at her and she gives me the meanest/ugliest look and we hold it for 4-5 seconds before she closes the door and locks it from the outside. My friend (girl) sees me looking and looks to see my ex looking at me and says, whoa! What is that for? That was a downright mean and ugly glance at you! She is REALLY pissed with you! That was BAD!

So talking after… the group thinks she was planning on coming over and controlling the day. Engaging me and talking since I refuse to speak with her on the phone. I no longer text with her… I only email. Boundaries are nice! So she came in today expecting to “hook me” and punish me for the “silent treatment”. But when she realized she wasn’t alone, my friends were present and watching her, she became enraged as plans have now changed and she was no longer in control. To add insult to injury, she now has to walk her stuff outside in front of everyone, so she probably felt awkward. Which made her feel angry. She was a stranger in her own house. But as I was told... this is her decision. She started this...

So I head on upstairs to inspect what is left. She didn’t get everything! Oh no! She may be has 25% of her stuff left. That means she is coming back! Lol So I have done NOTHING but email her she broke me on 11/24. What do I do? I text her… “Are you done for the day?” Within 10 minutes, she responds with something like, Yes, I didn’t want to interfere with your current silent treatment in place to say goodbye. No more entertainment for your party guests today. Enjoy your football party.

So breaking down her text message, her text is manipulating in and of itself. Bashing what she calls my silent treatment. Clearly, does not care for my email-only boundary. She is angry because she thinks everyone was laughing at her when they weren’t. Oh by the way, you are not allowed to have a life, only be miserable like me, so enjoy your football party. (last time I emailed her, it took her 30 hours to respond as a point of reference)

I was hoping to not show any emotion today. If I did, she wins and I lose. And I think what happened was that she walked away enraged with anger that ruined her day. So all in all, a good day and I said nothing, did nothing…

This is probably the first time I had a counterattack on my ex for all the punishment and anger she has thrown at me for the past 3 months. She has to realize that after what she did to me on 11/24, something has changed. She no longer has as much power/influence over me. I wonder if this is a source of concern for her?
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Thanks for this!
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Default Dec 17, 2021 at 06:59 PM
  #16
So in the past week, the ex? Wife? And I spoke on the phone for five hours through the course of a single day. All initiated by her. This happened after the Sunday event (listed above) when she came by to pick up her stuff and I had friends over as witnesses. Part of it was her dislike that I had people over acting as witnesses during this private time for her. I reminded her of what she did to me prior to TGiving and she backed down and apologized again.

5hours of talking about the relationship. She admitted to me that she misses the relationship from time to time. She is second guessing herself about the decision she made and if this is the biggest mistake of her life. She misses talking to me at length and having conversations. She said she wants a relationship with me but did not define what that relationship looks like. I told her and was quite explicit that I will not accept being “friend zoned”. She said, “You wont be friend zoned.” Ok, so this is all or nothing… (co-parenting vs relationship) I just listened, she needs to figure this out herself. Seems positive but its still a rollercoaster… Any given week is something new.

Last Monday this week, we got into a squabble and she made a scene about our conversation in front of the kids. I found it disrespectful to me and inappropriate in front of the kids. I called her out on it (via texting) after I left dropping one kid off. She became angry and tried to turn it around on me. I was not having it, I went after her with additional texts on how she refuses to apologize for her behavior in front of the kids and how disrespectful that was to me. She finally shut down and apologized. I followed up with a thank you, that was all I was looking for… This isn’t about who wins and loses, this is about right and wrong, what is decent and rude.

Since Monday… I emailed her on Tuesday, got a response back pretty quickly. She texted me on Wednesday, I responded pretty quickly. She called me on Thursday with a quick question to see if it was ok that she stop by the house to drop of meds for one of our kids. She would stay in the car and our kid could go out to get them. I said thank you for picking that up and its up to you… come up to the house if you want. This phone call could have easily been a text message letting me know, right? But she called (we believe) to see if I would pick up and then if she could gauge to see if I was still irritated from Monday’s fit. (I wasn’t, was nice and pleasant, not work holding grudges)

So what did she do?

She arrived to drop off the meds, walked up to the front door and my daughter answered it. They started talking, I got up in back of the house and walked into the kitchen whereby I passed through her line of sight (she saw me) from the front door and did NOT look at her or in her direction. Then I walked back after getting a drink and sitting down. After 5 minutes, she left and went home.

Support group thinks she came to the front door expecting me to answer it so we could see each other and possibly talk. That did not happen. Nor did we make eye contact. I gave her zero attention. So the support group was thinking a phone call would be in order now, but when?

I get a phone call later that night. Simple 5 minute call. Could have been a text message. But we talked about the kids and she asked a lot of questions to generate answers. After the call and the matter being settled, she followed up with a text message. I responded being nice and added a little joke… She followed up again with a text (within minutes) teasing me and joking around and calling me old. I did not respond. She followed up with another text (within 5 min) making sure I know that her text was a joke. I gave her a smiley face back. That was that for the night. hehe

So who knows… hot and cold… I am keeping the line of communication open. The more distant I become, the more frequent she starts contacting me. I put up a boundary of not answering the phone, sometimes not answering texts and she does NOT care for those. So she goes on a crusade and knocks them down like bowling pins. So we are back to communicating and I am not initiating. Only responding to her reaching out. Seems to be working.
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Default Dec 17, 2021 at 10:10 PM
  #17
Jeff,

It sounds like you are making cautious moves on reconsiliation. I am in your corner hope the best for you. Keep moving forward and what ever happeneds you know you tried.

Tom
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Default Dec 18, 2021 at 01:12 AM
  #18
In think you should either talk via phone and not text or text and not talk.

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DevastatedinAZ
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Default Dec 18, 2021 at 01:28 AM
  #19
Quote:
Originally Posted by workinonit32 View Post
Jeff,

It sounds like you are making cautious moves on reconsiliation. I am in your corner hope the best for you. Keep moving forward and what ever happeneds you know you tried.

Tom
Thanks Tom,

I dont know where this will go. If anywhere. I may not even know if I want it depending on how much has "changed". Clearly, something broke between us and that is a lot to fix, repair and earn trust again.

Right? If the other is completely a new person now, who knows... Even with that said, so much work has to be done on both sides to be successful. And Im not even sure both sides have the strength and/or endurance. Its an interesting observation that with no contact and the further I distance myself, the more she contacts and wants to bring me in closer. You kind of start to see a shift in the power struggle. With no contact, that gets her thinking she made have made a mistake.

I just wanted to share my story for anyone that follows and hope that this helps in some way. You really need to focus on yourself and improve yourself mentally (therapist) and physically (exercise). I pray every night (for the kids, for her and then for me), I work on pushing myself forward with life and with a sprinkle of no contact and hope for the best.

She is now seeing a therapist which is good. She has come forward and taken responsibility for her failures in the relationship. So that is good. I am not 100% at fault. I never thought I was, but it is nice to be vindicated and validated. And then her telling me the things I mentioned above. So we see where this leads and see what options, if any, we have at our discretion.
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Thanks for this!
workinonit32
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Default Dec 20, 2021 at 10:15 AM
  #20
Quote:
Originally Posted by DevastatedinAZ View Post
Thanks Tom,

I dont know where this will go. If anywhere. I may not even know if I want it depending on how much has "changed". Clearly, something broke between us and that is a lot to fix, repair and earn trust again.

Right? If the other is completely a new person now, who knows... Even with that said, so much work has to be done on both sides to be successful. And Im not even sure both sides have the strength and/or endurance. Its an interesting observation that with no contact and the further I distance myself, the more she contacts and wants to bring me in closer. You kind of start to see a shift in the power struggle. With no contact, that gets her thinking she made have made a mistake.

I just wanted to share my story for anyone that follows and hope that this helps in some way. You really need to focus on yourself and improve yourself mentally (therapist) and physically (exercise). I pray every night (for the kids, for her and then for me), I work on pushing myself forward with life and with a sprinkle of no contact and hope for the best.

She is now seeing a therapist which is good. She has come forward and taken responsibility for her failures in the relationship. So that is good. I am not 100% at fault. I never thought I was, but it is nice to be vindicated and validated. And then her telling me the things I mentioned above. So we see where this leads and see what options, if any, we have at our discretion.
Hey Jeff,

I think you should take a moment and be proud of yourself for not only being an adult about this whole situation, but for starting to really search yourself and find out what YOU want. Its difficult to ask yourself the hard questions/life changing questions when you realise that you are better than how you are being treated and whether or not you will stand for it against someone that you love, and that is hard. I'm happy to hear that she is getting some help through therapy. Its amazing how helpful a therapist can be.
It sounds like you are being kind to yourself, and taking things as they come. Try not to plan out what every move will be, you might find it completely exhausts you over time.

Tessa
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Thanks for this!
workinonit32
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