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Jay5979
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Member Since: Nov 2021
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Default Nov 11, 2021 at 08:55 AM
  #1
My wife came out to me that she is gay and no longer wants to be with me. I’m almost positive that she was already in talks with the woman she’s leaving me for, though she claims they are just friends. She would text her the whole time we were in bed for the night. Now that she has came out to me, they are in almost constant communication. Every time I hear her phone chime with a new message, it’s like a dagger through my heart. I can accept that she is gay, no matter how devastating this has been for me, being blindsided by the whole reveal. Though after 13 years together and 11 of those years married, she shows no signs of heartbreak for all the time we were together being over. That’s not the kind of woman I thought I knew all of these years, she’s always been very compassionate. That lack of any sadness for it being over is even more heartbreaking. It comes across as if her discovering her true sexuality has made our past 13 years nothing more than a screw up because now she knows what she really wants.

I have to say that I am still madly in love with her. I can’t just shut it off like she did. The above is context for the question I have. I know it would hurt her terribly financially if I was to seek half of our assets. She wouldn’t be able to afford it in any way. Knowing this and the fact that it would hurt me just as badly. The part of me that still loves her and stupidly hopes to get her back, can’t see hurting her in such a way. The part of me that knows her choice set this all into motion, says I shouldn’t feel bad whatsoever. Also, she wants to remain friends. I can’t see us as friends now seeing how checked out she is about all of it. I don’t feel like a true friend would treat me this way, treat the thought of our time together that way, being very dismissive of my feelings of loss. Like I said though. I can’t just shut off my feelings for her, stupidly thinking remaining friends could lead to getting her back, knowing that if I seek half of our assets, she will not only never remain being my friend, but hate my guts and wish me dead, being out of my life forever.

What are your thoughts on how I should proceed?
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Yaowen
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Default Nov 11, 2021 at 03:48 PM
  #2
I wish I knew what to suggest but even looking at it as an outsider and abstractly, I have no idea what would be the best course of action leading to the best possible outcome. Maybe others here with more knowledge, experience, insight and wisdom will see your post and be able to respond helpfully. So sorry I could not be helpful to you in this!

The situation sounds so sad and distressing. My heart goes out to you!
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Bill3
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Default Nov 11, 2021 at 04:29 PM
  #3
What is the alternative to seeking half of the joint assets? Are you saying that the alternative is to not seek any of the assets?
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Brokenflower4
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Default Nov 14, 2021 at 07:39 PM
  #4
This may be hard to hear, but it sounds like she has already moved on. I don't think you have a choice but to start healing from the loss. I have learned that you can love someone, but it doesn't mean you should be together in a romantic relationship. In terms of the division of assets, my suggestion is to be as fair and reasonable as possible. If she gets upset with you to seek 50% of the assets, I don't feel that is reasonable on her part. What did she expect, really? Her actions caused the divorce. I don't know what state you live in, but you need to ask your attorney if you will be required to pay ALIMONY. Given the length of the marriage, and the difference in income, she could be a candidate for alimony. I doubt you want to make payments to her for the rest of her life. It is so hard balancing the emotional with the financial aspects. I am working on my divorce spreadsheet tonight. Ugh...
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