Recently divorced and need some tips

After 4 years of marriage I filed for divorce and the process is over.

Was thinking about keeping marriage because of our son, but then realised that living in a hostile and negative environment will make him worse than living with separated parents.

The reason I filed for divorce was that my ex-wife was materialistic and ungrateful person, the things I should have noticed before getting married. But I dod not and was living with a hope that some day she will change and become a better person.

During divorce process I have financially supported both my wife and son, but after divorce she filed a claim stating that I did nothing and now wants to claim alimony for the said period (she legally can, but still there are some issues to consider).

Such actions make me feel down. Even though I know all this is temporary and will end, I still would like to get some tips from people who have been in a similar situation.

What a frustrating and distressing situation. I am so very sorry this is happening to you. Wish I knew what to say that would help! I sure hope things get better for you!

MOVE ON ! As quickly as possible. She will try and suck you dry for
every penny she can get out of you. Most ex’s just care about security.
Financially and any other way possible. I have to say , from experience ,
that nice guys , for the most part , do finish last.

Thanks for the nice words. Apparently that is the process I must go to, so will just be patient.

Thanks mate. I'm trying to move one but since we have a child I still need to be in contact with her quite often.

Since she is materialistic, all she cares about is money. That was one of the main reasons why I filed for divorce. I do provide support my child financially, but it is never enough for her.

Any working tips on how to move on and not to think much about the situation, or you just have to live it through?

Well that’s materialistic of her. Nothing you probably weren’t expecting from her. Still that’s a low blow. No advise other than making sure you got a good lawyer.

Thanks, I am a lawyer myself

Immediately consult a lawyer at least for some basic informtation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Associate After 4 years of marriage I filed for divorce and the process is over. Was thinking about keeping marriage because of our son, but then realised that living in a hostile and negative environment will make him worse than living with separated parents. The reason I filed for divorce was that my ex-wife was materialistic and ungrateful person, the things I should have noticed before getting married. But I dod not and was living with a hope that some day she will change and become a better person. During divorce process I have financially supported both my wife and son, but after divorce she filed a claim stating that I did nothing and now wants to claim alimony for the said period (she legally can, but still there are some issues to consider). Such actions make me feel down. Even though I know all this is temporary and will end, I still would like to get some tips from people who have been in a similar situation.

Thanks, already did

Geez, I hate reading these types of messages.

My wife went and filed for divorce after 21yrs of marriage (27yr relationship). I am the bread winner and when she separated from me, I got labeled with just about everything a guy can get labeled with…

We are now 3 months into the separation/divorce process with 3 kids (13, 15, 18) and I think it is starting to hit my wife (ex wife?) that she will be unable to live the same lifestyle she had when she was married. Duh. Not terribly well thought out.

So now money is coming into play as we go through this divorce process and I have to bite the bullet and retain an attorney to protect my interests. She will find this out next week so that will be a fun meeting to discuss.

But like you, my spouse was ungrateful and took me for granted. $350 for a haircut/color… I was ok with it when we were married because if you work hard, you play hard, right? Well… She can go to whatever local place now and spend $25.

The one thing I learned in the beginning was not to hand over money. I still felt compelled to help out or take care of her… But as I gave her extra money to “help out” (she always said she was broke), I found out that she retained an attorney to get what she can from me now. Talk about feeling foolish.

So now, the ungrateful, taking me for granted spouse brings up money and that she is broke, the discussion changes to what do the kids need? Specifically… then I go buy those items for the kids and give it to them. (e.g. clothes, shoes, school stuff, volleyball stuff) Cash is no longer sent to the other spouse, specific items are purchased and given to the kids.

Not sure if this helps,

Jeff

Apparently ungrateful people can be found anywhere in the world. I see so many similarities in what you have described and really understand you.

I was doing the same mistakes, spending plenty of money on her, such as giving her some financial aid while she was on maternity leave and not making any money, spending my last money to a trip to Italy. What I have learned is that if a person dos not appreciate small things you do, she will appreciate nothing.

I do not know how long a divorce process lasts in the USA, but here the divorce itself lasts 3-4 months from the moment you file a claim with court and the other party does not agree for a divorce. So, a relatively short period of time.

However, alimony claims can be filed as many times as ex-wife wants until a child reaches the age of 18, but he good thing is it is limited to 25% of your net salary.

But if you can do whatever you want, i.e. buy what your kids need and not give her cash that is really great. I am working on it now.

But your youngest kid is 13, so I assume you will only be obliged under the law to provide child support (cash to ex-wife) for 5 years only. Afterwards, she will get no cash and you can buy whatever you kids need, for instance pay their tuition fees.

Yeah, it looks that way… I tried to do everything I could for her out of a sense of “duty” or being a “husband”. Fix the cars, fix the house, repair anything that is needed, take the kids to practice, anything. If she put gas in her car once every 3 or 6mo, that was a lot. All she had to do is turn the key on her car, go to work, make money and return home. Maybe that is my fault. Too much. Maybe that answers why it became an expectation.

Agreed, if they cant appreciate the small things, don’t expect more due to the large things.

In the US, divorce can be resolved in 3-4 months at the quickest. But if the divorce filing (e.g. assets, debts, whatever) becomes contested, it can be dragged out longer. Then if you get attorneys involved, it can get longer.

Alimony is tough to get (from what I understand) if both spouses have jobs and work. If there is a situation where one spouse is a ‘stay at home’, then I imagine alimony comes into play.

Yes, in theory, whoever makes more money will have to pay the other for child support. Since my daughter is 13, that is roughly 4.5 years from now. And the child support payments stop. In our case, I will owe her money on a monthly basis. But since I am picking up the health insurance for the kids, what I owe her is probably US$20-30/month. She is hoping to get some big promotion or salary increase in the future, so we will need to adjust that payment where she cuts me a check. Depending on her raise, that could force her to pay me US$200-400/mo.

What saddens me is all this time we shared together building up our estate. How does she not have any interest in wanting to fix this? Maddening/illogical to me… we have spent our childhoods and entire adult lives together, and to just walk way.

I have made concessions on just about everything in the attempt of trying to find overlap between what she wants and want I want. And then work together on the differences to compromise. No such luck as of yet.

We had millions of good memories and times and experiences. We grew up together from kids to adults. Millions of fun times and good memories… And to just let that all go… Beyond my comprehension.

If I am being honest with myself, I dont want this experience changing who I am or how I treat people. I dont want anger, resentment, bitterness or any other negative emotion setting in and changing who I am.

I have to believe this is her decision and hers alone. Unfortunately, I am along for the ride.

Reading this makes me really sad to be honest. Some people are just materialistic and there is nothing we can do about it. They don't value good actions, they don't value memories, they only value money. For them leaving with a bad person in a luxury mansion is better than living with a decent one in a small apartment.

Again, your situation is so much similar to mine. I also did a lot for my ex-wife because in my opinion that is what a normal husband is supposed to do. But she just took it for granted and recently told me that I did not do anything special to her during our marriage.

I would say that you don't need to change, especially treat people differently. Neither would I. But what I told to myself is that I will rather stay alone till I die or marry again if I find a lady who would appreciate my actions.

As for alimony it is really good what you said. I mean if you pay for kids, then you don't have to pay much alimony. Here it is completely different since our laws are based on old USSR laws and no matter how much you support your kids and no matter how much money a woman makes, the husband still has to pay 25% of his salary if there is 1 child, 33% if there are 2 children and 50% if there are 3 or more children.

Wow, those are some strict laws governing alimony! Yikes!

Yeah, it saddens me she wants divorce but is looking for a way to still have the ‘lifestyle’ of when we were married. Doesn’t happen… Especially when she earned 40% of the income. It will be tough/tight for her, but she will have to learn.

I don’t have any intentions of finding another relationship for the foreseeable future. Unless someone comes along my way that appreciates me and what I have to offer and knocks my socks off. I just don’t want to be hurt again. But you are right, I need to focus on being me and not allowing her to change/alter me or who I am. That would be the sin in this experience.

My support group are interested to see how my soon to be ex-wife does single… I have been that buffer for her to the world for 27 years… It should be interesting to see what happens.

I know what I did or did not do during the marriage. I do not accept more than 50% blame for this… if you ask her, I am 100% to blame which always raises an eyebrow. She has accountability in this relationship and why it is where it currently is… But she will not admit to it… all of her issues in life are attributable to me. So assuming this divorce goes through, I am curious how long she will be able to blame me for stuff after I am gone… She will be the only one left, will she look into the mirror?

There is a rationale for such alimony with its main purpose being keeping the same lifestyle for a child as he/she had before. So, basically if 100$ per month is enough per child to cover his food, clothes etc. but a husband was earning a lot to provide a better lifestyle, then the same lifestyle must be maintained as closely as possible.

Based on what you say, she will blame only you in this situation. She does not think about how a life will be after divorce, these type of people rarely do.

The good thing is that you children are grown up and they can come and visit you whenever they want. For me, situation is a bit different since my son is just 3 years old and I need to communicate with my ex-wife to see him.

Gotcha.

You are correct. She blames me for everything. I have often thought who will she blame once this is over and I am gone? The only constant in her equation/life will be herself. I love her dearly still and this is sad to witness her change.

I cannot imagine having younger children. My son will be coming home from University for the Holiday and already told her that he is sleeping at my house in his room. She doesnt have room for him. But he will visit her whenever he can. I think he holds her accountable to breaking the family apart.

The point is that you children are adults and they understand everything. Sooner or later they will have a clear idea who is responsible.

But the key point here is that after the age of 13 children do not really care whether their parents live together or not. What they need is to know that they have father and mother and that both parents will have their back and support them in difficult situations.

At least you will see your children whenever they want to see you and nobody will create a problem out of this.

The fact that you still love her will make it difficult for you to recover and it will take plenty of time, considering that you were together for 27 years. So just try to find yourself some hobbies and activities and keep yourself busy.

Jeff,

I read that you have already talked to/consulted a lawyer (are a lawyer?)A separation agreement during this time though costly might help define absolute boundaries between the kids, you and your wife so that you dont get blindsided with legals/kids staying at your place/ her place. It could help the kids deal with it all in a way too because you will all be in agreement together on co-parenting. It might help your kids see that you are both handling everything properly that way too?
My friend who has been divorced for many years told me that one day, it wont matter whos fault it was.

Hope this helps

Tessa

That is what I am being told as well! So cool!

I agree with you! And that corner may be coming up quicker than I want… Our 18yo son in college is fully expecting to stay there for all 4 years. My ex? Wife is already whining/complaining about having to pay for a small portion of his tuition. “I don’t make as much as you” or “He is 18, an adult, he can figure it out!” So I need to get ready for when she dips out on him for August of 2022. My parents are nice enough to fill in the void for him so he can continue. Or if not, then I will have to raise the cash and pay for her half. But my parents (who are upset at this situation) want to sit him down if that happens to let him know they are covering his tuition so he can continue now that his mom has gone missing in action.

And my other fear is with our two younger girls, they love playing competitive volleyball. And I fear that they will be the next target by my wife. She dislikes volleyball because of the time (practices, tournaments, traveling tournaments) and the money required for the sport. So my fear is she will begin trying to talking the girls out of volleyball to make it seem like it is their idea. So I need to get ready for that action and tell them to continue playing and I will cover the cost of their volleyball.

Fun times!

She is now the buddy and “Disneyland mom” trying to buy little things here and there to show she is cool and hip. I am the one in my house with the rules and things they can or cannot do. I hope they appreciate it that sometime down the road when they are adults.

I am ready to stand up and be counted for my kids. I am not completely sure the ex has the ability or strength. She is very much into herself right now. Deeply saddens me. She never used to be like that… well, from what I knew or saw.

Amen! That is what I am struggling with now. I still love her and need to accept this and move forward. My friends are concerned that leaving the door cracked or the light on (just in case) is slowing down my progress. But as I said, this is a process… we met and dated as teenagers and now we are in our 40s. Its incredibly challenging to accept this finality.

Yes Tessa!

She has already secured an attorney. I did not until recently. I have been true to my narrative in wanting to reconcile so we can stay together. I have spilled my guts out with feelings, plans, things to change… clearly to much info… She until recently only gave me tidbits of how she feels. So I continued working with her, being open in hoping that we can find a path through this period of time.

There was a period of 2.5-3 weeks recently where we were talking every other day, texting every day, being silly, teasing, joking… and she said she would think about couples therapy. (I thought we might be building something new) She research it and agreed that it is quite effective IF both spouses can give 100%. But that in the beginning, she was not there yet. So give her time to think about it. I was on cloud 9. Then the day before TGiving, she dropped the hammer, told me she is done! She doesn’t want therapy! She doesn’t want reconciliation! She is done! Broke me in 2 over her knee. Devastated all over again. Later that day, I reviewed and signed the retainer for my attorney and I am waiting for her to be notified (and the courts) that I now have legal representation. She will most likely panic and freak out now.

Yeah, I think we are past a separation agreement I believe. She filed, I responded (all kids info is there) and now the attorneys are involved and I have to complete legal paperwork. Fun.