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Snip18
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Member Since: Nov 2021
Location: Ny
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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 09:50 PM
  #1
Hello all

I hope to come here finding peace and community, I'm recently going through a divorce.

The marriage has only been about a year and a half but the total relationship has been 6 years.

I got home one day from work and she already had her car packed and already had an apartment set up, and then just gradually took most her stuff out of our house to her new apartment.

I let her leave without a fight because I felt I was trying so hard but I thought through counseling and communication that things were on the "up and up" in my eyes, but she was never happy and ended up leaving.

The counseling made us both bring up childhood trauma and the therapist which my wife chose at the time, only believed in relating peoples' present day issue into how they were raises and learned condition/genetic childhood roots etc.. looking back on it now I feel like this childhood talk all the time had an effect on my wife at the time and the "childhood trauma" talk made her resent me. I used to be a snappier person.but I grew over the years and calmed down a lot honestly, and she always wanted me to change or get on medicine for anxiety and things that my doctor said were mild and my doctor said i didn't need meds but my then-wife swore i needed them.

After she packed and left, her and I tried to work on it 3 different times. We said we needed to build a "whole new relationship" and then one night she asked me about goals, and was persistent on asking me about goals. So I told her my financial and future goals and she said those weren't "real" goals and I told her I accomplished all my goals by buying a house and (at one point) having a wife etc..

So I'm finally to a point where she served me divorce papers a couple weeks ago, i havent signed them yet even though she was egging me on to sign them and just get this divorce over with basically. I contacted my lawyer and he contacted her lawyer so that's where I'm at there. There was times where I was so depressed anxious hurt, crushed and just wanted old life back. Now I'm almost looking forward to getting the legal.figured out and moving on from.her,, she manipulated me and never appreciated a lot of what I did. She used me like a bar of soap at times yet claims she loves me. I know shes a narcissistic person at times and her coworker changed her also, the woman I loved and married was so happy, and then 6 months ago just started hating me once (her female.cowoker] started making me out to be the bad guy.

Sorry this is such a long post and it's messy, and I appreciate you reading this and helping me!! I'm just at a point of independence without her and her toxicity in my life, i never need her just always want her, I'm independent and handle my own business, but at times i miss her but i know I'm way better off without her. I need to stay away from.her for my own self-respect and move on with my life. I need to be with someone who loves me for who i am and not someone who changes me into what she thinks an "ideal husband looks like"

Thank you
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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 10:44 PM
  #2
Hi and welcome to the Forums. It is very nice to meet you.

I am so sorry that you are in the situation you describe. Things must be so tough for you right now. I can't even imagine what you must be going through.

Having never been married, I am really the last person on the earth to offer advice. Hopefully, though, you will find these Forums helpful. There are a lot of people here going through separations or divorce and I hope they will see your post and respond to it kindly and helpfully. I wish you only the very best!
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Tongue Nov 25, 2021 at 10:55 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snip18 View Post
Hello all

I hope to come here finding peace and community, I'm recently going through a divorce.

The marriage has only been about a year and a half but the total relationship has been 6 years.

I got home one day from work and she already had her car packed and already had an apartment set up, and then just gradually took most her stuff out of our house to her new apartment.

I let her leave without a fight because I felt I was trying so hard but I thought through counseling and communication that things were on the "up and up" in my eyes, but she was never happy and ended up leaving.

The counseling made us both bring up childhood trauma and the therapist which my wife chose at the time, only believed in relating peoples' present day issue into how they were raises and learned condition/genetic childhood roots etc.. looking back on it now I feel like this childhood talk all the time had an effect on my wife at the time and the "childhood trauma" talk made her resent me. I used to be a snappier person.but I grew over the years and calmed down a lot honestly, and she always wanted me to change or get on medicine for anxiety and things that my doctor said were mild and my doctor said i didn't need meds but my then-wife swore i needed them.

After she packed and left, her and I tried to work on it 3 different times. We said we needed to build a "whole new relationship" and then one night she asked me about goals, and was persistent on asking me about goals. So I told her my financial and future goals and she said those weren't "real" goals and I told her I accomplished all my goals by buying a house and (at one point) having a wife etc..

So I'm finally to a point where she served me divorce papers a couple weeks ago, i havent signed them yet even though she was egging me on to sign them and just get this divorce over with basically. I contacted my lawyer and he contacted her lawyer so that's where I'm at there. There was times where I was so depressed anxious hurt, crushed and just wanted old life back. Now I'm almost looking forward to getting the legal.figured out and moving on from.her,, she manipulated me and never appreciated a lot of what I did. She used me like a bar of soap at times yet claims she loves me. I know shes a narcissistic person at times and her coworker changed her also, the woman I loved and married was so happy, and then 6 months ago just started hating me once (her female.cowoker] started making me out to be the bad guy.

Sorry this is such a long post and it's messy, and I appreciate you reading this and helping me!! I'm just at a point of independence without her and her toxicity in my life, i never need her just always want her, I'm independent and handle my own business, but at times i miss her but i know I'm way better off without her. I need to stay away from.her for my own self-respect and move on with my life. I need to be with someone who loves me for who i am and not someone who changes me into what she thinks an "ideal husband looks like"

Thank you
Hey. I am sorry that you are going through what must be constant whiplash of emotions with your marriage and divorce. Even though my separation was mutual, my ex husband snuck around and had someone to move into a place with a few weeks after a 13 year long marriage. we decided to separate, and it is truly hurtful and malicious to be treated the way you have after working so hard to actively try and fix things with your wife, so I can relate to that.
I hope you find support here and know that you're not alone.
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Associate
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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 11:49 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snip18 View Post
Hello all

I hope to come here finding peace and community, I'm recently going through a divorce.

The marriage has only been about a year and a half but the total relationship has been 6 years.

I got home one day from work and she already had her car packed and already had an apartment set up, and then just gradually took most her stuff out of our house to her new apartment.

I let her leave without a fight because I felt I was trying so hard but I thought through counseling and communication that things were on the "up and up" in my eyes, but she was never happy and ended up leaving.

The counseling made us both bring up childhood trauma and the therapist which my wife chose at the time, only believed in relating peoples' present day issue into how they were raises and learned condition/genetic childhood roots etc.. looking back on it now I feel like this childhood talk all the time had an effect on my wife at the time and the "childhood trauma" talk made her resent me. I used to be a snappier person.but I grew over the years and calmed down a lot honestly, and she always wanted me to change or get on medicine for anxiety and things that my doctor said were mild and my doctor said i didn't need meds but my then-wife swore i needed them.

After she packed and left, her and I tried to work on it 3 different times. We said we needed to build a "whole new relationship" and then one night she asked me about goals, and was persistent on asking me about goals. So I told her my financial and future goals and she said those weren't "real" goals and I told her I accomplished all my goals by buying a house and (at one point) having a wife etc..

So I'm finally to a point where she served me divorce papers a couple weeks ago, i havent signed them yet even though she was egging me on to sign them and just get this divorce over with basically. I contacted my lawyer and he contacted her lawyer so that's where I'm at there. There was times where I was so depressed anxious hurt, crushed and just wanted old life back. Now I'm almost looking forward to getting the legal.figured out and moving on from.her,, she manipulated me and never appreciated a lot of what I did. She used me like a bar of soap at times yet claims she loves me. I know shes a narcissistic person at times and her coworker changed her also, the woman I loved and married was so happy, and then 6 months ago just started hating me once (her female.cowoker] started making me out to be the bad guy.

Sorry this is such a long post and it's messy, and I appreciate you reading this and helping me!! I'm just at a point of independence without her and her toxicity in my life, i never need her just always want her, I'm independent and handle my own business, but at times i miss her but i know I'm way better off without her. I need to stay away from.her for my own self-respect and move on with my life. I need to be with someone who loves me for who i am and not someone who changes me into what she thinks an "ideal husband looks like"

Thank you
Hi, the more I read posts on this forum the more I realise that there are so many women who do not appreciate anything. My ex-wife is one of those and your ex-wife seems to be the same.

You told about achieving your goals, while it seems to me that she wants everything to be presented to her on a silver platter.

As long as you have goals you will go and achieve them and you do not need a person next to you who does not support you. As I understand you do not have kids which is good, which means that you will not have to communicate with your ex-wife.

There is a saying in my country that goes "you do not wait someone who is late and you do not keep someone who is leaving"

If she decided to leave you, then let her go and live your life, focus on your goals and be happy.
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DevastatedinAZ
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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 12:03 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snip18 View Post
Hello all

I hope to come here finding peace and community, I'm recently going through a divorce.

The marriage has only been about a year and a half but the total relationship has been 6 years.

I got home one day from work and she already had her car packed and already had an apartment set up, and then just gradually took most her stuff out of our house to her new apartment.

I let her leave without a fight because I felt I was trying so hard but I thought through counseling and communication that things were on the "up and up" in my eyes, but she was never happy and ended up leaving.

The counseling made us both bring up childhood trauma and the therapist which my wife chose at the time, only believed in relating peoples' present day issue into how they were raises and learned condition/genetic childhood roots etc.. looking back on it now I feel like this childhood talk all the time had an effect on my wife at the time and the "childhood trauma" talk made her resent me. I used to be a snappier person.but I grew over the years and calmed down a lot honestly, and she always wanted me to change or get on medicine for anxiety and things that my doctor said were mild and my doctor said i didn't need meds but my then-wife swore i needed them.

After she packed and left, her and I tried to work on it 3 different times. We said we needed to build a "whole new relationship" and then one night she asked me about goals, and was persistent on asking me about goals. So I told her my financial and future goals and she said those weren't "real" goals and I told her I accomplished all my goals by buying a house and (at one point) having a wife etc..

So I'm finally to a point where she served me divorce papers a couple weeks ago, i havent signed them yet even though she was egging me on to sign them and just get this divorce over with basically. I contacted my lawyer and he contacted her lawyer so that's where I'm at there. There was times where I was so depressed anxious hurt, crushed and just wanted old life back. Now I'm almost looking forward to getting the legal.figured out and moving on from.her,, she manipulated me and never appreciated a lot of what I did. She used me like a bar of soap at times yet claims she loves me. I know shes a narcissistic person at times and her coworker changed her also, the woman I loved and married was so happy, and then 6 months ago just started hating me once (her female.cowoker] started making me out to be the bad guy.

Sorry this is such a long post and it's messy, and I appreciate you reading this and helping me!! I'm just at a point of independence without her and her toxicity in my life, i never need her just always want her, I'm independent and handle my own business, but at times i miss her but i know I'm way better off without her. I need to stay away from.her for my own self-respect and move on with my life. I need to be with someone who loves me for who i am and not someone who changes me into what she thinks an "ideal husband looks like"

Thank you
Welcome!

I hope you have come to the right place, I arrived for the same reason…

Wow, I cannot imagine coming home and your SO is packed up ready to go. So sorry to hear about this…

Its always interesting to hear about someone’s experience in therapy. Sometimes it is a good experience, sometimes a not so good experience.

Wow, I can totally relate to your story! The emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs, wanting to repair the marriage and move forward. The idea of setting up goals for both of you to work towards and realign, finding areas of overlap in which to build a new relationship with! And then focus on the areas that are different and compromise…

Yup, I feel you! My soon to be ex-wife removed all current friends, old friends, me and now has a new set of friends. They are all divorced and sound miserable. But apparently, she wants to join that pool and be miserable with them. Deeply saddens me after all the years and time. I hear what you are saying. She didn’t appreciate a lot of what was done for her.

My wife would treat me like a doormat… I would distance myself and then before I knew it, it was kid drop off day and she is showing up in short shorts and a low cut thin bodysuit up top. Seems excessive for kid exchange, but not when you think about the idea that she needed to reel me to and give me false hope. Which worked… Then kick me to the curb and reel me back in… Talk about tendencies!!! Im not qualified to use the term narc but she seems to exhibit some things.

I am glad to hear that you are finding peace with moving forward. I think your feelings are completely normal. I am finally accepting what is coming my way and its probably for the best. But that doesn’t mean I have my bad days where I think of her, the memories we shared and long for getting back together for what we used to have. I assume those feelings pass with time?

You are right. You need to find someone that appreciates everything you have to offer and for the person that you ARE now. You never go into a relationship thinking, he/she is close enough, I can change the rest! It is not fair to either individual and a waste of time.
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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 03:01 PM
  #6
Hang in there! Having gone through one divorce I can say that in hindsight she was right for leaving. We did not have a good relationship and although she gave up without trying I can now say she saw what I didn't. Now going through my second I never thought I would be here. I found someone new that is everything I wanted in a wife and relationship. Problem is there are two people in a relationship. Communication I key and things need to be worked at together. You will get through this as I know I will but the emotional rollercoaster is real. I can actually watch myself moving through the steps of grief over and over. Don't beat yourself up and don't look to far into the future or the past.
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