I spent my whole adult life married

Hi there, I am new to the community here, my name is Tessa. I got married at 20 and got separated at 32. I have been separated for a year now and dont know how to start over/and or find out who I am? I have autistic 3 year old twins and am a single mother. I am looking for any advice/tips/people who can relate and want to talk about depression/anxiety and loneliness. I am finding everything hard in general, even trying to make a friend. I am feeling extremely lost. I also am here to be a support system to people here too. Thank you for reading. < 3

Hi and welcome to the Forums.

It is very nice to meet you.

Having never been married, I am really out of my element regarding marriage and separation but I know there are many people here who are married and who are going through separations. Hopefully they will see your post and respond to it in a kindly and helpful way. Sometimes it is only people who are struggling with the same situations who are able to be really understanding.

I have the greatest respect for people like you who are single parents. That is something so heroic in my eyes.

Depression, anxiety and loneliness are not foreign to me. They are my constant companions, sadly. Wish I knew what to say that would help. I hope these Forums will be a welcome refuge for you from the storms of life. I can't even say how helpful these Forums have been for me in my struggles. I want to wish you only the very, very best!

Hi Tessa,

I am sorry you are going through this… but please know, you are not alone. I married at 25 and I am separated going through divorce now at 46. 21 years of marriage and she filed. (27yr relationship)

As I am being told, make sure you focus on yourself (mentally and physically) and focus on your twins. As I go through this process, that is the first thing I am being told, take care of yourself and if you have kids.

When my wife separated from me in Sept, I had a large amount of anxiety. Anxiety is no joke… painful, terrible stuff. There are nights I am not even sure I slept… Twilight sleep maybe? Now I am in the depression phase trying to raise my two girls (13 and 15) while my son (18) is away at college.

I hear ya, starting this new chapter isn’t easy nor fun. Do you have any kind of support network? Family to watch the twins or help out? Or is it straight up just you?

I find in my experience, to combat depression, I am exercising. I go for walks in the neighborhood of at least 4.5 miles (7.24 km) every day or as often as I can. This seems to help. I start doing (for me) pushups as well. Start off with 10 each day for a week, 15 in week 2, 20 in week 3 etc… Now I am doing sets of 50 at a time and doing a set on the hour every hour. This helps me keep going, endorphins or whatever they say is released, I feel, helps lower the depression levels. It doesn’t get rid of the depression… I am not sure anything will but time. But it helps lower it for me.

Loneliness… This one is tough… I am fortunate enough to have friends pitching in to babysit me. I try to plan ahead for when I do not have my girls (week off), to fill the schedule up with times/appointments with hanging out with friends. Whether it is just hanging out talking, going over to their house and cooking food, just anything to get out of the house and be social. The tough times, I find, are the evenings when I am home alone. Say the 9pm to midnight hours before you go to sleep. I am alone with my thoughts which typically head over to memories of me and my wife spending time together. Terrible really. I would recommend reaching out to family/friends if you have them.

You are finding it hard in general… please know that I think this is completely normal. I struggle with it every day myself. Just tonight, I watched the new James Bond movie and starting tearing up. My wife and I love James Bond, have every movie in Blu Ray and always went to the theaters to watch it together. And this movie… no such luck.

If you are able to get away and have someone watch the twins, are there any support groups nearby where you can attend? Church groups? Sometimes, not all, those might be good places to find others in similar situations where you can help each other out through this journey. If you are rebuilding the friend/social network, then I would just say to be patient. Keep going out if/when you can and meeting new people. You are building something new one brick at a time.

I hope this helps,

Jeff

Hey Jeff,

Thank you so much. On the inside I know that there are people that can relate, but I'm having a hard time finding them. It helps a lot.

I have my mom who helps, but she works full time. She helps so much when she can and I am so grateful to her. I do have support systems, but not in a 'in person' way, if that makes sense. I feel supported by the people who care about me and the twins, but not physically. I understand though..
I am missing having a guy friend since my ex moved out last year (I wasnt in love with him for a few years leading up to him meeting someone else and initiating the separation. I was comfortably miserable and didn't want to ruin his life by divorcing) So I started looking online to make friends and ended up going on dating apps. Which is the worst idea in the whole world (by the way, even if you think it will distract or make you feel less pain, it wont)

I dont get much spare time, and thats fair. I knew what I was signing up for when having kids and they do help get me through. I hope your kids are supporting you emotionally through this as well as they can.
I spend my free time alone or working. I do see friends from time to time which is lucky. I know we are supposed to spend time alone, but where are we supposed to look to find who we will be once we get through? Focusing on myself I am finding hard.

I think you are amazing for dealing with your depression through exercise. It will help so much. Exercising has always been an aid for me with depression and anxiety, but Im so unmotivated and exhausted. I'm sorry that you are also going through severe anxiety attacks. They can be malicious and horrifying. I'm not sure if this will help, but I read once that if you befriend your anxiety. So lets say you are having anxiety about leaving the house, getting out of bed, going to the store etc... I try and picture a strong or emotionally caring version of myself taking the scared version of myself's hand and walking out of the room, house, into the store etc .. Maybe I am just crazy? I hope it helps in even a small way. The fact that your friends are looking after you is so great to hear, especially since this is something that is happening to you (which I'm sorry, I think you must be suffering with your heart and truly)*hug*
I have been searching for groups in Barrie but because of covid, a lot of groups have stopped meetings. Hopefully when they get back up and running.

I have been separated for a year now. The holidays can be hard so just make sure to make and be around your support system as much as you need.
I hope this helps you too and thank you so much again.

Tessa

Tessa, google radical acceptance.

Thank you for this!!!

Hi Tessa,

I hear you on the support system. Thankfully, your mom can help out when she can. That is something, right? Sounds like a ‘remote’ support system.

I know exactly what you are saying about having a guy friend. I saw a friend this past weekend (who is a woman) and we just hung out pretty much the entire day. We watched football, drank, had lunch and dinner and just talked. It is amazing to me what its like just to talk to someone without being criticized or judged. She was genuinely interested in wanting to hear what I had to say and she just listened. No complaining or getting upset trying to control the situation.

Some people have told me about the dating apps and maybe consider going out with someone to get away. I just don’t feel like that is the right way to go. And perhaps, you just confirmed my suspicion. So thank you for that… I think grieving and time will be the proper way to get through this so I can actually heal, not bring any baggage with me and so I can move forward. Kind of like losing weight maybe, there is no magic pill, just time and hard work.

So it sounds like you believe going out with someone new (rebound?) isn’t the best approach? It doesn’t make you forget about your prior relationship or the pain huh?

With the twins, I imagine you are always moving! My kids are a little older and they have their social networks etc… So they are usually talking to friends. I have tried to talk to them about being open and if they have any questions, they can come talk to me. But they have not. We are all just trying to get through this together.

Agreed! Spending time by yourself is hardly ideal. I get caught up in my own thoughts and start thinking about my relationship that is dying. Then that sends me into a spiral where I get sad, upset or depressed. Have you considered talking to a therapist? Even remotely via a zoom call? I see a therapist twice a week since the beginning of my separation and I find it beneficial. I am journaling what happens through this process and we discuss that journal during my sessions. I find it cathartic as I am writing/typing stuff down to get it ‘out’ and off my chest. As I am writing, I come up with questions to ask the therapist on how to get away or remove certain thoughts.

But for me, nothing beats lining up friends/schedules to see them when I have down time. Hang out, watch tv, cook out with them or just sit and talk.

Thank you. Exercise has helped so much. If you can find the time, please give it a go. Being unmotivated/exhausted, just try to walk and get the mail, or go once around the block. Anything, the first step is always the hardest. But what I found out in the beginning is that it gets easier. And even with walking, after 2-3 weeks, my energy level start increasing and I liked the way it made me feel. Almost as a metaphor, you feel like you are moving forward in life instead of staying put looking for your way out of this. Even if its around the block… you are moving forward and bettering yourself. That is what I kept telling myself as each day passed. This is for me and this is me moving forward.

Yeah, I have never had anxiety attacks in my life until now. Scary… some nights while trying to sleep I wondered if I would wake up in the morning. What would my kids do or think? Who would notice? But I took each day one at a time and tried to get through them and be true to myself until that storm passed. I still feel some anxiety yet but nothing as bad as it was in the beginning. Seems to get a little easier with each week.

Not crazy, that is a pretty cool way of looking at it actually. Never considered that… perhaps even your shadow coming together and pulling yourself forward up and out. I like it!

Yeah, my support group and friends have been truly amazing. I have never been one to ask for help, I have always been able to care for myself and my family. But this is overwhelming and very emotional. I don’t know what I would do or where I would be without them. I get very emotional when I see them all answer the call and come running to help me in any way possible. Truly blessed. Thank you for the hug. Hug back to you!

Don’t give up… I imagine the support groups are probably not online.

This helps me immensely. This is my first Holiday Season without my wife in 27 years. I still need to find the strength/time/energy to hang some lights up for the kids along with the Christmas tree.

Jeff

Hey Jeff

Thank you. Yes, my mom is great and they do have daycare twice a week and have occupational therapists go in and work with them there too which is amazing! My place of work and co workers/boss have been a great emotional support system for me as well. Community has been amazing and I never expected that!

Okay well to speak my truth, two weeks after my husband and I separated, I wanted to experience what it was like being with someone else because my husband and I were each others firsts. Long story short, I went on a dating app and matched with a guy, later that night we met up.
I had never done anything like that in my entire life. It was so liberating and such a rush to meet a stranger but in my control (I drove so that if it was unsafe I could leave). He was nice at first, a bit younger but sweet and kind and I told him the truth about my situation and he helped me through the beginning. I had never been through a breakup before and he really helped me with that. And yes he definitely proved me right that my husband and I just didnt match well physically! But he started not letting me have anytime to myself in even the slightest, and made me feel guilty when I wanted him to leave my house. We ended up dating /arguing/liking each other less and less for 9 months. He was using me for somewhere to live. I kicked him out at the end of July this year and you know, I ended up right back where I was, except not only did I feel like I lost a life long friend(husband) I lost this once comforting person too.
Anyhow, I guess its a bit different for me too because I didnt see anyone as a rebound. I hadnt been in love for years.

As for the dating apps for just meeting up for dates, again this is just my opinion. I trust people way to easy and it gets me into situations that I shouldnt be in. That when the rose tint wears off, the vision becomes horrifying. But I find the lesson at least!

I'm really glad to hear that your anxiety attacks are becoming less aggressive. I suspect that you are just becoming more in tune to your triggers and what it feels like when one starts coming on too, which is great if so. Or maybe you're just getting used to them. Either way, its all progress! I find that determining levels helped me a bit with that. Is it a mild one with just the pulse in my stomach? Or is it a bad one where all my skin feels like its on fire? Then it makes you compare: "Well this one wasnt as bad as the one last time" etc ... And as you are finding writing therapeutic, you could write your progress and strategies/foods you find help/hinder.

I used to be very much into running. I just dont find joy in it anymore. I didnt get the vehicle when we separated. I have been sharing my moms car and walking with the twins everywhere so I get lots of exercise(love my babies for keeping me in shape)! I was lucky enough to get a car last week right before the snow came and I am so thankful. My son has been laying on the sidewalks and in the street when I try to cross the cross walk when walking them home from daycare because of his autism. I was having severe anxiety attacks at work while thinking about having to walk them home by myself.bMy son is a giant boy for 3 and he will dead weight on me so that I cant lift him, all while trying to hold my daughters hand. Having a car now has helped lessen my anxiety greatly as I cant push a double stroller in the snow, and snowsuits are un-grippable.

As for therapy, I have a therapist who monitors me with medication. It helps.

Yes definitely get your Christmas ducks in a row. Get your support system around you. I would even suggest planning on going for a walk on Christmas Day if you're enjoying the walking. I found that its not that it was even a change, it was that he didnt hide his excitement for the holiday season in front of me. He wasnt having Christmas with me for the first time in years and wasnt waking up Christmas morning with his children, and he was full of glee.
I was not expecting that at allllll. Do something for you on Christmas to make it extra special even.

Tessa

Hi Tessa, I filed for divorce after 4 years, for what I can't even call a happy marriage. Still I find it hard sometimes, but slowly I am getting used to a new lifestyle.

There are many good people on this forum who support each other and share their tips on how to recover. I know it is easier said than done, but it is important to get busy with different activities. Hanging out with friends, doing sport, finding hobbies and in general doing whatever would make you feel positive and not think about your divorce.

If you need someone to talk I am sure many users on this forum, including myself, would gladly talk to you and give you support, as well as share some tips on how to get back to normal life.

Hi Tessa,

So you have a base foundation with family and at work. That sounds like a start! It makes me emotional to see people when they find out about my situation and they want to jump in and help out in anyway. Agreed, sounds like the necessities are being covered and its been great.

Wow, that new relationship doesn’t sound like it was a great experience. Sounds like you regret it and would not recommend doing.

When my wife separated and moved out of the house, she went to go live at her mom’s house. (still there) She has removed all of her old friends, best girl friend and me from her life. She has a new group of friends now (from working together at a previous job) and I think all of them are divorced. (I call it the divorce club) As luck would have it, 6 weeks into the separation, she was already spending the night at one of the guy’s house after a wedding they attended, then another weekend she spent the night. I was in shock, all these years and this is how quickly we move? She got upset and said they are just platonic friends and she hasn’t colored with anyone during this separation. She has been “completely faithful in this relationship” up until now. I found it odd that she used the word “faithful” and “relationship” to me during our separation, moving to divorce. But hey… Just upsetting how quickly she is moving I guess. But then again, she filed so she may have been prepared for that sort of thing.

Yeah, time and acceptance I guess is helping with the anxiety. Still get little blips here and there… But the more I find that I am accepting this and letting go, I think the easier it is becoming? Monitoring my blood pressure as well… and it got a little elevated which is not ideal. So that is finally coming down to normal levels. Amazing how many things get affected going through something like this… That is a good idea with writing in my journal and adding strategies and foods. I find myself looking back at the beginning of my process and shaking my head. Was I fool for trying/doing everything I could to try and save my marriage? Did I ever really have a shot?

I year you about running… you have to be into it and if you are not, then nope! Hehe That is excellent, you have a car. Another mode of independence for you and the kids. You definitely have your hands full with the kids. No doubt about that. But you sound like an incredible mom, keep it up for them and for you. Dealing with twins alone can be challenging when you are outnumbered.

My wife and I used to laugh about having kids… with our son, it was still 1 v 2… then our oldest daughter arrived, we were still able to play “man to man” in the 2 v 2 setup. Then our youngest daughter arrived and we have to switch to a “zone defense” being outnumbered 3 v 2. Lol You have your hands full.

Yeah, Christmas is not going to be fun. You have a family to wake up together that day to spend time around the tree opening gifts and spending quality time together. And that will not happen this year. My son is coming from college and he told me he is spending Christmas Eve with me that night and the morning so I am not alone. Love that kid. The girls will be at their mom’s house celebrating Christmas. Just sad, something that was beautiful once will on longer be ever again.

So he and I will have to figure something out to do Christmas morning. Maybe even go hiking together and find new adventures.

I don’t understand your exs response about being full of glee… Its Christmas… time to be spent with family, your significant other your children. Wow… I cant even relate to that… I am going to be so upset those two days, I don’t know what to do with myself. If my son wasn’t willing to hang out and babysit me, I don’t know what I would do. Christmas will have turned into a terrible day.

I have to figure something out for Christmas… do something to make it special.

Jeff

Hi, thank you for your support.

I'm sorry you have found yourself here as well. It sounds like you have had a rough time over the past 5 years and I hope you find help here too to make your forward steps easier. Its a two way street as well. I'm always here to listen and try to help.

Tessa

Hey Jeff

Yes that is a definite do not recommend on the dating. Also, ghosting hurts. A lot.

Okay I'm happy to hear that you can relate with the magical toxic people that just appear out of nowhere, giving their opinions and advice from their own ****** relationships and literally persuading the person you once knew to be their worst possible self.
These people are his own now🤷
I feel like the person I knew forever has changed, but he knows it too. I even told him that I thought he was becoming a giant asshole and you know what he said to that? "I know." ......

People change and thats fine, but when they are changing for the worst and there is nothing you can do to stop it, try and find solace in the fact that they wont be your problem anymore. That has helped me through. I can imagine you are dealing with this harder than I am and again, I'm sorry. Some of the comments my ex has made just seems so out of anything he would ever say. I guess I am just putting it out there so that you are aware of every angle that I have been hit from.
You will definitely have wonderful Christmas's again, I promise you that. Just not this year. And it wont be bad, just different, but you've got this! This year is proving to be easier than the last for me if it helps... How amazing will it be to have it be just you and your son? You can do whatever you want! You can make it so special with just that. And then your son will feel like he could truly be there for you too, like you have been for him through out his life. Plan something small and nice, it will give you something to look forward too as well!

Tessa

Also thank you for saying that I must be an incredible mother. I dont feel like it but I am trying ! And ditto to your fatherhood.

Well, at least he is honest in that regard, right? He admitted to what he was becoming… (shaking my head)

You are so right. The girl I met, was struck by lightning with, developed a friendship and then a relationship, married, had kids, the house… has changed. She likes to say she is a strong, independent woman in life… Which I totally supported and appreciated. But now… seems like she needs to talk to her “bullpen” after our discussions to see how best to respond. And then responds back to me with a negative answer. So she has trouble thinking for herself. She appears to be constantly hanging out and needs attention from the male gender. (including messing with me so I fall all over her) Co-dependent. My friend is convinced she has become a miserable, angry, bitter and low self-esteem 17yo girl trapped in a 42yo woman’s body. He is always quite descriptive. hehe

I was thinking about that… I grew up with her, I took care of her, I did anything I could for her… I am even trying to pave ways with other vball parents to cut her some slack this year and welcome her into the team group. And one dad said I am too nice… Still trying to defend her and that is admirable after all these years. But she is on her own now to develop those relationships with other parents or to NOT develop those relationships with other parents. And so far, she has ZERO interest in talking to anyone or getting to know them. So they look at her like she is the dragon lady.

Yeah, thank you. But like you said… She wont be my problem anymore… Never thought I would have to say that… I was ready and prepared for the long haul. I wont have to worry about all the medical issues or the food/gluten allergy anymore… Just live some sort of normal life again.

You are right! I get all emotional when he says he is choosing to stay with me so I am not a lone and we can hang together. Just blows me away… As my support group says, that is a testament to me for the young man I have raised as I am the role model. Makes me so proud.

Jeff