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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 11:22 AM
  #1
I'm new to this board and this is my first post. I have been doing a lot of reading and research, I know that journaling can help but also looking for any advised/encouragement.

I have been very happily married two years together for 7. Two months ago my wife started to feel distant. I asked her about it a month ago and she said she was not happy and she couldn't do it anymore. I never saw signs of unhappiness or problems with our marriage. I have gone through old pictures and text messages and I can't figure out what changed. When I inquired furth she brought up something that happened 4 years ago.

I am previously divorced, from a 10 year relationship with three kids and my ex-wife left me. I was pretty hung up and heartbroken about it and I can admit I started dating my now wife too soon. 3 years into our relationship I found myself talking with a coworker (girl) about the pain I still had and we got close. Things started to get more and more serious and she wanted to be with me. We never saw each other outside of work. I felt guilty and suddenly broke up with my girlfriend, thinking that if I had feeling for someone else I needed to end things. I came clean and my gf had no idea about the other girl so it took her by completely surprised. I never cheated or dated the other women but I know it was emotional cheating. I thought I was doing the right thing but immediately regreted my decision and begged for forgiveness. We got back together and moved forward. There were two times I was talking to the other girl again because I worked with her. Not serious like before, one time more cordial and the other expressing my feelings and explaining what had happened. My girlfriend saw one of the emails, we argued about it but we're able to get past it. I never talked to her outside if strict work again and she changed position so last time we interacted was 3+ years ago. I proposed, married and now 4 years later I thought I was living the happily ever after but she leaves me.

She said she wanted space, I tried to give it to her but it was killing me. I obsessed over her leaving and couldn't go more than three or four days without reaching out. I made her mad with my attempts to connect. Last Saturday I had to have a talk. She came over we discussed more and she said she cannot keep going in this marriage feeling like she does. When asked if she wanted to continue with space or if she was done she said "right now I feel like we're done." She grabbed things (including our marriage certificate) and left. I still couldn't let it go so I reached out two more times, once asking if it was about having a baby. She is approaching 40 and I had a vasectomy and told her when we first started dating that I didn't want any more kids. She said it wasn't about that. She won't open up at all. When we talk she just tells me it is about what happened 4 years ago. She hasn't said a word about it in 4 years, 6 months after our breakup. When asked if we could go to counseling she said I missed my chance since I declined 4 years ago.

I have been going through hell. I was the happiest I have been my whole life. I have been trying to pick apart her and our relationship and it is a struggle to find the bad. She has seen me so weak lately, sobbing and begging. I'm sure she doesn't want to come back to that. I know I screwed up by persueing her when she needed space but I was in the darkest most pain I have ever felt. I'm actually doing a bit better now with the reading of other posts here and a other outside research. I was a good husband that screwed up once and am now paying for it. She even told me, " you are a good husband, I don't know why I can't be happy". She swears there is no one else.

Do you think she may return if I truly give her space or are we done?

Thanks for reading!

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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 04:35 PM
  #2
Welcome! Is it in the water here in AZ? Oi vey!

Man, I feel for you with this situation. I can relate to you more than you know.

My wife wanted a separation and then filed for divorce after 4 days. I assume that was part of her plan all the time. We set boundaries as to what was acceptable and what was not. Texting was included… so I texted hoping we can strike up a conversation. But it always came back to I was the cause of all of her problems in life.

As to what you should do? Every situation is different and when you are dealing with the human condition, there are a million more variables.

The one thing I can/will say is that it takes two people to make a marriage work and 2 for it to fail. It sounds like she might have “kept score” or held onto “grudges” and did let go what was bothering her a few years back. If she never brought it up, unfortunately for you, that is on her. She needed to voice her concerns or that you both need to get into couples therapy to work this out. It doesn’t sound like she did that… So communication could’ve been better. “You missed your chance” is acknowledging she knew something was wrong for her and perhaps did not voice it to you. And now it appears she has crossed a threshold…

As far as contacting and reaching out… it sounds like you did too much during this period of time. But rest assured, very common. I did it as well. I don’t think people going through something like this are as equipped as they would like to be when their SO tells them they are stepping out of the marriage for “time and space”. Very common.

I know the hell you are going through… You wouldn’t wish that upon your worst enemy. Instead of looking for reasons why or picking apart the relationship, sit back and think about any of the flags or red flags you might see now that you didn’t see then.

I would consider seeing a therapist for yourself so that it gets you talking and thinking things through with their assistance. Any hobbies? Go exercise or go for walks to kill time and get your mind off of things. Go hang out with friends and let them babysit you is needed.

But this looks like something you may have done or perceived to have done… but something she needed to communicate with you that is bothering/troubling her and she didn’t. Im not deflecting attention from you to her, but again, it takes 2 people. Same case with my spouse, 21yrs of marriage (27yrs total) and she says she felt her way for 6-7 years… I call BS… but if she did feel this way, why not communicate it? Why not go to therapy by yourself? I GUARANTEE it would have caught your attention and you would have been front and center for therapist meeting #2. But like my wife, your wife said nothing. She let it cook and marinade until she crossed a threshold and decided to pull the plug for now. It takes two…

Is she coming back? Impossible to say… perhaps a neutral text is in order saying that please take all the time you need to navigate her path. That you love her and please let you know when she decides which direction she wants to take.

And then the hardest part begins… You can’t contact her. You have to be patient, sit and wait… and pray that she appreciates the space you are giving her and the time for her to clear her head. I think that is the only shot you have if she wants to return. You have to let her be and show her you are respecting her wishes for time and space… Something broke and contacting/communicating may make things worse, which it sounds like is happening.

But again, very common. I did it as well… We have children together so being in contact is easier. But I have been on the emotional rollercoaster for the past 3 months with more ups and downs, twists and turns than I care to think about it. Incredibly emotional. And it does not look like we will be able to make it through this…

I hope and pray that your path together is different from ours,

Jeff
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Smile Dec 01, 2021 at 04:47 PM
  #3
Hello workinonit: Since this is your first post, welcome to MSF. I hope you find the forums to be of benefit.

You asked if members who read your post think your wife may return if you truly give her space or are the two of you done? Personally I don't think that is a question any of us are going to be able to answer. What I would suggest, though, is that some individual therapy for yourself may be in order here so that you can figure out what to do (as well as not do) next with this situation as well as how you are feeling about it.

You mentioned reading here on MSF, researching and journaling. To my mind reading, researching and journaling are fine. But they're not a solution in-&-of themselves. Ultimately you need to talk this all through at-length and in-depth with a skilled professional. The same would perhaps be useful for your wife as well. But, of course, whether-or-not to see a therapist herself is a decision your wife must make on her own, assuming she's not already doing so.

Perhaps, down-the-road so to speak, some marriage counseling may be something else that will be useful if your wife can find it within herself to re-think how she's feeling as well as acting toward your marriage. As I'm sure you are well aware, though, you can't make her do something she's just dead set against doing. If she's simply unwilling to do anything to try to save your marriage then it may well in fact be coming to an end. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post. My best wishes to you both.
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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 05:35 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by DevastatedinAZ View Post
Welcome! Is it in the water here in AZ? Oi vey!

Man, I feel for you with this situation. I can relate to you more than you know.

My wife wanted a separation and then filed for divorce after 4 days. I assume that was part of her plan all the time. We set boundaries as to what was acceptable and what was not. Texting was included… so I texted hoping we can strike up a conversation. But it always came back to I was the cause of all of her problems in life.

As to what you should do? Every situation is different and when you are dealing with the human condition, there are a million more variables.

The one thing I can/will say is that it takes two people to make a marriage work and 2 for it to fail. It sounds like she might have “kept score” or held onto “grudges” and did let go what was bothering her a few years back. If she never brought it up, unfortunately for you, that is on her. She needed to voice her concerns or that you both need to get into couples therapy to work this out. It doesn’t sound like she did that… So communication could’ve been better. “You missed your chance” is acknowledging she knew something was wrong for her and perhaps did not voice it to you. And now it appears she has crossed a threshold…

As far as contacting and reaching out… it sounds like you did too much during this period of time. But rest assured, very common. I did it as well. I don’t think people going through something like this are as equipped as they would like to be when their SO tells them they are stepping out of the marriage for “time and space”. Very common.

I know the hell you are going through… You wouldn’t wish that upon your worst enemy. Instead of looking for reasons why or picking apart the relationship, sit back and think about any of the flags or red flags you might see now that you didn’t see then.

I would consider seeing a therapist for yourself so that it gets you talking and thinking things through with their assistance. Any hobbies? Go exercise or go for walks to kill time and get your mind off of things. Go hang out with friends and let them babysit you is needed.

But this looks like something you may have done or perceived to have done… but something she needed to communicate with you that is bothering/troubling her and she didn’t. Im not deflecting attention from you to her, but again, it takes 2 people. Same case with my spouse, 21yrs of marriage (27yrs total) and she says she felt her way for 6-7 years… I call BS… but if she did feel this way, why not communicate it? Why not go to therapy by yourself? I GUARANTEE it would have caught your attention and you would have been front and center for therapist meeting #2. But like my wife, your wife said nothing. She let it cook and marinade until she crossed a threshold and decided to pull the plug for now. It takes two…

Is she coming back? Impossible to say… perhaps a neutral text is in order saying that please take all the time you need to navigate her path. That you love her and please let you know when she decides which direction she wants to take.

And then the hardest part begins… You can’t contact her. You have to be patient, sit and wait… and pray that she appreciates the space you are giving her and the time for her to clear her head. I think that is the only shot you have if she wants to return. You have to let her be and show her you are respecting her wishes for time and space… Something broke and contacting/communicating may make things worse, which it sounds like is happening.

But again, very common. I did it as well… We have children together so being in contact is easier. But I have been on the emotional rollercoaster for the past 3 months with more ups and downs, twists and turns than I care to think about it. Incredibly emotional. And it does not look like we will be able to make it through this…

I hope and pray that your path together is different from ours,

Jeff
Jeff,

Thank you for your point of view and encouragement. It really means a lot knowing others are in the same situation. She did see a therapist alone 4 years ago but stopped. Another reason I thought she was over it. I really messed up not going to therapy with her. I have not had the greatest experience in my three times going with my first wife but know I would run to another state to see one for my current wife. The last message I sent asked her to just hold off filing until she knew 100% that it was what she wanted. I didn't want her making a rush decision over anger or sadne
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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 05:52 PM
  #5
Skeezyks,

Thank you for your comments and insight. I know no one on here is going to able to answer the question on if I have a chance, I guess was just looking for someone with a similar experience and partly rhetorical. Maybe a better question would have been, how do people cope with giving "space"? I know I screwed up but I also know that I was doing damage to myself not having any kind of closure or timeline. I was festering, unable to function, eat, sleep, see my kids. I was unable to sit back and let things be without literally driving myself crazy. The damage is done and at least I can say I put everything on the table, whether it pushed her away further or not.

I have been thinking about counseling, I have not had the best experience but admittedly didn't give it the best chance and I know not all therapists are equal or a match. I have made it though hell and back once so I know there is hope. Thank you for taking the time and commenting, I really means a lot.

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Smile Dec 05, 2021 at 11:31 PM
  #6
Well she finally ended it. She was the love of my life, I don't know how it everything could change in three months. At least now I have closure. I don't know how I'm going to make it in the future without her but I'm going to take my own advice and take it one day at a time. I'll never truly understand what happened but I also have to accept that. I WILL make it through this, damn it hurts but I WILL make it.
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Default Dec 06, 2021 at 12:17 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by workinonit32 View Post
Well she finally ended it. She was the love of my life, I don't know how it everything could change in three months. At least now I have closure. I don't know how I'm going to make it in the future without her but I'm going to take my own advice and take it one day at a time. I'll never truly understand what happened but I also have to accept that. I WILL make it through this, damn it hurts but I WILL make it.
Oh man, I am so so so sorry to hear this. Terrible news.

Like you said, now you know. Yes, one day at a time my good man. Get busy to get your mind off of it if you can. Get out and walk the neighborhood if you need to get out of the house even. I feel for you buddy. You are not alone in this… Even if it means you need to write here on your thread how you feel or what you think. Write away! And we can respond with supporting you. Take of you, who knows what the future holds, stranger things can happen.

Get away from alcohol if you can, that only hurts the situation if you get depressed. You need exercise and positive moments right now, no matter how small.
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Default Dec 06, 2021 at 12:32 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by workinonit32 View Post
Well she finally ended it. She was the love of my life, I don't know how it everything could change in three months. At least now I have closure. I don't know how I'm going to make it in the future without her but I'm going to take my own advice and take it one day at a time. I'll never truly understand what happened but I also have to accept that. I WILL make it through this, damn it hurts but I WILL make it.
I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I'll echo what DevastatedinAZ said and try therapy for yourself. There's an app called "mend: go within" that I found useful a couple of years ago during a difficult breakup if you have time or interest I recommend checking it out. And yes you WILL make it

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Default Dec 08, 2021 at 03:54 PM
  #9
I had two counseling sessions yesterday, they seemed to help for the short term but it also got me thinking I'm other areas which maybe things I need to deal with. I was also left with a greater sense of hope that she may change her mind. I don't want this, the sooner I can accept the sooner I can move on. I was living the happily ever after marriage until two months ago but what I didn't know is she was not. In the past 4 years after our weekend breakup I can't remember her ever saying she was unhappy. I can't stop trying to figure it out and I know I will never know for sure. I'm the past month all I have reveived are one sentence explanations. "I'm just not happy" " you are a good husband I don't know why I can't be happy" "I'm still hung up on what happened in the past" " I don't know how to explain it". I told her while she was giving me space that I'll even take a text if she knows it is over I just need to know if that time comes. Well that is how she ended 7 years, she didn't want to I talk because she was going to bed so her text was "it's over, I'm sorry". I don't know who this cold person is but it isn't my wife. Now I'm starting to think about some diet pills she was taking that can have side effects of she suddenly stops. That's about as logical explanation I can make for a dlaudden mood change two months ago. I know I'm grasping but i can't move on without knowing more. How can I prevent it in the future with any new relationship if I don't know? Will I always be looking over my shoulder wondering will she leave me anyday? Hopefully therapy will help me work through these issues and time.
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Default Dec 08, 2021 at 04:19 PM
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Originally Posted by workinonit32 View Post
I had two counseling sessions yesterday, they seemed to help for the short term but it also got me thinking I'm other areas which maybe things I need to deal with. I was also left with a greater sense of hope that she may change her mind. I don't want this, the sooner I can accept the sooner I can move on. I was living the happily ever after marriage until two months ago but what I didn't know is she was not. In the past 4 years after our weekend breakup I can't remember her ever saying she was unhappy. I can't stop trying to figure it out and I know I will never know for sure. I'm the past month all I have reveived are one sentence explanations. "I'm just not happy" " you are a good husband I don't know why I can't be happy" "I'm still hung up on what happened in the past" " I don't know how to explain it". I told her while she was giving me space that I'll even take a text if she knows it is over I just need to know if that time comes. Well that is how she ended 7 years, she didn't want to I talk because she was going to bed so her text was "it's over, I'm sorry". I don't know who this cold person is but it isn't my wife. Now I'm starting to think about some diet pills she was taking that can have side effects of she suddenly stops. That's about as logical explanation I can make for a dlaudden mood change two months ago. I know I'm grasping but i can't move on without knowing more. How can I prevent it in the future with any new relationship if I don't know? Will I always be looking over my shoulder wondering will she leave me anyday? Hopefully therapy will help me work through these issues and time.

You are looking for some type of closure I think. And you may never get it. Clearly, communication between you two could have been improved? Where that is her coming to you to talk to you about what she is feeling. Or perhaps on you and the ability to listen to what she is saying. I don’t know, I am just thinking out loud. But it sounds like a communication breakdown in that regard. (I speak from experience with me, hehe)

Do you guys have joint cell phone account? Are there any numbers/texts/calls that continue to pop up as you go back into time?

As far as a future relationship goes, you need to make sure you explore this with your therapist. This situation is between you and your wife. This is her decision to move away from the marriage. Not the gender’s decision to move away from the marriage. Don’t make the mistake of painting the gender with a single paint brush stroke, because that will become your problem then. You are referring to trust and whether or not you will have it in any future relationships. Make sure you take the time to properly heal after this to make sure you do not apply any of these concerns on the next individual you have a relationship with in the future. If you can’t trust the next individual for fear of this happening again, you are not ready to open yourself back up to another individual in a relationship.

My $.02 anyway.
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Default Dec 08, 2021 at 04:38 PM
  #11
Thanks. I am a pretty trusting person. Even though my first marriage ended when I caught her talking to other guys and in tinder I still consider myself trusting. I want to believe that there is no one else. No, we have separate phone account, I guess time will only tell if she jumps into a new relationship quickly. I know it is not the genders fault I and I hope I can get past this and come out with as little of emotional damage as possible. I shouldn't even be looking into the future. This issue is 100% a communication breakdown and I'm sure I played my part in not asking the right questions or working to get her to open up. Every day after work it was "how was your day", "okay" and I would tease her that she never shared anything. I should have known from that I needed to read some communication books to get her to open up. That was a huge red flag. She never could share her true feelings I guess. My marriage checked every box of what I wanted except communication, sounds like I didn't check many if her boxes if she can just walk away so easily.
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Default Dec 11, 2021 at 07:00 PM
  #12
I don't have an answer as I have the same questions. A few differences: first (only) marriage of 23 years. Wife started to seem distant over the past two years ad we both suffered our own crisis. Then three months ago she started with she is not in love with me anymore, but got upset anytime I mentioned divorce. Now that is all she will talk about. She said the same thing about needing space and I suffered the same issues with reaching out as she is my best friend. I said/did some thing over the past 2-3 months that I am not proud of and may have been what actually killed things. I tried to explain that it was from hurt and sadness, not anger or hatred. She tells me that there are too many hurt feelings to go on. She won't tell me if it was from the past 2-3 months, the past 2 years, or the past 20 years. In hindsight I wish I would have found a way to give her the space and keep my reach-outs to a purely friendly "I'm still here and I support you" style, but I couldn't help myself. I don't know if we will ever reconcile (she insists we will not) but now that I have stopped relationship discussion we are becoming better friends... but it is REALLY REALLY hard to go on without a few answers that I know she has but con't give me. I wish you the best and might recommend that you try to honor her wishes to the level you can. My experience so far has been that the more I try to pull her back the more it actually pushes her away.
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Default Dec 12, 2021 at 04:45 PM
  #13
Confused,

Thaanks, for the support. It's been one week since she told me it is over and no contact. Trying to grasp at the reality that it is over. It's so hard not to hold out hope, trying to squash it so I can heal and move on. She is all I think about all day and night.
I've been reading a book" getting past your breakup. It's really helpful but it hurts to try to grasp the emotions, stages, steps and get through the pain. I know if I don't work through it it will just cause more damage in the future.
If you are speaking with your wife you are better than what I have. I chased her to the point that she ended things but not sure there would have been a different result if I had not. At least I know I said everything I could to show her my love and commitment. I go back and read our exchanges and can tell she just had no more love for me. Good luck and hang in there.
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Default Dec 17, 2021 at 10:23 PM
  #14
Its been 12 days with no communication. I have tried to smash out all hope but I can't there is too much love. Still no divorce papers, still a FB picture of us as her profile ( yes, I know I shouldn't check) counselor ask questions that lead to me thinking about infidelity, I don't want to believe but it just makes sense. I may never know and yet I still hold out hope. I'm sure my hope will be squashed soon and maybe that is for the best. I can't move on, I know what I need to do to move on I just can't, not until I know there is no more hope.
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Default Dec 18, 2021 at 01:39 AM
  #15
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Originally Posted by workinonit32 View Post
Its been 12 days with no communication. I have tried to smash out all hope but I can't there is too much love. Still no divorce papers, still a FB picture of us as her profile ( yes, I know I shouldn't check) counselor ask questions that lead to me thinking about infidelity, I don't want to believe but it just makes sense. I may never know and yet I still hold out hope. I'm sure my hope will be squashed soon and maybe that is for the best. I can't move on, I know what I need to do to move on I just can't, not until I know there is no more hope.
There is a word that continues to pop up for me as I go through my process... its odd that it comes up and with such frequency...

PATIENCE.

Patience my good man. It is literally the last thing you want to hear and the last thing you want to think about. Keeping your distance and respecting her wishes may catch her attention. Fingers crossed and hope for the best. Whatever happens is going to happen.

Quit checking her social media. Lol I get it, I did it too… Quit checking her social media! Lol (maybe that is a good sign you are not blocked and her/your pic is still up)

Yeah, its understandable, you are looking for closure.

Even if there is a third party, they seldom work out. Grass is not always greener on the other side. Patience and distance and who knows… No one can judge you or tell you what to do. Only you can make that decision and your support group will support you either way.

Stay focused, work on you and work on improving you. That IS, the only thing you can control at this stage in the game.
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Default Dec 20, 2021 at 08:59 PM
  #16
Well she asked for tax docs today to file. I guess this is happening. Although she said she was done multiple times I still kept holding out hope. I guess the only positive is I can start to heal without the hesitation in the back of my mind. I lost it infront of my kids today, I tried to turn it into a positive. Told the kids that I want her to be happy even if it isn't with me which is true. Also, told them that prayers are not always answered because you never know what the future will hold. I would have never met my second wife if their mom and I didn't split and looking back we were both happier. I told them that someday if they have their hear broke that they can look back and know that their dad has been through the worst multiple times and still made it through.

I'll never know how my life could be flipped upside down in three months. No indication and according to her multiple times not cheating, I believe her. She text me more today then she did in the past month. It was all about the divorce but at least I wasn't getting four word answers. I got to tell her my peace and that I will always love her and that she made me a better person. I thanked her for the time we had and that I didn't regret any time with her. It was the best 7 years of my life. That's why it was such a shock and why it is so hard. I don't know how I'll ever find something like that again but I know I need to heal properly, learn to love myself again and maybe someday I'll go looking for for everything I had plus someone that could communicate. I hope she is out there and that someday I'm not too damaged from two divorces to screw that up too. I appreciate the support here and all the encouragement. If you are going through the pain take it from someone who is in the middle of it but has been in the other side. It will get better and you truly never know what the future holds. Remember a good marriage never ends in divorce and there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, it takes work.
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