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Bel9Izzy
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Trig Dec 04, 2021 at 12:02 PM
  #1
When I found out my husband was a sex addict I chose to stick by him through recovery, now after 2 years he wants a divorce because he claims he wants me to heal and he keeps hurting me.

We’ve been together 3 years, 2 years ago I found thousands of naked photos of women, some not naked just saved photos of women, including people we knew. My mother, his sister in law, old coworkers, etc. Thousands of messages for almost ten years asking for photos, videos, conversations. Hidden from me and I didn’t have a clue.

He just started SAA meetings, just started with a personal counselor again (2nd time) and he was caught in a lie on Thursday. I was so furious, the pain just flooded my body of another betrayal.

Fast forward to today (Saturday), he stayed in a hotel and then a friends now he wants a divorce. He says this isn’t what he wants but that he keeps hurting me and can’t keep doing that to me.

I am a devoted and loyal wife, it hasn’t been easy but I was committed. I feel so broken and empty, hopeless that I could be such a fool to support him just to be abandoned once all the pieces of me were shattered and broken.

How do I begin to take a step forward in this new life? He’s going out, drinking, hanging out with buddies and I’m devastated.

Last edited by FooZe; Dec 04, 2021 at 05:08 PM.. Reason: added trigger icon
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workinonit32
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Default Dec 04, 2021 at 07:59 PM
  #2
Bel9izzy,

Did he ever cheat on you? I wouldn't say I'm a sex addict but being a guy with a high sex drive I don't know what line you cross to become an "addict". Sorry to hear what you are going through. How do you begin? I guess it depends on if you have accepted or if you still think their is a chance to reconsile. Also would you want to? There is a lot of support here. I'm no expert but I would say if you have accepted it then next step is to focus on you and don't look to far in the future. Just concentrate on taking care of you. You will get through it and you are not alone.
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Christyfire73
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 09:09 PM
  #3
Reading your post makes me think that my ex is a sex addict. What you said about all the naked pictured and conversations online with other women. He would even go so far as to pretend to be in serious ltr with these women and up to 4 at a time and when I would find he would just basically ghost them but always would start up again with someone new. There was one woman who he consistently carried on a relationship with for almost 2 years. He even suggested marriage counseling knowing all the while he was still calling and texting her and lying to me and the therapist. He always made me feel like I was overreacting because he never met these women in person. It always made me feel horrible and like I was never enough for him. At this point it has gone on for so long I no longer even have any self esteem left. Since we can't financially afford for him to move out we are still living together and the only people that know are my kids. I finally tell him how these has made me feel over the years and if my feelings ever mattered and I don't even get an answer. He just says "I am a piece of ****". I have no closure and so many things I just don't understand. I'm sad and cry all the time. I just don't know what to do.
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Default Jan 08, 2022 at 12:58 PM
  #4
It makes sense you're feeling the way you are because he has betrayed you in more ways than one. The anger will eventually fade away, but it's a difficult road to recovery after many betrayals of trust. He is abandoning you after you stuck by his side.... be thankful that he is, though because he would continue to hurt you and harm the trust. He cannot be trusted and has proven that to you more than once. So be thankful he wants it to end, because ultimately, he is saving you. There are trustworthy men out there.... but being single also has it's own set of benefits and joys. You can find yourself again and rebuild yourself and your life however you see fit. Think of this releasing of the relationship as a blessing rather than a curse. It's an opportunity to grow and learn and to become happier. He is doing you a huge favor. It may not feel like it now, but it will years from now and perhaps even months from now.

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Default Jan 08, 2022 at 01:36 PM
  #5
You're probably not ready to leave him, as you invested so much in staying the course of the relationship, but it's really time to divorce. There's no real future for either of you together, and perhaps your husband is trying to say it in indirect ways. If your husband lies and hides and isn't straightforward, it is unlikely he would be straightforward with wanting a divorce outright. Instead, it seems like he's kind of still hiding behind his desires to get a divorce, which he clearly stated that he wants or at least is considering. It would be a tough break and a lot to lose, given all the time and effort you spent. But you can't change him or fix him or wait for him to get fixed. If he's just not there for you in that partnership you both agreed to with your wedding vows, then the marriage is just not there anymore.

Perhaps discuss this more with your therapist, and try to hire a good divorce attorney.

Make new friends, and take time to grieve with loved ones and your therapist.

Start making steps toward divorce, such as discussing who gets what with the assets you both share, and figure out ways for you to separate - either by him moving out or you moving out. It would be easier to transition to divorce that way.
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Default Jan 08, 2022 at 02:20 PM
  #6
I’m not sure I believe in people being literally sex addicts, but I do believe people who cheat want to find ways to excuse avoid the (deserved) consequences of betraying their partners - it would be great for him, if he could convince you to believe he has a disease, rather than just admitting he wants his cake and to eat it. You’d be likely to stick around trying to fix him. Because that’s what a caring, supportive partner would do if their spouse contracted a real disease. I might be wrong, but I think he’s playing you.
When he says “I am a piece of ****” he’s, to paraphrase from a blog about getting your life back after being cheated on, playing the Sad Sausage Channel.
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Default Jan 08, 2022 at 05:22 PM
  #7
Please walk away from him, you deserve better.

People with addiction problems tend to put that problem first. Relationships tend to be dysfunctional.
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Default Jan 08, 2022 at 07:28 PM
  #8
Speaking as an alcoholic in recovery I fully support people who want to recover from any addiction. The issue with sex addiction to me is the parameters are so hard to establish. You practically have to babysit someone you are with and sleuth them out to find out if... they are sober?(what is that for SA) and I feel the work is not worth most relationships/

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