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CONFUSED314159
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Default Dec 11, 2021 at 07:13 PM
  #1
First post...

23 years of marriage, 30 years together overall. 2-3 months ago she said she was unhappy, yesterday she moved all her stuff out and went to her parents. She has refused all counseling and gets annoyed if I talk about anything but divorce. I want to believe that she is still coming off of a crisis for the past two years (which is a whole other story, but trust me, a LOT happened) so I am trying to give her space while still being there as a friend. I love her dearly and would be at least willing to try anything. The marriage ending is one thing, but her unwillingness to even try is crushing. Anybody ever have any success or life-lessons on letting her have space? Seems like the more I pull her back the more I push her away. How do I give her space without it feeling like I am giving up?
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Default Dec 11, 2021 at 09:40 PM
  #2
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Seems like the more I pull her back the more I push her away.
This is a very insightful comment.

Giving her space isn't giving up. It is respecting her wishes.

Respecting her wishes and being a friend might not save the marriage. In my opinion, though, it is the best shot you have.
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Default Dec 12, 2021 at 08:18 AM
  #3
Giving her the space she’s asking for will help her to clear her mind, and make a decision about the future with hopefully a bit more clarity. Trying to pull her back in this scenario is just putting more pressure on her to make a snap decision, when it’s likely she has a lot of things to consider.
I know it must be scary for you, too, however; I’m not going to criticise you for trying to grab the life ring when you feel as if you’re drowning, so to speak.
As hard as you might find it, as Bill3 says backing off a bit will show her you’re listening and respect her wishes; it would demonstrate you’re not solely focusing on what you want. If you have any chance of saving your marriage that would work in your favour. And, if not, you can say you did everything you could under your particular circumstances to make it work.
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Default Apr 11, 2022 at 05:43 AM
  #4
I am in a similar situation. 7 years of marriage. Intense drama (external things) over the past 2 years. My husband has said that he is making a decision about whether or not he wants to stay married, although he has moved to another bedroom. It is killing me to respect his wishes. I have a first appointment with a counselor tomorrow. He is welcome to join, I said. If not, I plan to work on myself and the relationship. I have been reading tons of websites about how to handle things and writing and writing and writing. I'm trying to process my feelings, but I've also written him a few letters. My heart is breaking. I feel like every move I make is the wrong one - that he will interpret it the wrong way. I don't know what else to do, but I'm hoping that counseling tomorrow brings some hope. If I knew what was right, I'd do it. What more can we do than try to respect and love while trying to take care of ourselves?
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Default Apr 11, 2022 at 01:14 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by RoxanneToto View Post
Giving her the space she’s asking for will help her to clear her mind, and make a decision about the future with hopefully a bit more clarity. Trying to pull her back in this scenario is just putting more pressure on her to make a snap decision, when it’s likely she has a lot of things to consider.
I know it must be scary for you, too, however; I’m not going to criticise you for trying to grab the life ring when you feel as if you’re drowning, so to speak.
As hard as you might find it, as Bill3 says backing off a bit will show her you’re listening and respect her wishes; it would demonstrate you’re not solely focusing on what you want. If you have any chance of saving your marriage that would work in your favour. And, if not, you can say you did everything you could under your particular circumstances to make it work.
I would just respond to the bolded. You know how some people go by more explicit morality and some by more implicit morality? The people that go by explicit morality more, may believe in a "rule" about it being helpful to talk about things, or any other number of things. So it is NOT necessarily about "solely focusing on what you want". With this reasoning, we might as well say that the person that's pulling away is also "solely focusing on what they want"..... Treat every specific situation with full attention without applying negative assumptions with generalities like "oh he/she must just want to focus on what he/she wants".

Just a general comment.

As far as the particular situation, yeah, if she actually said she needs to consider a lot then yea it makes sense. Either way, she feels whatever way she feels, and sometimes it cannot be changed, whether OP tries to talk to her or gives her space instead. Feelings in general cannot be forced. From the way the situation is described it sounds like she's accumulated a lot of negatives from the pandemic and it's being blamed on the husband. Which blame is kindof stupid and pointless if you ask me. My opinion. Without knowing specifics about the situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CONFUSED314159 View Post
First post...

23 years of marriage, 30 years together overall. 2-3 months ago she said she was unhappy, yesterday she moved all her stuff out and went to her parents. She has refused all counseling and gets annoyed if I talk about anything but divorce. I want to believe that she is still coming off of a crisis for the past two years (which is a whole other story, but trust me, a LOT happened) so I am trying to give her space while still being there as a friend. I love her dearly and would be at least willing to try anything. The marriage ending is one thing, but her unwillingness to even try is crushing. Anybody ever have any success or life-lessons on letting her have space? Seems like the more I pull her back the more I push her away. How do I give her space without it feeling like I am giving up?
So yeah, well, "giving space" if she has said that is indirect talk. Same for her being "unhappy". It all could mean any number of things in reality. I suggest you stop trying to believe anything that's not explicit and concrete. Things like "she is still coming off of a crisis for the past two years" from the pandemic. Stop believing things and theories like that about her feelings. Take the facts and focus on her actions only and on what she explicitly says. Accept those as tangible and real. Implicit stuff will just lead to trying to mind read and rumination about trying to.

My personal opinion without knowing all the specifics and facts is that she's not going to be convinced about anything as it is now. You are likely NOT being told about all the facts and you do not have access to all the information about why she'd make this snap decision. She likely hid things for a while. She likely blamed pandemic stress on you. Do not accept that blame. Or it's some other thing entirely, like she's got an affair. And so on. But it'd be pointless to argue with her about that or about anything else, at all.

What's more, if I were you, I would not be there for her as a friend or give her "space". I would simply be, let her be and go on with doing my own thing. Go do your own life. You can go to therapy or do psychoeducation or talk to friends or visit support groups or whatever to process what's happened and how to move on and how to rebuild your life and yourself and just go do your own thing in general, focus on your own fun and enjoyment at least a little bit, even if it's hard now. Stop focusing on her at all whatsoever. Be independent of her. Don't be overemotional or dependent on her now. As that will ironically make her even more cold and distant.

So keep doing all that, your own thing, no focus on her. If she changes her mind, great. If she doesn't, you didn't waste time and energy and emotions on it.
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Default Apr 11, 2022 at 01:21 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatIsTheFuture View Post
I am in a similar situation. 7 years of marriage. Intense drama (external things) over the past 2 years. My husband has said that he is making a decision about whether or not he wants to stay married, although he has moved to another bedroom. It is killing me to respect his wishes. I have a first appointment with a counselor tomorrow. He is welcome to join, I said. If not, I plan to work on myself and the relationship. I have been reading tons of websites about how to handle things and writing and writing and writing. I'm trying to process my feelings, but I've also written him a few letters. My heart is breaking. I feel like every move I make is the wrong one - that he will interpret it the wrong way. I don't know what else to do, but I'm hoping that counseling tomorrow brings some hope. If I knew what was right, I'd do it. What more can we do than try to respect and love while trying to take care of ourselves?
My advice is the exact same to you as my post above. Stop mind reading and guesses, instead rely on facts, do your own thing, rebuild yourself and your own life, regardless of whether he'll come back or not. That's what's right to do. My opinion.
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Default May 25, 2022 at 11:25 AM
  #7
I am sorry you are going through this. I know it must be heart wrenching, especially not having any control over the situation. I hope she comes to her senses and at least tries to work things out. 30 years together is a long time to just throw away without trying. I wish you the best. However, if she said she needed space, I would try to give it to her, even though it may be difficult to do so. I would not be able to, and that is probably why I will end up alone in life. But, I get what you are saying...is not doing anything showing her you don't care? Does she think that? I would ask her...tell her you want to fight for her and your relationship. I personally think she is being somewhat selfish and immature by moving out and saying she needs space. I don't know all of the details with the relationship, but did something happen to make her want to leave? To your knowledge, did you do something or was there an argument or is someone being unfaithful? I hope things work out for you.
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